I broke up with him

[Courtney2141]

This is my first post so I'm a little nervous!

 

A little bit of the backstory:

 

I got divorced in October of last year. Quickly after that, I ran into someone I had known since 7th grade and we began dating. We dated for almost 10 months and we ended up moving in together recently. I have three children from my previous marriage.

 

Current situation:

 

I broke up with my boyfriend because I couldn't take the stress. The stress of living together with 3 children and trying to make that work, both of us have stressful jobs, he's in school, my sister was having health problems, kids all have extra curricular activities, ex husband issues, etc.. The list goes on and on....we kept arguing and we were not "us" at all anymore. We had turned into resentful roommates and always bickering at each other. Finally, one day I told him he needed to move out. I feel like something had to give and I felt like I was going crazy so unfortunately, he was what had to give. The first week after, I felt content with my decision. After the first week, my heart was literally shattered. I realized that he is what is best for me and my children and it was just a lot of wrong timing.

 

We still speak (not daily) and we have seen each other a few times since. When we see each other, there is so much confusion. He says he thinks we need time to figure out how to be happy individually before we are together again, IF we ever get back together. He says seeing me makes things even harder on him, etc. but he asked me to go to dinner with him on Friday.

 

I feel like I am initiating most of the conversations and I do know he has recently been hanging out with one of his ex girlfriends. My heart is just so torn on what to do....

 

I have been seeing a counselor and I feel like it is helping me immensely. She mentioned asking him to come to a session with me. What are yalls thoughts? On the counselor and on what I should do as far as keep seeing him and hope things work out or go NC? I don't want things to be over and he even makes comments like "we have been through too much to throw that all away" but I feel it's not good for me to keep holding onto hope if hope isn't even there.

 

Thanks in advance.

[PegNosePete]

Well, it's my opinion that people should either ship or get off the pot.

 

I don't see what's to be gained by having him attend a counselling session with you.

 

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that you want him back. If he says yes, all good, full steam ahead. If he says no, respect his decision and stop communicating with him. If he says he needs time, tell him that's fine but you can't put your life on hold forever Give him 1 week, alone, to make a decision. Don't contact him at all in that time. If he makes a decision, go with it as above. If he still can't decide after a week, it means it's a "no" and you'll have to move on with your life.

[bluefeather]

It seems like you made a mistake and are now realizing it. You pushed him away, so he will probably be very distant from you now. If other ladies are involved, especially an old ex, he will be swayed away from you unless you do something big now.

 

Sounds like you stressed yourself into GIGS. It's understandable with the situation you're in. Having children plus a new man living with you is probably a lot to balance. But if he is truly worth it, and you truly desire this person in your life as your lover, I would suggest you make damn sure about it, and then be straight with him about it. It already seems like you pushed him too far away and lost him. It might take something big to bring him back, unless he is some kind of pushover or just really lost in his head right now.

 

p.s. welcome to the forum

[AT15]

Gosh, I can relate to this story. My story is so similar.

 

And what I can say now, is that I really needed the time adjust to being on my own. I loved my boyfriend,but I really wasn't ready for him to move in. So, things fell apart, we argued and he moved out.

 

I think about him a lot. But the truth is, I really need to be by myself for a while. Then if we work on ourselves as separate people, then maybe if we are still right for each other her we can give it another go.

 

But, you need space for yourself. Don't let fear get in the way.nif he is meant for you, then he will wait. Men always wait if they are truly in love, even when they are occupied in another relationship.

[Courtney2141]

It seems like you made a mistake and are now realizing it. You pushed him away, so he will probably be very distant from you now. If other ladies are involved, especially an old ex, he will be swayed away from you unless you do something big now.

 

Sounds like you stressed yourself into GIGS. It's understandable with the situation you're in. Having children plus a new man living with you is probably a lot to balance. But if he is truly worth it, and you truly desire this person in your life as your lover, I would suggest you make damn sure about it, and then be straight with him about it. It already seems like you pushed him too far away and lost him. It might take something big to bring him back, unless he is some kind of pushover or just really lost in his head right now.

 

p.s. welcome to the forum

 

You are exactly right. I thought "with all this stress, there has to be someone out there for me who won't add this much stress in my life" when reality, it wasn't him at all - it was all of the outside factors. Any thoughts on what something big is?

 

He is very lost in his head and confused. He keeps saying he had a whole life plan and the kids and I came in and he changed his direction for us and now we left so he's lost and miserable. But also not doing anything about it...so it's a very confusing situation.

[Courtney2141]

Gosh, I can relate to this story. My story is so similar.

