Gaeta Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 If you're looking to play shrink go ahead and meet her. I don't know why ANY man would want to meet someone with so many mental issues. As for not talking on the phone what a load of poo. You mean she doesn't answer the phone when her boss calls? Does she tell her doctor's office 'text me with my results I don't like talking on the phone' .
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I don't talk on the phone. In fact if a guy suggests it, I often just stop responding. I am not that young, mid 30s and it's not just a generation thing. I find talking on the phone before the meet awkward as hell. Like "ummm what are you up to?". "yeah, nice weather..umm". I really need the visual and body language to get excited about someone. In person, if I am attracted, conversation feels a lot more natural. I also see OLD as the numbers game so even a 20 minute phone call is too much to bear before we meet. A meet changes everything and usually makes everything that happened before totally meaningless. So why bother? 1
Gaeta Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I don't talk on the phone. In fact if a guy suggests it, I often just stop responding. I am not that young, mid 30s and it's not just a generation thing. I find talking on the phone before the meet awkward as hell. Like "ummm what are you up to?". "yeah, nice weather..umm". I really need the visual and body language to get excited about someone. In person, if I am attracted, conversation feels a lot more natural. I also see OLD as the numbers game so even a 20 minute phone call is too much to bear before we meet. A meet changes everything and usually makes everything that happened before totally meaningless. So why bother? Even if you feel that way I think if a man ask you to speak on the phone before a meeting you should understand his reasoning. He wants to make sure you're a female, how you express yourself, etc. It's also a matter of common sense and basic safety. I have gone on first meetings without talking on the phone first and I regretted it. If I had spoken to them on the phone 5 minutes I would have eliminated them right there and then and not waste my time. I personally think it's childish. A phone call is not for you 2 to 'connect'. Even if it's awkward it's necessary for everyone's safety. You don't like it? so what? I don't like my annual gyno exam, I still go. 1
Iceshowers Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I'm a 28yro Female and I don't like talking on the phone until AFTER we had met and clicked. I always prefer texting also, only because I lead a very busy life and half the time I can't be on the phone for too long or at all until at night when I'm finally home. Also, because of this, I have stopped giving out my number to people I meet on OLD and just give them kik. My phone's block list is very short and I like to keep it that way lol Once I'm ok with that person after we met 1-2+ times and we get along, a phone call at that point is welcomed.
BlueIris Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Too rigid. Imagine living the rest of your life with someone who has such hard and fast rules about what they will do and won’t do on things that aren’t illegal and don’t harm anyone. I encountered it a lot on OLD too (I was interacting with men over 40). The justification given was that it was a waste of their time to talk to someone before seeing them and figuring out whether there was “chemistry”- meaning whether they’d want to have sex with me. But I liked a call or two first so we could converse, maybe 20-30 minutes. Some refused, some were barely conversational, some had incompatible beliefs, some were mean or whiney, some said things that were just scary, so it was good to not waste 1-2 hours of their time to meet- getting ready, driving, and sitting through what would have been a meeting that ended in “I don’t think we’re a match, but good luck!” Lots of people do the meet-first which is fine, but I preferred to talk first. I'd do the meet first at times, but only if *I* had time to kill, nothing pressing to do. Otherwise, I'd talk on the phone first. 1
katiegrl Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I'm a 28yro Female and I don't like talking on the phone until AFTER we had met and clicked. I always prefer texting also, only because I lead a very busy life and half the time I can't be on the phone for too long or at all until at night when I'm finally home. Also, because of this, I have stopped giving out my number to people I meet on OLD and just give them kik. My phone's block list is very short and I like to keep it that way lol Once I'm ok with that person after we met 1-2+ times and we get along, a phone call at that point is welcomed. Wouldn't you prefer to know that a guy was capable of at least articulating a sentence without sounding like he was in grammar school ...... *before* meeting? I dunno..... a couple of *meet first* experiences like that, and you might change your mind. No one is talking about long protracted conversations....five minutes! To hear the voice and determine whether or not he can formulate a sentence correctly.....unless you don't care about any of that.... and if not then go for the meet first if that's what you prefer. Again, no wrong or right here, whatever works for you. 5
MightyPen Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I echo what some of the umm..."more mature" people have said. You can tell a LOT from a phone conversation. Can she string a few articulate sentences together? What sort of vocabulary does she have? Does she banter freely back and forth with you? The art of conversation is REALLY important to many people, and you can get an inkling of whether a given person has that gift based on a brief telephone talk. It's not the same as meeting in person but it's a hell of a lot more informative than relying on typed FB or online stuff, or a few texts. Hell, a 10-year-old, or perhaps a really smart chimp, or perhaps a really dumb person, could hammer out a few lame texts. 3
katiegrl Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 And re it being awkward.....meeting first *isn't* awkward? Yes it's awkward ......meeting first is also awkward, it's all awkward!! I would think having a quick phone chat first would make that first meet *less* awkward.... But again to each his own. 2
SwordofFlame Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I live in NYC, so it's very convenient to just meet someone at a bar or coffee shop. Never felt the need to chat on the phone first. I imagine this would be very different if you had to drive a significant distance to meet someone.
