Getting Through This Sudden Break-Up

[AnyTakers]

My guy and I have been doing well until the past few weeks. Him and I have been having these stupid arguments. The first one I can remember was when he mailed me a check and he it was taking longer than normal for it to get here versus other times it has gotten here. When I brought it to his attention, he assumed that I was insinuating that he was lying about mailing me the check and we got into an argument about it. So I felt like he was jumping to conclusions about it, because that was not what I was saying at all. We resolved that issue.

 

Then we had other petty arguments in between, and another one that sent him over the edge to where he almost broke up with me, but we managed to talk things out.

 

Then today, he said he might go hang out with a friend of his and that he will let me know for sure as soon as he finds out, and to meanwhile call him when I get off work (unless he texts me saying he will be hanging out with his friend). I did my part (called him when I got off work) but he on the other hand, didn't even bother to tell me ahead of time (the whole point of telling me ahead of time was so I wouldn't go through the trouble of calling him while he was spending time with his friend), and I felt like that was a bit inconsiderate on his part that he didn't do what he said he was going to do (text me to let me know he has decided to go spend the evening with his friend).

 

When I did finally get a chance to speak to him, he was out with his friend and he said he would be back in a half hour and he would call me then and I said okay. So 45 minutes passed, and normally he would at least let me know if he would be longer than he say, so I called and sent him a text saying that instead of having me waiting for him, and since he didn't let me know anything, I could have made other plans to do something else.

 

Then an hour passed and he finally called me back going off on me, saying why did I keep calling him and jumping to the conclusions that I was upset that he was hanging out with his friend, when that wasn't even the reason i was bothered. I expressed to him calmly the reason I was bothered was he did not give me a heads up that he was hanging out with his friend for sure, like he said he would do, but instead gave me the idea that I should be sitting by the phone, waiting for him to call when he is out doing something else when I could be out doing something else myself, and he called this relationship crazy and after I done explained to him that if he had just done what he said he would do in the first place, none of this would have transpired, let alone the effed up thoughts he was having about me and this relationship.

 

I then proceeded to tell him how I have constantly been accommodating to what he wants and everything, but I don't feel like I get that return and that him blowing up at me the way he did tonight definitely put me off. He apologized and claims he will communicate more and realizes that I was right that he should have at least gave me a heads up and that he doesn't want me to be afraid, but really I am.

 

I am afraid to say anything because he overanalyzes things that I say and his conclusions end up being something that is like way out in the solar system or some sh**.

 

Was I wrong in how I handled this situation? Should I run? I want the answer to both of these questions please. Thank you.

Edited November 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[ExpatInItaly]

To me, it sounds like these arguments are the signs of underlying issues. How long have you been together? How much time do you spend together in person? He might be feeling frustrated for other reasons. I also understand why you're frustrated, as I agreed he should've kept up his end of the agreement when he said he'd call. I don't you were wrong to point out that he was inconsiderate in not calling back as he said he would. If you're at the point where you're afraid to even mention your concerns for at the risk of upsetting him, there are communication issues that need to be worked out. I would proceed cautiously. See if he takes your point of view into consideration from here.

[laurah]

To me, it sounds like these arguments are the signs of underlying issues. How long have you been together? How much time do you spend together in person? He might be feeling frustrated for other reasons. I also understand why you're frustrated, as I agreed he should've kept up his end of the agreement when he said he'd call. I don't you were wrong to point out that he was inconsiderate in not calling back as he said he would. If you're at the point where you're afraid to even mention your concerns for at the risk of upsetting him, there are communication issues that need to be worked out. I would proceed cautiously. See if he takes your point of view into consideration from here.

 

I agree with expatInItaly. You need to have more open comunication between each other. There are many things that I think are important to a successful relationship. trust,love and communication are key to a relationship. You can't be afraid to communicate your needs and wants in the relationship. You have to stand up for yourself. He should've called you to let you know something.

 

