Vixi Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 I have been in a relationship with a guy for about two years now and we live together in his parent’s house. Our relationship has become extremely co-dependent which is blurring my perspective about whether or not we should stay together. He is 28, still trying to finish college and not really succeeding academically, and still kind of laying around all day playing video games while I’m at work. He doesn’t really have a life outside of me, not very many friends. I am 32 and quite settled in my career, I would like to start a family at some point soon. I moved into his parent’s house with him, figuring that we could save up some money and eventually buy our own house. But unfortunately the whole thing has become a very stressful experience. He is invalidating, doesn’t listen to my concerns, or doesn’t take responsibility at all during arguments. I end up losing my temper and am spending thousands on therapy trying to get it under control. I am not saying I am perfect, sometimes the way I talk to him can sound a bit condescending or judgmental, and I’ve REALLY been trying to work on that. But I don’t think he feels as though he needs to work on his behaviour at all. We don’t have productive fights, he just likes to sweep it all under the rug or blame me for having an issue with everything. I used to have lots of friends but a lot of them have ditched me because I complain about my relationship too much- without actually doing anything about it. I have been doing a lot of therapy to get me to a place where I make better decisions for myself. But right now, I am so emotional about moving forward without him even though I know that we don’t really have a future together. I finished school 8 years ago, and I am well into my career. He doesn’t even do his homework, and is doing really poorly in his courses. He keeps taking out more student loans to pay for it and it’s driving me nuts. I know that what he does with his education, or life is none of my business. But it affects MY life too…it’s frustrating to come home after a full day and see that he has done absolutely nothing around the house but sit on the couch surrounded by mess. I can’t live like this anymore…but at the same time I do love him and I don’t have much of a life without him either. I just work and go home. I think the reason I started dating him to begin with was because I was tired of being alone and he was always sort of available to me… I feel incredibly sorry for him as well. I want him to get up and start making something of his life. I have tried to get him to go therapy, or go to the gym..but he doesnt really keep at anything. He'll do something for a bit and give up a little while later. I know that I can’t change him…I’m just so lost. I guess I just wanted a little perspective before I make any decisions.
MiddleManMike Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 No you cannot change people, only they have the power to change. 4
central Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 He has shown you his true nature, and staying with him is costing you friends and opportunities. You can NOT change him. IF he wants to change, he will - and you can support the change but not force it in any particular direction or timeframe. So, I think it is time to face the fact that he isn't going to step up - whether it's his education, career, or his relationship with you. Time to move on, I think. 3
xcupid Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 Find your own place and move out. That will give you perspective. You're with him for all the wrong reasons. Sounds like he's a loser, sorry to say, and you can't change him. 4
SwordofFlame Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 OP, have you tried online dating? You can do WAY better than this loser.
AspenBaldwin Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 People don't change, they can pretend they have but just for a little while. Who they are at their core will show up again eventually. 2
kismetkismet Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 Oh wow, no you've gotta leave!! What is it that is making you stay, co-dependence? you know yourself that that is NO reason to stay in a relationship. if anything it's another reason to leave. Get out there! Live your life! stop letting this guy drag you down. he shows no signs of motivation to do anything with his life.. this relationship is already dead in the water and holding you back. I know you may love him, but you CAN and WILL get over it, and after the struggle of the breakup you will be muuuuuch more happy in the long run. Do you want the rest of your life to feel this way? Because it will as long as you stay with him.
Glitters Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 The first thing a therapist should have told you was : you cannot change people. They change only if they want to. That said, you are wasting your time and energy. 3
Fuerza Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 People don't change, they can pretend they have but just for a little while. Who they are at their core will show up again eventually. This right here. When I read your thread, I for a moment thought you were describing my ex. He's just the same, had loans to pay for his tuitions instead of working, lazy as far as school went, still lived at home, spent most of his time gaming and sometimes went out for some sport but that was it. We've tried many times, but just like AspenBaldwin said, he would better himself for a few weeks and after that he'd just become the same lazy person with no ambition. Don't let this guy drag you down please, the fact that he even finds it ok that you live with his parents just baffles me. There is no privacy, it's awkward, you have to tip toe everywhere. How are you doing it! You're 32, you need a financial stable guy that is not lazy and shows ambition.