Gaeta Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I just find it so anti-social. Ok you can dislike talking on the phone BUT go to the extent of refusing a phone call from someone you're going to meet just screams 'weirdo' with issues! 6
Eighty_nine Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I don't like talking on the phone, and I also disagree with people who criticize texting in the early stages of dating and say "pick up the phone!" I think texting is perfect in the beginning. You get a chance to articulate your thoughts, it's far, far less pressure, and it's perfect for what you're doing in the beginning: making plans. I would rather save real conversation for face-to-face meetups. In some cases, a phone call in the beginning is more appropriate than a text, but for the most part texting or messaging only is completely reasonable in the beginning.
katiegrl Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I live in NYC, so it's very convenient to just meet someone at a bar or coffee shop. Never felt the need to chat on the phone first. I imagine this would be very different if you had to drive a significant distance to meet someone. ^^I can see this happening too though tbh....a spontaneous type of thing where you start chatting via the site or text, and then you're like "hell let's just meet real quick for coffee, you're right down the street," or something like that. Get the first meet over with quick, so you are not have protracted text chats, fantasizing, and becoming anxious about whether you will click or not.
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) I had one guy tell me that he spoke to his dates before the meet up to "ensure the fact that they were female." Not sure how often this is a "thing" online, you dudes getting catfished by other dudes, or by transgender people, but either way don't get at all how you can know anything from a phone call. You still have no clue if who's on the phone is who you're looking at online. I hate awkward phone calls. I don't see this as a red flag. Save the phone calls for when we've gotten to know each other a bit and it's not awkward and we have stuff to talk about. I don't want to sit on the phone and discuss every thing I would have talked about IN PERSON on the date. Then you're really screwing yourself over, as this is a dealbreaker for most men wanting to meet you. You come off as trying to hide something. Like you have a live-in boyfriend or even a spouse. There's just something shady about it, so you may want to reconsider this option if your online dating. What I get a kick out of is this wasnt even on an online dating site, but he knew her through mutual friends on Facebook...I would say that's more than enough to warrant talking on the phone. I think texting is perfect in the beginning. You get a chance to articulate your thoughts, it's far, far less pressure, and it's perfect for what you're doing in the beginning: making plans. I would rather save real conversation for face-to-face meetups. Actually, there are times when I want to take the conversation from the text to the phone, as if it's a complicated scenario I'm explaining, I get tired of typing if in-depth descriptions are necessary. Also, I feel that this whole "texting" thing is what is causing social problems in the first place...driving a wedge between us and technology doesn't help matters. It's made us more lazy even. Ok you can dislike talking on the phone BUT go to the extent of refusing a phone call from someone you're going to meet just screams 'weirdo' with issues! 100% ditto...it's just plain weird. Edited December 3, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst 2
Lois_Griffin Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Jeez, LONG before it got to the point where the OP accidentally dialed this nutjob, she'd already let him know she's a complete train wreck. Right from the start, there were so many damned flags flapping all over the place that it looked like the starting line of the Indy 500. 1
katiegrl Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) Also, I feel that this whole "texting" thing is what is causing social problems in the first place...driving a wedge between us and technology doesn't help matters. It's made us more lazy even. Texting, email... the written word in general can often be very ambiguous... you don't have the advantage of hearing inflection is someone's voice to know whether or not they're joking.... they don't text back immediately, etc. etc. so you're left wondering.... hence all the confusion going on these days with respect to that. Also, I often find texting to be more exhausting and time consuming than talking on phone.... having to formulate the words on a screen, watch for typos, make sure it makes sense to the other person... and then wait for their response.... I just find it way easier and fun to converse over the phone, laughing together, bantering, etc. Bantering is often very difficult to detect via texting.... unless you know the person well IMO. In a way though I DO like sword's approach if that's what he doing. After a quick introduction via the site, you've seen each other's photos, you like each other's profiles.... if you're close to each other in proximity.... just spontaneously meet for 15 minutes (or more if you're clicking!)... without all the buildup. Edited December 3, 2015 by katiegrl 1
pteromom Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I hate the phone. I would do this too. However... you have a ton of red flags that tell you that this just isn't a good idea anyway... She starts to tell me how she was depressed and how she has thought about committing suicide Like how she claimed her ex's abused her and she never got along with her mom or other people. I tried to explain to her that it was kinda weird and she started to get all pissy...and top it all ..she texts "we aren't getting an anywhere" and then BLOCKS ME as I am typing that it was fine just odd. So you know she is depressed, has been suicidal, has problems maintaining relationships, and gets irrationally angry over petty things. It's a GOOD thing she blocked you. RUN!
