Author figureitout Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 And yesterday another thing came up that somehow I need to make myself focus on. She called me throughout the day to vent because she may be losing an account with one of her biggest clients because another colleague on it screwed up so bad that the client felt she had gotten too comfortable with them to have allowed this to happen. I know all parties well and have watched this situation evolve. In my original posts I mentioned the fact that her and I reconciled for a short period but split again because she supposedly wasn't ready yet for a relationship and we moved too fast. We all know there are deeper roots behind occurrences of this nature, something else behind that lack of feeling safe etc. The split occurred within 12 hours after we had a conversation about her work and idea to expand on the business she was doing with this other colleague because she felt he was the best thing since sliced bread businesswise. But she was forgetting little things that she had told me were happening with the one account where, despite her being enamored, there appeared to be an indication of laziness and lack of focus on his part. So I suggested to her to maybe wait it out and see how this account worked out before signing up other business with him on it, business which she could win herself anyway so his presence was not a make or break. She flipped, felt I was trying to influence her, control the direction of her business, and that things experienced before our original breakup were rearing their ugly head again, etc.. Sidenotes - we are in the same business; in case it crossed your minds there was no romantic interest there which I am 100% certain of. And here we are. Almost two months later and she is not even speaking to that colleague anymore because of this screw up, due directly to his laziness and lack of focus, which may cost her a huge account. The fact that that conversation two months ago was the impetus for the second break and this situation has occurred drives me crazy and makes me realize she is a bit nuts.
BC1980 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Neither of you want to go NC, but someone has to do it. I've been there myself, so I know it's hard. I ended up ghosting and cutting the guy off, which was the right decision in my case. We had also been going back and forth for months after the breakup. I just didn't feel like he needed an explanation. We had a short convo that ended on a sour note, and I just never spoke to him again. 1
Author figureitout Posted March 19, 2016 Author Posted March 19, 2016 My ex, the dumper, quite literally goes ballistic when I go NC. She goes off on how its a threat because I'm not getting my way (ie presumably us not getting back together) and that strings are attached if we talk. This makes no sense. She was the one who wanted to break up, wanted "space" and,as I came to lear this week, may even be seeing someone else. For those of you that have read and commented on my prior posts I do thank you as the insight has been helpful. I think the best description in a comment was that this is dysfunctional which is probably the most accurate description. I am a very curious person though as to how the mind works and would love opinion or past experiences as to why something like this would happen.
Tayla Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 simple science: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. If you went Nc, then this relay of information would not exist.
BC1980 Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 My ex, the dumper, quite literally goes ballistic when I go NC. She goes off on how its a threat because I'm not getting my way (ie presumably us not getting back together) and that strings are attached if we talk. This makes no sense. She was the one who wanted to break up, wanted "space" and,as I came to lear this week, may even be seeing someone else. If you were actually serious about NC, you would have blocked her. So you would have no idea if she went ballistic. That's the point of NC. You aren't supposed to know what is going on with the other person. As it stands, you seem to do NC to incite a reaction in her. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 My ex, the dumper, quite literally goes ballistic when I go NC. She goes off on how its a threat because I'm not getting my way (ie presumably us not getting back together) and that strings are attached if we talk. This makes no sense. She was the one who wanted to break up, wanted "space" and,as I came to lear this week, may even be seeing someone else. For those of you that have read and commented on my prior posts I do thank you as the insight has been helpful. I think the best description in a comment was that this is dysfunctional which is probably the most accurate description. I am a very curious person though as to how the mind works and would love opinion or past experiences as to why something like this would happen. If you know that she's going ballistic you're not doing it properly. But to answer the question, it's her means of control over you. She freaks, you fold. She freaks, you fold. Wash, rinse and repeat. But yeah, if you are serious about going No Contact for real, then block her. I don't think you are and I think she's somewhat accurate in that you are implementing NC to elicit a reaction from her.
