should I stay, or should I go now?

[ISPY222]

Backstory: I've been seeing a guy for a little over a month. We have mutual friends, and he was pursuing me hard before we actually started going on dates. He would beg my friend to introduce us, and asked a million questions about me.

 

When he got my number, he would text often. Always saying sweet things. That he was very excited about me, that he couldn't wait to see me. That he felt I deserved to be treated right, and it was his goal to do that. That he couldn't wait to change that I was single. That with his job, he felt getting into a relationship wouldn't work until he met me.

 

We go on a couple dates, hang out with mutual friends. Everything seems great. I really start to like him, despite some things I wasn't fond of.... I really liked him as a person. My friend discussed with him in detail about how he sought a relationship, he told her thats what he was looking for. From the way he acts and everything he tells me I become comfortable with him. I can trust that he's looking for what I am.

 

Well, I let my guard down and sex happens. He seems a little off after the first time which I get. Guys pull back after sex, and he didn't last long at all. Maybe embarrassed? Well, we get together with friends and later on that night end up having sex again. He seems super hesitant. Super distant, like didn't want to touch me afterwards. I could feel it, his energy was repelling. It was awful. The next morning he still seemed super distant, not himself. Anxious to leave. I offered to drive him and you could tell he would have much rather gone with our friends. In the car the conversation seemed forced. I dropped him off, he kissed me. I texted him once several hours later and he didn't respond for a day and a half. He had never done that before.

 

Now, he travels a lot for work. But that hasn't changed since we started talking. Now all of a sudden it prevents him from texting me? riiiiight. All last week I barely heard from him. And when I did it was mindless blabber. Just saying how work sucked. Or how he was tired. Not the usual conversation, and no attempt at making plans.

 

I waited a week and was miserable but knew I needed to give him space. But we have mutual friends and I knew our paths would cross again...so I had to ask what was going on. His reply? "I've been so busy with work and its been crazy and I'm sorry and its exhausting and I don't have time for anything".

 

I figured at this point I had nothing to lose. I let him know that if you really care for someone, there is always time. That I know I should have discussed where we both stood before sex. But he definitely gave me (and my friend!) the impression that he definitely sought a relationship with me. And I would have never had sex with someone if I didn't feel that was a possibility. He apologized profusely, saying he knows how it looks and he looks like a jerk and he never wanted me to feel he used me for sex. and he usually takes things slow too thats why he didn't kiss me the first few dates. He really likes me, thinks I'm amazing, beautiful, and fun and meant all those things he said. But he's just so busy with work and everything... and he doesn't feel I deserve to be blown off or treated shifty so he's been kind of scared of entering a relationship right now.....? Thats exactly how he put it.

 

Now I'm no moron. I know this is a classic line used to reject someone while trying to protect their feelings. "I think you're great but I'm just so BUSY" yeeeea BS. He never would have pursued me in the beginning if he was just "too busy" And I'm not sure I don't feel he was totally using me for sex, since he hasn't attempted any booty calls (geez didn't know I was that bad, didn't have any complaints before and he came in like 5 minutes)

 

I was in denial when first reading this text.... and took it as him wanting to step back and take things slow. I told him I didn't want to give up just because we are busy. when I asked if thats what he meant...no reply. so thats my answer i guess? I face palmed myself real hard later when duh I realized that what he said was most likely to protect my feelings. He's just lost interest.

 

But heres the kicker. We have both laid things out on the table. Its obvious we both want different things. So it cannot work (or he has just lost interest and is attempting to protect me feelings) yet he is STILL texting me. Why? WHY?! Leave me alone buddy! This is your escape. I ignored him all day today, and I get a text. I gave him a lame "haha" 4 hours later and he texts back again with a question. I just don't get it. I mean, I did leave our relationship discussion saying that I wanted to try with him and that I really liked him. but said no more when he wouldn't respond. And after thinking about it several hours later, it all dawned on me and I felt like an idiot. And after discussing with a few friends, confirmed that yes that was definitely his way of saying "not interested move on." So why still talk to me? I get we are going to be at a mutual friends party in a couple weeks, and thats what he was texting about. Maybe he wants to make sure everything is cool and I'm not mad. But dammit I am mad! I was led on! Super led on! Even my friend is mad because she feels he deceived her! And I think I have a right to feel what I feel. I'm hurt, and I feel lied to. So I've decided to just ignore him when he attempts to contact me. I'm sure it will subside fast since he's not into me anymore. And hopefully by the time we see each other again I will be over it. Luckily this didn't carry on for longer. Thats why I don't wait to ask questions. I gave him a week. Thats long enough. I'm sorry, but you don't lead someone on, sleep with them, and basically ignore them. I won't tolerate those dumb games. But what do you think? Am I best off just ignoring his texts? I don't even think he's aware of how much he's hurt me or that its even dawned on me yet that he doesn't like me anymore. But I get it now. I don't need someone to throw me breadcrumbs and protect my feelings. That makes it worse.