 

And what I can say now, is that I really needed the time adjust to being on my own. I loved my boyfriend,but I really wasn't ready for him to move in. So, things fell apart, we argued and he moved out.

 

I think about him a lot. But the truth is, I really need to be by myself for a while. Then if we work on ourselves as separate people, then maybe if we are still right for each other her we can give it another go.

 

But, you need space for yourself. Don't let fear get in the way.nif he is meant for you, then he will wait. Men always wait if they are truly in love, even when they are occupied in another relationship.

 

YES! Now looking back, I wish we hadn't have moved in together. We were living 40 minutes apart before so we thought it was best, when in reality it was the demise of our relationship. I understand needing to be by yourself, I've been really focusing on making myself happy, I've had depression issues since my divorce. I know I should probably back off and say whatever happens will happen but it's so hard, especially when I know I was the one in the wrong....you seem a lot stronger than me! I will be praying for you!

[mightycpa]

I think you can't afford to act like a teenager. You're pissing money away on a counselor that should probably be squirreled away instead to build some security. You owe them a stable childhood, even if that is at the expense of your personal bliss. Sure, it would be ice to have both, but it's plain to me that you can't do that right now.

 

I would guess that you were re-living the strife with your husband in your new relationship. Only 10 months into it, you've gone from reacquainting to dating to shacking up to breaking up. Frying pan, meet fire.

 

How do you spell R-E-B-O-U-N-D? Haven't those kids gone through enough recently without you putting them into a house where resentful roommates argued and bickered with each other? You've got to start making some sacrifices.

 

Here's your situation, as I see it:

 

1) With three kids, a lot of guys are going to look at you as a suitable ****, but unsuitable for anything serious or long term. Nothing against you or the kids, but that's the reality of the situation.

 

2) That means that whoever's left are the men who are either desperate for a relationship, looking for a free ride, players or saints. Other than ****ing them regularly, the only ones you have to treat very well are the saints. The players will never stay long term, and the other ones will put up with most of your ****. So choose your men wisely.

 

I don't know if your current man is a saint or not, but if he's sniffing around one of his ex's rather than tapping something new, then he might have trouble getting women. Apparently he was willing to put up with the bull****, because it was YOU who threw him out. He didn't walk from what sounds like an intolerable situation. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure you do. Decide which of those 4 types of men you want in your life, decide which one he is and then treat him accordingly.

 

Whatever he is, I'd recommend a timeout until you can pull yourself together and think this through rationally, rather than emotionally. I know this all sounds harsh, but take it from a guy who was very willing to **** divorced women with kids, while also refusing to have any romantic ties with them. The time for you to start deciding with your heart has long since passed you by. You have to start thinking practically.

[AT15]

I am not strong. I am hurting big time. And I think going to counseling is good for you and good for your children.

I had a mother who went through relationship issues with my father and she needed counseling and perspective. She didn't get it. And guess what? her unresolved issues became my unresolved issues.

 

So here I am at 36, working through my low self esteem issues. Trying to stay aware and mindful.

 

Meditation seems to work well for me. It keeps me in touch with my spirit, which I love more than anything and any man.

 

I am praying for you too. We can do this!!

[Courtney2141]

I think you can't afford to act like a teenager. You're pissing money away on a counselor that should probably be squirreled away instead to build some security. You owe them a stable childhood, even if that is at the expense of your personal bliss. Sure, it would be ice to have both, but it's plain to me that you can't do that right now.

 

I would guess that you were re-living the strife with your husband in your new relationship. Only 10 months into it, you've gone from reacquainting to dating to shacking up to breaking up. Frying pan, meet fire.

 

How do you spell R-E-B-O-U-N-D? Haven't those kids gone through enough recently without you putting them into a house where resentful roommates argued and bickered with each other? You've got to start making some sacrifices.

 

Here's your situation, as I see it:

 

1) With three kids, a lot of guys are going to look at you as a suitable ****, but unsuitable for anything serious or long term. Nothing against you or the kids, but that's the reality of the situation.

 

2) That means that whoever's left are the men who are either desperate for a relationship, looking for a free ride, players or saints. Other than ****ing them regularly, the only ones you have to treat very well are the saints. The players will never stay long term, and the other ones will put up with most of your ****. So choose your men wisely.

 

I don't know if your current man is a saint or not, but if he's sniffing around one of his ex's rather than tapping something new, then he might have trouble getting women. Apparently he was willing to put up with the bull****, because it was YOU who threw him out. He didn't walk from what sounds like an intolerable situation. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure you do. Decide which of those 4 types of men you want in your life, decide which one he is and then treat him accordingly.

