The miscommunication between two shy (and borderline depressed) people

[mineral27]

There's this guy I like a lot, he's a waiter at a place I go to and for months he tried to joke and talk to me. Although I'm practically crazy about him, I was too shy and instantly brain dead, unable to reply anything coherent. He's a bit shy as well, and he kept thinking he was annoying me with his jokes, yet kept trying, until I pulled myself together one day and we actually started talking - in real, as well as online. At that point, the chemistry between us was damn obvious and we also have a lot to talk about.

We went on dates, but we were both too shy to actually 'make a move' (and he's a bit old fashioned).

However, shortly after first few dates, we were both absent for a long time (vacation & business trips) for 6 weeks altogether, there was no more daily communication, only every few days.

 

In last few months we talked on and off, went on dates, but nothing very consistent. I keep asking myself if he lost interest, because things don't progress (on any level, except depth of conversations).

Yet, whenever we go out, he always insists on paying (despite being in a though financial situation). A guy wouldn't do that for a girl he lost interest in, I guess? Why didn't he make a move by now then? Few of my (male) friends said, however, that girls like me who are attractive and are pursuing a PhD in STEM tend to intimidate guys - but I find this hard to believe, and some other friends agree with me.

 

However, the biggest problem with this guy and me is that we're both shy, very reserved and unfortunately, both got into extremely stressful life situations in these last few months. Plus, we're both completely burned out (at job), to the point of being depressed - which is when we start to avoid each other and other people. If we wouldn't be both in the same boat, the other one would've given up already, imo.

He replies inconsistently, goes silent for days (then feels ashamed?), but otherwise shows interest.

I always reply, but at the same time am well aware of giving off mixed signals myself, however unintentionally. When he says something nice etc. I tend to freeze sometimes and even got so anxious once to sort of flee at the end of date when I thought something more would happen. No idea what happened ... I'm crazy about him!

 

I tried to fix the mistake by inviting him to my place in a few days, which he seemed excited about, but then he cancelled last minute, saying he doesn't feel well. We were chatting on facebook that very evening for hours, seemed like he was really stressed out ... at some point of conversation he didn't write back for 15 min or so and I, well, panicked. Got this instantly feeling that maybe I was 'pushing' with inviting him and wrote something in a sense 'if I'm pushing anything, that he should just let me know.' Well, I did it in a trying-to-be-friendly, non-dramatic way at least.

However, he didn't reply - it's been ten days and now I deactivated facebook (he's got my phone number though) ...

 

- - -

 

Will he think I gave up? Should I?

 

Is there just a lot of confusion in our communication, or he lost interest?

 

What's the best to do - just wait and do nothing?

And when I eventually go to the place he works at (probably in a week), should I just say something casual, like 'hey, what's going on with you (lately)?' or intentionally avoid running into him?

Edited November 30, 2015 by mineral27

[SwordofFlame]

Has he had a girlfriend before? If so, he should know what to do if he wants you to be his girlfriend.

 

If not, this relationship probably won't work because nothing will ever happen between you two shy people. One of you needs to be a lot more assertive.

[mineral27]

Yeah, I am actually thinking of ending this confusion with a direct, open message, something along the lines:

 

Here's the thing; I like you a lot.

 

I don't understand why you disappear every now and then and I find it super confusing.

At this point, I just wanted to make things clear (from my side).

If I misinterpreted some things, then just take it as a compliment and let's leave it at that.

 

It's all good

 

 

 

Do you think it's a good idea or no?

Waiting to randomly bump into him at a bar, I fear, will just end up in more confusing situation and that's not really a good place or time to discuss this.

Edited November 30, 2015 by mineral27

[DoesntGetIt]

Yeah, I am actually thinking of ending this confusion with a direct, open message, something along the lines:

 

Here's the thing; I like you a lot.

 

I don't understand why you disappear every now and then and I find it super confusing.

At this point, I just wanted to make things clear (from my side).

If I misinterpreted some things, then just take it as a compliment and let's leave it at that.

 

It's all good

 

 

 

Do you think it's a good idea or no?

Waiting to randomly bump into him at a bar, I fear, will just end up in more confusing situation and that's not really a good place or time to discuss this.

 

There's probably nothing wrong with that approach, but maybe slightly different.

 

"I just wanted to reach out and say that I miss talking with you. I know that life can get crazy sometimes, tough other times, and I just want you to know that you can always talk to me if you need or want to. I'm here for you <name>. I hope you're well, <your name>"

 

that way it doesn't have to be a direct "do you like me or not" type of situation, taking some of the pressure off of him.

[mineral27]

There's probably nothing wrong with that approach, but maybe slightly different.

 

"I just wanted to reach out and say that I miss talking with you. I know that life can get crazy sometimes, tough other times, and I just want you to know that you can always talk to me if you need or want to. I'm here for you <name>. I hope you're well, <your name>"

 

that way it doesn't have to be a direct "do you like me or not" type of situation, taking some of the pressure off of him.