 

Thanks for reading my tragic novel, friends. Please help me know I'm not alone in this. Is ignoring him the best route? Does that make me look childish? Will it just make things more awkward? I am aware this is sadly a very common scenario. Humans can be so cruel to each other.

[lilmissjava]

Keep ignoring his texts. Let some time pass and you'll be good to go.

 

As for him, by the time he realizes just what he wants, you will be someone else's treasure.

 

Forget about him, a real jerk.

[ISPY222]

Keep ignoring his texts. Let some time pass and you'll be good to go.

 

As for him, by the time he realizes just what he wants, you will be someone else's treasure.

 

Forget about him, a real jerk.

 

This is exactly what I needed to hear YOU are a treasure. Thank you so much for your kind and inspiring words

[Glitters]

Duh! He deserves to be treated the way you feel like treating him. Ignore , whatever but don't get sucked back in anyway. These type of guys do know how and when to reel you back. I would be careful for that also

[Gaeta]

Why ignore him and by the same time deny yourself the pleasure of telling him to F-off? I don't understand this 'ignoring business' just tell him what's on your mind. Tell him It's too little too late and good luck.

 

Why he's not making a clean cut with you? Because men hate these things they prefer a slow fade than a clean cut. I spent last night on the phone with a male friend who can't gather enough courage to tell this girl it's not working. He'd prefer poking himself in the eye with a fork then having to tell her it's over so he does the slow fade away. It's WEAK. So don't be weak like he is and just tell him it's not necessary to contact you anymore.

 

One more thing. It DOES happen that we are excited about someone and once we sleep with them it all dies out. It's no ones fault it just happens. It sounds like he was expecting a strong connection during sex and it didn't happen. I know I have experienced it in the past, I'm excited about someone and when we sleep together it's a big let down, not that there was anything wrong, it was just dull with no connection.

 

This part below now:

 

Don't fall for these cheesy speeches!! That has the mark 'bad cheesy player' all over it. A man that will treat you right won't brag about doing it, He will deliver and do it !! stay away from men that self proclaim themselves the right man, the perfect gentleman. Those who need say out loud that they're honest are usually not.

 

 

 

When he got my number, he would text often. Always saying sweet things. That he was very excited about me, that he couldn't wait to see me. That he felt I deserved to be treated right, and it was his goal to do that. That he couldn't wait to change that I was single. That with his job, he felt getting into a relationship wouldn't work until he met me.

[BluEyeL]

I think for one stop asking you "why" men do what they do. Who effing cares? He either treats you right, or he doesn't. In this case, he doesn't.

 

But I'll tell you "why" he texts you. He keeps you on the backburner. He might be "busy" but maybe in the future he might wanna get laid and you might be desperate enough to agree with a no strings roll in the hay. throwing you bread crumbs, that's all. Don't fall for that crap!

[stillafool]

 

One more thing. It DOES happen that we are excited about someone and once we sleep with them it all dies out. It's no ones fault it just happens. It sounds like he was expecting a strong connection during sex and it didn't happen. I know I have experienced it in the past, I'm excited about someone and when we sleep together it's a big let down, not that there was anything wrong, it was just dull with no connection.

 

 

^^^^^^THIS! I think the above is what happened. Something turned him off about the sex and he didn't see a relationship. That's okay but I'm sorry you got hurt. I know you don't want to have sex with a man unless he wants a relationship but make sure that YOU want the sex too before you have it. Otherwise when things don't work out you feel used and that's not the way you should feel if you enjoyed yourself. Apparently you didn't enjoy yourself either so you feel used.

