A complete 180, I'm hurt and don't know what happened

[Terry8889]

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, be glad this guy is out of your life. Next time don't get so invested with someone you barely know, emotionally and sexually, a month is not enough time.

[introverted1]

That's just the thing. I don't know how I would have interpreted his flattery as fake. I agree with everything he said, and I've heard it all before, from people who've just met me to people who've known me for forever.

 

And porn-style sex... some are just into it that way.

 

What do you think these things mean (flattery and porn sex), and why are they problematic?

 

The flattery is problematic because it was too much, too soon. He can't possibly know all that about you. Instead, he's preying on your desire to be perceived as the person he described.

 

The comparative -- liking your body better than a VS model's -- is also troubling. IME, when men are into you, they are into you. If they are telling you how happy they are that you're not X, Y, or Z, it's often a cover for actually wishing you were those things. In isolation, maybe not such a red flag, but taken with everything else...

 

As for the porn-star sex... most early sex is not porn-star like (or perhaps I've just been sheltered ) but, more to the point, usually sex includes making a connection with the other person. Unless your cues were really weak, I'd expect the guy to know well ahead of time whether you were into being choked.

[tuxedo cat]

When he said "you're not a dog" that should have been your cue to run. Also, I would hesitate to date guys in law enforcement. Sure there are good ones, but in general they are probably more likely to have anger issues or antiquated attitudes about women. My guess is most of the good ones will be married by that age, as cops tend to be pretty traditional.

Edited December 29, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[LydiaLong]

"he was disappointed that I didn't want him to choke me during sex and enjoyed controlling me physically;"

 

Please run to the nearest church and light 10 candles of gratitude that you're not with him anymore.

[dobielover]

When he said "you're not a dog" that should have been your cue to run. Also, I would hesitate to date guys in law enforcement. Sure there are good ones, but in general they are probably more likely to have anger issues or antiquated attitudes about women. My guess is most of the good ones will be married by that age, as cops tend to be pretty traditional.

 

He's divorced, so he was married by that age. A lot of them in their late 30's married in their early 20's and are now getting divorced.

 

That guy contacted me on Christmas with some story about an undiagnosed vertebral fracture at the time that was leaking spinal fluid into his brain and making him act out of character, joked that must mean I'd put a spell on him with amazing sex that broke his neck, and asked for forgiveness. Have you ever heard a more bizarre excuse or apology?!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe my eyes. I'm tempted to screen shot that **** to Texts From My Ex.

[GingerVixen]

My dear, I am sorry to tell you this but he played you.

And you let him play you because you didn't see the clear signs.

 

Almost all players follow the same formula, which is...

 

In the beginning they will chase you like mad, flatter you all the time, pamper you, woo you... it's the honeymoon phase... they want you to think about them 24/7, they want you to be attracted to them and have sex with them. EVERYTHING about is you special, amazing, sweet, etc --> NOTICE : A HIGH VALUE MAN WILL NOT DO THAT. He may appreciate you and say you're beautiful an etc but he won't bombard you with compliments. Why? Because he is still not sure if you're the one.

 

Players may also say in the beginning of the relationship that he wants to be your boyfriend and that you're a keeper. ANOTHER HUGE RED FLAG. Any decent man would never say such a thing. He is still trying to see if you're the one. Only players say that, because they want to get in your pants.

 

Then they will start the push/pull phase... They're still chasing you but sometimes they disappear. They end the texting convo abruptly. They hang up the phone. They leave you wondering where they are. It increases attraction and they know that.

 

When they're sure you're absurdly attracted, they have sex with you. This may take 1 hour to days, or even months. Yes, they can play a role for MONTHS until they get in your pants. Usually sex with them is rough, wild, kinkier than you're used to. They may ask you to do things you're ashamed of doing and they may be a little upset if you don't do --> THIS IS A SUPER, MAJOR, BIG, HUGE AND UNDENIABLE RED FLAG

 

After you guys have sex, if he is still a little interested, he will keep pursuing you but he will give you less and less attention. If you're not clingy and never chase them they will simply vanish and never give you any kind of closure. If you run after them and ask why they're so distant they'll either say "Oh nothing... it's your imagination, I still like you so much" but they'll vanish or they'll give a very rude and inconsiderate answer like this guy gave to you.

 

I know it is amazing to think that a 40 year and something man would act this way, but trust me, not only there are players at this age but they usually aim at 20 and something girls. They are frat boys that never grew up.

 

Seriously, you have fallen for a classic player formula. Learn from this experience and move on. There's nothing wrong with YOU. You could be the most beautiful and interesting woman, he would still do the same thing. That's his modus operandi. He is probably going through a middle age crisis and want to feel like a 'stud' again. Let him be. You're better off without him.

Edited December 29, 2015 by GingerVixen

[hippychick3]

My dear, I am sorry to tell you this but he played you.

And you let him play you because you didn't see the clear signs.

 

Almost all players follow the same formula, which is...

 

In the beginning they will chase you like mad, flatter you all the time, pamper you, woo you... it's the honeymoon phase... they want you to think about them 24/7, they want you to be attracted to them and have sex with them. EVERYTHING about is you special, amazing, sweet, etc --> NOTICE : A HIGH VALUE MAN WILL NOT DO THAT. He may appreciate you and say you're beautiful an etc but he won't bombard you with compliments. Why? Because he is still not sure if you're the one.

 

Players may also say in the beginning of the relationship that he wants to be your boyfriend and that you're a keeper. ANOTHER HUGE RED FLAG. Any decent man would never say such a thing. He is still trying to see if you're the one. Only players say that, because they want to get in your pants.

 

Then they will start the push/pull phase... They're still chasing you but sometimes they disappear. They end the texting convo abruptly. They hang up the phone. They leave you wondering where they are. It increases attraction and they know that.

 

When they're sure you're absurdly attracted, they have sex with you. This may take 1 hour to days, or even months. Yes, they can play a role for MONTHS until they get in your pants. Usually sex with them is rough, wild, kinkier than you're used to. They may ask you to do things you're ashamed of doing and they may be a little upset if you don't do --> THIS IS A SUPER, MAJOR, BIG, HUGE AND UNDENIABLE RED FLAG

 

After you guys have sex, if he is still a little interested, he will keep pursuing you but he will give you less and less attention. If you're not clingy and never chase them they will simply vanish and never give you any kind of closure. If you run after them and ask why they're so distant they'll either say "Oh nothing... it's your imagination, I still like you so much" but they'll vanish or they'll give a very rude and inconsiderate answer like this guy gave to you.

 

I know it is amazing to think that a 40 year and something man would act this way, but trust me, not only there are players at this age but they usually aim at 20 and something girls. They are frat boys that never grew up.

 

Seriously, you have fallen for a classic player formula. Learn from this experience and move on. There's nothing wrong with YOU. You could be the most beautiful and interesting woman, he would still do the same thing. That's his modus operandi. He is probably going through a middle age crisis and want to feel like a 'stud' again. Let him be. You're better off without him.

 

I believe this is an older thread and OP is dating someone else now.

 

But all you said is probably true!

[dobielover]

I believe this is an older thread and OP is dating someone else now.

 

But all you said is probably true!

 

Yeah, I don't know why an earlier poster chose to ressurect it.