Reaching out to a friend...and being ignored

[dragonfire13]

Tips on how to feel less like a loser?

 

Backstory: A friend of mine who I had known for around 7 years and I started to find ourselves bickering a lot. We were both going through quite a lot at the time ie. relationship, job issues etc. I found out she was bitching about me behind my back to our mutual friends, but still I let it go as I know she has trouble confronting issues and I think I can be a little brusque sometimes.

 

Anyway, eventually I snapped when she asked if I could go to her place of work (the second day that I started a new job, I may add) to help her out with HER job as she was struggling to keep up with a deadline.

 

Now, everyone I tell about this situation is shocked at the request. Don't get me wrong, if a friend asks me for a PERSONAL favour, I'm there in an instant. But to ask me to essentially do a job that I wont get paid for? I felt that crossed a line.

 

I expressed that to her and she basically got moody and ignored all my texts and calls to try and sort the situation out. We haven't spoken since.

 

Fast forward a year and half later and I'm in a much better place now. It never sat well with me how we ended things and even though she had her annoying moments, there have been moments when she's been a great friend and I wanted her to know that I won't ever forget that.

 

That was a few days ago and it's been radio silence.

 

I know she's a sensitive soul, and she's gone through similar situations with her other friends (cutting them out instead of resolving situations) and would express to me her sadness and disappointment at the loss of a friendship, so I don't regret sending the email. Hopefully she got some comfort out of it.

 

However, usually I tend to just cut people straight out and be done with them. In this instance, I put myself out there and got ignored. I'd be lying if I didn't say it was a sucky feeling. I feel like perhaps I should have left it.

Edited December 1, 2015 by dragonfire13

[KittyKat67]

Seems as though your doing all you can while maintaining your dignity and being open to resolve and re connect. I will say that I have had a similar situation going on right now, and have been contacted by a childhood friend to reconnect after a brutal verbal spar a few weeks ago. That left me so drained that I am igoring her and leaving her with radio silence. Here is why your friend MAY be keeping quiet.

 

She may be the type to hold grudges. Some people move on quickly while others harbour deep resentments or hurts. They are just wired like that. I am like that, and i know I need to work on that.

 

You didn't help her so she perceived that as non loyalty, period.

 

I'm still contemplating even allowing my friend of over 20 years back into my life and I love her dearly, because it just doesn' sit well with me for now, it may change for sure though.

[chargersfan]

OP

 

I am in the same boat as you. Got into, what boiled down to a misunderstanding, and I apologized in the beginning of November. Andddddd cue the crickets, she hasn't said a darn thing.

I dunno about you, but the silence hurts. At this point, I'd rather here "screw off" over radio silence...then I could move on.

The silence, while probably her answer, is confusing because of that paper-thin sliver of hope that keeps my toe in the door. Will she ever respond? Am I being punished? If she ends it like this, why? Did she "win"?

 

I'm projecting a lot, but that's what the silence does to ME.

 

I was just having this conversation with my husband last night that I feel silly and stupid for putting myself out there and she read the email but didn't say Jack. She even (accidentally) sent my husband a facebook friend request after I sent the email, but withdrew it (so must have been an accident)...so that's even more frustrating: you read my email, you go on our profiles, but then don't say a word.

 

My husband said I shouldn't feel stupid or silly, that I did what was right, and that's all I can do. Easier said that done, because I dunno about you, but I'm taking it personally.

The fact that you apologized and they won't even acknowledge your existence says everything about them and nothing about you. It's just their perception, their point of view.

 

As time passes, I'm sure we both won't feel so silly and should even feel better, because in the end we were brave and did the right thing and that's all we can do. We make mistakes and all we can do is try and correct them.

[stillafool]

 

What is the difference between her feeling this way:

 

I know she's a sensitive soul, and she's gone through similar situations

with her other friends (cutting them out instead of resolving situations)

 

And you feeling this way:

 

However, usually I tend to just cut people straight out and be done with them.

 

Fast forward a year and half later and I'm in a much better place now.

 

She obviously isn't at that place yet.

