Author nellbell86 Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 Ive read the Ops history...she does suffer with depression etc. Which explains why she doesn't get it. It really is quite serious and saying go nc wont work. She isnt going to listen in fact if you look at this thread....it wasn't a genuine effort to go NC it was to indulge talking about him again. Going to his hairdresser as she cbf (can't be f c u k ed?) to go further then a story about seeing him and ignoring him and wondering what he's thinking. She's not even trying nc. I can tell from her language that she's in Australia. Beyond Blue for depression...there must be some psychotherapy available. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/ Nah i really just couldn't be bothered going any further, I'd been home all day and was contemplating not even going because it was where he goes and I didn't want him brought up. It is also the place I used to go years ago, before I found my new hairdresser. But anyway... Yes I have suffered depression due to this and am on medication for it which has helped a great deal! I'm actually great friends with many of his workmates, some I have known for 13+ years from when I used to work at the same pub many years ago. Most of the mutual friends we have are very supportive of me and think I was the best for him, they were all quite shocked and upset by our split. No doubt yes his 3 stoner friends probably have a laugh or whatever but I really don't care what they think, they're high all the time anyway! I think NC will work for me to get past this and move on completely, I've kept myself stuck in this for too long, and it's doing me no good, I miss the old, confident; independent woman I used to be, I need to get her back again. Anyway Day 1 almost done and dusted, at my girlfriends house helping her clean out her closet before we go out later. Also went to the shops and treated myself to some new summer clothes since I've lost so much weight my old summer stuff no longer fits! Gonna wear one of my pretty new tops tonight Yes I am in Australia, love it here!
Amelie1980 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I don't think anyone would have been shocked and upset by a 29 yo & 21 yo splitting up after a few months.
Amelie1980 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Here's what is likely going to happen if you keep this up: You're going to finally burn through the last of his good will toward you. He's going to take off the gloves and be straight up with you, clear as day to stop contacting him. Trust me. I made this mistake with my first ex many years ago. He's being patient with you now, but I promise you that there's a finite amount of badgering he's willing to tolerate from you. After that, all bets are off. You can only lose by contacting him at this point. This is true. Ive never been told by an ex to go away as I've never really contacted them that much after break ups. Contact with them makes me feel worse. How will you feel when you're told in no uncertain terms to go away?
Amelie1980 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) I thought of another vote for no contact, my exes dont know where the hell I am or what I am doing or who I am seeing. As far as they know I could have met someone miles better than them and be happy. I haven't and Im not but they dont know that......! As long as you are running around after your ex trying to get them back, they know your entire life is on hold for them and that is deeply unattractive and they will never regret leaving you. Even though I'm not over my ex I would rather they think I was. Edited December 3, 2015 by Amelie1980
Author nellbell86 Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 That is very true Amelie, better them not knowing what you're up to either and thinking you're ok with life going on without them than pining after them. I've seen written in alot of forums about breaking up etc "fake it til you make it!" Now I need to start applying that! Yeah actually it was a big shock to most people who knew us as a couple, we were a really good fit while it lasted, alot of his close friends/workmates were very happy he'd finally found a 'good girl' and thought I was great for him. At first the age bothered me, I didn't even want to date him! But after hanging out for a while I fell hard, and the age never bothered us. As for how I'm going, day 2 NC, had a lovely time out last night with my friends, we went to a quiet wine bar along the beach instead, it was awesome. Going to my mates for pizza and drinks tonight, and out on the boat tomorrow. Really looking forward to it and glad I have fully booked days to get me through the first few days of NC. This weekend is a complete drinking write-off hahaha so I may not survive til Monday! Haha but at least I'll go out wuth a bang!
