Maintain "no contact"?

[JTwelve]

Opinions on "No contact" needed!

 

So, quick rundown. 4 years with this woman. I wouldn't commit to marriage and she had unmet emotional needs because I was mostly indifferent and didn't show her I loved her. She told me she needed time and space a month ago. She travels a lot but this week was home and said she needed the house to herself so she could "miss me". She is trying to decide if she wants to still be with me. We have a house together and a life together. I'd like to reconcile. She's a good woman, mostly.

 

So, for the first month I acted clingy and sad, thinking it was my fault for not committing. I flew out to her at work to propose and it was foiled when she found out. So I exhibited all the clinginess and neediness possible. After finding out about the other guy I instituted no contact, and said I needed time.

 

We live together. Yesterday she asked about me contributing to bills. I told her I would but that I was looking for apartments. That threw her into a fit and she said "don't sign anything until we make some concrete decisions". She said that I could live at the house and she could move out, which makes no sense cause the house is in her name. And she now says she doesn't want to "displace our cats". Which is just odd.

 

I think she's having second thoughts. We're supposed to come to a decision this weekend and I don't know how to play it. Continue no contact? Tell her we are going to work on things, period. I don't know what to do, but I know a decision is looming and I don't know how to maintain strength without showing her I'd reconcile if she would.

 

I also don't know if by using "no contact" I am continuing to show her that I don't care about her. She spent 4 years with me not doing a very good job of showing her that I love her. In this instance, should I let her know that I still do?

 

Any ideas?

[d0nnivain]

You aren't at N.C. yet. That is for after you formally end this & never want to reconcile. At this juncture, N.C. is game playing.

 

What you two need are several long conversations & possibly some couples counseling. If you do decide to get married at the very least get pre-marital counseling.

 

I say lay it all on the line for her. Tell her how you feel & what you want but also make it clear you aren't begging. If she wants something else then what you want, it's over. Then you start moving out. Once you are fully dislodged, then N.C. is a healing tool. To use it now is some b.s. about absence making the heart grow fonder which doesn't really work.

[Amelie1980]

4 years with this woman. I wouldn't commit to marriage and she had unmet emotional needs because I was mostly indifferent and didn't show her I loved her.

 

You cant go and stay NC in this situation, you have property and pets together.

 

To deal with this, you need to address the above. 4 years with her, you wont marry her and you were indifferent towards her, didnt meet her emotional needs and didnt show her you loved her.

 

Dont try and get her to stay out of a knee jerk reaction and dont waste any more of her time.

 

Do you want to commit and can you meet her emotional needs?

 

If not, end it now. It is pointless to reconcile if in a few months or another couple of years, you still wont commit and are acting indifferent again.

 

Yes and as the other poster donnovain says, you are using NC to play games now. Which suggests to me you do treat her indifferently. You want to use NC for manipulation here and I think that speaks volumes about how much you care for her: i.e. not much.

Edited December 3, 2015 by Amelie1980

[JTwelve]

I wrote her two letters since the "separation". I the first one I made it clear to her that I intend to cherish her, and do everything I can to be more present and involved. I also asked more than once that she go to counseling with me. She says that committing to counseling makes her feel like she is giving me a chance, and that she doesn't want to get hurt again.

 

The second letter, I went even further. I told her that I'd sell my motorcycle and buy something that we could both enjoy. I told her a lot of other things I'd be willing to sacrifice. In short, I groveled.

 

*Just to add this cause I think it's probably important.

 

The day before she asked for space, she met someone out of town while working. She then asked for space and lied to me about arrangements she made to meet him. She spent a week "exploring" that relationship and came home, from what I can tell, without having slept with him and having it ended. While she was out of town and at the end of her week with the guy, she flew to another town for work. I flew out to surprise propose to her, thinking part of the problem was that she thought I'd never commit. That obviously didn't work. I didn't propose as she found out I was there before I could.

 

She says that he was like a wake up call to her life, to make her decide whether she wanted our relationship any longer or not. I think she threw herself at him and he balked after getting what he wanted. Either way, I do believe it's over because she would have already gotten rid of me if it wasn't. That's not her style..... but I didn't think emotional cheating was either. Either way, I take some responsibility for letting our connection die to the point that it had. Heck, I had considered cheating though I could never do that to someone I love.

