mineandyours Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I got to know someone recently who I thought was a nice guy and that we had a lot of things in common. There were a lot of warning factors that he probably only wanted something casual though, like he first only texted me very sporadically after I gave him my number. Suggested at first to come by my house or I could to his in the evening. I managed to get him to meet me outside and take me out. The first time we met went ok although he pretty quickly went into kissing me. Never told me his intentions, never mentioned kissing me in general, just continued our conversation. When I said wow that is pretty fast he said well he works hard plays hard and the like... Oh well I thought, this is pretty clear. But I thought I might get him to actually be interested in a bit more than just having fun by spending time with him. Second time we met is when things went out of control. We went out for drinks (again he was first suggesting my place but I insisted on going out). He talked a bit about a previous girlfriend, then we were joking around with other people in the bar that this might be our 'third date'. I asked if these are actually dates and he only said he rather doesn't put labels on things... That's when I became very suspicious. However we had a good time and he kept insisting that most places were pretty full and noisy at this time and why don't we relax a bit at home. I said ok well this could still be innocent. Once there however he pretty much pushed for it and well...we ended in bed. I don't want to say I regretted it or that it wasn't good, but I now struggle a bit with the feeling of how he pushed for it and I let myself be fooled into doing something I didn't want to do. He acted so reasonable and I knew what was going on but still went down that road. This has never happened to me before and I want to know should I have drawn the line so much earlier given his behaviour? Is there actually a point of engaging with a guy when it becomes apparent early on that he isn't really interested in getting to know you?
DoesntGetIt Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I hate to say this, but it seems like you wanted it too, but you just didn't want to feel like a casual hookup. If someone says something cheesy like "I work hard to play hard" you already know what they are. If they try to hang out at either house for the first date, you know what it is. If he asks you back to his place, you know what it is. And no, someone like that isn't going to change or respect you. 1
LilaMarie Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 but I now struggle a bit with the feeling of how he pushed for it and I let myself be fooled into doing something I didn't want to do. He acted so reasonable and I knew what was going on but still went down that road. This has never happened to me before and I want to know should I have drawn the line so much earlier given his behaviour? Is there actually a point of engaging with a guy when it becomes apparent early on that he isn't really interested in getting to know you? Should you drawn the line earlier? If are too weak to resist or say no when it's "something I didn't want to do" then perhaps yes. I am going to guess you are young or a pushover, and that is why you have trouble speaking up. You live and learn. 1
MidwestUSA Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I don't see anything that says he 'acted reasonable'. Everything he did was leading up to what happened. All you can do is learn from this. Know the signs, and avoid if you don't want to end up in the same situation. Don't beat yourself up over it. Happens to the best of us. 1
CarrieT Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Don't be surprised if you never hear from him again. Everything he did screamed of pushing for just sex.... 1
Author mineandyours Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 Yes of course I wasn't completely against it, like I said it was nice. I'd rather gotten to know him better though, it wasn't exactly in my plan. And no, I'm not a pushover (what kind of a suggestion is that even?Is everyone who gets seduced a pushover?) I think I was clearly lacking the experience on how to deal with someone like him. Hence my question. But yes I guess all I can do is learn from this :-)
kendahke Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 He gave you every sign that he was into smashing and dashing. He was consistently upfront on that point. I think you let yourself down by telling yourself a lie about him and sticking to it. 1
Glitters Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 His seduction worked. He did his job pretty well. You got seduced. You chose to ignore the signs because he was at his best game plan. 1
xcupid Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 All the signs were there that he wanted sex. You ignored them or excused them probably because of your inexperience. Next time, set your boundaries and stick to them. 1
