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Where exactly is your hard boundary [regarding infidelity]?

underpants

By underpants
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underpants Established Member

underpants

Posted
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Lines in the sand can and do change as well as get washed away with the tide.

 

I'm curious as to where exactly your hard line is? Or did you declare one after dday number 1, only to move the line after dday number?

 

Were you one time cheated on and done?

 

One time failed recon then done?

 

Kind of wanted an out then found the door through infidelity? Either side.

 

Staying no matter what? What if your partner was committing a crime? Or did before the infidelity? Would you cover, spackle/ignore ala Camille Cosby or Dottie Sandusky?

 

Does it depend on the crime?

 

Does it depend on if the crime is exposed?

 

What if your spouse impregnated another or caught an std, worse yet infected you with one?

 

What if your spouse cheated on you with a family member or relative?

 

Would you stay hoping the other died before you? If so would it be because of 'winning' or insurance pay outs? Would you be tempted to help it along if you could?

 

Or would you simply stay because, no matter what, and you don't care?

 

Just gathering opinions for the human log. I will be reporting to the mother ship soon.

 

Many thanks.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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When I was single (meaning unmarried) I always said I could get past he kissed another woman & I might be able to overlook a ONS but I could not abide an on-going dual relationship.

 

As a married woman . . . I take that forsaking all others 'til death us do part stuff seriously. You cross a line, stay on the wrong side of it 'cause you ain't coming back to hurt me again.

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underpants Established Member

underpants

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When I was single (meaning unmarried) I always said I could get past he kissed another woman & I might be able to overlook a ONS but I could not abide an on-going dual relationship.

 

As a married woman . . . I take that forsaking all others 'til death us do part stuff seriously. You cross a line, stay on the wrong side of it 'cause you ain't coming back to hurt me again.

 

Thank you for answering. I wanted to edit but you answered too fast. I will do that in a moment.

 

My response to you. One kiss, one ONS, or the occasional/multiple over time? Would you accept kissing another occasionally, a ONS every year or so? Or is it alright you did that once I'm done?

 

I really am just curious, not trying to stir anything.

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underpants Established Member

underpants

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My edit is for those who are 'staying no matter what' does financials/lifestyle play a factor? If your spouse got injured or lost their income/job would you still stay at a loss of lifestyle. For ex. your spouse is being sued and you stand to lose everything.

 

Stay no matter what, even if with a homeless active cheater?

 

Stay and gain employment, support the unit?

 

Stay until the benefits run out then leave?

 

Leave yourself and fund a new life on you (your children's) terms, as scary as that may be?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
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My response to you. One kiss, one ONS, or the occasional/multiple over time? Would you accept kissing another occasionally, a ONS every year or so? Or is it alright you did that once I'm done?

 

When I was single (again unmarried) it was ONE. Meaning you get one bite at the apple. . . whether your lips stray or more, that one time was it. The minute my BF felt the need to kiss not 1 but 2 or more women who were not me, clearly he was looking for something I wasn't giving him so I would set him free (by way of kicking him out). There would also be "punishments" including apology jewelry, flowers, groveling & monitoring of communications.

 

As a married person, if my husband strayed, that would be it. No second chances.

 

I was also much younger when I came up with that. It would be far easier to excuse stupid immature college stuff then a conscious decision by an adult.

katielee Established Member

katielee

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How on earth could any of this be decided until its lived?

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underpants Established Member

underpants

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How on earth could any of this be decided until its lived?

 

The mother ship craves knowledge. Beep pew cough.

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hippychick3 Established Member

hippychick3

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I am not married anymore but am in a 2+ year relationship. It would only take ONE act of cheating (which includes "just" kissing) for me to end it immediately. There would be no second chances.

 

Once the trust is gone, there really is no more relationship.

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mrldii Established Member

mrldii

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My "Non-Negotiables":

 

1. Have/get/keep a job/source of income;

2. No infidelity (emotional OR physical);

3. No hitting me;

4. No drug abuse; and

5. No commission of any type of felony (speeding - OK, chronic speeding - NOT OK)

 

 

Always made it clear, right from the get-go; never broke up over any of 'em. Never found - nor will I find - it necessary to move/erase/blur the line just to be able to say "Yes, I'm in a relationship."