Author nellbell86 Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Well I had a little bit of a downer this morning, got home from my friends place, had a long hot shower, but then was sitting here, alone and just thinking of him. Then a mutual friend messaged me on fb, asking how I was going, and the floodgates opened! I poured it all out on this poor bloke haha how much I miss M, how much I love him, that I just want 'us' again. He was lovely and supportive and said things like "He doesn't deserve you, anyone can see you're so much better than this" etc. Then he said something that sent my mind racing - "Trust me, M wants you, he's just not ready yet. Give it time, you'll be back together". Augh. Makes me hopeful when I really just want to get past this. I don't want to hope anymore. I want to be happy in my life and myself and moved on from this so IF it ever does happen, it's a lovely surprise, not something I'm hoping and holding out for. Ah well, gonna get dressed and off to the shops then pizza night at my best guy mates place tonight, he has been my rock through all this so I'm looking forward to hanging out with him.
Blanco Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Your friend is just trying to make you feel better. Your ex is 21. He won't be back unless he's looking to break a dry spell. 2
theredpill Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 The perfect quote for the OP is "you must participate in your own rescue" we've been through this, we know what to do You need to get back out there not rationalise, the poster above is correct his friend is just trying to make you feel better, your ex is with someone else, not banging down your door to get back together. Please do what you need to do, you will find someone if you start looking seriously, good luck!
Author nellbell86 Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 No I know for a fact my ex isn't 'with' someone else. Yes he's slept with someone else, 1 that I know of but I'm not stupid to think there isn't more, he is an extremely attractive young bartender, so I'm not gonna fool myself. But I've been on a few dates and slept with a couple of guys myself, so I'm not gonna get hung up on that. I may sound naive but I don't think this particular friend would just say that to me, he'd be honest if he didn't think there was anything there. I'm just taking it with a grain of salt and not gonna think about it too much. Day 2 almost done, buggered my knee today so in a bit of pain and feeling sorry for myself this arvo! Looking forward to a night in with my mates.
Chronotrgr Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I'm on day 2 of No Contact, I've had a hard time in the past with my ex after a break up maintaining No Contact, I didn't try too hard though last time, we rushed to get back together and live together again, the whole thing was a mistake and time and space was needed, that was 3 months a go, she kicked me out not long a go, but this time wanted to remain in the relationship and hang around my mother's house until she decided we could live together again, I ended the relationship because her reasoning for living apart was full of holes, based on irrational selfish wants and needs and the terms on seeing each other after I moved out where completely on her terms with no room for any kind of reasoning, I feel taken for granted and sadly I became a soft touch who just went along with whatever she said for the sake of being with her, whether she comes running now or whatever happens, I have to disspell this hold she has over me and develop a back bone because at times she treated me very badly and I stood there and allowed it all to happen, if she can't appreciate me and make a solid effort to apologise and change her irrational behaviour then she just isn't worth the time and hassle, I've told myself I plan to move along at own pace and not even give a thought to getting back together, if she wants me back this time she'll have to do the fighting on her own, I feel No Contact will heal me, sometimes that's all you can hope for.
