Author basha Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 I remember a few months ago I was snooping on my new girlfriend's Twitter account to see she had posted pictures of her and some shirtless guy roaming sand dunes together. I confronted her about it immediately. She denied any romantic involvement, of course, until she admitted a day later she was cheating on me with him. Bottom line: trust your gut. This person made me feel uneasy right from the start. I even tried to end things with her before they got serious. She pursued me relentlessly and told me she was "the most loyal girlfriend ever" and I wouldn't regret being with her. It was literally right after we made things official she cheated on me. Yeah, trust your gut. Wow!! I'm so sorry that happened. How are you doing? That was really ****ty on her part. May I ask why you went against your gut and pursued making it official anyway? For me I stayed for about a month or so after I started to feel something was off because I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and a chance to communicate. I also wanted concrete proof before calling him out on his lies and making a decision because I didn't want to just start accusing him in case my gut was wrong.
katiegrl Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 (edited) Is there ever a good reason to snoop? Is snooping ever excusable? Last week I found out that my SO of almost a year has been keeping a HUGE secret from me. It's the reason why he has lied or otherwise omitted information on several occasions and now I know why there has been this unexplainable (to me) constant strain in our relationship. He is angry that I snooped, I'm angry that he deceived me. I wasn't snooping when I discovered the information, even though he is convinced that I was, but that's neither here nor there because I looked through it anyway. I did it because I started having my suspicions. It was a "woman's intuition" gut feeling kind of thing and I was right. Now, I don't think I was wrong for snooping. I asked him about the issue several times in the past and he continued to lie, knowing I trusted him fully. The way I see it, you can't blame someone for snooping when you have given them a reason to. You are the one in the wrong for being dishonest and manipulative. Had I not found out, he would have continued to deceive me and, if things worked out, taken my future into his hands without me knowing any better. ----- ***He said he didn't tell me because I wouldn't have given him a chance if I had known, and now he doesn't know if we have a future because he can't trust me. That I should have waited for him to come out with it, when he was ready and at the right time. I call BS.*** What do you guys think? I call BS too for the reasons Buddhist posted. But my question to you is, now that you've discovered he wasn't honest and is so secretive ....lied? ..... in response to him saying he is not sure you have a future together because you snooped .....why didn't you say......... "That makes two of us, cause I don't know if I wish to be with someone who keeps secrets, isn't honest and lies." And then left. Why *do* you want to be with a man like that? So what if HE doesn't see a future, you shouldn't either! IMHO. Edited November 29, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 For the record I don't nor have I ever ASKED about his or any man's financial situation. Who does that??? It was just something that naturally came up when talking about our careers, goals and future (where we want to live, house we want to buy, etc.) so that is why I was intrigued by your question. Is this not the norm? He didn't lie, he kept his finance private. Not same thing. If you've asked him directly how much he owes in credit cards and he said 0 when he actually owes 20k that's a lie. Your talk of marriage was just talk. When a couple is getting serious they talk about moving in together and they give themselves a date. When you know you will be moving in together in 6 months then it's time to ask questions about financial situation. In the dating stage it's no one concerns. Yes you may consider your 'marriage talk' serious but they were not as they didn't include a date and a plan. Your reaction to your boyfriend is more about his shaky financial situation than about him keeping his finance private. If a man I had been dating 1 year told me he came across my bank account and asked why I didn't tell him I spend so much at the veterinary he would get a big It's not your D business! 2
katiegrl Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Gaeta...I got the feeling (OP's post no. 10) that this "omission" culminated in actual lies about various other things. I could be wrong. 1
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Discovered some things about his past marriage and daughter so, by extension, lies about his finances and schedule/whereabouts. I agree, I snooped because something did feel off. For the past month or so his stories weren't adding up and weirdness in his tone/body language and everything whenever I had questions. You are right though, I admit I did get insecure to trust when I got the feeling that something wasn't right, but for 9-10 months or so I was never that way and had no problem at all trusting him. I had 110% confidence in him and in our relationship up until recently. What are those whereabouts? and inconsistencies? what did he lie to you about? Is it something like dropping at his ex to pay his child support or it's about him taking her out to dinner? Big difference. 1
