How can women move on so quick??

[eric85]

Hi all

I haven't been here in years. This site helped me through a very rough time 2 years ago and I'm back,literally going through the exact same heartache because of the same person(stupid me) again. I had been with this person for almost 6yrs. We were engaged and have children together. A few yrs ago we were having problems,she moved out and in a matter of weeks was in another relationship. After a few months she came back to me with the whole "I love you so much and will never let you go again etc etc" speech. I love her,she means the world to me, so I took her back. Things were never the same after that and my trust was never restored. It caused issues these past few yrs and we began arguing a lot. For the sake of not wanting to argue in front of our children, I decided that we should live apart. She moved out and things were going well. We were still acting like a couple, and decided we were going to give each other space for a few months to see if it helped. She started becoming distant which let me know I was about to relive the same nightmare I went through a few yrs back. I knew a man had entered her life. How can women be so quick to do this? How can you be with someone for that long,have a family you built together and forget about all that and be content with another partner so soon? It hurts. I feel like it was all for nothing. I love her so much and don't know how I'm going to go through this pain again. Any and all advice is welcomed.

[PaperCrane]

Women and men love differently.

 

Don't try and understand, because you won't find any answers.

 

Focus on yourself.

[eric85]

I am trying to focus on myself and just move on but she is all I think about. I can't focus at work,and when I get home to my empty,lonely house I just break down. I am so mad at myself for giving her another chance to do the same thing to me. I still love her and the thought of her with someone else is killing me. I just don't know how I'm going to go through this again. I don't think I can.

[Deleted User]

I am trying to focus on myself and just move on but she is all I think about. I can't focus at work,and when I get home to my empty,lonely house I just break down. I am so mad at myself for giving her another chance to do the same thing to me. I still love her and the thought of her with someone else is killing me. I just don't know how I'm going to go through this again. I don't think I can.

 

I read somewhere on the net that, usually, taking someone back is pretty much the same as handing a 2nd round to a shooter who missed you the first time. It's time for you to go NC (or very LC since you have children) and heal man!

 

We're all right there with ya!

 

Cheers!

[carhill]

Women aren't a hive mind but sure, some can move on quickly. In life, I've found the ones who 'can't be alone' do and can because, well, sex is a powerful attractant.

 

For a taste of how it works, try thinking less and feeling more. Change your mind rapidly and without analysis, but rather act on emotion. Let it all flow together without concern for any perfect storm of a rational and logical outcome. Go with it. Try it and see. Good luck and my sympathies for your loss!

[eric85]

I have went nc except for the days I get my children and then obviously it's not an option but from here on out I am going to keep it strictly about the kids and try to move on. It just sucks because I really did think she was the one I was going to spend my life with. I've had other serious relationships and dates many different women and never had that comfortable connection like I had with her. She was my entire world. I just don't see how she isn't thinking of me instead of quickly dating someone else,that's what hurts the most. Makes me feel like I was nothing. Maybe I was? Maybe I was just used for all these years. She said the other day that it's not that she doesn't love me because she always has and always will it's that I can't give her what she wants and that we don't make each other happy. That was when I put the phone away and went nc.

[bluefeather]

That's kind of a sexist thing to say. It isn't just women who can move on quickly.

[BlueIris]

That's kind of a sexist thing to say. It isn't just women who can move on quickly.

 

Yeah, some do and some don't. I've known men and women who move on quickly. It's more of a personality and circumstance issue than a gender issue.

[carhill]

Well, the thread starter was engaged to a woman and has children with a woman so, sure, he's going to focus on her sex, female, when attempting to make sense of a seemingly irrational change in his life circumstance. If he were a woman and the man left, the man, his sex, male, would be the focus of the thread. Deal with it.

[BlueIris]

Well, the thread starter was engaged to a woman and has children with a woman so, sure, he's going to focus on her sex, female, when attempting to make sense of a seemingly irrational change in his life circumstance. If he were a woman and the man left, the man, his sex, male, would be the focus of the thread. Deal with it.

 

Not necessarily. I agree that people often focus on the differences that they consider the most important in order to try to understand. But it isn't always gender. Others that come to mind are age, culture, background, relationship history, kids, etc. And while it may be comforting to attribute behavior to traits like that, often it's only a refuge or avoidance of the other person's individual personality or circumstances and it doesn't provide real comfort or insight.

[Nickr3023]

Someone else posted this link in another thread and it sounds like it could help you. When I read it after what I'm going through I physically gasped at the things that were said in it. Things that I said or she said word for word what was in this article. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things and helped to make things make sense. I hope it helps you the way it helped me.

 

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

[eric85]

That's kind of a sexist thing to say. It isn't just women who can move on quickly.

 

I wasn't making the post to be sexist, you can't be serious?

[AspenBaldwin]

taking someone back is pretty much the same as handing a 2nd round to a shooter who missed you the first time.

 

 

Good analogy.

