I thought my friend and I were moving towards dating...now, I am . Can you weigh in?

[Emmarose1396]

Adam has been a friend for 8 yrs. I Have found myself attracted to to Adam for the past 2 months but I didn't want anything to be weird, so I buried it

 

I had been dating a guy - Shawn for over 2 yrs. Our relationship has been coming to an end for the past few months. It's just not working

 

Adam knows all of what is going on. 3 weeks ago, after hanging out & having too much to drink, Adam told me he has felt a flicker of an attraction for me & thinks there's potential. He kissed me & we discussed how I felt & then we discussed how my current relationship is ending

 

Since our conversation, Adam & I have spent time together. He told me he liked me & wanted to take it slow. He told me he thought I was pretty & that he loved my company. He told me didn't want to confuse our situation but his feelings were in the beginning stages of what he called potentially something strong. I agreed with all he said & felt. Then I oficially broke it off with Shawn. I told Adam that Shawn & I were done. I knew we wouldn't date right away but I wanted him to know what was going on

 

He had told me that he doesn't think it is a good idea for us to consider dating until there is more distance from my breakup. He said he is skeptical about genuine feelings since we have been in a vulnerable place & because we have known each other for so long & is apprehensive about believing our feelings could be real because why wouldn't they have developed a long time ago? He said we both need to take time to reflect on what we want & he apologized if he said things that made me feel like his "little flame" was stronger than it is

 

He he told me I deserve someone great because he thinks I am & if it is him he will be fortunate & lucky. He hugged me & told me that he loves being close to me & when he pulled back he stared at me & told me I know how to get his small flame to grow because I am beautiful & he said he had to leave so not to be hypocritical because he wanted to kiss me again. What happened?

[Redhead14]

Adam has been a friend for 8 yrs. I Have found myself attracted to to Adam for the past 2 months but I didn't want anything to be weird, so I buried it

 

I had been dating a guy - Shawn for over 2 yrs. Our relationship has been coming to an end for the past few months. It's just not working

 

Adam knows all of what is going on. 3 weeks ago, after hanging out & having too much to drink, Adam told me he has felt a flicker of an attraction for me & thinks there's potential. He kissed me & we discussed how I felt & then we discussed how my current relationship is ending

 

Since our conversation, Adam & I have spent time together. He told me he liked me & wanted to take it slow. He told me he thought I was pretty & that he loved my company. He told me didn't want to confuse our situation but his feelings were in the beginning stages of what he called potentially something strong. I agreed with all he said & felt. Then I oficially broke it off with Shawn. I told Adam that Shawn & I were done. I knew we wouldn't date right away but I wanted him to know what was going on

 

He had told me that he doesn't think it is a good idea for us to consider dating until there is more distance from my breakup. He said he is skeptical about genuine feelings since we have been in a vulnerable place & because we have known each other for so long & is apprehensive about believing our feelings could be real because why wouldn't they have developed a long time ago? He said we both need to take time to reflect on what we want & he apologized if he said things that made me feel like his "little flame" was stronger than it is

 

He he told me I deserve someone great because he thinks I am & if it is him he will be fortunate & lucky. He hugged me & told me that he loves being close to me & when he pulled back he stared at me & told me I know how to get his small flame to grow because I am beautiful & he said he had to leave so not to be hypocritical because he wanted to kiss me again. What happened?

 

What happened? -- He is a mature, smart and intuitive man. He knows you will need time to "recover" from the break up and that he may end up being the "rebound" guy. What he is doing is respectful and level headed and demonstrates that he isn't looking to take advantage of you. He understands that you are getting over a relationship and the attention of another man so soon would likely be about distraction and validation for you and when the "fog" lifted, he may be the one who gets hurt.

 

Take some time for yourself to get centered and focused on yourself as a strong, independent woman before attempting to find another relationship.

[Jejangles]

I think Adam is wise! You need to deal with the fall out from ending a 2 year relationship, not start something right away with him. If the two of you have potential, that potential will still be there a few months from now once you have dealt with your feelings and put your last relationship to rest.

 

My good friend had a similar situation to yours, except she was the Adam. She started dating her friend immediately after he ended his marriage and it was all good initially but within about 6 months it all fell apart because he hadn't dealt with the emotional fallout from his marriage break-up. It was very messy and heartbreaking, and perhaps avoidable if he had taken time to really process this huge change in his life.

 

Take the time Adam has given you, and if you guys have a chance, that chance should still be there down the road.

[Toodaloo]

I like Adam.

[Redhead14]

EmmaR, this is something you need to evaluate for yourself as well. You knew your relationship was ending for the last couple of months but you didn't end it until after you felt that Adam was kinda "in". In other words, you didn't actually break off your previous relationship until you thought you had a "new" guy lined up.

 

Evaluate your ability to be alone and secure in yourself and in your own right. This was a "flag" for yourself and Adam as well.

[dads new boyfriend]

Adam knows that you're a cheater and a monkey brancher so is probably worried that you will do the same things to him if you two become an item. If you wasn't happy with Shawn then you should have left him, not kept him around while looking for another guy.

[kismetkismet]

I was in your situation recently. i had just gotten out of a 1.5 year relationship and thought that i MIGHT be starting to develop feelings for my male best friend. I think i was less sure of it than you, but still there were times when i was drinking when it crossed my mind.

 

However, very shortly after that I realized that it was nothing. I'm SO glad that nothing ever developed because yes, there is a reason we have been 'just friends' all these years and I would be so upset if we had messed up our friendship somehow. It's not a good idea to trust feelings that only develop as the result of a time of crisis or during a break up. The hole that you're left with after a break up can create a kind of emotional vaccuum. You feel a need to continue being intimate in some shape or form with someone.. you want something to ease the pain of the loss etc. Don't just grab on to the closest thing and waste both of your time.

 

Another reason that I'm glad i didn't muck up that friendship is that I'm now with someone that i'm absolutely head over heels madly in love with. I felt that way with him from the start and the chemistry was undeniable. Maybe your feelings are stronger for your friend than mine were for mine, but I still think that your friend is very very wise to want to take time for the emotional dust to settle before seeing if things could work between the two of you.