I'll tell you my story first for an example. So I started dating people online on a site called ok cupid some months ago. I met a few people but no one that really clicked until one day I did. He messaged me first and said he was interested in talking to me so I started to talk to him. We seemed to like a lot of the same stuff and he said would you want to date me. So I took a look at his profile and I saw his location. It said Texas and I was in Indiana. I always had a rule about not dating anyone too far away from me. So I told him that he's too far away from me and it would be hard to have a relationship or even dating. He said he realizes that but there are lots of people who do it and they make it work. He said he would treat me good cause he was raised right and we would make it work. I said idk. He said I do. It will be fine. So I took a chance and started seriously talking to him. We kik'ed each other (a form of texting--an app) and skyped the following day. We talked for hours without running out of things to talk about. Over the month we got really close to each other and our texts were getting romantic. Then he said when are you going to come visit me? I wanna see you so bad. I said as soon as I can I'll come and get the money together for airfaire. Then right before I was leaving in august to come there he said this: even if you were not coming at all I would still feel the same way about you. I love you very much and would always want to be with you. that will never change. So I came there and we really hit it off even more in person and I was sad when I had to leave to go back home. Deep down I didn't want to leave. I got home and the distance was just killing me. I hated being without him but I learned to cope pretty well. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I kept telling myself that soon enough I will be moving there and will be with him permanently. But soon enough was in January and we had trouble waiting that long. So I ended coming down there in October and I couldn't be happier. I love him so much and wouldn't change a thing.Our relationship is going really well and I am extremely happy I'm here with him. He was worth the wait. (btw as I'm typing this he's going nuts. lol) So my point of that story. Long-distance relationships are not easy. they're hard. in my opinion they're harder than a relationship where the people live close to each other. you can't see the person and physically touch them. But if you really love the person it's worth the wait in the end. If the outcome would be you being very happy and in love then I say go for it. Idk how far along your feelings are for each other at this time. only you know that. Just know what lies ahead when your going to be apart. I was 988 miles or so away from my fiancee and the distance was killing me but I wouldn't change it for anything. If I didn't agree to date him then I would have never met him and be living with him. I would've passed up the guy of my dreams. Sometimes the temporary pain we go through is worth it if the end outcome is something that we long for. To help with the distance you could send him hand written cards/ letters. Send personalized care packages. (For example: I sent patrick a video game care package. I put some video games in there along with a video game tee-shirt and a zelda watch. and shipped it to his house.) the little things you do for him and he does for you will help with the longing to see them and the distance.

 

 

Here's a link about coping with a LDR: How to Cope With A Long Distance Relationship | eHow

[AnyTakers]

I agree with expatInItaly. You need to have more open comunication between each other. There are many things that I think are important to a successful relationship. trust,love and communication are key to a relationship. You can't be afraid to communicate your needs and wants in the relationship. You have to stand up for yourself. He should've called you to let you know something.

 

I'll tell you my story first for an example. So I started dating people online on a site called ok cupid some months ago. I met a few people but no one that really clicked until one day I did. He messaged me first and said he was interested in talking to me so I started to talk to him. We seemed to like a lot of the same stuff and he said would you want to date me. So I took a look at his profile and I saw his location. It said Texas and I was in Indiana. I always had a rule about not dating anyone too far away from me. So I told him that he's too far away from me and it would be hard to have a relationship or even dating. He said he realizes that but there are lots of people who do it and they make it work. He said he would treat me good cause he was raised right and we would make it work. I said idk. He said I do. It will be fine. So I took a chance and started seriously talking to him. We kik'ed each other (a form of texting--an app) and skyped the following day. We talked for hours without running out of things to talk about. Over the month we got really close to each other and our texts were getting romantic. Then he said when are you going to come visit me? I wanna see you so bad. I said as soon as I can I'll come and get the money together for airfaire. Then right before I was leaving in august to come there he said this: even if you were not coming at all I would still feel the same way about you. I love you very much and would always want to be with you. that will never change. So I came there and we really hit it off even more in person and I was sad when I had to leave to go back home. Deep down I didn't want to leave. I got home and the distance was just killing me. I hated being without him but I learned to cope pretty well. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I kept telling myself that soon enough I will be moving there and will be with him permanently. But soon enough was in January and we had trouble waiting that long. So I ended coming down there in October and I couldn't be happier. I love him so much and wouldn't change a thing.Our relationship is going really well and I am extremely happy I'm here with him. He was worth the wait. (btw as I'm typing this he's going nuts. lol) So my point of that story. Long-distance relationships are not easy. they're hard. in my opinion they're harder than a relationship where the people live close to each other. you can't see the person and physically touch them. But if you really love the person it's worth the wait in the end. If the outcome would be you being very happy and in love then I say go for it. Idk how far along your feelings are for each other at this time. only you know that. Just know what lies ahead when your going to be apart. I was 988 miles or so away from my fiancee and the distance was killing me but I wouldn't change it for anything. If I didn't agree to date him then I would have never met him and be living with him. I would've passed up the guy of my dreams. Sometimes the temporary pain we go through is worth it if the end outcome is something that we long for. To help with the distance you could send him hand written cards/ letters. Send personalized care packages. (For example: I sent patrick a video game care package. I put some video games in there along with a video game tee-shirt and a zelda watch. and shipped it to his house.) the little things you do for him and he does for you will help with the longing to see them and the distance.

