tiredofbeingtheother Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 [font=courier new][/font][color=indigo][/color]OK i was seeing a married man. he left his wife and we have been together 4 months. so he is almost at the end of a divorce with w and they have 2 kids. my problem? hes a doormat. his soon to be xw has screwed him over again and again. she is getting child support and alimony and hes paying her bills! he knows shes using the kids to take all of his money and i mean damn near all but he wont do anything about it. i guess he feels guilty about the divorce. but its hard for me to stand by and watch him being screwed over by the money grubbing b%$#@ , but what can i do? should i tell him i just dont want to know the details anymore? we are planning on getting married next year, is this any of my business? he tells me so i guess it is. he makes alot more $$ than her. but i think she doesnt deserve anything because she never took care of him she always nagged him she just recently started working she wont even clean the house. she said she wanted a civil divorce and then she goes after everything he has including stuff that is his and she promised to leave alone. i know i cant change him so how do i change my reaction to it?
kkat Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 I know when I lived with my ex-MM while he was (supposedly) getting a divorce, I felt frustrated with the money situation between he and his wife. She did the same thing, including sending the kids to school everyday with no lunch money so that he or I would have to drive an hour to give them money. So, I can relate to your feelings but.... You asked how you can change your reaction to it. I'll make some suggestions. First, accept that since you are involved with someone with a past (technically current) marriage, and children, that there is baggage and obligation that is part of the picture. Accept that. Your boyfriend has an obligation to her, being that she is still his wife, including a legal one, maybe a guilt-driven one, and it doesn't include her being paid to clean the house she lives in. Then, perhaps maybe you could feel some compassion for her? I'm sure when she married him, this wasn't what she wanted the outcome to be. Now her husband is gone, living with you right away, planning to marry you. Alot of people in that situation wouldn't be getting out of bed, much less cleaning their houses! Perhaps feel and express respect for him for not leaving her broke while she's trying to move on. Remember, if she is able to feel better about herself and her financial situation, she will be happier, the child/children will be happier, and he will be happier, feel less guilt, etc. She is the mother of his children, and always will be. You will ALWAYS have to watch him provide for them, unless he is a deadbeat, and if you let it, it will twist you everytime he gives his child/children anything financial. Don't let it make you angry. The money is intended to support her, and the children. To avoid additional resentment, make sure you aren't chipping in to cover his expenses or hers. And since he will have gotten a divorce before you can marry him, you'll know them what the financial obligations will be and whether or not you can accept them. Good luck.
swirlingdaisy Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Originally posted by tiredofbeingtheother [font=courier new][/font][color=indigo][/color]OK i was seeing a married man. he left his wife and we have been together 4 months. so he is almost at the end of a divorce with w and they have 2 kids. my problem? hes a doormat. his soon to be xw has screwed him over again and again. she is getting child support and alimony and hes paying her bills! he knows shes using the kids to take all of his money and i mean damn near all but he wont do anything about it. i guess he feels guilty about the divorce. but its hard for me to stand by and watch him being screwed over by the money grubbing b%$#@ , but what can i do? should i tell him i just dont want to know the details anymore? we are planning on getting married next year, is this any of my business? he tells me so i guess it is. he makes alot more $$ than her. but i think she doesnt deserve anything because she never took care of him she always nagged him she just recently started working she wont even clean the house. she said she wanted a civil divorce and then she goes after everything he has including stuff that is his and she promised to leave alone. i know i cant change him so how do i change my reaction to it? She deserves child support and alimony - why wouldn't she? She's not the one who had the affair and thereby ended the marriage this way, his actions/affair did. Of course he should pay. Of course his children should be well provided for, as should she. I'm sure she didn't stand there at the front of the aisle in church, making her marriage vows to him, expecting that he'd run off one day and screw around on her......destroying the marriage and breaking up the family and hurting the children. Let me guess, you don't have any children of your own and that's why you have such issues with him having to pay child support and alimony. So what she just recently started working...........I'm sure prior to that, she was busy running a household, caring for her family and raising their children - that was her JOB then. You have no idea what kind of wife she was, you only think you know based on what he told you, which very likely isn't the case. And big deal, she won't clean the house....well gee, let's think for a minute......she's likely depressed and dealing with the fact that her whole world has been blown to smithereens by the affair her husband had, by now having to come to grips with the fact that her marriage is over, her husband is boinking his lover (and had been while they were together), and her children are now another statistic of a "broken home." You have no idea whether she truly always nagged him or not.................you only heard his version of the story. Naturally he would have painted her to be a terrible person/wife, in order to justify why he was screwing around on her. Do you actually think he'd have told you that she was a nice, sweet, kind, loving woman and mother to his children, while boinking you on the side and planning for a future with you? Think about it. He made a commitment before her, God and friends/family, to love, honor and cherish her............through better or worse........in good times and in bad..........FORSAKING ALL OTHERS.............til death.............but he chose the coward's way out by having an affair and betraying her and his family. I hope he pays big time for his selfishness and disrespect for his wife and children. I hope she takes him to the cleaners. Why should she and her children now be forced to live a lifestyle that's less than they were living before - all because of the selfish decisions her husband made to cheat on her and have an affair with you? And I think it's amazing that you would consider marrying a man who's already showed you firsthand how "committed" he is to marriage and his marriage vows. Prepare to spend the rest of your married life with him, never knowing if history is repeating itself and you'll end up being the betrayed wife - if he did it once, there's every reason that he'll do it again - when he gets tired of you, wants some excitement, a fresh piece of arse, the thrill of the chase, etc. Good luck !!