BlueIris Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) And re it being awkward.....meeting first *isn't* awkward? Yes it's awkward ......meeting first is also awkward, it's all awkward!! I would think having a quick phone chat first would make that first meet *less* awkward.... But again to each his own. :laugh: Amen to that! OLD is inherently bizarre and awkward. Meeting complete strangers to determine whether they're viable potential mates is so bizarre. It always felt that way to me. But it's all sorting and selecting. If someone feels very strongly about how to even go about that inherently awkward process and the two of you don't even match at that level, eliminate each other as potential matches. Edited December 3, 2015 by BlueIris
MissBee Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) I'm 31 and I really don't like speaking on the phone before a meet up. I find it awkward as hell. Meet me in person, lets vibe in person, and if it gets past there, then we'll talk on the phone. I really don't understand the dudes that have to "get a vibe" from a phone call. What vibe are you even getting? You're not in my presence, you're not looking at me, I'm just a voice. I've had a few dudes call me and it gets weird pretty quickly. We're not friends, I'm not going to sit and talk to you about my day, we're not at that point. Literally, don't call me before we meet. I'm meeting a dude tomorrow for a first date and he called me on Monday. He said some "I like to talk to a person before we meet" blah blah blah, and I was like yeah I'm walking to grab dinner with a friend, and I got off that call real fast. Like, unless you're on fire, don't call me. I'm the exact opposite. Before I meet a stranger I like to speak to them on the phone for a bit and say the exact things we'd say in text. I can hear their voice for one (nice voices are one of my things no matter what a text can be many things, but when I hear the voice of the man I'm into, it affects me so much differently than text), I can hear how they answer things on the fly and have a real time conversation without the lag time of waiting on responses plus they aren't writing, deleting and possibly editing texts and it's more personable to me. That way, when we meet I feel like I have built some rapport with them. For me, if we can't even have a decent 10 minute phone conversation we likely won't be able to have an in person conversation wither. That's how it's always worked for me. Awkward phone calls always translated into awkward face to face conversations whereas when I had good conversations they ended up also being good in person. In fact, most of the guys who ended up as my boyfriends were ones I just clicked with over the phone and had maybe an hour long conversation with. But that's just me. In any event OP, I do think it's weird. Even if you hate having elaborate phone conversations, to have it almost as a rule that you NEVER speak on the phone is bizarre to me and just seems a little childish, like you're an adult and can't have a 10 minute conversation over the phone? I would at least make the exception for a short conversation even if I don't generally like being on the phone. Anyway, sounds like you had tons of reservations about her anyway so it doesn't really matter, it seems like this is just one more strange thing among others and I'd say you're best moving on from this without dissecting her too much. Edited December 3, 2015 by MissBee
MissBee Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) To me, it seems like common sense to want to at least hear a person's voice before you meet a stranger online. (early 30s here) I think those who say they are not comfortable doing so (especially girls bc of the safety issue) probably have a few screws loose lol...not all, but many. I once had a date scheduled with a guy who seemed decent through email and then when I talked to him he sounded like he barely passed the 5th grade. I canceled. One thing I learned from a lot of these threads is that guys seems to like dramatic women&scenarios. This seems like another example; but this sounds like a real mess and I don't see many things good coming out of this. Her decision to talk or to not talk on the phone seems like the least of your worries Riight! How our phone conversation goes makes or breaks it for me. I'd rather know that I hate your voice, or you can't hold a conversation, or you have an outrageous laugh and things like that before we're at dinner or in public and it's even MORE awkward, but I'm already there and have to suffer through the date. When I do a phone convo before, when we meet I feel like I'm not meeting a complete stranger and usually we've built some rapport where we can now have more casual conversations. With my last boyfriend we didn't end up going on our first date until about 2 weeks or so after meeting online because he had to be out of town, so we spoke on the phone maybe twice a week, Snapchatted and texted. I was able to get a real sense of his actual personality and not just words on a screen through voice to voice and video chat and even though I was a little nervous to meet up it was more excitement nervous and it felt like we already knew each other a bit and weren't absolute strangers who only ever texted. I also find it extremely weird when people say if they have a phone conversation they'll have nothing to say on the