Commitment phobe or player?

[etherealbliss]

Hello, I'm new here and hope I can get some feedback on a crazy rollercoaster ride I went on with my ex.

We started talking in July. From the first few sentences exchanged I knew he was the type of guy I didn't want to be with. He came off as arrogant and self absorbed and a smooth talker. After a week he convinces me to give him my phone number and from that point for a few weeks he pursued me none stop. We lived 2000 miles apart and he came after me strong and finally convinced me to let him fly over to come meet me. Overall the weekend together went well but I continued to have doubts about whether I could have a future with this man. He was easy to talk to, funny and very confident in a sexy way and exactly how you'd picture a charming self absorbed smooth talker. He also told me he use to be a player in college and had dated and broken the hearts of many women but was now (at age 35) looking for a long term relationship leading to marriage.

After he left we continued to talk (and I chose to ignore the red flags for a bit longer) and a week later he said he wants to visit me again so he booked another plane ticket for the weekend after however the last few days before his visit he started acting a bit distant and on the day of the trip he told me his flight was canceled. I was disappointed but thought not a big deal we can reschedule, however he continued to be more and more cold and distant over the next week to the point where I decided enough is enough and I told him I'm breaking up with him and I wish he had the balls to tell me he's not interested. He just said it's not like that and he just needs time to think.

I stopped talking to him and moved on and even went on a couple of dates over the next few weeks. He sent a few messages which I ignored.

 

One day about a month after our breakup he called me on my cell and against my better judgement I picked up! He told me letting me go was the biggest mistake of his life and he never stopped liking me and he was just afraid of the distance. I told him I don't know what to believe and that I'm not interested in playing cat and mouse games. He told me he loves me for the first time then and that he is very sorry and he'll never do it again, etc. etc. Against my better judgment again I told him i'll give him another chance under the condition that he flies over this upcoming weekend and we can see how we feel about each other in person. I told him i'm afraid he'll do this again and he said no that part of me doesn't exist, i'm over my fear!

 

Well I'm guessing you can imagine the rest of the story. He flew over the same weekend and we had a good weekend. He even booked his next trip. Things were going very good for a month and he really made me feel special and cared for. He called me all the time. He told his family, friends and colleagues about me and he said he wants me to go spend new years eve with his family. This was a big deal because he had told me no girlfriend had ever met his family before. (Another red flag) He told me his son really likes me and can't stop talking about me. Basically he put me high up on a pedestal. He flew over three weeks later and this time although we had a great time he seemed a lot more anxious and on edge and at the end he confessed he had picked up smoking a couple of weeks ago(which I wasn't happy about as it's a deal breaker) because he's been feeling anxious. I asked him to please stop and I was upset about the whole thing as we had discussed how negatively I feel about the subject. He said he'll quit over the next few weeks.

 

After that trip and over the next week or so he became increasingly cold and distant and at times mean. The week of thanksgiving he travelled to be with his family and he never called me for the whole week and if I called him he acted annoyed or wouldn't pick up. I was getting extremely fraustrated as he had promissed to not do this again. But he said he is not doing the same thing again and he was annoyed why I kept questioning him even though he was clearly cold, unaffectionate and hard to pin down for 10 days now. After he got back home he called and said he's just been dealing with a lot of anxiety and didn't know how to deal with it. Although i'm very understanding of the subject of anxiety I felt like it was just an excuse. He pointed the finger at me and blamed me for his behaviour and how he had started treating me. He took no responsibility and was still very cold. But he said he still wanted me to go see him in his home town and stay with him for 4 days next weekend and he was looking forward to it. (talk about mixed signals) I told him I was finding it hard to trust him and he was just being too unpredictable and unconcerned with my feelings. He said he'll try to change and do better. Next day he was still distant so the thought came to my mind to check the dating site we had met on where he had deactivated his account. Sadly I found him back active there and saw that he's been online the last couple of days. That was the last straw. I confronted him and he said he hadn't logged on in few months when i showed him the date he said he went there because we were on and off but he hadn't talked to anyone. I told him he was a lier and cheater and to never contact me again. Later I felt bad and text him I won't hold grudges and be mad and maybe one day we could be friends and all the best. (YES SO STUPID OF ME) and in response he just said "I get charged for these texts".

 

Wow sorry that was so long but as much as i'm certain this guy is a commitment phobe I can't get over why he would make all the efforts to fly over and talk to his family etc. just to flake out on me again. I've been angry, confused, relieved and mad at myself. I know MUCH better than to let someone play me for 4 months. Anyone of you ever dealt with someone like that? Was everything he said a lie? And am I stupid for thinking maybe I was really special and give him a chance at commitment?

 

Thanks so much for reading! x

[TaraMaiden2]

You're going to hate my reply, but I stopped reading after this:

 

...hope I can get some feedback on a crazy rollercoaster ride I went on with my ex.

 

The thing is - it no longer matters.

He's your ex.

it's over.

Trying to second-guess, or investigate, define or explain past behaviour of someone that is now out of your life, is pointless, because actually, believe it or not, it doesn't really give you any answers, it just generates more questions...