Amelie1980 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 (edited) No I know for a fact my ex isn't 'with' someone else. Yes he's slept with someone else, 1 that I know of but I'm not stupid to think there isn't more, he is an extremely attractive young bartender, so I'm not gonna fool myself. But I've been on a few dates and slept with a couple of guys myself, so I'm not gonna get hung up on that. I may sound naive but I don't think this particular friend would just say that to me, he'd be honest if he didn't think there was anything there. I'm just taking it with a grain of salt and not gonna think about it too much. Day 2 almost done, buggered my knee today so in a bit of pain and feeling sorry for myself this arvo! Looking forward to a night in with my mates. You're not taking it lightly though. The long post you wrote about it and protesting your friend wouldnt just say that, is evidence enough you are making a mountain out of it. You are not doing nc. You opened this thread to indulge talking about him and discuss if you can get him back. You wondered what would go thru his head when you ignored him at the store with your new hair cut....has he contacted you since then? No so he doesn't give a bugger about you, how you looked or that you ignored him. He sounds like a waste of space. A 21 year old pot head who works in a bar? Is he going to be able to have an adult relationship or will you be paying all the bills in the unlikely event you ever date again? He isnt a catch even for a woman his own age. You've slept with other guys since then. Cant you just forget him.and.meet more guys. Edited December 4, 2015 by Amelie1980
AnyTakers Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Here's what is likely going to happen if you keep this up: You're going to finally burn through the last of his good will toward you. He's going to take off the gloves and be straight up with you, clear as day to stop contacting him. Trust me. I made this mistake with my first ex many years ago. He's being patient with you now, but I promise you that there's a finite amount of badgering he's willing to tolerate from you. After that, all bets are off. You can only lose by contacting him at this point. Well I stopped calling and he texted me earlier today saying that he wants to talk and that he would call me tonight. He called me tonight. We talked and long story short, we are giving it a shot, but we are taking things slow, which we both agree it will take some time for things to get back to exactly how they were before things broke apart the way they did a few days ago. 1
Blanco Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Well good, I guess. Hopefully there is some plan to make things not long distance at some point. Otherwise, it's kind of a waste. Source: Someone who was in a LDR for many years where neither person was ever seriously considering relocating. 1
Author nellbell86 Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 You're not taking it lightly though. The long post you wrote about it and protesting your friend wouldnt just say that, is evidence enough you are making a mountain out of it. You are not doing nc. You opened this thread to indulge talking about him and discuss if you can get him back. You wondered what would go thru his head when you ignored him at the store with your new hair cut....has he contacted you since then? No so he doesn't give a bugger about you, how you looked or that you ignored him. He sounds like a waste of space. A 21 year old pot head who works in a bar? Is he going to be able to have an adult relationship or will you be paying all the bills in the unlikely event you ever date again? He isnt a catch even for a woman his own age. You've slept with other guys since then. Cant you just forget him.and.meet more guys. Well of course I opened this thread to talk about him, me, how I'm feeling, share with others, the whole shibang, isn't that what this forum is all about? I prefer to get my words, feelings etc out than just mulling over them. Yeah, I'd be lying if I didn't say that at the moment, in my current state, I'd give anything to have him back. But I'm also realising more that the 'him' he was when we were together isn't around anymore, he's a different person, and I don't think things would work now with who he is. That's why I wanted to start NC, to finally give myself a chance to let go of the person he was and get a grip on reality and who he is, and who I am, now. Had an absolutely fantastic time out on the boat today! NC day 3 and doing pretty good. Thought of him a few times but didn't feel a need to contact him, was having too much fun getting drunk and dancing to country haha off to the pub now, yes the one he works at, friends from the boat cruise are heading there so I'm joining them. So who knows, might see him tonight if he's working, then it'll be back to Day 1. But oh well, I'll cross that bridge if I get to it!
Meli22 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Nellbell if I were you I'd completely avoid the pub he works at. There's no need for you to go there and you know there's the very likelihood that he will be working. It will set you back even if you don't think he will. You need to completely dissapear and that means no calls/messaging or any direct contact, no visiting places where you think he might be, tell your mutual friends to not mention how he's doing etc, no checking his social media. Only then will you start to gradually feel better. You need to get to the point where all hope is killed and you can see a future without him. That starts by killing the urge for contact. It's a tough road but it's easier than you think. I haven't been in contact with my ex since we broke up. The first few weeks felt impossible but I stuck with it. He followed me on social media around two months ago, then messaged to apologise because it was an accident but that's it. And I'm completely FINE with that. No urge or desire to talk to him whatsoever. Yes of course it sucks that one person who was a big part of your life is now no part at all, but Im at the point where it was completely for the best and I don't miss him. That's where you need to get. And you will, it just takes time and effort. 1
AnyTakers Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Well good, I guess. Hopefully there is some plan to make things not long distance at some point. Otherwise, it's kind of a waste. Source: Someone who was in a LDR for many years where neither person was ever seriously considering relocating. Definitely don't plan on it. I agree. It would be a waste if there is no plan to close the gap.
