Mikeyfreedom Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 Just a quick one, I posted a few weeks ago about my break up. We were NC for a nearly a month, but have had to talk again due to House stuff and other details between us. Anyway, we are getting on and communicating again finally in a real way. She says she just doesn't know about her feelings. And I haven't asked any questions and am leaving it at that. We are getting on fine in our chats, but she will keep flipping out at very minor things, I am mentioning nothing and trying to keep the tone positive and happy. I have gone through some pretty major changes since we have been apart, lost a lot of weight, given up drinking and some pretty major things that have affected us. But instead of that being a positive, it seems its turned her to, Well it makes me sad that I had to leave you for you to come to your senses. I really don't know how to change the negativity into some positives you know. I am just setting about myself and will continue to do so because my life is going on whatever.
Nickr3023 Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 All you can do is keep your talks "professional". Talk to her like you would have a business conversation with someone. If she starts talking about anything emotional, change the subject back to whatever task you have at hand and then end the conversation. Take the high road at all times though, if she starts getting upset, keep your cool, get what you have to get done, and move on. 1
mightycpa Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 As I recall, she's made the decision, but you're unwilling to accept it. She's also left all her stuff with you. Tell her that you've been thinking about what she says and how she acts, and that you think she's resentful, and until she can forgive you for your past behavior, that you don't see a path towards reconciliation that is going to last. Tell her that you're close to deciding that if you can't have what you want, then you're going to learn how to want something else. Tell her that it would mean a lot to you if she'd take some time to think about everything and to try to forgive you so that you can start over. Tell her if she can't, or if she doesn't want to, or if she's already decided, that you understand why but you need to hear it again, clearly, one last time. Either way, my advice would be for her to get her stuff out of there now. Even if she's willing to take a second stab at things, you guys need to move slowly rather than jump right back in to where you were before. You've got to break some old behaviors together, and create new ones. There's a lot of work to do to get yourselves on track and rebuild from the ground up. Whatever changes you think you've made are just the tip of the iceberg. 1
Captivating Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 But instead of that being a positive, it seems its turned her to, Well it makes me sad that I had to leave you for you to come to your senses. I really don't know how to change the negativity into some positives you know. Maybe mention to her that it is interesting how she choose to think in a particular way instead of trying to see things from different perspectives. Bring up the example you shared about the changes you made. Tell her that the ending of the relationship put things into prospective for you. It was a wake-up call and being inspired by it to better yourself. I bet in a hope that you guys can reconcile and these obstacles you endured won't be in the way again.
Author Mikeyfreedom Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 Firstly thank you for all your comments. Very useful as ever. Firstly I do fully accept we have broken up, something I hadn't some weeks ago as I did think that a bit of sweet talk and she would come back to the house and all would be good. That is NOT going to happen. I know that. Its funny how, when we did talk about the house, I was set then again to go NC(apart from very minor messages) we haven't really spoke properly in about 4 weeks. I have Another week and a half to go away before I return from work(overseas). It was all very nice chat on messenger, and I ended it with "Well have a great trip for your birthday, I respect you very much and your need for Space, so I will talk to you at some point when I get home".... I have heard from her non-stop since then. I have noticed if there is anything breakup related she goes off the deep end completely. So I have maintained my cool, and when it does go down that direction, I steer it away and keep things calm. Anyway I mentioned some weeks ago, that it would be nice to see her. She then said yesterday, she has all day on the 20th Dec free(she works a lot, runs her own business), so I have booked a surprise outing for her(nothing romantic or anything, but something I KNOW she will love), and then she said she would come back to the house, to help me put Xmas decorations up. She has said she misses me a lot, but if she misses me in another sense she just doesn't know. She has also said she is lost and needs to find herself again. Its funny how this has played out in a way, as I assumed(as you do), that she was breezing through this, as that was the impression she gave me. And I felt I was the one in bits and hurt and all over the place. Because I have had space away and really worked on myself, physically and mentally, I feel a lot lot better for it. But now we have actually been talking, I have realized how much this has hit her. She told me going to the house to get some bits really upset her. And she has never cried so much. So bit by bit I have been finding these things out. I was sure at one point someone else was involved as she "seemed" so ok about everything. I now know 100% that is not the reason. SO the upshot is, as one of you mentioned below, I need to be real cool and non emotional in my dealings at all time, that I know for sure. And I know I can do that now, or at least maintain a poker face when needed. I think that my changes need to be changed into a positive and been seen as such. I think spending the day together is going to be a key moment, I need her to feel good and happy about it. Not on the other emotional slant of sadness. I need to keep things upbeat and fun. And no deep talking. The thing I am going to say, at some point, is that our past relationship is over and now in the past nothing can repair that or change it. As I have changed and you have, but going from here whatever shape it takes, is a new personal relationship with each other starting from now. The past needs to be let go now, and we can only look forward. 1
Author Mikeyfreedom Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 Either way, my advice would be for her to get her stuff out of there now. Even if she's willing to take a second stab at things, you guys need to move slowly rather than jump right back in to where you were before. You've got to break some old behaviors together, and create new ones. There's a lot of work to do to get yourselves on track and rebuild from the ground up. Whatever changes you think you've made are just the tip of the iceberg. That is a key way of looking at it and really making sure the past stays in the past and we can MOVE ON. And yes you are right about the changes. I have told her things about now I am going to change day to day at home, but they are just words on a screen, when I think she SEES the changes she will take it seriously. I just need to make her feel positive about that and rid the negative feeling for her. That will take time and patience, but I do think that can happen.
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