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Krashi Established Member

Krashi

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One strike and you are out, for me. No second chances. I think cheating is a huge, abusive deal. I think anyone who could do it is seriously messed up.

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sambolini Established Member

sambolini

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Once I got confirmation my ex wife was cheating, I was done. Immediate and remorseless divorce.

 

Four years later and I've never looked back.

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nightmare01 Established Member

nightmare01

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Until you've actually lived the nightmare, all the talk of boundaries are just that. Talk. To a man/woman all of us BS said that any affair would end the marriage. But when we found ourselves in a 20, 30, or 40 year marriage, with tangled families & friends, with children whom we might loose custody of, with looking at everything we built in life about to crumble to dust - well, most of us found some wiggle room in those hard boundaries.

 

And I mean this in a friendly way - you just don't know what it's about until you've lived it.

 

Abuse: well I think physical abuse should be a one and done deal. Mental abuse is a squirmy little bugger. I'm not belittling the impact of it, mental / verbal abuse is just a horrible crazy making thing that will have you doubting yourself and thinking that you're nuts. The thing with mental abuse is that it tends to creep in... I guess physical abuse is sort of the same way.. anyway - it starts small, and you make an excuse and just kinda get used to it. Then slowly over time it escalates. So I really don't know what to say about that.. where can you have a hard boundary on something that slowly creeps into your life?

 

Post affair: Yes I have hard boundaries. If my WW visits any of the "special" places she shared with her OM, we're done. If she visits any place near to where he lives, we're done. If she accidently runs into him and I find out about it later (as in she doesn't tell me immediately), we're done. If she sees OM by design, well obviously we're done. WW knows of these boundaries and the consequence with crossing them. I don't know what she thinks of them.. and honestly I don't care.

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Krashi Established Member

Krashi

Posted
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Until you've actually lived the nightmare, all the talk of boundaries are just that. Talk. To a man/woman all of us BS said that any affair would end the marriage. But when we found ourselves in a 20, 30, or 40 year marriage, with tangled families & friends, with children whom we might loose custody of, with looking at everything we built in life about to crumble to dust - well, most of us found some wiggle room in those hard boundaries.

 

And I mean this in a friendly way - you just don't know what it's about until you've lived it.

 

Abuse: well I think physical abuse should be a one and done deal. Mental abuse is a squirmy little bugger. I'm not belittling the impact of it, mental / verbal abuse is just a horrible crazy making thing that will have you doubting yourself and thinking that you're nuts. The thing with mental abuse is that it tends to creep in... I guess physical abuse is sort of the same way.. anyway - it starts small, and you make an excuse and just kinda get used to it. Then slowly over time it escalates. So I really don't know what to say about that.. where can you have a hard boundary on something that slowly creeps into your life?

 

Post affair: Yes I have hard boundaries. If my WW visits any of the "special" places she shared with her OM, we're done. If she visits any place near to where he lives, we're done. If she accidently runs into him and I find out about it later (as in she doesn't tell me immediately), we're done. If she sees OM by design, well obviously we're done. WW knows of these boundaries and the consequence with crossing them. I don't know what she thinks of them.. and honestly I don't care.

 

Not being critical, just wondering. It seems your wife is "loyal" now, only due to fear of consequences vs genuine affection for you. Do I have that right? I may not.

dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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Hard boundary?

 

I supposed the only for sure hard boundary (end the marriage) right now immediately would be something my spouse did or is doing which would seriously threaten the health, welfare, or general quality of life for my (our) child. Any number of serious things could do this.

 

Everything else - including her cheating again would be a shade of grey I would have to go though and make a decision on how to handle. I did not used to think this way, but life has changed and is different now.

waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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My experience of marriage (and it's a long one) is that we both 'blur our boundaries' all the time. It's another way of saying that we are growing up and changing.

 

When I was 17 I was totally sure I'd never have children as I believed that the human population was too big and we were poisoning the planet. That changed.