Amelie1980 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 (edited) Well of course I opened this thread to talk about him, me, how I'm feeling, share with others, the whole shibang, isn't that what this forum is all about? I prefer to get my words, feelings etc out than just mulling over them. Yeah, I'd be lying if I didn't say that at the moment, in my current state, I'd give anything to have him back. But I'm also realising more that the 'him' he was when we were together isn't around anymore, he's a different person, and I don't think things would work now with who he is. That's why I wanted to start NC, to finally give myself a chance to let go of the person he was and get a grip on reality and who he is, and who I am, now. Had an absolutely fantastic time out on the boat today! NC day 3 and doing pretty good. Thought of him a few times but didn't feel a need to contact him, was having too much fun getting drunk and dancing to country haha off to the pub now, yes the one he works at, friends from the boat cruise are heading there so I'm joining them. So who knows, might see him tonight if he's working, then it'll be back to Day 1. But oh well, I'll cross that bridge if I get to it! You have rather missed the point. NC is for you....it isnt for talking about him and what he is up to. Youve said a few things about yourself but it's mainly I went to his hairdresser, I walked passed him at the ATM ooh what is he thinking about my new hair cut, my friend said he'll come back, Im going to his pub tonight....hence deliberately putting yourself in a position where you will see him. This isnt a genuine attempt at nc. A genuine attempt would be "im not going anywhere he's going to be, Ive asked my friends not to talk about him." Going and discovering new things and new people and new places to go. I have no idea where my ex is or what he is doing and I dont want him knowing what's going on in my life. I want to improve my own life for me. That is NC. Until you are willing to cut him off, stop hanging around his pub, stop thinking about him as a priority and thinking he cares about your hair cut etc, Im not sure there is any point saying more to you. I wouldn't be surprised if you're hoping by ignoring him at the store and not contacting him for 2 days, he will have noticed and when you go to the pub you hope he'll come and talk and see what's up. Dont count on it. 2 days of NC wont repair 5 months of harrassing him and driving him mad. Everyone is telling you the same thing....and I dont think there is any point engaging you any more as you're not listening. Edited December 5, 2015 by Amelie1980
Blanco Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 OP, just because you're utilizing this fake it till you make it strategy doesn't mean that you should set yourself up for failure. And, yes, by going somewhere this guy is likely to be (because he WORKS there) is setting yourself for failure. Going NC means avoiding not just places he will be, but places he might be. You know damn well this guy is likely to be there, and I think that's partly why you want to go there. You mentioned you knew a lot of people there before you started dating this guy, but you're lying to yourself if you think that's why you still want to go there right now. If you were serious about NC, you would sacrifice this territory for the greater good: Your mental health. And while a bar is a place where people are free to come and go, how uncomfortable do you think your ex must feel when someone who's harassed him for months shows up while he's trying to WORK? I live within a few minutes of a grocery store. It's fast, it's convenient, but I only go there at very specific times. Why? Because I know that during certain times, there's a chance my ex will be there. Early in NC, I often found myself at this store during these times. I was, on the surface, there for valid reasons, but honestly, it was also because I knew I might run into the ex. Many months later, I now AVOID this store at those times because... I know I might run into the ex. The thought of this is no longer appealing, and frankly, makes me uncomfortable. I only got to this place because I finally implemented true NC, which is more than just not talking. It's doing everything you can to cut off any information about your ex and vice versa. You aren't doing that yet. I was in your shoes. But at this point, it's been many months for you since the breakup. It's time to quit doing pretend NC and actually do the real thing. 3