date. Huh? How? Do you have a finite amount of things in your mind that a 15 minute phone conversation will deplete then like a robot, you will simply have to repeat the same things you already said when you're on the date? You won't possibly be able to come up with any other thing to say? That literally makes no sense to me. But I guess it's also a difference in style. I'm a talker and a big part of clicking with a man for me is being able to have good, meaningful, interesting conversations. That's the first step to me falling for a guy. All my good dates have been where we can talk and talk and talk about all kinds of things in an organic way and time just seems to fly by where we've been talking and didn't realize we're the last ones at the restaurant and things like that, so I guess in general I wouldn't be all that into a man who thought he had finite amounts of things to say so he'd better save them up for the date. And for the record, I'm under 30 and prefer to speak on the phone before meeting a man. Edited December 3, 2015 by MissBee 1
MidwestUSA Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 There shouldn't be anything more awkward about talking on the phone than meeting someone blindly. I did actually reject a guy based on a phone convo. He simply couldn't hold a conversation. And I'm not talking young, he was 50ish, established, four kids, two in college. He was able to 'just state the facts, m'aam', but didn't ask me a single question. Turns out he was quite freshly divorced, and new again to the dating scene. I decided I wasn't going to be the one to help him thru the initial stages of that adventure. Ain't nobody got time fo dat. My husband and I had met briefly at a reunion type event, but really didn't know each other. We spent 3-4 hours a day on the phone for the week preceding our first date. We felt like we knew each other really well by the time we went out. Different strokes for different folks. 1
Samhain Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 She sounds like a real emotional drag, and there is no fun about somebody who manages to see the bad in everything. It's been said above repeatedly, you dodged a bullet here big time. I don't see what the problem is with having a chat on the phone, but I think some people are correct in saying it's the "era of texting". Which is half of the problem many people face today because nobody communicates anymore. You've only spoken to her a few times on social media and she's already emotionally taxing your brain! Ruuuuuuuun Forrest!
ASG Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 What do you do to telemarketers? Find them and stab them? Making phone calls isn't a heinous crime. 32 year old here (will be 33 in a couple of months). I don't like talking on the phone and always avoid it. I text. As for telemarketers... really?? As if I'd ever answer my phone to someone I don't know! I screen all my calls, have a block list longer than my arm and unknown numbers go straight to VM. That being said, I'd have a quick chat before hand, but no 30 minute convo... those I reserve for my mom or, at most my BFF. I had this guy from tinder I was talking to a while back and he sent me a couple of voice messages on whatsapp. Instant turn off. He was a complete chav (as well as ignorant, but I was getting that from his replies anyway) 2
TunaCat Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I'm nearly 30 and I absolutely HATE talking on the phone. If I can text or email a reply, I'll do that. Yes, I call doctors offices, but not without some anxiety. But if I were interested in someone and they wanted to talk to me, I'd have no problem answering the phone if they called me. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I'm nearly 30 and I absolutely HATE talking on the phone. If I can text or email a reply, I'll do that. Yes, I call doctors offices, but not without some anxiety. But if I were interested in someone and they wanted to talk to me, I'd have no problem answering the phone if they called me. So you ONLY hate talking on the phone if it's not a good lookin' babe callin ya? lol That does make sense though.
KatZee Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 If a dude has to call me just because he has to verify I'm a female, I'm sorry get outta here. Maybe have a better screening process if you find yourself continuously fooled. As for telemarketers: that's what a DNC list is for. Also stated above, I screen all calls. Unknown numbers are never answered. If they're actual people they'll leave a VM. Phone calls for me, are for people I'm interested in, and want to hear from. We've hit the point where we ask about our days and are genuinely interested. Otherwise, I find it forced and tedious. I've met so many people. Tinder, OKCupid, POF, Match. I think MAYBE four people off my list ever mentioned calling me. I'm a good diverter so of those 4, only 1 made it to an actual call. The rest I meet in person. Have never been stood up, or had anyone disappointed in my voice. Certainly am not all high pitched and squeaky, nor do I sound like a man with a deep voice to scare them away. Of all my dates three guys organically turned into phone calls over time and we'd talk for hours and hours. I prefer organic progression. Not "hey I'm calling to make sure you're a chick." This threads hilarious.
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