kendahke Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 No. You can't change anyone. Just like you: you want to complain, but you don't want to do anything about it...read: change... ...but complain. Complaining does nothing except drive people away from you. Change is easy, by the way. You do it, it's done. It's the decision to change that is hard and for some reason, you won't decide to move out on your own, rent a new place with better energy, get on with your life so that you're in the head space to attract a responsible man who wants more out of life than his parent's couch and his XboxOne. If what you want is a man with ambition and drive; who wants to make something out of his life, then the man you're wasting your youth with isn't that man. The sooner you realize that and move out and on, the happier you'll be. 1
kendahke Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 The first thing a therapist should have told you was : you cannot change people. They change only if they want to. That said, you are wasting your time and energy. ^^^this right here. Not to mention thousands of dollars and time.
Gaeta Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 Therapy doesn't work on you so why would it work on him. You can go to all therapy in the world you still have to kick yourself and make CHANGES in your life. Instead of wasting your money on therapy go by the book 'the giant within'. You are 100% responsible of the way your life is right now. Not him......YOU are. Every day we make decision that builds our tomorrow. Where you are today is the results of all of your past decisions.
Redhead14 Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 (edited) I have been in a relationship with a guy for about two years now and we live together in his parent’s house. Our relationship has become extremely co-dependent which is blurring my perspective about whether or not we should stay together. He is 28, still trying to finish college and not really succeeding academically, and still kind of laying around all day playing video games while I’m at work. He doesn’t really have a life outside of me, not very many friends. I am 32 and quite settled in my career, I would like to start a family at some point soon. I moved into his parent’s house with him, figuring that we could save up some money and eventually buy our own house. But unfortunately the whole thing has become a very stressful experience. He is invalidating, doesn’t listen to my concerns, or doesn’t take responsibility at all during arguments. I end up losing my temper and am spending thousands on therapy trying to get it under control. I am not saying I am perfect, sometimes the way I talk to him can sound a bit condescending or judgmental, and I’ve REALLY been trying to work on that. But I don’t think he feels as though he needs to work on his behaviour at all. We don’t have productive fights, he just likes to sweep it all under the rug or blame me for having an issue with everything. I used to have lots of friends but a lot of them have ditched me because I complain about my relationship too much- without actually doing anything about it. I have been doing a lot of therapy to get me to a place where I make better decisions for myself. But right now, I am so emotional about moving forward without him even though I know that we don’t really have a future together. I finished school 8 years ago, and I am well into my career. He doesn’t even do his homework, and is doing really poorly in his courses. He keeps taking out more student loans to pay for it and it’s driving me nuts. I know that what he does with his education, or life is none of my business. But it affects MY life too…it’s frustrating to come home after a full day and see that he has done absolutely nothing around the house but sit on the couch surrounded by mess. I can’t live like this anymore…but at the same time I do love him and I don’t have much of a life without him either. I just work and go home. I think the reason I started dating him to begin with was because I was tired of being alone and he was always sort of available to me… I feel incredibly sorry for him as well. I want him to get up and start making something of his life. I have tried to get him to go therapy, or go to the gym..but he doesnt really keep at anything. He'll do something for a bit and give up a little while later. I know that I can’t change him…I’m just so lost. I guess I just wanted a little perspective before I make any decisions. I feel incredibly sorry for him as well -- Feel more sorry for yourself. Focus on you and your needs. Neither one of you is able to be a good partner for one another. Our relationship has become extremely co-dependent which is blurring my perspective about whether or not we should stay together. -- Your perspective is not blurred at all -- You have clearly identified the situation and you are aware that co-dependency does not a relationship make . . . Can You Change Someone? -- You cannot change anyone. What you can change is YOU. You need to address somethings in yourself first if you even want to try to see if he will change. This is akin to putting the oxygen mask on a baby in an emergency on a plane. Fix yourself first then you can be there for him. Move out, get yourself established as a strong, secure, independent woman. While you are doing that, maybe he will take a queue from you. If not, so be it. You will be in a better position and frame of mind to make decisions for yourself. Edited December 2, 2015 by Redhead14 1
