Why does ex want to stay in touch when she broke up with me?

[romantic_fool]

It's now been 5 months since my GF broke up with me, after we had been together for 4 years. It was extremely painful for me and I'm still hurting. We were the perfect couple although being in a LDR for the last 2 years was difficult. She could not explain why she broke up with me only that she did not feel the same way any more...even though a large part of her felt she was making a mistake to do so. She explained that she very much wanted to stay friends. After unsuccessfully pleading and sobbing for a couple of months to try and get her back, I decided to follow the overwhelming advice and do NC. I did, however, reply to her occasional emails with short responses out of courtesy (always positive, upbeat and friendly in tone). But did not call her even when she asked me to do so because, quite frankly, too painful for me to hear her voice.

 

Recently, heard nothing from her for 3 weeks (and I resisted all urges to contact her) - felt like an eternity and I was nervous that maybe she had cut me completely out of her life. Then this past week she sends me a voicemail and we swap a couple of emails in which she concludes with the following type of lines: "I am hoping to see you in Toronto or New York some time soon"; "Call me when you return"; "I look forward to catching up with you over the phone, maybe on the weekend". And she sends me her new office phone number and email address.

 

Why is she so keen to stay in touch with me? Can I read anything into this? Or is it just platitudes? Maybe relief on her part that she thinks I am over the hump and moving on so we can now have a more casual (rather than formal) friendship? Should I talk with her if she calls (even if only for a few minutes before making an excuse to cut the conversation short)? Surely she must know how much this is hurting me?

 

I know that I could tell her that I do not want her to contact me any more unless she wants to resurrect our relationship and she would instantly close the door on all communications but I very much want to keep the door slightly ajar so that she does not forget about me and knows that I have not forgotten about her (while also showing her that I am getting on with my life in a constructive way). Nothing heavy that would push her away - just brief, polite responses to any messages she sends me that subtely reiterate the sparkle/humour/intelligence and other qualities she loved (loves?) about me. Is this so wrong?

 

By way of background, my story is on the following thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=59495

[Treasa]

I don't know what her intentions are, so I caution you against reading into anything. However, I think the NC and the pleasant but short replies were excellent. At this point I think you should continue what you've been doing, but don't meet up with her. Your expectations will be raised, even if you don't think they will be, and if things don't turn out how you want them to, you'll be crushed. If she calls you, answer, but keep it pleasant and short. If she starts trying harder, then it's time to start reading into things.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by romantic_fool

but I very much want to keep the door slightly ajar so that she does not forget about me and knows that I have not forgotten about her

She's doing the same. She also knows that by contacting and staying in contact with you she's preventing you from moving on. If she just wanted to stay friends with you, she could say:"Listen, I'd like to keep you in my life, but only as a friend. If you can handle this, then that's cool, if not, maybe we should go separate ways."

 

I didn't go back to read your whole thread again, but I remember you said that you had help her financially to get into the school that she wanted to get into and then she dumped you. See, a really nice person wouldn't do this.

 

Stop contact with her and she'll come crawling back. Her actions betray her as a weak person, these are the kind who can't stand on her own. As long as she hasn't found someone else, as long she will keep you around. Maybe even after she found someone else, just in case the new relationship doesn't work out. I mean, she probably considers you a good catch, you have money, you are generous with it, you are in love with her and therefore easy to control - she's got a seat reserved for you on the backburner.

 

A strong person would have left you and not bothered you with phone calls or anything if that prevented you from moving on, it's the ones who want to keep you as a second option that insist on being friends. They will give you mixed signals that leave you confused. They are not necessarily bad people, but my belief is that when you get mixed signals, it's because they want to keep you around and that is irrespective of the reason why they broke up with you - maybe they are unsure about you without wanting to be mean (you could have some very undesirable traits that despite your other phantastic qualities make them doubt you) or they simply want to know if the grass is really greener on the other side - one thing is sure though, they're not willing yet to let go.

 

From the description that I got from your ex I don't like her. That's why I would recommend you to take a really hard look at her.

[westernxer]

Dude, stop making things so complicated.

 

It's either/or, and nothing in between. The in-between stuff will kill you slowly, plus it's a waste of time when you could be dating other people.

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by westernxer

Dude, stop making things so complicated.

 

It's either/or, and nothing in between. The in-between stuff will kill you slowly, plus it's a waste of time when you could be dating other people.

 

Good advice Westernxer. Don't try to figure things out. Just take care of you and find another.

 

Peace...

[wow]

She is stringing you along so put your foot down and decide what you want then do it.

 

If you want her then tell her and if she accepts then great, if not walk away and neva look back.

[CurlyIam]

Get closure if you didn't have it by now, ask her all the sordid details of your break up and then install ruthless NC!

 

My 2 cents,

 

Curly