smile95 Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Could I just be in love with being in love? I cannot get my ex off my mind. I am doing NC and I swear I think of him all the time! I get scared that I will never speak to him again. I am doingNC to give him some space. I love him so much, but sometimes I wonder if I have built him up so much into someone he is not and that is who I love. THe person I want him to be. We are Long Dist, so it is easy to dream about what you want someone to be like. I am really lost. I just want to hear his voice, but I know that NC is best. I was miserable with him cause I never saw him. We did not break up, just stopped talking one day after 3 yrs. But in that time, he was a mess about work and a lot of other issues too. Last time he did this he came back, but I do not want to wait on him anymore. I want to be in love again. That happy and giddy feeling! I have asked this b4, but I can fall in love again -right?
dgiirl Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 I have asked this b4, but I can fall in love again -right? I sure hope so. You mentioned before this guy is going through a divorce, and yet you've had a relationship with him for 3 years. Sounds like bad trouble. I dont think getting involved with a divorcee so soon after his marriage can be healthy. He'll definitely have baggage. Stick to NC and take this oppurtunity for you to break free and find someone who cares for you, w/o the baggage.
Author smile95 Posted May 28, 2005 Author Posted May 28, 2005 he also has a son. His wife left him while pregnant and that scares me too. I have to move on, I know. I just love him. Everyone tells me to move on. I know he loves me, but maybe this was bad timing. Sux to throw it all away. I am 28-never married and no kids. I thought I was going to be his wife and a step mom and now all my plan is screwed up. I realize that he is confused right now w/ all that is going on and he works 24-7 and it is long distance! I have really been miserable and all my friends have told me how he brings me down. He usually does this and then calls me and I am usually recovering and answer and fall back. I have to not answer the next time. If there is one.thanks. I guess I need to stay occupied, but I truly miss him in my life.
dgiirl Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 he also has a son. His wife left him while pregnant and that scares me too. I have to move on, I know. I just love him. Everyone tells me to move on. I know he loves me, but maybe this was bad timing. Sux to throw it all away. I am 28-never married and no kids. I thought I was going to be his wife and a step mom and now all my plan is screwed up. I realize that he is confused right now w/ all that is going on and he works 24-7 and it is long distance! I have really been miserable and all my friends have told me how he brings me down. He usually does this and then calls me and I am usually recovering and answer and fall back. I have to not answer the next time. If there is one.thanks. I guess I need to stay occupied, but I truly miss him in my life. I know how the loneliness hurts. But dont worry about "what if's", it's a killer. Just keep moving. Dont stay at home. Get out and do something. I dont know how long you've been in NC but it does help. I'm in 4 months of NC, and I've healed a lot since day one. I still have my moments, but they get shorter and shorter. I think the best method is to find something to make part of your new life that takes your mind off your old life. Everytime I have to deal with my stbxh (or his friends for passing mail), I relapse because it reminds me of what I lost. But when I hang out with _my_ friends, i'm sooo much better because it's part of my new life. I'm making new plans with them. Take up some new hobbies with them or by yourself. Make a new start for yourself. This is a chance for you to do anything you've always wanted to do but couldnt because you were in a relationship. If you think hard, I'm sure there's something you'd like to do. Plus, you are so young. You havent experienced marriage or kids! Find someone in the same situation. There are plenty of men in their 30's who have never been married yet. There's a lot less baggage, and you'll both enjoy the special occassions for the first time together.
Author smile95 Posted May 28, 2005 Author Posted May 28, 2005 thank you so much. I feel like I am never going to find anyone who has not been married. I appreciate your help! I am going to get more involved at the gym and try to meet new people. I am glad to hear that you are so far into NC. I am only 4 days! I broke last week and had to start over. I went 4 weeks before and as I said after he thought I had moved on, he called. I will keep my dreams for someone new I guess. I never thought it would hurt this much. But, I am not crying anyone. I think I am out of tears? I hope that I have let go of hope that he will call as he always does, but sometimes, I still drream about a reunion with him. It is funny tho, I was not happy with him. He was always working and we never made plans to see each other anymore and he expeced me to wait and wait with no complaints. All I asked for was a call a day and when he was too busy, I would complain and I think it got to be too much for us both. Thanks for saying I was young still!!! Most of my firends make comments about me being old and "why are you not married". It bugs me!