kendahke Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 (what kind of a suggestion is that even? I think it was a very pointed and on target observation/suggestion, since you said: I thought, this is pretty clear. But I thought I might get him to actually be interested in a bit more than just having fun by spending time with him. How, exactly, when he'd been making himself plain as day? He didn't want more from you. Is everyone who gets seduced a pushover?) No. But those who think they can use sex to manipulate someone who doesn't want a romantic relationship with them into entering into a romantic relationship with them push aside and discount their interests for no good return on that investment. He wanted easy pink and you pushed-over your interests to accommodate his--by trying to sex him into a relationship; you can't sex a man into a relationship he has no intention on being in. 1
katiegrl Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Yes I'd rather gotten to know him better though, it wasn't exactly in my plan. And no, I'm not a pushover ...what kind of a suggestion is that even? Is everyone who gets seduced a pushover? Well....if such seduction occurred against their better judgment and gut feelings ...then sorry but yes such person would be considered a *pushover.". At least in that instance. My opinion. But please don't beat yourself up.. You are alive, and learned a valuable lesson.... Next time, don't ignore that *little voice.". There were red flags waving straight from the get go. 1
Author mineandyours Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 I think you are going a bit far kendahke. I wanted advice on how to better draw a line the next time :-) not have someone explain all the faults I made in this matter. I know very well I was silly there, no need to rub it in. As for relationship, wth? Who on earth thinks of relationships so early on? lol! I certainly wasn't, I wanted to get to know him, that's all. I didn't want to completely write him off. If you don't have something supportive or kind to say, why don't you rather leave it. It doesn't feel good when you seek support and get accused instead. 1
Glitters Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 As for relationship, wth? Who on earth thinks of relationships so early on? lol! I certainly wasn't, I wanted to get to know him, that's all. I didn't want to completely write him off. So you start to get to know a person by first sleeping with them ? I was with you but now lost it ! 1
TheBathWater Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 The important point to remember going forward is the pain of this memory when you suspect it is about to be repeated, and then consciously choose to draw a boundary, say no, delay sex until several dates in when the connection is deepened, etc... in order to avoid repeating this situation. Don't be fooled by the "this time/this person might be different" rationales that will come up. Seducers know that people will act against their own standards if they can get them hot enough, and if the person is longing for a connection. It is really hard to say no when emotions are charged, people are aroused, and opportunity is right there in front of you. If alcohol is involved, it's basically a done deal. Don't even bother with guys like this. You will not change them or feel good about yourself afterward. Find a guy who is nice to you, connects with you, and is more respectful of the process of connection. 2
smackie9 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 He's a player: 1) doesn't text between dates/you are forced to initiate 2) overly confident/cocky 3) Talks about sexual things he want to do to you 4) would rather/suggest meeting at his place or yours. 5) his past is a mystery 6) doesn't introduce you to friends/family 7) pushes for sex 8) doesn't want to put labels on anything 9) avoids talk about exclusivity 10) doesn't care about your feelings 11) bails on you 12) has a lot of female friends 13) hides his phone I think #1 speaks volumes on his level of interest. And that's when you should just drop him. Giving someone the benefit of a doubt is denial and gets you into trouble. 3
introverted1 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Ignore him. Many of his posts come off as insensitive and smug. I'm speaking from first hand experience. I think Kendahke is female. Either way the comments are pretty accurate. OP, no one is trying to make you feel bad but it's pretty clear that this guy revealed what he wanted from the start, you went along knowingly and willingly, and then after-the-fact tried to paint it as you having been taken advantage of. There's nothing wrong with NSA sex but you are only working against your own interests if you engage in NSA sex with the thought that you are going to change a situation from what it obviously is. I got to know someone recently who I thought was a nice guy and that we had a lot of things in common. There were a lot of warning factors that he probably only wanted something casual though, like he first only texted me very sporadically after I gave him my number. Suggested at first to come by my house or I could to his in the evening. I managed to get him to meet me outside and take me out. The first time we met went ok although he pretty quickly went into kissing me. Never told me his intentions, never mentioned kissing me in general, just continued our conversation. When I said wow that is pretty fast he