liplockshock Posted December 1, 2015 Posted December 1, 2015 So it's been awhile since I've been on here. Life was good for awhile... I met an amazing guy through mutual friends. We took a class together, ended up eventually dating. We were together for a year and a half, I broke up with him about ten days ago and it's been extremely rough. Our relationship started out great, we fell for each other - hard. He's my best friend, even now after the ugly messy breakup we had. About six months ago the fighting started, at first they were small disagreements. Then we started arguing more frequently (on a weekly basis) and more bitterly, the fighting resulted in total communication meltdowns. It was always triggered by something small then turned into something completely different and bigger. After three complete blowups that resulted in us almost breaking up, I suggested we go to couples therapy to resolve our issues. We only went to a few sessions before he decided (against my wishes) that therapy wasn't working and we could work it out on our own. The arguments always centered on either; his inability to trust me, the fact that I wasn't willing to move out with him, his curiosity towards polyamourous lifestyle, and his negative attitude towards marriage. To clarify: I've never given him a reason to not trust me. I wanted to move out with him, however I am the sole support system for my mother with bipolar disorder. I am well informed on polyamoury, but I am uncomfortable with it due to my own issues with trusting others. I want to work towards starting a family eventually as I've never had one, even as a child. He looks at our relationship as good right now and he's unsure about if he'll ever want to get married or have children. When months prior he told me he could see himself getting married to me and raising a family. I'm not 22 anymore, I can't wait ten years for him to decide when or if he'll be ready. During this six month period he began to show signs of disrespectful behavior and emotional abuse, calling me names, belittling me, hyper-criticizing. Just recently he decided that he wanted to take a year long backpacking trip and wanted me to join him. I agreed, I wanted to join him and see the world. Unfortunately he did not understand the immense stress that it would take to put my study plans on hold and work with my parent to find a suitable living arrangement where she had the support that she needed. This caused more friction in our relationship, especially as I was also studying for a licensing exam so I would be able to legally practice within my chosen career. I became rundown, my self esteem took a beating and I began to feel worthless and unloved. The breaking point came when he argued with me about everything that I listed above during the entire day I was supposed to devote to my studies. I broke up with him the next day. Since then it's been constant hashing out and blaming me for the breakup. I told him that we both needed time away from the relationship to work on ourselves and that maybe we could work towards getting back together in the future. Tonight I went to pick up my things, it was extremely emotional on both sides. We both agreed that this was the best thing, however he sees it as we're incompatible. I see it as GIGS and this is why: I simply think that he's reached the point in his life where he's realized he's almost thirty and he's working a job that he hates and hasn't accomplished anything with his life that he wanted to do. I don't think he is happy with himself and he started to take it out on me in our relationship. I think he's throwing whatever he can at the wall to see what sticks (going back to school, going backpacking, working for a few months and traveling for the rest of the year) I guess I'm posting because I'm frustrated. The love between us is there, I feel it every time he looks at me, hugs me, or speaks to me. I remember all of the good times and they were the best times I've ever had with another person. He changed my life and my perspective on love in general. He's my best friend, he's the only person I know I can depend on, even now. I love him unconditionally and I know I will for the rest of my life. He's as heartbroken as I am, we were both talking about how unfair this is that we can't seem to figure things out. We held each other and cried together for hours. I'm wondering if there's any chance that he'll come to his senses and we will reconcile or if in fact we're incompatible. Right now I feel so jaded, they say love conquers all... I feel like they lied. I need an opinion... I don't know what to do anymore, or where to go from this point... I'm absolutely devastated.
mightycpa Posted December 1, 2015 Posted December 1, 2015 Love doesn't conquer all. You've got to be on the same page too, because if you're not, eventually, the love gets killed. You're definitely not a match made in heaven. Probably both better off this way. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 1, 2015 Posted December 1, 2015 No, it's not GIGS. And no, love does not conquer all. That is idealistic and not based in reality. So nobody lied - some people are just hoping it's true. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. He was suspicious. He was not ready to be only with you. You're really not compatible. Where are your standards, lady? 1
Meli22 Posted December 1, 2015 Posted December 1, 2015 I'd say this is probably all comparability related. To be honest he sounds like a handful and although you won't see it now, I'll bet you count your lucky stars one day in the future that you guys didn't work out. Right now you're romanticising and not seeing him for what he really is (read back on your post, he sounds like a child who throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his own way. Relationships like that don't improve unless the common denominator (him) realises what he's doing wrong and makes a conscience effort to change his way of thinking. And usually, people like that don't see it themselves. It's still a loss at the end of the day so you're bound to feel hurt and upset but keep reminding yourself of why YOU walked away rather than why he was the way he is. I've been in your exact shoes before. Well done on standing up for what you deserve 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 1, 2015 Posted December 1, 2015 So he doesn't want to marry you or raise a family, he's interested in polyamory (multi partner relationships), you quite rightly have trust issues from this. You fight constantly over these issues. He throws moods over these issues. What actually does he have that you want? He sounds like my ex. GIGS is utter c r a p. I have never seen it mentioned anywhere but here. You did right by ending it 1
kgcolonel Posted December 1, 2015 Posted December 1, 2015 I do see incompatibility here....sorry to say it but the interest in polyamory vs start a family seem to be diametrically opposed. That would be the first hurdle, secondly the decision to discontinue MC, my wife and I have been to 3 before finding one that we both felt herd each of us and was qualified to counsel us as a couple and treat us individually. It is good to learn this now instead of post kids and family however, I know it doesn't make it any easier but it better now. I am very sorry you two are going through this. 1
Author liplockshock Posted December 2, 2015 Author Posted December 2, 2015 Thank you all for your thoughts and messages. Although I'm really struggling with this you're all right. It's not a good relationship to be in and it was for the best. It's still hard to let go but I will take it one day at a time.
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