[Nickr3023]

I don't believe he was necessarily trying to be sexist with his remark. I think part of the reason why it seems like women move on so much easier is because they can if they really want to. Any relatively attractive female can find a man if they so choose. It's much harder for men to do that. I know I've struggled in my life to find a suitable replacement that would give me the time of day after a breakup. Now there could be many reasons for this, partly my own fault. But because most men will jump at the idea of a woman coming on to them, it does seem that they can jump into another relationship much quicker than men.

[mightycpa]

Hi all

I haven't been here in years. This site helped me through a very rough time 2 years ago and I'm back,literally going through the exact same heartache because of the same person(stupid me) again. I had been with this person for almost 6yrs. We were engaged and have children together. A few yrs ago we were having problems,she moved out and in a matter of weeks was in another relationship. After a few months she came back to me with the whole "I love you so much and will never let you go again etc etc" speech. I love her,she means the world to me, so I took her back. Things were never the same after that and my trust was never restored. It caused issues these past few yrs and we began arguing a lot.

Predictable, but not really the problem. Here's where I think you went awry:

 

For the sake of not wanting to argue in front of our children, I decided that we should live apart.

I hate to break it to you, but children need to learn how to handle conflict, or else what happens is that they become weak and incapable. You did both your relationship and your kids a disservice by electing to live apart rather than get your **** together. She physically left your family home, and so leaving it mentally should not have been much of a surprise. The mere fact that she agreed to do it should have been a red flag.

She moved out and things were going well.

By definition, that is not going well.

We were still acting like a couple, and decided we were going to give each other space for a few months to see if it helped.

Acting. Exactly.

She started becoming distant which let me know I was about to relive the same nightmare I went through a few yrs back.

Moved out, take space, become distant, gee, what's next?

I knew a man had entered her life.

Of course.

How can women be so quick to do this? How can you be with someone for that long,have a family you built together and forget about all that and be content with another partner so soon?

Are you kidding? You practically threw her out. Marriage (or the functional equivalent) is ****ing hard. Everybody I know with a long marriage has gone through a period of adjustment where you essentially despise each other. It is the final shedding of the illusion. Eventually, you realize that this is more about attitude than anything else, because you are truly giving up all of your independence, and there's a part of you that doesn't want to do that. Once you get past that, you're home free. A lot of couples don't make it past that part until they marry the second time around. A lot of people never figure it out, because they quit, mistaking this period for lifelong unhappiness.

It hurts. I feel like it was all for nothing. I love her so much and don't know how I'm going to go through this pain again. Any and all advice is welcomed.

I have no idea what you do from this point. I suppose you invite her back into your home, with the express intention of working out your bull****, OR, you end it. If there weren't children involved, I'd say just end it. I have no idea how receptive she'll be; she doesn't seem particularly committed to you and the family, does she?

[arsenal78]

Women aren't a hive mind but sure, some can move on quickly. In life, I've found the ones who 'can't be alone' do and can because, well, sex is a powerful attractant.

 

For a taste of how it works, try thinking less and feeling more. Change your mind rapidly and without analysis, but rather act on emotion. Let it all flow together without concern for any perfect storm of a rational and logical outcome. Go with it. Try it and see. Good luck and my sympathies for your loss!

 

Very well put. Our minds have such power that they tend to be more of an enemy than an ally especially in situations like this. Take the time to feel but do your best to be logical. Logic says that this woman is not the one for you and you deserve better. Most women who move on quickly have deep seeded insecurities where they need not only attention but assurance of their own self worth which reeks of low self esteem.

[Friskyone4u]

Eric85

 

Don't try to figure it out. It is boiological. Since cave man times, men chase women. When businesses want to increase business, what do they do??? LADIES NIGHT !!! Guess why. The women come and the guys follow.

 

It's easier for wmen to cheat, find new partners, and move on romantically if they want to simply because of the above.

 

Even in non monogamous frelationships, they are controlled by the women. Much easier for them to find other boyfriends .

 

Try not to dwell on something that cannot be controlled.

[eric85]

Predictable, but not really the problem. Here's where I think you went awry:I hate to break it to you, but children need to learn how to handle conflict, or else what happens is that they become weak and incapable. You did both your relationship and your kids a disservice by electing to live apart rather than get your **** together. She physically left your family home, and so leaving it mentally should not have been much of a surprise. The mere fact that she agreed to do it should have been a red flag.

By definition, that is not going well.Acting. Exactly.Moved out, take space, become distant, gee, what's next?Of course.

Are you kidding? You practically threw her out. Marriage (or the functional equivalent) is ****ing hard. Everybody I know with a long marriage has gone through a period of adjustment where you essentially despise each other. It is the final shedding of the illusion. Eventually, you realize that this is more about attitude than anything else, because you are truly giving up all of your independence, and there's a part of you that doesn't want to do that. Once you get past that, you're home free. A lot of couples don't make it past that part until they marry the second time around. A lot of people never figure it out, because they quit, mistaking this period for lifelong unhappiness. I have no idea what you do from this point. I suppose you invite her back into your home, with the express intention of working out your bull****, OR, you end it. If there weren't children involved, I'd say just end it. I have no idea how receptive she'll be; she doesn't seem particularly committed to you and the family, does she?