 

 

Here's a link about coping with a LDR: How to Cope With A Long Distance Relationship | eHow

 

Hi Thanks for the response. The link you provided isn't clickable though. Aside from that, I am very glad you are happy and found your true love. We plan to meet up in February (him coming here). And you are right, I should not be afraid to communicate how I feel to him. I have finally got him to understand the reason why I was bothered was because he did not even tell me that he was going to be out. Well this past weekend, he hung out with his friend again, and he said he would be or hopefully rather, to be home by 7 his time (we have a 2-hour time difference) So that is 9 pm my time, and I was truly looking forward to us spending some time together, like he said we would that evening, well I didn't hear anything from him until almost 10:30 my time, saying he should be home in about 40 minutes. So I was a bit upset about that. I am not even sure if I had a right to be upset about it. All I know is I told him how I felt, which was he gives me the impression of "She can wait" and have me waiting to hear from him. I tried to make sure I kept myself calm and cool when I did tell him how I felt. He did apologize for taking longer than he thought. So we talked that out. We were on the webcam for a bit and the same friend who he was hanging out with, called him to thank him for taking him wherever places he took him while they were out, and I waited for a few minutes, thinking that ok he will be off in a minute since he is only thanking him. Well he put on his earpiece, which usually means he will be talking for a while, so I told him straight up that he spent ALL DAY with him and that I be damned if I am going to sit here and deal with your attention being divided, when you was giving him ALL your attention when you were out with him. At first he tried to defend it, saying sometimes he gets phone calls, and I told him that's fine and all, buthe just got back from hanging out with him. It would be nice to have some time together before it's time for bed and I told him flat out that I'm not saying sh** else until he gets off the phone and basically walked away from the computer. Sure enough, 2 minutes later, he got off the phone, and gave me his full attention. I was not going to play that game with him and keep standing by being taken for granted. I really hope I wasn't being a b****. If so, then part of me feels like I had a right to be.

Edited November 30, 2015 by AnyTakers

[ExpatInItaly]

So if I understand correctly, you've never actually met in person before?

 

This is all an awful lot of stress for what is essentially an online friend. He's prioritizing his offline life over you, which you should be doing too, really. He is showing you where he places the most value and attention and it's on his real life around him.

 

How long have you been talking to this guy?

[AnyTakers]

So if I understand correctly, you've never actually met in person before?

 

This is all an awful lot of stress for what is essentially an online friend. He's prioritizing his offline life over you, which you should be doing too, really. He is showing you where he places the most value and attention and it's on his real life around him.

 

How long have you been talking to this guy?

 

We've been friends for years and this year we decided to try a relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

We've been friends for years and this year we decided to try a relationship.

 

And is it correct that you've never met in person? I'm just looking to clarify the context

[AnyTakers]

And is it correct that you've never met in person? I'm just looking to clarify the context

 

Not since the first time we've met. Which was how we started a friendship and it turned into something more after all these years and now we want to meet on our own accord this time.

[AnyTakers]

Well we talked last night and he said that hinted that I am co-dependent.... By asking me if I think I am co-dependent. I felt really insulted by that. I asked him why is it when he wants me to change things to make him feel more comfortable, it's fine, but when I ask him to change a couple of things to make me feel comfortable in return, I'm being questioned whether or not I am co-dependent.

 

Well during the conversation, my phone cut off, and when I did try to call him back finally, he hasn't called me back or anything. I even texted him, saying if I upset him, I apologize. Still nothing. I would think he would be man enough to at least tell him he does not want to talk to me anymore.

[AnyTakers]

Well as I've written in my previous thread, the guy I was having a relationship with suddenly vanished. I'll do my best to recollect what happened. The other day we were talking on the phone and he asked me if I am co-dependent, and I was wondering where he got that from (I truly don't even know what that even means). Then while we were talking, my phone died, so I was hoping that he would come online like he always does if my phone cuts out or dies (which is not often thankfully), but he didn't. So I borrowed one of my friend's phone to call him. No answer. I left a message letting him know who I am since I was calling from a different phone number he didn't recognize. I let my phone charge for a little while and called him again, still no answer. I started to panic wondering why no answer. I tried to sleep, but couldn't.

 

The morning came, and I called, texted him, wanting to know what happened. I can tell he was rejecting my call because the phone only rung twice before going to voice mail. So I left messages and texts asking him to be up front with me, asking me where him and I stand as far as he is concerned. I told him I am not looking to confront him. I am looking to know the truth so I can move on accordingly. Still no answer. I called again yesterday evening, pretty much asking the same thing in my messages.

 

Well today, I went ahead and called one last time, crying because I was at my wits end, asking him to please let me know what's going on with him because this silence isn't helping and not knowing anything is really affecting my work and I cannot lose my job too, since it already feels like I lost him. He finally sent me a text message, saying that he wants to work on maintaining a friendship, but is not ready for a relationship. I am extremely taken aback.

 

I thanked him for his honesty in so many words and told him that I hope he considers us in the future when he is ready for a relationship again, but despite of that, I am still very affected by it, can't eat, and probably will have a hard time sleeping tonight, and can't even focus on my work, which is one of the best things going on in my life right now. I really do not know how to get through this. This is my first time going through something like this long distance, much less someone suddenly dumping me. I've known him for years before getting involve with him, so it isn't as simple as that. I am crying as I am typing this and cannot stop crying. I feel like a complete failure. I really need suggestions please. I really don't want this to run my life. Thank you.