 

So, before I knew about him, I groveled and told her everything I'd change. She had asked for a week without me before I found out about him. When I found out about him, I beat her to the punch and started the week myself telling her I needed time to sort things out for myself. So technically, I instituted a tentative "no contact".

Edited December 3, 2015 by JTwelve

[Amelie1980]

Anyone can grovel and say they can change.

 

can you actually do it? Do you want to marry her? Show her love instead of indifference. You havent answered that.

[JTwelve]

Amelie, I understand your response. I definitely feel terrible for letting our relationship devolve to the point that it had. She held onto resentments from literally 3 days into our relationship, and always held things over my head.

 

The way that I see it, we had something special that we made last for 4 years without any help or attempts to get tools to work through our problems.

 

I feel like we could be great if we both wanted it, and went to counseling. We'd talked about counseling for 2 years, but never made it happen. It may never happen.

[JTwelve]

Anyone can grovel and say they can change.

 

can you actually do it? Do you want to marry her? Show her love instead of indifference. You havent answered that.

 

 

I've had the ring for a year and a half. I flew out to Portland to propose, and would have had the person she worked with not told her when she started talking about the problems in her relatonship. The answer is yes. I've done nothing but reflect on what I did wrong and what I could do differently.

[Amelie1980]

Amelie, I understand your response. I definitely feel terrible for letting our relationship devolve to the point that it had. She held onto resentments from literally 3 days into our relationship, and always held things over my head.

 

The way that I see it, we had something special that we made last for 4 years without any help or attempts to get tools to work through our problems.

 

I feel like we could be great if we both wanted it, and went to counseling. We'd talked about counseling for 2 years, but never made it happen. It may never happen.

 

Ok what this tells us it that you've only been together 4 years and have been talking about counselling for 2 years and till not done it.

 

You feel you could be great if you both wanted it.....so that implies neither of you do want it that much...because you didnt go to counselling.

 

You had a ring for 2.5 years and didnt give it to her....more uncertainty.

 

Your relationship has only lasted 4 years and has been fraught with problems for at least half of that time to the extent of talking about counselling for 2 years.

 

Do both of you really want this? Neither of you seem that willing to make things work.

 

But you should be discussing these issues with her.

[d0nnivain]

The way that I see it, we had something special that we made last for 4 years without any help or attempts to get tools to work through our problems.

 

I feel like we could be great if we both wanted it, and went to counseling. We'd talked about counseling for 2 years, but never made it happen. It may never happen.

 

I've had the ring for a year and a half.

 

Something has been holding you back. If you have known for 1/2 of your relationship that you need counseling but neither of you has made the effort to have that become a reality, neither of you are prioritizing this relationship. People fight for things they want.

 

You having a ring for more than 1/3 of your relationship but not popping the Q before she was out the door & in another man's arms (even if you didn't know it at the time) also screams, to me at least, that in the back of your mind you knew something was wrong with this relationship.

 

Perhaps separating & both getting a fresh start with new people will be beneficial for you both. The cats will get over it.

[JTwelve]

That's all good advice.

 

We're both flawed people that come from flawed homes. We also piled on top of our relationship the purchase of a house and she had a major career change that put major stresses on us, financially.

 

She wanted marriage, and told everyone that would listen for 80% of the relationship. I always knew there were problems, which was why I didn't propose. But neither of us took the initiative to make it happen.

 

Maybe that was my job. It probably was. But I also want a woman that will pick me up when we are down, or at least do something besides resent me.

 

That's been the common theme, her resentment. Maybe it's justified. But we were never going to go anywhere with her always pissed at me for a million things. Yet she had some good reasons to be pissed.

 

The thing is, there was never any abuse. Never any fights that didn't end with a hug, or at least a smile. We love(d) each other, and we worked through things.

 

But she needed me to sit there and listen without getting defensive. I know that now. Just didn't know that before. I think you guys might be right. We're supposed to come back together this weekend and decide what to do. I'd marry her this weekend. But I think we're going to have to decide to take more time for ourselves.

