ennui Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 My ex broke up with me near to a year ago. I cheated on him, realized I genuinely loved this guy and tried to change. But his heart got torn by me and he decided that he had enough. We broke up in Jan this year. He kept strictly NC with me for the first few months while I was trying to cope with the BU. Then we started talking again and somewhere in May we started sleeping together again. After about a month, we ended because bottom line, he was using me for sex, while knowing perfectly well that I was still in love with him. Somewhere in Oct, he said that he might... just might consider the prospect of getting back with me, but he still wants to see what's out there. I was his first girlfriend and he feels like he needs to seriously date other people before knowing what we have, is genuinely special. We started hanging out (no sex), and then he felt pressurized cause I was insecure all the time and I put alot of things on hold (seeing other guys, applying for schools aboard). Now, he started to cut off all contact with me. Not replying to my messages at all. I do have a hinged that he might have a prospective girlfriend that he got to know from online dating. But I don't pride myself at being good at sixth sense. The thing is... I strongly feel that we're meant for each other, even after 1 year.Even after having him breaking my heart and my soul into pieces three times. I kept thinking that if I feel so strongly about it, if I put in my effort to persist, to hang on to my hopes of him realizing that there is indeed something special between us, that he will finally sees what I see of us, and he will be back. I keep thinking that having this strong feeling even after a year has to mean something.I've been dumped before, but I've never felt this way. I usually move on to the next guy within 1-2 months. But... I'm kidding myself right? I'm probably either really naive or really stubborn. Or are the some people out there like me who has seen or believe that such strong faith has to mean something?
d0nnivain Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 If it's meant to be, it will happen. But you can't sit around waiting for that. You need to date other people & get those applications for school in. Go off. Live your life. When you come back home, look him up. You probably won't want to but you need the distance. Every time you see him or talk to him, you are back at square one. Although the breakup happened 11 months ago, it didn't really because you saw him through October.
kgcolonel Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 ennui, I can see that you are hurting.....I am very sorry you're going through this. You're explaining a lot about how you're feeling regarding the getting back together and the hurt etc. How is he feeling regarding the cheating? What have you two discussed, and done to make him feel safe in the relationship. What were you missing that made you vulnerable to the A? These are keys to reconciliation and to mending a broken relationship. Generally speaking men do not mend as well as women from the studies that i have seen....I don't want to sound sexist or diminish this but many reports out there reflect this same perspective.
Vilgefoz Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 My ex broke up with me near to a year ago.... I assume you are rather young, like 18-20, right? I am curious... why do people cheat on somebody they love? I mean, I could perfectly understand if you cheat on somebody you see no deeper bond with and you are OK breaking up for whatever reason, but since your feelings are so strong? Is it vanity? Or lack of experience with such situation? I am really interested in genuine answer, please.
Vilgefoz Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 and as a reaction to your situation: From the point I see you broke his feelings, so he cares no more for yours. He knows you are in love yet he uses you for sex... probably he does not care doing right thing anymore. "Being meant to be together" is only a result of your irrational feelings, I am affraid. That is not how dating works. Dating work when both people see it the same way. Otherwise it's platonic and probably harmful for both sides.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 OP, I'm not sure you totally understand the damage cheating does. I had an ex who cheated and I never looked at him the same way again. It also seriously compromised my ability to trust in subsequent relationships. What lead you to decide to cheat? He is likely a lot more hurt and angry than you realize. I would take a lot of space and work on doing your own thing for a while. You both need it, I think. 4
stillafool Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 TBH I would just move on if I were you. Men hardly ever get over cheating (even the ones who are married with kids and want to stay together) and they certainly never look at you the same again. This is why your ex was using you for sex because he no longer has respect for you. You want to be with a man who views you as special and your ex probably never will again. It's been a year and he still can't get over it. He says he wants to date other girls but when he finds a special one he will no longer deal with you. Don't have sex with him as a way to get him back because it won't work. He will just take and not give. You will be okay just learn from your past. 1
allofme Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 TBH I would just move on if I were you. Men hardly ever get over cheating (even the ones who are married with kids and want to stay together) and they certainly never look at you the same again. This is why your ex was using you for sex because he no longer has respect for you. You want to be with a man who views you as special and your ex probably never will again. It's been a year and he still can't get over it. He says he wants to date other girls but when he finds a special one he will no longer deal with you. Don't have sex with him as a way to get him back because it won't work. He will just take and not give. You will be okay just learn from your past. I see what you meant there but I actually found it somewhat offensive. To me it implies that women have less self respect. I know a few men who go back to their cheating gf/wife. Depends who they are and who their partners are. I doubt that anyone will blatantly stay with people who cheat just because it's their nature to cheat.
allofme Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 OP, I'm not sure you totally understand the damage cheating does. I had an ex who cheated and I never looked at him the same way again. It also seriously compromised my ability to trust in subsequent relationships. What lead you to decide to cheat? He is likely a lot more hurt and angry than you realize. I would take a lot of space and work on doing your own thing for a while. You both need it, I think. I agree with ExpatInItaly. I never had an ex cheated on me but I would never think of them the same way if they did. I acutally think OP's ex is kind of an ass. OP made a terrible mistake but that doesnt mean she deserved to be strung along and fooled around. I would never respect someone who treated me like this. If I were OP, I would tell the ex that I would go NC until he was 100% sure he wanted to try again. Before that, I would not tolerate any mistreatment. I would not tolerate the status of FWB either. Go NC, if he wanted you bad enough, he would know where to find you.
lana-banana Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 It means nothing except you're not over him yet. I had that same sense of certainty and "meant to be" about a guy for nearly eighteen months. The reality? He never even thought of me. My feelings were just a form of self-preservation that kept me from moving on.
Author ennui Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 Hi guys, thanks for all your reply. It actually helps a lot when I read comments from people whom have been betrayed by their partners before. Telling me the cold hard truth that it's impossible to get over it and that I should just move on. A lot of you asked why I cheated. I'm not trying to give an excuse. Because I know clearly that there is never a a good enough reason to cheat, so no matter what I say, it would sound like an excuse. But since some of you asked. I cheated on with a guy that I met before him. We had feelings but we were going to be geographically very far apart, so we kept as FWB and then friends when we separated. We had the chance to meet when I was traveling and that's where it happened. And my ex found it out. I was immature too. Doing things without thinking of consequences. Like I said, I really appreciate all comments that u guys gave. It really helped me alot. Be it as a wake up call or to give me more insights. But I really don't need comments like that's not a good reason or that's an excuse. Because I know. I actually wrote him a letter last Sunday, telling him that I know that he knows I've changed, and I've been trying my best, doing everything I could. The only last remaining thing for me to do is to take a knife and force him to be with me, and I'm not crazy like that. So I'll leave the decision to him, if he ever wants to ask me out, even while he's still doing his online dating,to try and see if what we have is really special. He took the decision to stop replying me and when I tried texting him on Monday and Tuesday (not alot, just once each day) he didn't reply. And all logical people would know what that means. I'm working on NC now. As much as it's my fault for ruining a perfectly good relationship. I can't allow myself to go through a "fourth cycle" with him. Forcing myself onto him to have him dumped me again for the fourth time, probably with a text like "hey, I have a girlfriend now, so I can't contact u anymore. Bye" would be the lowest thing I can to myself. I'm just hoping that I have the strength to go through a permanent NC.
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