 

When we were younger H would never believed that he'd stay with a wife that crouched in a corner and sobbed day after day after day, and talked of suicide, and went for long long walks for hours without saying where I was going. He'd never believed that he'd have to sit and wait in fear of where I was and what I was doing. But he did until I got my depression and anxiety treated and under control.

 

When we were younger H never believed he'd stay out all night getting drunk and deliberately picking fights with strangers. But he did when he couldn't handle the grief and anger after his father died.

 

Neither of us had any boundaries when it came to infidelity because neither of us believed we needed to. We did. On his side, and on mine to a smaller extent.

 

Our married life is most of our adult lives and we have both coped with and learned from more than either of us thought we would ever have to.

 

Having said that after our experiences I will never accept another affair. And if he had another I would have to assume that he didn't care about me at all having seen how much damage he did the first time so presumably he'd want our marriage done as well.

PrettyEmily77 Established Member

PrettyEmily77

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Never cheated nor being cheated on so it's all theory on my part but I can't imagine any situation where I'd be okay with any line crossed, be it a kiss or an unappropriate emotional connection, because I have lived the effects cheating has on people.

 

One of my exes and my BF got cheated on and they were both very clear about not wanting a repeat performance, which I really appreciated. It got to the point where my ex ended up checking up on me, snooping on my phone and turning up to places randomly where I'd be meeting friends and it became unsustainable and unhealthy. He couldn't keep a lid on his paranoia, which is what broke us up so I have had a zero tolerance line ever since.

 

My BF doesn't speak much about his experience but I know it has affected him deeply and he has made it clear that's an instant deal-breaker for him and says he's happy it is one for me as well.

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gettingstronger Established Member

gettingstronger

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Not sure- never thought about it until it happened to me- when others dealt with infidelity I was always of the opinion- whatever works for them is fine, I will not judge who stays or goes-It never crossed my mind my husband would cheat-

 

So, we are reconciling- almost 3 years in and TBH not 100% sure we will make it in the long run- things are going well, but I am now of the mind-you just never know when enough is enough-

minimariah Established Member

minimariah

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when it comes to infidelity - my hard boundary is... pretty much every form of infidelity. texting, sexting, one kiss, two kisses, titty grab, drunk or sober, ONS or long term affair... i find it that, the older i am, the faster i run on the first sign of any type of infidelity.

merrmeade Established Member

merrmeade

Posted
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My edit is for those who are 'staying no matter what' does financials/lifestyle play a factor? If your spouse got injured or lost their income/job would you still stay at a loss of lifestyle. For ex. your spouse is being sued and you stand to lose everything.

 

Stay no matter what, even if with a homeless active cheater?

 

Stay and gain employment, support the unit?

 

Stay until the benefits run out then leave?

 

Leave yourself and fund a new life on you (your children's) terms, as scary as that may be?

Good lord. Nobody says that. WHERE do you find anyone saying they'll stay "no matter what"? That is YOUR overlay on what you read. Bizarre you even put single quotes around it. I dare you to find even one poster that's said that or even implied it.
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WaitingForBardot Established Member

WaitingForBardot

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Hard boundary?

 

I supposed the only for sure hard boundary (end the marriage) right now immediately would be something my spouse did or is doing which would seriously threaten the health, welfare, or general quality of life for my (our) child. Any number of serious things could do this.

...

I agree and would add that threaten my health as well. Never understood the guys that reunite with women that tried to kill them; that's a hard boundary for me.

fellini Established Member

fellini

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The mother ship craves knowledge. Beep pew cough.

 

Knowledge or suppositions?

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No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted (edited)

My line is set at the beginning. No kisses, no sex with another woman. And since there seem to be a lot of men who are still interested in having someone at their back through thick and thin I don't intend to make any exceptions. When a partner is really into you he or she won't do anything to risk losing you. Anyone who crosses the line loses his value to me, and becomes replaceable. There are always a few billion men out there who haven't betrayed me, so there's tough competition.

Edited by No Limit
MJJean Established Member

MJJean

Posted
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Lines in the sand can and do change as well as get washed away with the tide.