 

Whatever he is, I'd recommend a timeout until you can pull yourself together and think this through rationally, rather than emotionally. I know this all sounds harsh, but take it from a guy who was very willing to **** divorced women with kids, while also refusing to have any romantic ties with them. The time for you to start deciding with your heart has long since passed you by. You have to start thinking practically.

 

I understand where you're coming from. So far, the last year has not been stable for them. Their dad they loved and trusted, left. Now we have moved 3 times and lived with mommy's boyfriend and now he has moved out as well. I know it's confusing but now I am back to square one and trying to make things as right and as "normal" for them as possible. They are my main concern, now and always and they are getting the help they need so I have faith in that process.

 

As far as what else you said - yes, he was a rebound. A rebound that turned into love. And I brought all of my issues with my ex into my new relationship which didn't do anyone any good. But as I previously said - now here I am, back at square one. I believe he is a saint...an honest, all around good guy. His father passed away when he was young and his step dad came in and "saved" his mom and her 3 kids so I think that is where his heart for us comes from.

 

Thank you for your input!

[Blanco]

Honestly, your focus during this transitional time should be squarely on the kids. You can't give them sufficient attention during a time when they need you most (i.e. parents splitting up) if you're trying to build and work on a romantic relationship. For as unstable as the last year has felt for you, just imagine how much worse and more confusing it must be for your children.

 

I know some people don't see issues with getting involved romantically too soon after separation or divorce, but this seems like one of those cases that reiterates why it's a poor idea to get too serious with anyone too soon after such a major life change. You haven't had time to be alone. Instead of processing what happened with your marriage, determining your role in the divorce, and re-establishing who you are as a person in your post-divorce life, you latched on to another person to ease the loneliness. That might sound harsh; not my intention. It seems fairly common with divorce.

 

My suggestion is to focus on your kids and establishing a stable home and lifestyle for them before you concern yourself with your romance life. I'm not saying your love life isn't important, but truthfully, it shouldn't be a priority at this time. Your kids need you to be the constant in what's no doubt become a very erratic life for them. You can't be that stable force if too much of your attention is going toward your relationships with other men.

[bluefeather]

You are exactly right. I thought "with all this stress, there has to be someone out there for me who won't add this much stress in my life" when reality, it wasn't him at all - it was all of the outside factors. Any thoughts on what something big is?

 

He is very lost in his head and confused. He keeps saying he had a whole life plan and the kids and I came in and he changed his direction for us and now we left so he's lost and miserable. But also not doing anything about it...so it's a very confusing situation.

 

If you are sure you love him and wish to be with him, realize that you made a mistake and get him back. But be straight. Tell him honestly what you believe the issue was and own up to your actions. Don't say vague things like "I miss you" and/or "I'd like to maybe have a cup of coffee" --- NO. Tell him you got stressed out and fudged up and are sorry and ask humbly to come back to him.

 

If you give a crap about him, really, then you won't care about how "pathetic" it may or may not look. If you desire him, that shouldn't matter. But I'd act fast, girl, because he could already be in the process of moving on. Going back to an old ex after a breakup with a current ex is usually never a good sign.

 

Honestly, it may be too late already. That's why if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't even be on this forum. I'd be at his doorstep ready to please. (disclaimer: that's just my perspective.)

[Simon Phoenix]

But also not doing anything about it...so it's a very confusing situation.

 

It's not his job to do anything about it -- that would be your job because you broke up with him. You don't get to break up with him and then sit back and watch him try to woo you back -- that's not how this works. If you want him, it's up to you to make the vast majority of the effort. You broke it, you fix it.

 

However, I think you need to be 100 percent sure that this is what you want before doing anything. Don't half-ass it out of loneliness because you're just going to be back in the same situation you were before. Personally, I think the two of you need to stop talking to each other for a while, decompress, and figure out exactly what you want. If you decide that it's him, then it's up to YOU to make the move.

[mightycpa]

It's not his job to do anything about it -- that would be your job because you broke up with him. You don't get to break up with him and then sit back and watch him try to woo you back -- that's not how this works.

Unfortunately, all too often, that's exactly how it works.... or usually, doesn't work.

[Simon Phoenix]

Unfortunately, all too often, that's exactly how it works.... or usually, doesn't work.

 

Yep, there are definitely people who think they are entitled to having a person they dumped do tricks for them to try to get them back. But if she truly cares about him, she shouldn't be that person.