said well he works hard plays hard and the like... Oh well I thought, this is pretty clear. But I thought I might get him to actually be interested in a bit more than just having fun by spending time with him. Second time we met is when things went out of control. We went out for drinks (again he was first suggesting my place but I insisted on going out). He talked a bit about a previous girlfriend, then we were joking around with other people in the bar that this might be our 'third date'. I asked if these are actually dates and he only said he rather doesn't put labels on things... That's when I became very suspicious. However we had a good time and he kept insisting that most places were pretty full and noisy at this time and why don't we relax a bit at home. I said ok well this could still be innocent. Once there however he pretty much pushed for it and well...we ended in bed. I don't want to say I regretted it or that it wasn't good, but I now struggle a bit with the feeling of how he pushed for it and I let myself be fooled into doing something I didn't want to do. He acted so reasonable and I knew what was going on but still went down that road. This has never happened to me before and I want to know should I have drawn the line so much earlier given his behaviour? Is there actually a point of engaging with a guy when it becomes apparent early on that he isn't really interested in getting to know you? If you look at the bits in bold, it is abundantly clear that you knew he was not interested in anything more than quickie sex, which you agreed to. If that's not what you want, then next time take your time to properly date someone and get to know him before you have sex. 2
RedRobin Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I am going to take a little different tack than the others on this... Number one, you shouldn't have to read between the lines on anyone's intentions. I am not sure why it is always up to women to interpret and dissect rather than be told straight up. He wasn't straight up. He made things vague. That is the area that all con men and manipulators like to reside. Unfortunately, there is lots of grey area when you are just getting to know someone. Why all the burden should be on the woman is beyond me... The guy is an ass. Plain and simple. That said, anyone... Man or woman... Should be on the lookout for manipulative, deceptive people. The people who swim in this vague, wishy washy land as long as possible. There is no shame in shrugging your shoulders and going 'meh, what the hell, I haven't had sex in awhile... He'll do" The thought has occurred to me a few times myself. The thing is, the world is full of idiot guys like this one. Don't waste your time with anyone who feels the need to be vague and dance around issues. He could have said straight up what he was interested in, but didn't. That makes him a liar, that's all. If he calls you again, just ignore him. Date guys who are more upfront. 1
kendahke Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I think you are going a bit far kendahke. I wanted advice on how to better draw a line the next time :-) not have someone explain all the faults I made in this matter. I know very well I was silly there, no need to rub it in. The way you draw a better line is to not abandon your best interests for someone whose interests are not at all in alignment with yours. As for relationship, wth? Who on earth thinks of relationships so early on? lol! I certainly wasn't, I wanted to get to know him, that's all. I didn't want to completely write him off. The point of wanting him to get to know you better was for what, exactly? To consider you for a FWB? Is that what you wanted out of him? Oh hey--my bad. You didn't make that clear in your post. Carry on then. Nothing wrong with getting an itch scratched *if* that what you went into this to do in the first place. I didn't get from what you wrote that you were looking for a FWB. I guess wanting to spend time with him so he can get to know you better can speak to wanting FWB. Hmmm.. learn something new every day. If you don't have something supportive or kind to say, why don't you rather leave it. It doesn't feel good when you seek support and get accused instead. No one accused you of anything. Filling your head with a bunch of puff and fluff isn't supporting you, especially when you've already gotten in your feelings over LilaMarie's post by putting out that question about seduction and pushovers. The kind of support you need is for someone to tell you, as I have, to not attempt to use sex to manipulate a man into something he's already given you clear notice that he wasn't interested in doing. Your life will be far, far happier and simpler if you take that advice.
kendahke Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I think Kendahke is female. Either way the comments are pretty accurate. I am and thank you. 1
aprilisi Posted November 30, 2015 Posted November 30, 2015 Always listen to your gut. Mine is never wrong. There have been many times I've ignored it because I liked him. The sweet talk. Also a giant red flag for me is mention of sex early on. If you're dating online and he calls you sexy...run. 1
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