 

Even if you were to ask him for insight, you'd get a different story two weeks running....

 

The 'crazy rollercoaster ride' is finished.

You're back at the base station, and it's time to get off, because the trip is over.

Sick, upside-down, rushed and stunned as it left you, it's time to move on, and forget about this one.....

[mightycpa]

I can't imagine what kind of commitment you expect to make with a person from 2000 miles away. How do you get to know each other? How do you learn to be together? What kind of relationship is that?

 

What are you actually writing about?

 

Whoever said "I'm scared of the distance" gets an A+ in Looking Ahead.

[etherealbliss]

You're going to hate my reply, but I stopped reading after this:

 

 

 

The thing is - it no longer matters.

He's your ex.

it's over.

Trying to second-guess, or investigate, define or explain past behaviour of someone that is now out of your life, is pointless, because actually, believe it or not, it doesn't really give you any answers, it just generates more questions...

 

Even if you were to ask him for insight, you'd get a different story two weeks running....

 

The 'crazy rollercoaster ride' is finished.

You're back at the base station, and it's time to get off, because the trip is over.

Sick, upside-down, rushed and stunned as it left you, it's time to move on, and forget about this one.....

 

You are absolutely right. And the lesson I take from all this is to trust my gut instinct as it's been totally on point from the beginning. I suppose what I really want to know is did I cause this? Did I make a mistake breaking up with him both times or that was a good judgment call? Would someone else in my position just give the guy some space and let him come back? I felt like I made the right choice but I feel like the answer to my questions and the feedback will help me with my next relationship. I know i'll be over this guy pretty soon. Thanks x

[etherealbliss]

I can't imagine what kind of commitment you expect to make with a person from 2000 miles away. How do you get to know each other? How do you learn to be together? What kind of relationship is that?

 

What are you actually writing about?

 

Whoever said "I'm scared of the distance" gets an A+ in Looking Ahead.

 

That was my concern also but he was relentless and promised we'll visit each other every couple of weeks and we'll be ok. It has worked for others in the past so I gave in.

[TaraMaiden2]

You are absolutely right. And the lesson I take from all this is to trust my gut instinct as it's been totally on point from the beginning. I suppose what I really want to know is did I cause this?

No. you didn't. In my opinion, the guy is emotionally stunted.

Why? Who knows? You dodged the proverbial bullet....

 

Did I make a mistake breaking up with him both times or that was a good judgment call?

Your mistake was relenting and going back on the break-up.

Listen to your gut. It screams with good reason.

 

Would someone else in my position just give the guy some space and let him come back?

Nope. At least, not a third time. You know what they say: "Fool me once, more fool you. Fool me twice, more fool me...."

 

I felt like I made the right choice but I feel like the answer to my questions and the feedback will help me with my next relationship. I know i'll be over this guy pretty soon. Thanks x

Heed the red flags.

Listen to your gut.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

If you say enough is enough, then stick to it.

Draw a line in the sand no waves of any strength can erase.

 

You're welcome.

[etherealbliss]

Well........ Things have gone down hill for me! I feel like i'm losing my mind and at this age with as much dating experience and knowledge that I have this should NOT be happening.

 

After his "I get charged for these texts" I did NC for few days and then he sent me a "Hope your week is going well" message I said thanks, yours too. Later he said I can add him back on facebook if I want, which I did.

But I still felt like maybe I didn't handle the whole situation well and I was still confused about what went wrong with us and so suddenly. I was going crazy going over and over everything in my head and questioning myself and lots of WHAT IFs.... so I text him and ask if he thinks it's a good idea to have a chat. He agreed and we talked a day later on the phone.

 

The conversation started very nice and he even said he misses me often and was very friendly however towards the end when we started talking about the break up it got slightly more heated and he acted cold and distant again.

After we hung up, high on memories and feel good hormones of talking to him I sent him a few friendly texts saying i'm glad we talked and we can put this behind us and if he's in town we should meet, etc.

His reply: "just.... relax..."

Then I said i'm relaxed and he should relax and not worry because i'm not trying to get back together, not now and not ever. I just wanted to be friendly.

He didn't reply...

Then I said ok maybe i shouldn't have sent you those friendly joking and playful texts as you are my ex and apologized.

He didn't reply...

I called him and he didn't pick up but sent me a text saying he is still at work.

So I text him back saying I miss him and care about him but I had to follow my head instead of my heart this time and the reason I wanted to talk to him again was because I felt confused.. and I feel my heart and my head are in conflict.. but I feel he is moving on so I'll give him space.

He didn't reply...

Now this is where it gets really bad. After he ignored these texts for 24 hours I got upset. I felt like I didn't say anything bad and I thought at least I deserved an "ok bye" reply of acknowledgement. He told me on the phone to text him sometime if I want. So I let my emotions take over me and I sent him another text saying very sarcastically.. I hope you enjoyed the ego boost I gave you with my texts and I hope that you aren't so arrogant as to ignore me like this, hope you have a nice life.