 

I just wish that didn't mean moving out, signing new leases, and everything else involved in doing that. Because, to be completely honest, I see us working things out in the long run. Maybe I'm crazy.

[mightycpa]

That's all good advice.

 

We're both flawed people that come from flawed homes. We also piled on top of our relationship the purchase of a house and she had a major career change that put major stresses on us, financially.

 

She wanted marriage, and told everyone that would listen for 80% of the relationship. I always knew there were problems, which was why I didn't propose. But neither of us took the initiative to make it happen.

 

Maybe that was my job. It probably was. But I also want a woman that will pick me up when we are down, or at least do something besides resent me.

 

That's been the common theme, her resentment. Maybe it's justified. But we were never going to go anywhere with her always pissed at me for a million things. Yet she had some good reasons to be pissed.

 

The thing is, there was never any abuse. Never any fights that didn't end with a hug, or at least a smile. We love(d) each other, and we worked through things.

 

But she needed me to sit there and listen without getting defensive. I know that now. Just didn't know that before. I think you guys might be right. We're supposed to come back together this weekend and decide what to do. I'd marry her this weekend. But I think we're going to have to decide to take more time for ourselves.

 

I just wish that didn't mean moving out, signing new leases, and everything else involved in doing that. Because, to be completely honest, I see us working things out in the long run. Maybe I'm crazy.

I would also give up the idea of sudden change for the sake of somebody else. That almost never works. You may see parts of yourself you don't like, and that's fine, and it takes work. If you bend the curve too quickly, you break it. It's even harder when you do it for somebody else, and in the long run, you're not properly motivated.

 

All those promises you made out of desperation? Rethink them seriously, because if you're not all in, she'll be able to tell and neither of you will be happy.

[Gmuck]

You might have pushed her too far for too long by being indifferent and not showing her love. She might be 100% done by the way you have treated her. A lot of times there is no going back from that. Plus once the new guy shows her just a little bit of love or affection she's going to eat it up and she's going to want that. My ex flipped the whole moving thing with me. At first I was moving out and then she did. Originally she wanted some of the furniture and then she didn't. At the end when she moved out I wondered why she left me with the nice rental home and all the furniture. Only afterwards didn't realize she did so because she wanted to start a new life. In a new home. With new furniture. Nothing to remind her of us in her new life. I'm left with the memories of the home we shared and all the furniture we picked out. I feel like I got left behind with all our stuff while she moved on with all new stuff. Including a new bf.

 

I hope you still have a chance. If you were indifferent for a long time she's probably long gone. Anything you say or do that shows her love will be seen by her as too late.

[JTwelve]

You might have pushed her too far for too long by being indifferent and not showing her love. She might be 100% done by the way you have treated her. A lot of times there is no going back from that. Plus once the new guy shows her just a little bit of love or affection she's going to eat it up and she's going to want that. My ex flipped the whole moving thing with me. At first I was moving out and then she did. Originally she wanted some of the furniture and then she didn't. At the end when she moved out I wondered why she left me with the nice rental home and all the furniture. Only afterwards didn't realize she did so because she wanted to start a new life. In a new home. With new furniture. Nothing to remind her of us in her new life. I'm left with the memories of the home we shared and all the furniture we picked out. I feel like I got left behind with all our stuff while she moved on with all new stuff. Including a new bf.

 

I hope you still have a chance. If you were indifferent for a long time she's probably long gone. Anything you say or do that shows her love will be seen by her as too late.

 

 

So far, that's exactly how she's been..."too late".

 

I did a lot of things to show love, but she always thought it was just because we had recently fought or that it was just a half-assed attempt. Her resentment for many little things added up and caused me to shut down too. I won't and shouldn't take full blame.

 

What I didn't do, which was what she needed, was find time to be romantic....make a picnic in the backyard, or find time to take her somewhere neat. I just didn't put effort into it. Neither did she. We both let a great thing die on the vine.

 

I'll take plenty of responsibility though. All I can do is try to show her that I know what I did wrong, and maybe next month or 5 years from now she'll give me the chance to love her again....better.