Amelie1980 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 (edited) OP, just because you're utilizing this fake it till you make it strategy doesn't mean that you should set yourself up for failure. And, yes, by going somewhere this guy is likely to be (because he WORKS there) is setting yourself for failure. Going NC means avoiding not just places he will be, but places he might be. You know damn well this guy is likely to be there, and I think that's partly why you want to go there. You mentioned you knew a lot of people there before you started dating this guy, but you're lying to yourself if you think that's why you still want to go there right now. If you were serious about NC, you would sacrifice this territory for the greater good: Your mental health. And while a bar is a place where people are free to come and go, how uncomfortable do you think your ex must feel when someone who's harassed him for months shows up while he's trying to WORK? I live within a few minutes of a grocery store. It's fast, it's convenient, but I only go there at very specific times. Why? Because I know that during certain times, there's a chance my ex will be there. Early in NC, I often found myself at this store during these times. I was, on the surface, there for valid reasons, but honestly, it was also because I knew I might run into the ex. Many months later, I now AVOID this store at those times because... I know I might run into the ex. The thought of this is no longer appealing, and frankly, makes me uncomfortable. I only got to this place because I finally implemented true NC, which is more than just not talking. It's doing everything you can to cut off any information about your ex and vice versa. You aren't doing that yet. I was in your shoes. But at this point, it's been many months for you since the breakup. It's time to quit doing pretend NC and actually do the real thing. I think in a way she thinks that one incidence of ignoring him at the store and 2 days of NC is enough to have piqued this guys curiosity. She probably thinks if she goes to his bar he will want to talk to her as he noticed the 2 days NC. This guy is 21 & you started dating a year ago so he was 20. He is a legal adult but a young one. If you reverse the genders for a second....if a 29 year old man was following a 20/21 year old woman around for months not talking no for an answer? ! If it was me I would have been very worried and at that age I was still in college and I would have told my parents, the management of the place I work and possibly spoken to the police. I may have got my dad to tell him to go away. OP your behavior isnt that of a sad ex gf trying to get over him. It is one of an unhinged, deranged stalker who wont let it go. It is worrying. You broke up months ago, you've nearly been out of the relationship as long as you were in it but you have only managed 2 days of fake NC and are planning to break it already. Everyone is saying the same and you wont listen. I think there is no point saying more. I think you need professional help. Alternatively maybe you need to go to your ex again. He has been good with you until now. But maybe you need to be told in no uncertain terms by him to f c u k off in order for you to forget this. Go to him at the bar and tell him you cannot live without him, you want him back and what does he say. But even if he said no yet again, I think you would still not listen. I dont think you will give up unless he really loses his temper and patience with you and I am very surprised he hasnt already. Edited December 5, 2015 by Amelie1980 typos 1
Author nellbell86 Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 Thanks for your input/concern/advice. Maybe I sound 'deranged' but I assure you I'm not. Yes this has been super hard to accept, first time I've been dumped when still so in love with the person, it's been very tough. But I do feel like I'm getting somewhere, albeit very slowly. I'm sure you won't agree, but I don't feel I should have to change my life, which would include avoiding the pub, where I've been going for years, where all my friends go, because of him. Yes I don't go there as often, but I don't want to cut it out completely. I enjoy it there and I feel like if I suddenly start not going at all, wouldn't that show him that this is getting to me more, that im avoiding that place because of him? Anyway we had some dinner and a couple of drinks then came home to watch a movie, I didn't see him there but had a good chat with a couple of the lovely girls that work there, about the boat ride, catching up for a drink soon, so that was nice, they're a lovely bunch of people and always make me feel like part of the family there even after all this. I also randomly got a message from one of his best friends yesterday, who I haven't spoken to in a while, saying he misses me and wants to catch up sometime. I got along with him, we called him Ranga, so well, I'd love to catch up with him, but don't know if it's a good idea now or not? Day 4, feeling alright although a bit tired and hungover from yesterday! Think a quiet day in with my cats watching a movie is in order today. Was meant to be going down to a different pub for a friends birthday this arvo but I don't think I can handle more alcohol haha
