IrrationalEmotions Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 Hi everyone, I'm so glad I found this forum, everyone seems very eager to help others and thats really what I need right now. Its always hard for me to summarize things in my life, because I can't ever decide whats important to include and what isn't. So I'll just start at the beginning, and well, the end. My ex girlfriend of over 2 years broke up with me on Feb 16, I remember the date because of its proximity to Valentine's Day. She had a lot of issues in her own life to sort out, as her parents are getting divorced and she was just unhappy with everything in life, and I think the therapist I suggested she visit suggested that she and I should take a break. So on my way home from work I called her up, and she seemed unhappier than she usually was (she was often unhappy in the past couple of months). I asked her what was wrong, and she said she didn't want to talk about it at that time, and of course I pressed the issue, as I always did. Eventually what came out is that she thought we should take a break, and although I wasn't happy about it, I was supportive to her about the idea. It doesn't really bother me that it was done over the phone, because after all, I pressed the issue. So we kept in pretty weak contact for the next couple of weeks and didn't actually see each other, just talked some over the internet, but not all the time. Then, I'm not sure who initiated it, we decided to hang out again, because she wanted us to try to be friends, and so did I. My motives for us staying friends weren't exactly just to be friendly though, I didn't want to lose contact with her. In retrospect, if I had cut things off completely and not talked to her right then, things would probably be a lot different between us now. So we hung out quite often after that, and I think I got the wrong impression, and I asked her the same questions over and over, and gradually her answers started to change. At first she would say "I think we will get back together," and after a few weeks that turned to "I don't know," because she was really enjoying her newfound life as a single college student. I can be pretty controlling sometimes and I understand that she enjoys being able to do whatever she wants. I have pretty high moral principles (some of you might call me a prude), so I probably was bringing down her level of fun a bit with this, and after all, she is in college and wants to live life. So anyway, the breakup was more than 3 months ago now, and I've said a lot of things that I shouldn't have said, although I've never said anything I didn't mean, but they were mostly related to me trying to control her still, which didn't go over so well. Its just now really starting to sink in that we are through. At this point though, I think shes really gotten tired of me and shes become really defensive and unsure of whether she wants a relationship with me again. I can be pretty obsessive too, and shes pretty much all I think about all day long, which really doesn't help, because I called her at times that I shouldn't have and things like that, and I caught her in a couple of lies about what she was doing. She had never lied to me before so I called her up while she was on vacation to confront her about it, which really bothered her. She said that she lied to me because she didn't want to have to deal with me guilt tripping her into not going to these parties that she wanted to go to, and, well shes right I probably would have. She thinks I'm always checking up on her, and its true. But its brought on because she never tells me what shes doing anymore, and hardly ever is interested in talking to me, and just wants to consider me a friend, and wants to date other people so we can be sure that we are right for each other. She is really afraid of the idea of marriage right now, and I definitely am not. This sprung on me quickly too, because back in December we were both seriously talking about it. I still feel really close and very protective of her, but I'm not allowed to do that in the current role she wants me in. This doesn't work very well for me at all. Shes going out of town all summer, and I wont have any way to see her until August. So on last Wednesday I finally took control of the situation and told her that we shouldn't talk to each other at all for a while, so that we can remain friends, and kind of made it apparant that all I wanted anymore was to be friends. I believe you guys call it "NC." That really was how I felt at the time, but the period of NC has led me to want her back more than ever, even though its only been a few days. I had really convinced myself that there wasn't a future, but now I am completely unsure again. It felt great for the first day or so, but now I really miss her and want to call her. What really bothers me is the idea of her being intimate with someone else, which I don't even know if she has already done or not. What I really want to know I guess is how to deal with constantly thinking about her, and thinking about her with someone else which just makes me crazy. I'm not really the "date around" kind of guy, and thats what she wants me to do. I'm a very monogamous individual. I'm really worried that she is going to be intimate with someone else and I really want to stop it from happening, even though I have no control over it, which caused her to get really angry with me and probably jeapordized any future relationship we might have. How can I deal with these feelings? I know that if I can become ok with her being intimate with other people, the time issue is no longer a problem, and I'll be able to enjoy my own life and move on. I just don't want to be waiting around for her though, but I really still feel like I want to fight to get her back again, and I don't want anyone else to have her in the meantime, which I know is beyond my control. I realize I began to ramble there at the end, but its really hard to sort out these feelings. Anyway, this is a broad idea of where I'm coming from.
Author IrrationalEmotions Posted May 29, 2005 Author Posted May 29, 2005 Also, another important aspect of my problem with recovering from this is kind of a sad one, or so I've been told I got so comfortable in our relationship and put so much stock in it, that I lost pretty much everything else I cared about. My life became all about her. I wont make this mistake again, but when we broke up, she was pretty much my only friend, so I clung to her pretty hard. She had other friends and interests, although at one point in our relationship she was just like me, we were both completely devoted to each other. A large part of what she was trying to do when we split up was to not be so dependant on each other for our emotional well being (her words not mine), and it seemed like a good idea to me. She did it easily, because one of her few friends was an absolute socialite, and I didn't, because the couple of friends I had left play computer games all day long and that bores me to death now. So for the past three months I've been struggling with this pretty much alone, although I've started to talk about it with my mother recently, which was a big step for me. Of course, I wasn't struggling alone, because I was unburdening my soul to my ex (my only real friend) and driving her further away all the time.
broken guy Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 I know my reply is not helpful but the reason my ex and I got in such a mess was because she didnt have any friends or a life of her own whereas I did. We agreed she should go live with a friend she had met via another friend (her only friend actually, whom she met through me!) and make some life for herself so we didnt live in each others pockets. It was good for a bit but, in the end, she fell for a new person and left me standing. Now I am the one with no life and friends. Its odd to be in this position where she has all she wants: nice job, nice place to live, social events, BF, money etc. and I hate my new job, I dont like being in my new place, I have no GF nor social events, no money etc. Just so you know your not on your own, thats what I think this reply means.
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