My boyfriend hurt my feelings when he said "my family comes first"

[HappyMay]

I know "family comes first" is something that almost everyone would agree with and I do too but to an extent. My boyfriend and I were talking about life and different things and family came up and that's when he said that. I didn't tell him that it hurt my feelings but I think he could see the saddness on my face but he didnt address it. The reason it hurt to hear that it because...well he's saying I am less important and that if it came down to it I would be the one to be kicked to the curb, forgotten, abandoned and left behind if it came down to it.

And also because growing up, my parents didnt treat me like a priority. They split up and always put their new relationships before my needs and when I was just 16 my mom kicked me out because her boyfriend told her to when he moved in. Basically dumped me and my things on my dads doorstep. He hated having me live with him. They also used me as a weapon to hurt the other when they were splitting up.

So I've never really been anyones number one priorty and before I thought maybe...just maybe I could be my boyfriends and that I would be loved like family by him and his parents but I'm starting to see that it's not true. I mean sure my boyfriend loves me and his parents like me but I know deep down that I'm just the girlfriend and not totally welcomed into the family and loved like I'm a part of it. And that's sad because that's how I feel about all of them and hoped they could be the nice family I never had.

Do you think I'll ever get to be my boyfriends number one who he will value and protect and be there for all the time and not just when it's convinent for him?

 

Also, would it hurt your feeling if your partner said to you that their family comes before you?

[Yookie]

How long have you been together? You shouldn't automatically take it as a personal affront. In his mind you might be considered as a part of his family.

[HappyMay]

You might be right I consider him mine as well. We have been together for 3 years

[Qboro90]

So you say that you grew up in a family that didn't have the values that you hoped for and treat you like a priority.... And you meet a guy who does have those family values.. And you are upset by it? His family should be his #1 priority. When you start a family and have kids and a husband, they should be your #1 priority.

 

Why would you pose a question to your BF where you're basically asking him to choose between you and his family. A persons family is more important than anything. If you care and love him, you should want to eventually become part of that family through marriage so that you can have that structure and dependent people around you for support and love.

 

He doesn't love you any less, your relationship isn't diminished whatsoever. Anyone you ever date should have family as their first priority then everything else is secondary. The fact that you want him to say he cares more about you and you're a higher priority than his family is a bit concerning and definitely unfair to put your BF in a spot where he has to feel guilty for putting his family first.

[ExpatInItaly]

In what context was this question raised? It sounds like you're painting him into a corner a bit, and you took his comment personally when I doubt it was intended that way.

 

Your past, while unfortunate, is not his fault nor can he fix it. Those are separate issues, from my perspective. Your parents' lack of care for you is not something your boyfriend can compensate for and you shouldn't expect him to.

[Gaeta]

well he's saying I am less important and that if it came down to it I would be the one to be kicked to the curb, forgotten, abandoned and left behind if it came down to it.

 

He didn't say he would kick you to the curb, forget you or abandon you didn't he? You are projecting onto him what your parents did to you.

 

I also agree with Q that you're resenting your boyfriend for having the family you didn't have.

 

I would never ask a man if his family comes before me because I already know the answer of course his family comes first and mine comes first too but we're talking extreme situations here right? extreme scenarios that would probably never happen.

 

I would never ever cut off a family member out of my life because a boyfriend of mine wanted me to. A man that truly loves me will make efforts to get along with my family and would never in a million years ask me to part from someone I dearly love.

 

You, as someone who's suffer from not having a close knitted family, would you really ask your boyfriend to cut off lets say his mother from his life for the sake of you? If you think it's a normal thing to ask a man to part from a family member for you maybe you need go in therapy to solve a few things from your past.

[Glitters]

What baffles me is the fact that you went sad when he said that and ignored your reaction. I guess, he picked up from you that you want him to choose you over his family. What happened to you from your family is sad but it doesn't mean that his family has to pay for it.

 

After 3 years , what are the plans ? Engaged? Marriage?

 

One thing is for sure , even after marriage , his family still remains , you just being a part of it , not a substitute