Jacque70 Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 I just broke up with my BF last night and haven't been able to sleep. I'm confused and frustrated with how things turned out and don't even know where to begin. I understand now that its really over but this has been one of the most confusing relationships I've ever had. Just to give you a brief background, we started dating three months ago. We have a lot in common, more than anyone I've ever dated. And I really liked him and my friends even thought that we would end up together (this is big too because my friends have never said that about anyone else I've dated). We were getting along really well and I trusted him early on because he seemed so honest and sincere. He introduced me to his family and early on had indicated he was ready to meet the right person and settle down (he's 38 and never been married) and he was surprised he met me and told me how great I was. Then he started backing off a bit but things were still really good between us. About a month and a half in he started freaking out about committment and I told him to take some time to figure out what he wanted and that I wasn't pressuring him. Then he came back to me telling me how much he missed me and wanted to be together. Things went well for a month or so and then he started acting the same again and I told him that I couldn't handle his indecision. He was really upset, and even was teary eyed and visibly upset. He come back saying he made his decisions out of fear and didn't want to do that anymore and he was sorry. Since I thought he was really the one, although it went against my better judgement, I decided to give him another chance. That was two weeks ago, and this week I could just tell he was backing off again and acting distant - not loving and attentive. How could he have changed his mind so quickly? I see now its a pattern and broke it off for good. And this time he even seemed relieved. What I don't understand is why he didn't just go away and stay away if I wasn't what he wanted. I had even asked him to figure his stuff out before coming back. Now I feel so stupid. His actions seem like someone afraid of commitment. I've been in two pretty healthy long term relationships before but all of his seemed to end within 6 months and he hadn't dated anyone before me in years - saying he had been hurt in a previous break up. I'd like to think its not me but my self esteem has taken a blow by this man and I just don't know what to think. Any thoughts? Confused and dazed.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 What I don't understand is why he didn't just go away and stay away if I wasn't what he wanted. You are what he wanted. It was the long-term commitment part that he didn't want. That's why he came back. I expect he thought he would be able to benefit from the relationship without having to give you what you wanted from it. Best you moved on - I expect you aren't the first person who has been through this with him, and probably not the last either.
lindya Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Getting involved with someone who likes to bang on about their commitment phobia can result in your self confidence being very insidiously eaten away. Self-defined commitment phobics often need to portray their partners as possessive or (that dreadful word) "co-dependent" in order to sustain the self-image they have cultivated - ie of being a free spirit who lives in fear of being tied down by lesser mortals. This man's "commitment phobia" maybe came from a repressed fear that if the relationship continued for much longer, he might end up needing you more than you needed him. It sounds as if you're a pretty well balanced person, and I would say that by edging him out of your life early on you've probably dodged a bullet.
Author Jacque70 Posted May 28, 2005 Author Posted May 28, 2005 Thanks. I know you’re probably right. It’s just hard to see that for whatever reason he can’t be the one I want. I know it’s better to move on earlier than later. I doubt he’ll change any time soon and definitely not for me. The thing is he doesn’t like to think he is commitment phobic and maybe he isn’t. He claims to want to get married. But this time I felt like he came back just to confirm that we weren’t right for each other. I guess it’s just my pride that’s a bit hurt.
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