He sabotaged us on purpose

[Ellyssia]

I didn't know what a commitment-phobe was, or that it was a real thing, but I have been dating one and it's left me feeling pretty upset.

 

We started out as friends with benefits. He told me upfront he was scared of commitment so at least he was honest, but we grew into something more and he said he wanted that too.

 

Over a year it was his mission to have me. He became my friend, he wanted to call me just to talk, he wanted to chat to me about how great it would be if we were together and how wonderful I was. He wanted to help me put up shelves. He wanted me to meet his friends. He would do anything and everything to be with me, around me, talk to me or have some sort of contact and intimacy with me. He came across as vulnerable and I felt a growing affection for him.

 

We ended up together. I got feelings for him, he said he did too. We'd agreed no long term commitment (I was fine with that) but also to be good to each other and honest. We had a pretty amazing time for a few weeks. He would not shut up about how happy he was.

 

Then it happenned bit by bit. Less calls. Less time for me. His hobby he does changed so it was EVERY weekend and he could only see me Teusday and Thursday. He shyed away from actual dates and instead just wanted to come to my place. He turned down invitations. He sepnt his birthday with his friends. He started going 3 days with no contact. Everything on his terms. No more long "getting to know you" conversations into the night.

 

I was shocked and upset as this unfolded. I tried asking what was wrong, he was "just busy" and said I worried too much, that nothing had changed I tried to get him to open up and he would just avoid me and shut away.

 

I ended it once in frustration. I felt like perhaps he wasn't into me and could not find the balls to end it himself. I thought I must have been a fantasy and the reality had proved a disappointment. He told me the oppposite was true, that he'd liked me much more than he thought he would and I was suprised when he was devastated and asked me to take him back. At this point he told me he knew he had been diferrent, but he had shut down because he felt himself falling in love and he could not cope with that. He had been badly hurt before and it scared him and he had gone into it with a "full relationship off the table".

 

We went on like that for a while where he could not commit to being with me or being without me.

 

Then he cheats on me, and although we were "friends with benefits" origionally, we had migrated to more and we were most definitely exclusive.

 

I don't want to give too many details but it was pre-meditated, orchestrated and done with someone level of deception. It was with someone he had never met before (online hookup) who lives a VERY long distance away and has children. No chance of a real relationship with her, so it all seemed so pointless to hurt me like this for something with little long time comparative worth. It was also made so that I found out via social media and it felt like that was deliberate.

 

It's been SO hard for me to accept he would HURT me that way and lie for someone he doesn't even know. The whole point was that he was mean to be my FRIEND an always honest.

 

I don't know why I am typing. I guess feeling confused, sad, used, worthless of why he would do this to me. He was someone who spent a long, long time in pursuit of me and then sabotaged it pretty much off the bat and never let us get to a point of seeing where it went.

 

Worst, he was someone I deeply trusted and cared about.

 

He has gone on with days apologies to me, he say it's fear of commitment, he says it felt like a safe thing to do because she was so far away, he says he felt like I wanted marriage and "forever" (I didn't), he says he cares about me a lot and doesn't want to lose me he says he is insecure and the attention from her built his ego, he says he has made a bad decision and hates himself, he says he will never lie to me again, he says a million things.

 

He has shown me all their online messages. It was never flirtatious or romantic from his side - was obvious she was into him and wanted him and he was just chatting like you would to a friend and perhaps enjoying it a little. She invited him, he said he would go to hang out. It just all seems like a slap in the face to me.

 

I know he let me see that deliberately so I would end it and it hurts.

 

I don't get all of this, and feel so awful.

 

Anyone else been in my place before?

 

Any people know about commitment-phobia?

Edited November 28, 2015 by Ellyssia

[Qboro90]

His "commitment phobia" is just an elaborate excuse to do whatever he wants and still keep you on the hook thinking that he just needs to work out his past reservations and if you bear with him things will eventually be as you hope. It's all a facade. This guy played you from day 1.

 

By bringing up his fear of commitment, and being friends with benefits to start, he is getting all the benefits of a physical relationship with none of the responsibilities. Sure once it developed into more and you developed feelings for one another he was a good guy and at tentative and helpful for a few weeks. However once that initial period wore off and be felt the real relationship issues of seeing one another and being exclusive/faithful were required, his behavior changed and be pulled away becoming distant.

 

You were right to break up with him because he's showing you that he doesn't care enough about you to dedicate the effort to treating you like you should be treated. Especially by someone who you've been sleeping with and being loyal to. Your mistake was letting himself talk his way back into your life. By doing this you confirmed that he would be able to get away with his unacceptable behavior as long as he apologized and gave you an emotional story about "having a traumatizing past relationship, I'm scared of getting hurt again", "I could tell I was falling for you so I pulled away Bc I'm scared you will hurt me".

 

That makes you think "aw , I just need to bear with him and take things slow, show him I'm here for him and he will eventually open up and realize he can commit to me without being hurt". That's his game. He ****s up and ends up making you feel like you're the one who has to bear with him and reassure him of your dedication and care. Meanwhile he's still not committed to you and hasn't faced any consequences for being a selfish ******* since you first started seeing him.

 

He cheated on you with someone far away because he thought that was the safest way and least hurtful? Are you kidding me?

 

Please stop communicating with this guy. He's nothing but trouble and bad news for you and is never going to treat you the way you deserve. You can never trust him and will be constantly having to wonder if he's going to pull away or cheat on you if you ever got back involved with him.

 

Use your head. Expect more from the men you date. And just a tip. Friends with benefits is never a good way to start a relationship. If a guy knows you slept with him and were fine doing so without being his gf for so long then he's going to lose the respect and desire needed to put the effort Into winning you over to be his gf.