TheBathWater Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 (edited) Wow!! I'm so sorry that happened. How are you doing? That was really ****ty on her part. May I ask why you went against your gut and pursued making it official anyway? For me I stayed for about a month or so after I started to feel something was off because I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and a chance to communicate. I also wanted concrete proof before calling him out on his lies and making a decision because I didn't want to just start accusing him in case my gut was wrong. I went against my gut because I wanted love and she was very persistent after I initially called things off with her - drawing photos of me (she's an artist) and sending them to me, blowing up my phone, etc... I figured after all of that I must have misread her if she was that into me. She was an attractive young woman who probably isn't used to guys calling things off, so I took her by surprise. Come to think of it, when I first called things off, she seemed more injured at the idea that someone was walking away from her than that our connection was ending. I think she was purely operating on feeling powerful and winning the chase at that point and moving forward. She behaved as if she was into me, but I never felt she was truly connecting with me, that it was more about ego and power for her, which is why I withdrew initially. Once she finally got me to commit and won the chase, she had no shame in suggesting she was cheating on Twitter (within a matter of a day or two after we were 'official') and played a lot of mind games. Once I called things off for her cheating, she would continue contacting me by phone, text, email, etc... to rub in how much more she liked this guy than me, cussing at me, etc... She only stopped once I threatened to call the cops and say someone was harassing me. A truly psychopathic and narcissistic woman. Trust your gut, people. Edited November 29, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine 1
regine_phalange Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 If I'm in love with someone he's free to look at my phone or whatever else he wants (only after a point at the relationship where I feel really comfortable around him and trust him). Once I forgot my phone at a long term boyfriend's home and I just told him to look at the texts and call me on the landline if there's something important.. I was too bored to go get it so he kept it for a couple days edit: Oh, and I haven't snooped. In all instances I just KNEW when something was off.. right the moment it was happening. 1
shet Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I'm 100% for snooping. There's a myriad of ways available now with social media and apps to casually monitor little things like when someone's clearly not as busy as they claim to be, when someone else involved is on and offline at the same times, when your messages are being deliberately ignored etc. You can get a feeling for when someone's lying to you without even really trying or using their phone. If you can get a solid chance to go through their phone, go for it. You find nothing, you feel like a suspicious idiot and hate yourself. But if you find something... you just did yourself a favour and probably saved yourself a lot more trouble later. 1
smackie9 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Like I always say, if it doesn't feel right then it's not. Giving them the benefit of a doubt is what a liar depends on so they can continue to pull the wool over your eyes. 2
123321 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 What do you guys think? Lying and snooping are wrong, and in many cases stem from the same root cause. 1
Author basha Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 I call BS too for the reasons Buddhist posted. But my question to you is, now that you've discovered he wasn't honest and is so secretive ....lied? ..... in response to him saying he is not sure you have a future together because you snooped .....why didn't you say......... "That makes two of us, cause I don't know if I wish to be with someone who keeps secrets, isn't honest and lies." And then left. Why *do* you want to be with a man like that? So what if HE doesn't see a future, you shouldn't either! IMHO. Oh trust me I gave him a mouthful along the same lines. He has been contacting me nonstop and I want nothing to do with him.
Author basha Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 He didn't lie, he kept his finance private. Not same thing. If you've asked him directly how much he owes in credit cards and he said 0 when he actually owes 20k that's a lie. Your talk of marriage was just talk. When a couple is getting serious they talk about moving in together and they give themselves a date. When you know you will be moving in together in 6 months then it's time to ask questions about financial situation. In the dating stage it's no one concerns. Yes you may consider your 'marriage talk' serious but they were not as they didn't include a date and a plan. Your reaction to your boyfriend is more about his shaky financial situation than about him keeping his finance private. If a man I had been dating 1 year told me he came across my bank account and asked why I didn't tell him I spend so much at the veterinary he would get a big It's not your D business! Whoa lots of assumptions here. He has lied about his finances, but I won't get into details but it is similar to the credit card analogy. Yes we plan on moving in together by April of next year. Why would you even waste time dating someone for a year without making sure it was headed in that direction? I don't date just to date. All of this and the seriousness of our relationship was implied throughout this thread. Nonetheless, next time ask, don't assume just to prove a point. You can't just claim talks of marriage aren't serious when you're not in that person's shoes.