 

 

No she doesn't seem committed at all. She talks a good game but when it comes down to it she runs every time. Me throwing her out was more or less just a strategy to see where she really stood at. When she came back into my life, she talked a big game about how we were going to stick together and work through everything no matter how hard because she couldn't stand the thought of losing me. I let her know a few weeks ago where I stood and asked for her to come back and she made it clear that we were over and she wasn't coming back so I stopped talking to her at that point.

[bluefeather]

I wasn't making the post to be sexist

 

Then congrats on doing it without trying? Yes I'm serious, but it's ok, I'm outta this one.

[mightycpa]

It's probably fairer to say that he's never experienced the same from a man, so it's hard for him to cast the aspersion against men.

 

That's a job that is definitely better suited to women.

[eric85]

Someone else posted this link in another thread and it sounds like it could help you. When I read it after what I'm going through I physically gasped at the things that were said in it. Things that I said or she said word for word what was in this article. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things and helped to make things make sense. I hope it helps you the way it helped me.

 

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

 

 

WOW!!! That seemed like it was written just for me. Thanks for sharing that article.

[LostOnes05]

So the man comes on here asking for advice about his situation WITH A WOMAN THAT LEFT HIM but y'all jump down his throat for saying, "How can women move on so fast?" and calling him sexist...go figure. Let's not help the guy but rather call him names about something that isn't an issue. He made a generalized statement about his situation from a MAN's perspective, as I'm assuming he hasn't dated men given his post. If he has dealt with this in the past or had friends experience this, then surely it is understandable. Let's get past all the qualifiers and actually give advice.

 

I've had women that I know and didn't know tell me they love how I dress or that I look really nice. Should I take those as sexist remarks as a man? Also, I don't see the inference of male superiority in his comment. Was it generalized...sure. Sexist...no.

 

My advice: Take care of your child and leave the ex in the wind. If she does try to come back again, tell her your only concern is for the safety and wellbeing of your child. She's had enough chances.

[eric85]

So the man comes on here asking for advice about his situation WITH A WOMAN THAT LEFT HIM but y'all jump down his throat for saying, "How can women move on so fast?" and calling him sexist...go figure. Let's not help the guy but rather call him names about something that isn't an issue. He made a generalized statement about his situation from a MAN's perspective, as I'm assuming he hasn't dated men given his post. If he has dealt with this in the past or had friends experience this, then surely it is understandable. Let's get past all the qualifiers and actually give advice.

 

I've had women that I know and didn't know tell me they love how I dress or that I look really nice. Should I take those as sexist remarks as a man? Also, I don't see the inference of male superiority in his comment. Was it generalized...sure. Sexist...no.

 

My advice: Take care of your child and leave the ex in the wind. If she does try to come back again, tell her your only concern is for the safety and wellbeing of your child. She's had enough chances.

 

 

Thanks, I really appreciate that. I was looking for advice on how to move on with my life rather than being accused of being sexist.

 

I agree that she has had enough chances, I just can't see myself being strong enough to not take her back. Maybe in time I will build that strength but she is my world. I can't believe this is really happening again. She had a very rough childhood so I try to make excuses for her actions but I still don't understand how she can call me her "dream man" and rant and rave how much she loves me and literally move on with her entire life in a matter of weeks as if we didn't just spend 6 yrs together and build our own family.

 

I'm so lost on how to move on with this? I am reliving a nightmare. She has already put me through this and it was the worst few months of my entire life and here I am going through it again. I don't know if I can handle this again.

[K2z]

Women leave differently, I think. They "move on" while they are still in the relationship, and thus only seem to move on in terms of appearance once they have formally severed contact.

 

As some have pointed out to me in my BU, "she left long before she was out the door."

 

Which I would not write off completely as sneakiness. I think women are thinking "one last chance... I'll give him one last chance..." even though the man will be utterly oblivious to the unsaid test he is facing. If he knew, he'd step up. But to let him know, it seems in women's minds, ruins the test.

Edited December 2, 2015 by K2z

[lana-banana]

Women leave differently, I think. They "move on" while they are still in the relationship

 

I think this is true for everyone, male or female. When you first seriously consider breaking up with your partner, you weigh the pros and cons, wonder about if it's a good idea, start envisioning the future without them, make up your mind, then pull the trigger. Your partner may be utterly blindsided but you've already gone through the entire detaching process.

 

I think women are thinking "one last chance... I'll give him one last chance..." even though the man will be utterly oblivious to the unsaid test he is facing. If he knew, he'd step up. But to let him know, it seems in women's minds, ruins the test.

 

I really disagree with this; I've certainly never done it. When you have a problem, you bring it up. If the person makes no effort to address the problem, why keep trying? There is no obligation to tell the other person "If you don't (X) I will break up with you." I believe if you reach the level where ultimatums are necessary, you've already lost. I wouldn't stay with a partner I felt a need to persuade or change.