dgiirl Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 thank you so much. I feel like I am never going to find anyone who has not been married. Most of my friends are NOT married yet, and they are in their 30's. I do have a few married friends, but they got married in their late 20's. I was one of two to get married so young (and divorced too for both DOH). I appreciate your help! I am going to get more involved at the gym and try to meet new people. I am glad to hear that you are so far into NC. I am only 4 days! I broke last week and had to start over. I went 4 weeks before and as I said after he thought I had moved on, he called. I will keep my dreams for someone new I guess. I never thought it would hurt this much. But, I am not crying anyone. I think I am out of tears? I hope that I have let go of hope that he will call as he always does, but sometimes, I still drream about a reunion with him. It is funny tho, I was not happy with him. Unfortunately, I still have some contact with my stbxh, but I do consider myself in NC since the only thing we talk about is the legalities of the divorce. I do NOT talk about the relationship. I do NOT beg him to come back. I do NOT even share with him the pain I'm going through. The first few months when he left, I had constant dreams about him being home, only to wake up and realize he wasnt. It was torture. But one night I had a dream where I introduced him as my ex husband to my friends. After that the dreams have stopped. I did (and still do) let myself hope from time to time. Sometimes it was the only thing that helped me get through the day. Hope is not a bad thing. But if you're stopping your life because of hope, then it's bad. But I also try to force myself to remember all the bad things he's done to me. In time you will see more and more things he's done that has hurt you, and you will focus more on that. There's a few stages on grief, and you tend to jump back and forth between them all. The tears will stop for a while, but dont be surprised if they come back. For me, they did, and it's natural. But each phase is getting shorter and shorter and during my crying spells I focus on the fact that it will pass. During the really bad phases, I pray for strength to get through this, and for some reason a peace comes over me and I stop crying. Crying is good! I'd rather waste my time now, crying my eyes out and get it all over with, than to have to cry in a year because I didnt grieve. He was always working and we never made plans to see each other anymore and he expeced me to wait and wait with no complaints. All I asked for was a call a day and when he was too busy, I would complain and I think it got to be too much for us both. It doesnt seem like he respects you. He does not have your interests in mind. If he truely cared about you, he would take time to talk to you. And he wouldnt make you wait. You have every right to voice your needs. It's not complaining. Thanks for saying I was young still!!! Most of my firends make comments about me being old and "why are you not married". It bugs me! Screw them! Make some 30-something single friends! They have a different mentality than the married ones. They seem to be less "mature" and more fun to hang out with. You need some fun! I know I do. I missed out on my 20's because I was married. I'm going to take this time and live! Before you get married, take this time to do all the crazy things you want to do. You dont want to regret not doing the things you wanted to do. Soon you'll be married with kids. Sow your oats now while you have the chance.
Author smile95 Posted May 29, 2005 Author Posted May 29, 2005 wow. In the time I have been on LS, that was the best thing anyone ever wrote to me. You really did lift my spirits! I am glad there is hope for me. I find that when I cry, the next day I feel strong and ok. So I guess that crying is healing me. I hope I do start to see all the bad he did to me. There was enough! I pray all the time for strength. Seems like I am wasting my time waiting on this man. Not sure why I ever got involved in the 1st place? He was sep for a yr when I met him and to this day, (3 yrs later) the div is not final yet. He is obsessed with money and she wants it all. I guess that getting rid of him and his baggage may be best. I really want a family. I guess I would rather be with someone who can be 100% there for me then someone who is always at work. I am always thinking about him and I hope that will fade too. Thanks for letting me vent and giving me hope to carry on!
dgiirl Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 wow. In the time I have been on LS, that was the best thing anyone ever wrote to me. You really did lift my spirits! I am glad there is hope for me. I'm glad I can help. It sux big time. I know the pain very well. But talking to people and listening to other people's experiences has helped me through it. I find that when I cry, the next day I feel strong and ok. So I guess that crying is healing me. The first thing my therapist told me is not to beat myself up because I'm crying again. Just let it all out. It'll come out eventually, better now then later. Just implement NC. If you feel the need to talk to him, call up a friend. Tell her "Hey, I'm trying really hard not to contact my ex. Can you please help me through it?" Then you'll talk bout other stuff, and soon you'll be feeling strong again. My only divorcee friend is my support line. It helps SOOOOOO much. He was sep for a yr when I met him and to this day, (3 yrs later) the div is not final yet. He is obsessed with money and she wants it all. This guy's trouble. He is either really cheap, or he's still hung up on his ex. Either way, he sounds like a controlling man. If he really wanted a divorce, and was truely unhappy in the relationship, he wouldnt give a damn about the money. He would gladly pay whatever it was to get her out of his life. 3 years is waaaay to long. And if he's controlling with money, he'll be controlling you with money too. I guess I would rather be with someone who can be 100% there for me then someone who is always at work. You do not want a family with a man who is not 100% there for you. Imagine having kids and he's not around. Hard as it might sound right now, count your blessings. You'll find the right man when the time is right. I am always thinking about him and I hope that will fade too. I certainly hope so. I'm still thinking about my ex too. Some good things, a lot of bad things Thanks for letting me vent and giving me hope to carry on! Get out and have some fun!
Jadey Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 Beth, I deffiently deffiently can relate. I think you can be in love with love, that giddy feeling you get. And you remember that feeling and put it onto a certain feeling, when really it may just be that feeling that you love, not the actual person. Many people have said to me they think im in love with that giddyness and the way people make you feel other than the actuall ex. Cos my ex was the first guy that truely made me feel special, like i was worth loving. I was sexy, etc. I hadnt had all that before cos im only young, he was my first love. And so alot of people have said its the feeling he made me feel and the newness of it all that i really miss. But i dont know, i think i really do love him. But basically, you may just be in love with love itself. And yes you WILL feel like that again with someone else, promise!
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