[Redhead14]

Backstory: I've been seeing a guy for a little over a month. We have mutual friends, and he was pursuing me hard before we actually started going on dates. He would beg my friend to introduce us, and asked a million questions about me.

 

When he got my number, he would text often. Always saying sweet things. That he was very excited about me, that he couldn't wait to see me. That he felt I deserved to be treated right, and it was his goal to do that. That he couldn't wait to change that I was single. That with his job, he felt getting into a relationship wouldn't work until he met me.

 

We go on a couple dates, hang out with mutual friends. Everything seems great. I really start to like him, despite some things I wasn't fond of.... I really liked him as a person. My friend discussed with him in detail about how he sought a relationship, he told her thats what he was looking for. From the way he acts and everything he tells me I become comfortable with him. I can trust that he's looking for what I am.

 

Well, I let my guard down and sex happens. He seems a little off after the first time which I get. Guys pull back after sex, and he didn't last long at all. Maybe embarrassed? Well, we get together with friends and later on that night end up having sex again. He seems super hesitant. Super distant, like didn't want to touch me afterwards. I could feel it, his energy was repelling. It was awful. The next morning he still seemed super distant, not himself. Anxious to leave. I offered to drive him and you could tell he would have much rather gone with our friends. In the car the conversation seemed forced. I dropped him off, he kissed me. I texted him once several hours later and he didn't respond for a day and a half. He had never done that before.

 

Now, he travels a lot for work. But that hasn't changed since we started talking. Now all of a sudden it prevents him from texting me? riiiiight. All last week I barely heard from him. And when I did it was mindless blabber. Just saying how work sucked. Or how he was tired. Not the usual conversation, and no attempt at making plans.

 

I waited a week and was miserable but knew I needed to give him space. But we have mutual friends and I knew our paths would cross again...so I had to ask what was going on. His reply? "I've been so busy with work and its been crazy and I'm sorry and its exhausting and I don't have time for anything".

 

I figured at this point I had nothing to lose. I let him know that if you really care for someone, there is always time. That I know I should have discussed where we both stood before sex. But he definitely gave me (and my friend!) the impression that he definitely sought a relationship with me. And I would have never had sex with someone if I didn't feel that was a possibility. He apologized profusely, saying he knows how it looks and he looks like a jerk and he never wanted me to feel he used me for sex. and he usually takes things slow too thats why he didn't kiss me the first few dates. He really likes me, thinks I'm amazing, beautiful, and fun and meant all those things he said. But he's just so busy with work and everything... and he doesn't feel I deserve to be blown off or treated shifty so he's been kind of scared of entering a relationship right now.....? Thats exactly how he put it.

 

Now I'm no moron. I know this is a classic line used to reject someone while trying to protect their feelings. "I think you're great but I'm just so BUSY" yeeeea BS. He never would have pursued me in the beginning if he was just "too busy" And I'm not sure I don't feel he was totally using me for sex, since he hasn't attempted any booty calls (geez didn't know I was that bad, didn't have any complaints before and he came in like 5 minutes)

 

I was in denial when first reading this text.... and took it as him wanting to step back and take things slow. I told him I didn't want to give up just because we are busy. when I asked if thats what he meant...no reply. so thats my answer i guess? I face palmed myself real hard later when duh I realized that what he said was most likely to protect my feelings. He's just lost interest.

 