 

And that was the last thing I sent him couple of days ago and he of course still hasn't replied.. Here are a few questions because i'm going crazy and wondering why i'm so obsessed although i'm the one who initiated break. I've never felt like this after a break up before!!!

 

Why is he ignoring me? Why do I want him back even if I know we're not right for each other right now? Does he think i'm crazy for texting him conflicting messages so much? Did I blow any chance of having my dignity intact and not looking desperate? Is there a chance he'll talk to me again in the future? Why do I even want him to talk to me? Why am I soooooo obsessed with him when I know better? How do I salvage his perception of me? I don't want his last memory of us being me calling and texting like a crazy person even if I didn't beg for him to come back. I know he is someone who doesn't like and avoids conflict. More than getting back together I want him to see me again a as a desirable and sane person. Not sure why I care about this so much but would NC accomplish this?

 

I'm going to try and work on myself to be less impulsive and dramatic when in situations like this as to not let it escalated to this point again. I appreciate any and all feedback.

Edited December 13, 2015 by etherealbliss

[mtnbiker3000]

Do "commitment phobes" exist? Probably. But I'm willing to wager that most people labeled this, are (as the movie title goes) just not that into you And, they would / will have no problem "committing" when that special person enters their life. Unfortuantely, that's just not you. Don't try to make it more than it is, as it's really quite simple...

[Samhain]

Just think, if you'd have listened to your inner voice saying "this is the type of guy I would not want to be with" you'd have saved yourself this pain. Then you let him back a second time!?

 

Telling your family about somebody means nothing, I have a friend who tells his family about the majority of women he screws over and it's a running joke "who are you messing with now, that poor girl eyeroll".

 

You're dealing with the consequences of somebody you knew was wrong to start with. He got laid a lot with you whenever he came over and in the meantime lived his life 2000 miles away and stayed distant. It isn't much more complicated than this: he used you for what he could get out of you which was nothing permanent to him.

 

Blaming him for it won't help since you knew from the start, ignored all the flags and continued on even after he proved you right once. Harsh reality but you only have yourself to blame. Don't keep chasing him, let it go and move on.

[StBreton]

Sorry you're feeling down and a bit crazed about this whole ordeal.

 

As Samhain intimated, your Amber alert went off and you didn't listen to it! Yes...you should have listened to this guy when he said what he did about the distance factor. All the alarms were going off and you still didn't listen!! Do you like to court danger?

 

Most people who do the love bombing and pedestal routine are either on the Narcissistic personality disorder spectrum (your guy has a lot of the behaviors) or possibly borderline personality disorder (BPD) ... there's a poster on this forum named Downtown who has a lot of information ... search for him or BPD and see if your guy fits...only so you don't repeat this situation and run the other direction when you encounter someone on either of these spectra.

 

You are complicit in perpetuating this drama, however, so please just try to work through this and go completely no contact with this guy...he's a loose cannon in my book.

 

Go get yourself a massage and treat yourself well the next few weeks....slowly let this all go.

Edited December 13, 2015 by StBreton

[etherealbliss]

Just think, if you'd have listened to your inner voice saying "this is the type of guy I would not want to be with" you'd have saved yourself this pain. Then you let him back a second time!?

 

Telling your family about somebody means nothing, I have a friend who tells his family about the majority of women he screws over and it's a running joke "who are you messing with now, that poor girl eyeroll".

 

You're dealing with the consequences of somebody you knew was wrong to start with. He got laid a lot with you whenever he came over and in the meantime lived his life 2000 miles away and stayed distant. It isn't much more complicated than this: he used you for what he could get out of you which was nothing permanent to him.

 

Blaming him for it won't help since you knew from the start, ignored all the flags and continued on even after he proved you right once. Harsh reality but you only have yourself to blame. Don't keep chasing him, let it go and move on.

 

Thanks for your feedback.. we mutually decided to not sleep together until later on so that was not something he came here for "getting laid".. He had some good qualities that kept me hooked but in the end you're right I should have not ignored the red flags.

[etherealbliss]

Sorry you're feeling down and a bit crazed about this whole ordeal.

 

As Samhain intimated, your Amber alert went off and you didn't listen to it! Yes...you should have listened to this guy when he said what he did about the distance factor. All the alarms were going off and you still didn't listen!! Do you like to court danger?

 

Most people who do the love bombing and pedestal routine are either on the Narcissistic personality disorder spectrum (your guy has a lot of the behaviors) or possibly borderline personality disorder (BPD) ... there's a poster on this forum named Downtown who has a lot of information ... search for him or BPD and see if your guy fits...only so you don't repeat this situation and run the other direction when you encounter someone on either of these spectra.

 

You are complicit in perpetuating this drama, however, so please just try to work through this and go completely no contact with this guy...he's a loose cannon in my book.

 

Go get yourself a massage and treat yourself well the next few weeks....slowly let this all go.

 

Thank you for your message.. I don't believe he has NPD however he did have a few narcissistic traits such as extreme arrogance and dishonesty (which I found out about after the fact). I'll try to stick to NC for good now.