 

I'm curious as to where exactly your hard line is? Or did you declare one after dday number 1, only to move the line after dday number?

 

Were you one time cheated on and done?

 

One time failed recon then done?

 

I'm honestly not sure. I've thought my hard line was infidelity, but after nearly 16 years and loving DH so much, depending on the circumstances, I think I'd be willing to try reconciling.

 

Kind of wanted an out then found the door through infidelity? Either side.

 

Yup. I wanted out of my first marriage before it began. But I married him and stayed with him for nearly 6 years because he was the father of my baby. It was a pretty miserable sham of a marriage with a complete loser. I had affairs throughout, but finally left because I fell in love with my final AP. We've been together ever since.

 

Staying no matter what? What if your partner was committing a crime? Or did before the infidelity? Would you cover, spackle/ignore ala Camille Cosby or Dottie Sandusky?

 

Does it depend on the crime?

 

Does it depend on if the crime is exposed?

 

Really depends on the crime. Crimes that harmed other people I would definitely NOT ignore or cover for if it was exposed. If it wasn't exposed before I found out, I'd probably expose.

 

 

What if your spouse impregnated another or caught an std, worse yet infected you with one?

 

If DH impregnated someone else, I'd divorce him. I would tell him to go and be free to take care of his baby and baby momma. Partially because I believe kids should have their fathers and mothers should have the fathers support and partially because I have no desire to share my DH with another woman and her child.

 

If he caught an STD that I didn't get AND I decided to reconcile after discovering the affair, I would be supportive with his treatment and healing. If I caught it? Whoo-boy, that's a tough one. I'd be all kinds of pissed off, emotional, and upset. He'd have to deal with that for a while before I got over it.

 

What if your spouse cheated on you with a family member or relative?

 

Depends on the circumstances again. If it was a one off with a 2nd cousin I never see, that'd be one thing. Sleeping with my sister? That would be quite another thing.

 

Would you stay hoping the other died before you? If so would it be because of 'winning' or insurance pay outs? Would you be tempted to help it along if you could?

 

Or would you simply stay because, no matter what, and you don't care?

 

Just gathering opinions for the human log. I will be reporting to the mother ship soon.

 

Many thanks.

 

Would I stay hoping my H died before me or be tempted to help it along?

 

Naw, I'd just leave. Why waste my life?

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betrayedandhurting Established Member

betrayedandhurting

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I have been through hell. The extent of my wife's betrayal is titanic and I've been lied to about the extent over and over again as she tried to protect herself and save the marriage. I doubt I will ever know the 100% truth. I would have sworn on a stack of bibles I would leave in an instant for half of what I found but I stayed.

 

I stayed because I'm 100% sure she ended it instantly when I found out. She never blamed me, not once, and has been on her knees trying to save the marriage ever since. She has been in therapy for more than a year and a half and shows deep, deep remorse and has taken and accepted levels of anger on my part I simply didn't know I was capable of. I know some of the reasons I truly believe it happened and know it wasn't me. Despite daily pain our marriage has reached a very different place then it was before and frankly is all I've ever wanted if not for the knowledge of what has occurred weighing on me everyday.

 

That said... where is my line? Easy. Never, ever again. Anything. Any secret moving forward. A secret phone call with any man, an email... anything... doesn't have to be physical, doesn't have to even have a history... the slightest mistake tomorrow or 30 years from now I walk away. I don't care how much money I lose or the consequences on my kids, I know I can have a clean conscience I have done all I could and more than I ever should have to try and save this. The line in the sand going forward is nothing short of perfection.

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underpants Established Member

underpants

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Good lord. Nobody says that. WHERE do you find anyone saying they'll stay "no matter what"? That is YOUR overlay on what you read. Bizarre you even put single quotes around it. I dare you to find even one poster that's said that or even implied it.

 

Well, I put "single quotes" around it because it was not a direct quote, but an indirect quote from context, my intention. Thank you grammar police.

 

So is a grammatical error a deal breaker for you? Say more so then infidelity?

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