SexKitten Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Originally posted by tiredofbeingtheother his soon to be xw has screwed him over again and again. she is getting child support and alimony and hes paying her bills! he knows shes using the kids to take all of his money and i mean damn near all but he wont do anything about it. so let's see what happens after you're married to this guy, have kids, and then he cheats on you with another woman and leaves you for her...just like his last one. see how generous you feel toward him then.
tokyo Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 The title of this thread made me think that you were not aware what kind of man you got involved with... It must be very disappointing to see an affair go through all the hardship of uncertainty of the future and emotional turmoil to finally reach a "good" ending for the other woman only to to make her realize that the ex-MM is a wimp and not the great prize as her adulation for him made him be. He's got a family and no matter how badly you would like to be one item only, there will always be his kids and you should not fool yourself with the delusion that he will stop caring for his kids just because he's with you now.
Author tiredofbeingtheother Posted May 28, 2005 Author Posted May 28, 2005 before you take up for her let me tell some things. first of all i do have 3 children. there biological father pays NO child support so i feel she is lucky to get that. i then married a man who 5 yrs later killed hisself in front of me. as far as the affair , he loved her, they were together a long time. BUT i knew them for years and anyone who knew them could tell you she was an awful wife. she never kept the house clean, she BLEW all of his money and ran him into debt, she wouldnt have sex with him, she nagged him all the time. now , i know and he knows that had she even half ass tried to treat him right, like an actual WIFE, he NEVER NEVER would have messed around with me. i made him smile and treated him like a human being, thats why he left. he got tired of being treated like ****. i try to have compassion for her and for a while i did, i have been cheated on and know it hurts. bad! but i have NO compassion for someone who acts like a child. yes he did wrong but she doesnt accept any blame for what happened. she told her children and i quote "your dads been FUC&^%G T. she tells them every sordid detail trying to turn this wonderful fathers children against him. just because she was on the raw side of this doesnt make her an angel.
Author tiredofbeingtheother Posted May 28, 2005 Author Posted May 28, 2005 you dont know me so why be angry? did your husband cheat? is that my fault? nope. i didnt ask for criticism. and i DO know what happened because i was friends with both of them for 9 years. me and my h hung out with the 2 of them. and he doesnt deserve to be taken to the cleaners. why should he? because he made a mistake by marrying a woman who didnt appreciate him? and i can tell you NO ONE likes her. NO ONE agrees with how she tries to raise her kids, she lets them run wild! and cleaning a house a job? are you kidding me? i raise kids alone, i work and am the ONLY source of income for my kids and myself, and i go to a university. but unlike selfish people i dont mind, i do it because thats what grown ups do. they dont cry because there money making doormat leaves and forces them to take care of theirselves. and what year do you live in thinking that a man has to take care of a woman? this is 2005 and ALL women should be able to take care of themselves and not rely on a man. i will marry him out of love not money. i can make money myself, but he gives me the love and happiness that money cant buy.
RecordProducer Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Originally posted by tiredofbeingtheother [font=courier new][/font][color=indigo][/color]OK i was seeing a married man. he left his ? i think she doesnt deserve anything because she never took care of him she always nagged him she just recently started working she wont even clean the house. she said she wanted a civil divorce and then she goes after everything he has including stuff that is his and she promised to leave alone. i know i cant change him so how do i change my reaction to it? What she deserves is not up to you to decide on. You've only heard his side of the story. Some day he will say that you nagged about money or whatever you might nag about. She gave birth to two of his kids. She didn't cheat on him or lie. He did! And he left her and his two children. He feels guilty and this is his way of clearing his conscience. Don't interfere, it's his money and his business, his family and ex-wife. Once you're his wife, you will have a say, but not yet. Things will change in the future, don't worry. Change your reaction to zero!
MiChick43 Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 Hopefully this mans wife gets every cent she possibly can. It takes a lot of money to raise children. He was with her when they were conceived. I find this a very selfish post, period. Sounds like this man is going to be paying for several years. Enjoy.
tokyo Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 I still can't help to believe that you are stronger than he is and I doubt he will make up to your expectations. He accepted her behavior for years and just because he's with you now won't change who he is. No matter how strong you are, he won't get stronger by it if you don't support him the right way.
MiChick43 Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 my ex got tossed in jail more times then you can count on both hands, for non-payment of child support. I did not wave one penny of that support. I have decent job in which I was able to support my kids on my own. But that did not stop the courts from hauling him in. He made 70-75K a year and was behind all the time. I heard many times from him how he regretted his decision, leaving for someone else. I put the child support money away for college, for my two kids. Several times his woman had to come up with the money herself to get him out of jail and pay the back child support. Humph, oh well. All this because he decided to marry a child herself and help put her through school. If he had been on his own and struggling, that is one thing. But helping put the OW through college and not paying his child support because of it...there was no mercy on my part. To this day they are still behind, always financially. They fight. He still calls me. I tell him to take it up with his wife. Im happy, my kids are educated and happy. Life is good.
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