Author figureitout Posted March 20, 2016 Author Posted March 20, 2016 BC1980 & Simon Phoenix - I truly do appreciate your insights as it's always great to get a non-biased third party opinion. I do admit that the first few times I went NC it was with the hopes that, in severing the umbilical cord, she would start to miss out on what we had and that it would possibly allow for time and space to create clarity and allow the negativity to dissipate a bit. And, back in January when I went NC for the longest period - 10 days or so I think - it did just that and we reconciled for a short time. That reconciliation ended as a result of a convo (already discussed here) that led her to believe, in her words, that issues of the past were arising again. The issue being that I was trying to offer advice which she took as an attempt to influence and control which couldn't have been further from the truth. It really hit home this week when she called to vent about what ended up happening with that colleague that a lot of what I've been hearing myself up over causing me to overthink what I've said to her in attempts to see where I went wrong that I am not the sole problem. I offered advice and the situation played out exactly as I knew it would so she can call it control but sometimes experience can foster helpful advice. But I digress. The last few times I have gone NC it has been with the intent to move on with the recognition that our continual talking/texting was not allowing me to do so. As of late it has not been to illicit a reaction as I have now resigned myself and am doing it for me. I can say with certainty that every time we have communicated in any form it was at the behest of her reaching out (since mid-February) vs my reaching out to her. Ghosting is difficult for a few reasons. One is that we work in the same company so there is a likelihood we could run into each other. Also, I have never cut anyone off 100% like doing so here would. Even people I'd consider have done wrong by me; if they have a need I would still offer assistance. I'm a bit overly empathetic for better or worse. She has been abandoned before which is why, when she does go ballistic, I end up caving out of guilt and understanding of what she has been through. But I guess what I am starting to realize finally is that she abandoned us when she decided breaking up and subsequently thinking about dating other people was healthier for her than communicating and working through issues that for any normal couple without emotional baggage left over from a prior relationship would have worked through. It came down to literally 4 fights over the summer for which I am now in recognition were unnecessary and could have been handled better on my part but there was no cheating, no emotional abuse, no throwing things, s^*t there was barely even raised voices. So I realize I could talk until I'm blue but it take two. So no, my most recent attempts at NC have not been to illicit a reaction but I do feel guilt and like a really bad person when she does go ballistic. I just don't really understand why she feels the way she does, a need to control per se, given her mindset about there not being an us anymore. Frankly it's quite infuriating and I have to force myself to be less empathetic towards her.
Author figureitout Posted March 20, 2016 Author Posted March 20, 2016 If you were actually serious about NC, you would have blocked her. So you would have no idea if she went ballistic. That's the point of NC. You aren't supposed to know what is going on with the other person. As it stands, you seem to do NC to incite a reaction in her. You and Simon said similar things so I responded to the both of you in quick reply to the last post.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 BC1980 & Simon Phoenix - I truly do appreciate your insights as it's always great to get a non-biased third party opinion. I do admit that the first few times I went NC it was with the hopes that, in severing the umbilical cord, she would start to miss out on what we had and that it would possibly allow for time and space to create clarity and allow the negativity to dissipate a bit. And, back in January when I went NC for the longest period - 10 days or so I think - it did just that and we reconciled for a short time. That reconciliation ended as a result of a convo (already discussed here) that led her to believe, in her words, that issues of the past were arising again. The issue being that I was trying to offer advice which she took as an attempt to influence and control which couldn't have been further from the truth. It really hit home this week when she called to vent about what ended up happening with that colleague that a lot of what I've been hearing myself up over causing me to overthink what I've said to her in attempts to see where I went wrong that I am not the sole problem. I offered advice and the situation played out exactly as I knew it would so she can call it control but sometimes experience can foster helpful advice. But I digress. The last few times I have gone NC it has been with the intent to move on with the recognition that our continual talking/texting was not allowing me to do so. As of late it has not been to illicit a reaction as I have now resigned myself and am doing it for me. I can say with certainty that every time we have communicated in any form it was at the behest of her reaching out (since mid-February) vs my reaching out to her. Ghosting is difficult for a few reasons. One is that we work in the same company so there is a likelihood we could run into each other. Also, I have never cut anyone off 100% like doing so here would. Even people I'd consider have done wrong by me; if they have a need I would still offer assistance. I'm a bit overly empathetic for better or worse. She has been abandoned before which is why, when she does go ballistic, I end up caving out of guilt and understanding of what she has been through. But I guess what I am starting to realize finally is that she abandoned us when she decided breaking up and subsequently thinking about dating other people was healthier for her than communicating and working through issues that for any normal couple without emotional baggage left over from a prior relationship would have worked through. It came down to literally 4 fights over the summer for which I am now in recognition were unnecessary and could have been handled better on my part but there was no cheating, no emotional abuse, no throwing things, s^*t there was barely even raised voices. So I realize I could talk until I'm blue but it take two. So no, my most recent attempts at NC have not been to illicit a reaction but I do feel guilt and like a really bad person when she does go ballistic. I just don't really understand why she feels the way she does, a need to control per se, given her mindset about there not being an us anymore. Frankly it's quite infuriating and I have to force myself to be less empathetic towards her. You're using your "empathy" as an excuse to stay invested. Except for being at work, there is absolutely no reason to engage her. I mean, the solution is simple -- you just don't want to implement it.
mightycpa Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 No contact is actually the natural resting state of former couples. There is really nothing to feel bad about. Life goes on for both of you, and that's ok. In fact, that is the intent of at least one of you... to not be tied at the hip. Of all the long-term girlfriends I ever had, there's only one I stay in contact with, and that's because we were never emotionally serious. The rest? It's been years, not because of hard feelings or spite or anything like that... it's more like who's got the time? Who's got the interest? Life is like a salad bar. You might start out with lettuce, because it's the first item you're presented with, but you don't move down, then try something else, and then keep going back to the beginning to pile more lettuce on your plate. You leave the lettuce behind, and keep moving down the line, selecting new and better tasting items until your plate is full, and you're finally ready for the salad dressing! Nothing could be more natural. Don't worry about it.
Recommended Posts