kismetkismet Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 People don't change, they can pretend they have but just for a little while. Who they are at their core will show up again eventually. This is true for the most part.. there are certain behaviours one can alter, but certain core attributes that you can not. And the changes have to be made for yourself, not for others. Ones made for others will fade. Having no ambition, self respect, or respect for others is not something that will change. But even further than that, this guy hasn't ever said or implied in any way that he even WANTS to change, or thinks that he should! not only does he not want to change for himself, or pretend that he does, he hasn't even tried to lie to you that he wants to try to change.. let alone make any effort to actually do it. 1
Ic1 Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 There's been a study that's shown some women like men with problems because of all the chick-flicks where a woman saves a man, or a rough man saves a woman. They think they can live the hollywood story. But life doesn't go by the script written for a movie. Don't stick around to make it a sad-ending story. 2
Blanco Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 After spending time on these forums, I feel like my total indifference toward video/computer gaming should make me one of the most desirable men this side of George Clooney. 2
truth_seeker Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 I have been in a relationship with a guy for about two years now and we live together in his parent’s house. Our relationship has become extremely co-dependent which is blurring my perspective about whether or not we should stay together. He is 28, still trying to finish college and not really succeeding academically, and still kind of laying around all day playing video games while I’m at work. He doesn’t really have a life outside of me, not very many friends. I am 32 and quite settled in my career, I would like to start a family at some point soon. You want the father of your children to be a loser? If so, stay with him. If you have any self-respect and dignity, leave him and find a guy who owns his own place, and at least has a bank account with money in it.
Redhead14 Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 I think some of the "issues" she's having will become clearer for her if she removes herself from the situation. She cannot think clearly if it's "in her face" all the time. 1
Author Vixi Posted December 2, 2015 Author Posted December 2, 2015 Wow, everyone is in total agreement! I do have a great therapist. She has been helping me with dealing with my anger at home so that we are not constantly at each other’s throats, while simultaneously helping me make decisions in more practical ways (such as writing a pros/cons list which I think someone else mentioned). Very helpful. I do have to move out and I realize that staying in the relationship is not helping anyone. To answer those who have questioned why I haven’t left yet- I guess I am codependent as well, which is why I ended up in this mess to begin with. I do love him, but I know he is not good for me. And I also know that I am the that will have to take action- because he certainly won’t. He is comfortable with things as they are, even though he doesn’t appear to be very happy either. 1
kismetkismet Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 Wow, everyone is in total agreement! I do have a great therapist. She has been helping me with dealing with my anger at home so that we are not constantly at each other’s throats, while simultaneously helping me make decisions in more practical ways (such as writing a pros/cons list which I think someone else mentioned). Very helpful. I do have to move out and I realize that staying in the relationship is not helping anyone. To answer those who have questioned why I haven’t left yet- I guess I am codependent as well, which is why I ended up in this mess to begin with. I do love him, but I know he is not good for me. And I also know that I am the that will have to take action- because he certainly won’t. He is comfortable with things as they are, even though he doesn’t appear to be very happy either. 100% honestly you will be doing BOTH of you a favour. Being in this relationship is keeping both of you stuck in a stagnant, unproductive rut. He may not like it when it happens, but perhaps the change will force him to get his life together. He will realize that he can't just drift through life and everything will carry on as normal.
kendahke Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 Be prepared for him to use whatever device at this disposal to make you not take action in your best interests: he'll only be interested in preserving what is comfortable to him. Meaning: keeping the present course. He'll promise, he'll rage, he'll cry, he'll pout, he'll withhold, he'll get his parents involved. Expect all of that to happen, but still, go forth with your plans. Do not put them off for promises. He'll have to bring you tangible results first and that's not going to be for some time. Don't waste any more of your youth behind him.
Recommended Posts