 

I agree, it's pretty direct and potentially pressure inducing. But this has been going on for months and I am slightly going insane.

 

Putting pressure on him, if he's really so stressed, might cause him to back off further, that's true. But then again, aaargh, I'm also under enormous pressure from all the things in my life and can write back sooner than in 10 days. :/ I have tried to make him feel better, get him to talk more about his problems ... not sure about how much progress I made.

And honestly, I have no idea what to think - is it just a plot of my imagination that he likes me - although with all the hints etc.?

 

After so much time and confusion I think I must be direct, but in as non-threatening way as possible ...

[kassy]

I say go with your original version. It's clear and honestly he's either in or out at this point I reckon. I mean you sound like this is the final effort for you so I wouldn't make it vague so he gives you a vague response that gets you no closer to an answer in either direction.

[mineral27]

... so he gives you a vague response that gets you no closer to an answer in either direction.

 

That's what I'm afraid will happen yet again, if I'm not direct enough ...

[AspenBaldwin]

Grab his face an kiss him deeply, see if he kisses you back.

[mineral27]

aspen, as much I'd like to do that, I don't think I can just walk into the bar and 'jump the gun' ...

I think it's a good idea to try to avoid getting arrested for sexual harassment of an employee

 

If I want to meet with him, I either have to initiate (again, and again he may find a reason to cancel or take days to reply) or wait for ages before he does something, if anything.

Edited November 30, 2015 by mineral27

[mineral27]

On the other hand, I am asking myself if he's really not replying and cancelled our dates few times because he's under so much stress, or is it just an appropriate excuse I tell myself? (I do have a history of overanalyzing, yeah :/ ) I know my actions are also confusing at times, but still I think all in all, I am obvious enough for him to know I'm into him.

This is going on for too long, I'm feeling like I'm going insane. I am starting to think if he's just unavailable, and if I'm finding excuses?

 

There's one more thing I can't get off my mind ... I bumped into an acquaintance (who's a psychotherapist) a month or two ago and when she asked me what's going on in my life, if I have a bf etc. I briefly mentioned the situation with this guy. She doesn't know me very well, but she just said "You tend to pick guys that are just like you; the ones who crave intimacy, but are afraid of it." This is sort of haunting me tbh.

 

I'm thinking she might be right, but am completely clueless what to do, if this is true?

Edited November 30, 2015 by mineral27

[mineral27]

I went for quick drinks today and saw him at a nearby bar on a drink with his friends. He didn't see me, but on my way back I passed the bar again and he just left and went into my direction.

However, it was really dark and if I wouldn't be very attentive knowing I'm passing that bar again, I probably wouldn't have seen him pass me by.

Well, I saw him and said Hi, but he either didn't see/hear me or ignored (??). I was walking with a friend and she claims I should have been louder ... ?

 

Also, this same friend has been with me previously at bar he works at and she says she's got a good feeling about him, but that he may have low self-esteem.

 

 

Everything is getting just more and more confusing ... I have no idea what to think?

[xcupid]

I think you're investing too much time with this and it's not going anywhere. If he were interested he'd contact you even if he's shy or reserved.

[mineral27]

I think you're investing too much time with this and it's not going anywhere. If he were interested he'd contact you even if he's shy or reserved.

 

Yeah, I am investing too much time thinking about this.

 

However, a male friend wants to go to a concert next week, which is at the bar where this guy is working.

My male friend doesn't know about this situation and I just don't feel like I should intentionally avoid going to the bar.

But it might get awkward ...

 

I don't understand why a shy guy would try that much at the beginning if he's ultimately not interested?

We have been both silent for 2 weeks before (two months ago and I was still interested, but honestly just too stressed out/depressed to want to be around people, and when I eventually saw him he was even worse than me ... however, when I saw him today with his friends he seemed quite ok now).

 

Anyway, considering I'll probably see him next week at the bar, but can't really talk to him there - should I just try to contact him before (to meet for drinks?) then speak my mind?

Edited December 1, 2015 by mineral27

[mineral27]

However, a male friend wants to go to a concert next week, which is at the bar where this guy is working.

My male friend doesn't know about this situation and I just don't feel like I should intentionally avoid going to the bar.

But it might get awkward ...

 

I don't understand why a shy guy would try that much at the beginning if he's ultimately not interested?

We have been both silent for 2 weeks before (two months ago and I was still interested, but honestly just too stressed out/depressed to want to be around people, and when I eventually saw him he was even worse than me ... however, when I saw him today with his friends he seemed quite ok now).

 

Anyway, considering I'll probably see him next week at the bar, but can't really talk to him there - should I just try to contact him before (to meet for drinks?) then speak my mind?

 

... or should I just send a message to clear things up (tell him I like him, but am confused about the whole situation), without trying to meet?

 

 

Anyone?? I'd really appreciate any advice!