Author basha Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 What are those whereabouts? and inconsistencies? what did he lie to you about? Is it something like dropping at his ex to pay his child support or it's about him taking her out to dinner? Big difference. Not sure why you're so focused on whether he actually lied or not. This wouldn't be a big deal and I wouldn't say he lied if he actually didn't. I'm not sure I understand your fixation since that's what this is all about?
Author basha Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 I went against my gut because I wanted love and she was very persistent after I initially called things off with her - drawing photos of me (she's an artist) and sending them to me, blowing up my phone, etc... I figured after all of that I must have misread her if she was that into me. She was an attractive young woman who probably isn't used to guys calling things off, so I took her by surprise. Come to think of it, when I first called things off, she seemed more injured at the idea that someone was walking away from her than that our connection was ending. I think she was purely operating on feeling powerful and winning the chase at that point and moving forward. She behaved as if she was into me, but I never felt she was truly connecting with me, that it was more about ego and power for her, which is why I withdrew initially. Once she finally got me to commit and won the chase, she had no shame in suggesting she was cheating on Twitter (within a matter of a day or two after we were 'official') and played a lot of mind games. Once I called things off for her cheating, she would continue contacting me by phone, text, email, etc... to rub in how much more she liked this guy than me, cussing at me, etc... She only stopped once I threatened to call the cops and say someone was harassing me. A truly psychopathic and narcissistic woman. Trust your gut, people. Wtf?? Good riddance!! Shes insane.
Author basha Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 If I'm in love with someone he's free to look at my phone or whatever else he wants (only after a point at the relationship where I feel really comfortable around him and trust him). Once I forgot my phone at a long term boyfriend's home and I just told him to look at the texts and call me on the landline if there's something important.. I was too bored to go get it so he kept it for a couple days edit: Oh, and I haven't snooped. In all instances I just KNEW when something was off.. right the moment it was happening. I feel the same way. Complete transparency and comfort and all my LTRs have been that way. What did you do the moment you knew something was off? In my case I talked to him about it, but I had a gut feeling he was lying to me.
Author basha Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 I went against my gut because I wanted love and she was very persistent after I initially called things off with her... Trust your gut, people. Can't edit my post anymore but want to add that I don't blame you for going against your gut. Do you think you're kinda kicking yourself over it? It happens to the best of us and we just have to learn from it.
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Not sure why you're so focused on whether he actually lied or not. This wouldn't be a big deal and I wouldn't say he lied if he actually didn't. I'm not sure I understand your fixation since that's what this is all about? Yes to me there is a difference between he lied or he was just being private about his finance so that's why I am insisting on that point. If you say you asked him a direct question about his finances and you know now he lied in his answer than ok. He lied. 1
Author basha Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 Like I always say, if it doesn't feel right then it's not. Giving them the benefit of a doubt is what a liar depends on so they can continue to pull the wool over your eyes. Agree! I gave the benefit of the doubt, communicated my concerns and that benefit is definitely what he banked on when he lied.
Author basha Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 Lying and snooping are wrong, and in many cases stem from the same root cause. I like this. Very true and thank you.
123321 Posted November 30, 2015 Posted November 30, 2015 I like this. Very true and thank you. Welcome, although if you knew what I consider the likely root cause you might be less happy, who knows.
regine_phalange Posted November 30, 2015 Posted November 30, 2015 I feel the same way. Complete transparency and comfort and all my LTRs have been that way. What did you do the moment you knew something was off? In my case I talked to him about it, but I had a gut feeling he was lying to me. in the first i found out after we broke up. someone told me. in the second case someone else told me again and then i bluffed to make him confess (it worked)
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