[dragonfire13]

 

She may be the type to hold grudges. Some people move on quickly while others harbour deep resentments or hurts. They are just wired like that. I am like that, and i know I need to work on that.

 

You didn't help her so she perceived that as non loyalty, period.

 

I'm still contemplating even allowing my friend of over 20 years back into my life and I love her dearly, because it just doesn' sit well with me for now, it may change for sure though.

 

 

I used to be exactly the same! But as I've gotten older, I see no sense in holding onto grudges. For certain toxic individuals, sure. But for a generally decent and honest person with whom you've had a disagreement with (which, let's face it, if your friends with someone for years, disagreements are bound to crop up) it seems like such a shame.

 

 

But if there's a fundamental difference in the way conflict is handled, or if certain issues keep cropping up, sometimes it is just best to let a friendship go.

 

 

I do hope you work things out with your friend.

[dragonfire13]

OP

 

I am in the same boat as you. Got into, what boiled down to a misunderstanding, and I apologized in the beginning of November. Andddddd cue the crickets, she hasn't said a darn thing.

I dunno about you, but the silence hurts. At this point, I'd rather here "screw off" over radio silence...then I could move on.

The silence, while probably her answer, is confusing because of that paper-thin sliver of hope that keeps my toe in the door. Will she ever respond? Am I being punished? If she ends it like this, why? Did she "win"?

 

I'm projecting a lot, but that's what the silence does to ME.

 

I was just having this conversation with my husband last night that I feel silly and stupid for putting myself out there and she read the email but didn't say Jack. She even (accidentally) sent my husband a facebook friend request after I sent the email, but withdrew it (so must have been an accident)...so that's even more frustrating: you read my email, you go on our profiles, but then don't say a word.

 

My husband said I shouldn't feel stupid or silly, that I did what was right, and that's all I can do. Easier said that done, because I dunno about you, but I'm taking it personally.

The fact that you apologized and they won't even acknowledge your existence says everything about them and nothing about you. It's just their perception, their point of view.

 

As time passes, I'm sure we both won't feel so silly and should even feel better, because in the end we were brave and did the right thing and that's all we can do. We make mistakes and all we can do is try and correct them.

 

It's reassuring that others can relate. It certainly sucks when you put yourself out there and end up being ignored... it can make you feel silly, pathetic, weak etc but actually, I think it shows real strength of character to try and mend fences. Also, if we can let go of a grudge yet they can't, who is the real "winner"?

 

Your friend is obviously still curious about what you're up to. It's a shame she couldn't redirect that energy into mending the friendship, but that seems to be the case with a lot of self-centred people these days: their addiction to social media seems to outweigh the building or maintaining of real friendships. I call it the "me" generation. I know how annoying it must be though, kind of like you wasted a mature act on someone who is still playing childish games on social media.

 

I guess all we can do is say we gave it shot, let go of any guilt of ending a friendship so abruptly, wish the person well and close that chapter for good. Thankfully, I've made new friends since then who are like a breath of fresh air...defo the type of people who seem more worth the time and energy.

[dragonfire13]

 

What is the difference between her feeling this way:

 

 

 

And you feeling this way:

 

 

 

 

 

She obviously isn't at that place yet.

 

 

The difference is, whilst I have indeed been the ditcher in situations with toxic individuals, I would recognise an honest attempt to reach out (none of the people ive cut out have tried to re-establish contact). At the very least, I would acknowledge the person and try to be civil, unless what they did was so horrendously awful. I don't think a disagreement (caused by her unreasonable request) falls into that category.

 

Especially if after a lengthy period of time had passed and especially if I knew I was just as (if not more) responsible for the deterioration of the friendship...I don't think I would continue to harbour a grudge. I'd have enough respect for the individual I was friends with for so many years to at least thank them and wish them well.

 

Like other posters have suggested, I guess she's just not ready to let go of that grudge. The fact that she, at times, smothered me during the friendship makes me doubt just how sincere that friendship was though, to be honest.

Edited December 1, 2015 by dragonfire13