Amelie1980 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 You are not on day 4 of NC. You are on day zero as you have never started. On day one you texted him to remind him of your non anniversary. You refuse to go to another pub with your friends even for a few months to get him out of your system. Your friends (if they are friends) would agree to it for your sake. You haven't blocked your ex or his friends and now you're considering meeting his best mate. Why did you reply and why aren't his friends numbers deleted and blocked? I just give up. You aren't trying and you haven't started nc yet.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 I enjoy it there and I feel like if I suddenly start not going at all, wouldn't that show him that this is getting to me more, that im avoiding that place because of him? This type of mentality is why you continue to fail at this. Stop trying to put on a front for him and take care of yourself. Of course it's getting to you more -- that's why you have chased him for several months. Instead of trying to project an image, why not actually take your healing seriously. And this is an opportunity to discover new things. Stop going to your ex's place of business. That's just counterproductive and weird. You don't have to avoid it forever, but I'm sure it's not the only bar in your town. You can take a few months away from it to get your s--t together so you stop acting like a teenage girl who doesn't understand why the boy she thought she'd be together forever with finds her annoying. Your approach stinks and will continue to stink as long as you keep focusing on him instead of your recovery. 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 You called this a NC challenge. But what have you done that's challenging? Texted him about your non anniversary, went to his hairdresser, saw him at the store and deliberately walked so close to him you could smell his cologne, went to his place of work, talked to a friend about him and answered a text from his best mate with a view to meeting him. All this in only 4 days?! Here is your real NC challenge. 1. Tell your friends you dont want to discuss him anymore & that y'all need to find a new pub to go to for a while. 2. Block your ex and all of his friends numbers and emails and social media. 3. Do not talk to him or engage in conversation him or any of his friends. 4. Stay away from places he might be. That is a challenge. Let's see you rise to it.
marky00 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 (edited) Here's what is likely going to happen if you keep this up: You're going to finally burn through the last of his good will toward you. He's going to take off the gloves and be straight up with you, clear as day to stop contacting him. Trust me. I made this mistake with my first ex many years ago. He's being patient with you now, but I promise you that there's a finite amount of badgering he's willing to tolerate from you. After that, all bets are off. You can only lose by contacting him at this point. Awww I was thinking about breaking 2 months NC. 2 months back, 4 hour phone call and she even told me she had some second thoughts about the decision. Dammit Slap Slap Slap Cry Cry Cry Edited December 6, 2015 by marky00
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Thanks for your input/concern/advice. Maybe I sound 'deranged' but I assure you I'm not. Yes this has been super hard to accept, first time I've been dumped when still so in love with the person, it's been very tough. But I do feel like I'm getting somewhere, albeit very slowly. I'm sure you won't agree, but I don't feel I should have to change my life, which would include avoiding the pub, where I've been going for years, where all my friends go, because of him. Yes I don't go there as often, but I don't want to cut it out completely. I enjoy it there and I feel like if I suddenly start not going at all, wouldn't that show him that this is getting to me more, that im avoiding that place because of him? Anyway we had some dinner and a couple of drinks then came home to watch a movie, I didn't see him there but had a good chat with a couple of the lovely girls that work there, about the boat ride, catching up for a drink soon, so that was nice, they're a lovely bunch of people and always make me feel like part of the family there even after all this. I also randomly got a message from one of his best friends yesterday, who I haven't spoken to in a while, saying he misses me and wants to catch up sometime. I got along with him, we called him Ranga, so well, I'd love to catch up with him, but don't know if it's a good idea now or not? Day 4, feeling alright although a bit tired and hungover from yesterday! Think a quiet day in with my cats watching a movie is in order today. Was meant to be going down to a different pub for a friends birthday this arvo but I don't think I can handle more alcohol haha Could you do me a favour? PM me and we'll exchange personal details. Then I will come over, take charge of your phone, computer, letterbox, diary, planner, fb page and car, so that when you say you're going No Contact, I can damn well make sure that (1) you know precisely what that means, and (2) you actually stick to it for more than 45 minutes. I've read this thread. Boy, if I was really a friend of yours, I would take you in hand and help you get over this waste of brain-space in a week. as it is, the thread title should read "NC Challenge - I haven't tried it at all. What's it like?" Hopeless. 1
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