chargersfan Posted November 30, 2015 Posted November 30, 2015 I had a former friend do this. Right out of the gate, she called herself a bad friend. When I'd get disappointed that I had to do all the initiating, she'd say "I told you I was a bad friend!" or if she didn't return a call of mine, she'd leave a comment on my facebook profile picture saying "sorry I haven't called you back, I'm such a terrible friend! What's up?" At the drop of a hat, it was the "bad friend" line. In the end, I voiced my concerns with her and told her I was seeking a reciprocal friendship and that I could no longer shoulder all of the work. Her response was unfriending me on facebook and then subsequently, giving me the silent treatment/cold shoulder. Needless to say, that hurt and sucked for a period of time. Now, I've recently come across another woman I get along with very well, but she too has warned me that she's a bad friend. Why? Are these women just being honest? Or are they using this as an excuse to absolve themselves of any blame, just in case the other party gets hurt? I've only come across this behavior during my dating years with emotionally unvavailable men who made excuses, upfront, that they were "bad boyfriends" but they'd engage in a relationship with me anyway. I was burned during those too, until I learned once burned, twice shy. Have you been told that? Were these friends just being honest or trying to excuse themselves from any culpability in case you get hurt?
bluefeather Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Are these women just being honest? yup. short and easy answer. When they tell you that they are a certain way, believe them. 3
preraph Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Yeah. It's a way of saying "I warned you I wasn't going to be responsible and considerate, so if you stay, it's your own fault." I had an inconsiderate friend who finally found validation through her therapist who told her (allegedly) that she couldn't help being late and not being responsible and not being courteous about giving a heads-up, and after that, she didn't even try. When she was younger, she was at least in control of herself enough to get through med school, so it's just a way of saying "I'm all about me. If you don't like it, don't befriend me." My advice: Say "Thanks for the warning. That would drive me crazy. Have a nice life." 2
carhill Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Why do people call themselves a bad friend, right out of the gate? IME, it usually stems from low self esteem or a social hack or a combination of both. The result is a disclaimer which can be carried forward indefinitely, kind of like the practically illegible fine print in a contract of adhesion. Hey, we put it in there so it's on you buddy. Avoid. 2
basil67 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Agree with the previous posts. If someone acknowledges they are a bad friend, believe them. 2
shoplocal Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 People like that, or people who say 'I'm so bad with names, I'm going to forget yours in a few minutes' are ones I take with a grain of salt. They're not bad people, but everyone is a good friend to someone, and remembers certain people's names. If I find I'm not in that category for them, I know not to take them seriously, and not to include them in my personal life -- ie, no invites to hang out unless it's in a group where their presence doesn't matter one way or the other, etc. When Maya Angelou died, one of her quotes became a well-shared meme: "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." I've recalled that many a time since her passing, and it's served me well every time.
mrldii Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 ...Were these friends just being honest or trying to excuse themselves from any culpability in case you get hurt? Both. And, then some. Establishing, upfront, that they will not be held to any standard more than they, themselves, are willing to provide to being a friend, at any given moment. And, once you (as a friend) become more of a chore to maintain than someone to be used, they'll dump you. And, know it's OK, 'cuz they *warned* ya, going in. IF I were to even respond at all to it the first time I heard it, it would be to say, "Oh, sorry...I'm an adult, now so I prefer to engage in adult relationships" and then have no further contact with them. Good luck, OP... 2
avintagegirl Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 It is a lazy way to manage friendship expectations. 1
Wewon Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Its a way to let themselves off the hook for irresponsible or negligable behavior. Closely related to: "I warn you, I'm horribly disorganized, so its up to you to..." "I'm really forgetful so be sure to remind me that..." "I've got let you know, I'm bad with names, so you'll have to..." See the pattern? They all are a way to exempt themselves from basic self management and put the onus back on to you.
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