But heres the kicker. We have both laid things out on the table. Its obvious we both want different things. So it cannot work (or he has just lost interest and is attempting to protect me feelings) yet he is STILL texting me. Why? WHY?! Leave me alone buddy! This is your escape. I ignored him all day today, and I get a text. I gave him a lame "haha" 4 hours later and he texts back again with a question. I just don't get it. I mean, I did leave our relationship discussion saying that I wanted to try with him and that I really liked him. but said no more when he wouldn't respond. And after thinking about it several hours later, it all dawned on me and I felt like an idiot. And after discussing with a few friends, confirmed that yes that was definitely his way of saying "not interested move on." So why still talk to me? I get we are going to be at a mutual friends party in a couple weeks, and thats what he was texting about. Maybe he wants to make sure everything is cool and I'm not mad. But dammit I am mad! I was led on! Super led on! Even my friend is mad because she feels he deceived her! And I think I have a right to feel what I feel. I'm hurt, and I feel lied to. So I've decided to just ignore him when he attempts to contact me. I'm sure it will subside fast since he's not into me anymore. And hopefully by the time we see each other again I will be over it. Luckily this didn't carry on for longer. Thats why I don't wait to ask questions. I gave him a week. Thats long enough. I'm sorry, but you don't lead someone on, sleep with them, and basically ignore them. I won't tolerate those dumb games. But what do you think? Am I best off just ignoring his texts? I don't even think he's aware of how much he's hurt me or that its even dawned on me yet that he doesn't like me anymore. But I get it now. I don't need someone to throw me breadcrumbs and protect my feelings. That makes it worse.

 

Thanks for reading my tragic novel, friends. Please help me know I'm not alone in this. Is ignoring him the best route? Does that make me look childish? Will it just make things more awkward? I am aware this is sadly a very common scenario. Humans can be so cruel to each other.

 

Will it just make things more awkward? -- The more you entertain this is any way the more awkward and and hurtful it will become. He gets that you're invested and you weren't getting the message, so now he's trying to keep in some kind of touch while thinking you will be the back burner girl. He'll let things calm down and reach out here and there in an attempt to keep things "friendly" and then one day he will pop up and ask you out and try to pull you in again. It will be on/off over and over again.

 

Go no contact and stick to it. If you see him again somewhere, you say hi and keep moving. Don't engage in conversation, just be polite.

[ISPY222]

UPDATE: He continued to text me even though I wasn't responding. So I just decided to ask him why he still felt the need to talk to me? He had already made it clear he didn't want a relationship, and I had made it clear that I did. Obviously nothing between us could continue, because nobody would be happy. I told him that I got it, he's no longer interested. And his texting me is only going to prevent me from getting over it. He still insisted that he liked me a lot, thought I was amazing and attractive and blah blah. That he "just doesn't think he can be in a relationship right now." I told him thats fine and we could eventually be friends (or at least things will not be weird between us) but he needs to stop contacting me. I let him know that while I understood, that I felt deceived and honestly played. That he had led me to believe he wanted a committed relationship with me by what he said. He also insisted that all of that was true, but he realized with how demanding his job is that he wouldn't be able to make me happy and I deserve someone who can. He said he just wants to be honest to avoid further issues (although he would have never actually come out and told me this if I hadn't asked what the heck was going on).

 

I'm sorry, but nobody NOBODY who genuinely likes someone would ever suggest that they go be with someone else. That alone tells me that he has just lost interest. I wish he would just admit that, because anything else leaves false hope. And maybe he wanted that so he could push me into a fun "non-relationship" role. I was starting to see that this was the case, and the conversation was getting too painful. So I told him that I understood. That I was excited about him but was also very hurt. And that I needed him to please leave me alone. He said he was excited about me too, that he was sorry and he was trying not to hurt me.

 

and thats it. He has left me alone. Which I fully expected since that was an easy out for him. I have never stood up for myself like that before, or let anyone know how their actions really made me feel. He invested in me emotionally and physically... and I in him. So yes I have the right to voice how I feel. He needed to know how his actions effected me. That he was deceptive and shouldn't say things unless he really means them.

 

It has been so much easier for me to process the situation and how I feel. Handling this the way I did gave me a sense of closure and power in the situation. I chose to no longer deal with him and walk away. And I made it clear that his texts were no longer welcome. I don't feel I was rude or mean about it, but stern. And I needed to be, because up until I nicely asked him to leave me alone he had all the power in the situation. He will be at a party I'm at next weekend, and I expect to be fully over it by then. It will be a little awkward, but I know exactly how to act. Just act as if nothing happened and he's an acquaintance. No drama, but definitely not too much contact. Luckily there will be enough people there to keep my distance while still being cordial. All in all I'm proud of myself and feel I've learned some lessons here. No matter how interested or invested a guy actually seems... it can change. And if you aren't comfortable having sex outside of a commitment.... then just don't. And if the guy can't handle that, then he's not for you