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A complete 180, I'm hurt and don't know what happened

dobielover

By dobielover
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dobielover Established Member

dobielover

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Very short term "relationship" of one month just ended and it has left me quite confused. I haven't seen something like this since I was in my early 20's.

 

About me: 39, educated white collar professional, independent, self-aware, stable family background, a few long-term relationships but never married, open big heart and comfortable with vulnerability, no children but a doberman named Buster who I love.

 

About him: 42, police officer in a very high crime area of the Bay Area as well as military police in the Army Reserves, divorced after a 12 year marriage (separated in 2009, filed in 2010, final in 2014), long-term relationship of 4 years while the divorce was pending that ended badly but without any detail ("she's a horribly mean and negative person"), never really could explain "why" either his marriage or that long-term relationship ended just the chronology and that they "didn't get along," teenager daughter he sees twice a week but she doesn't stay over, no pets, his own father was married and divorced 7 (seven) times, several of them before he grew up into adulthood, said he was single because he'd been "working on himself" and finally felt "open to fall in love again", enjoys the "fighting" aspect of his job and is actually the FTO that trainees are sent to when they need to "learn how to fight" (I got the impression he's one of the "bully" cops out on the street as opposed to the peace keepers).

 

Beginning: He was very flattering and complimentary of me, and worried that I didn't or wouldn't like him going forward. He through out and identified all of his "baggage" for me right away (being a cop and having a daughter being his primary focus of "baggage"), believing either or both would push or scare me away and he'd rather that happen before he liked me too much. We met online and he told me on our first date that he'd cancelled on a second date for our first date and cancelled another date he had lined up for the next day because he just knew that we had a better connection than he had with them, and that he'd already taken his profile down. There was very quick involvement and adoration on his part, to the point that even on our first date, he invited me to go with him to Hawaii in February. Everything I did and said was perfect, or "incredible." Specific examples: He loved my laugh, he loved how affectionate I was, he loved my curvy athletic body and preferred it over skinny Victoria's Secret models, he loved how much I love my dog and animals, he loved what a good cook I am, he loved how I balance my life, and loved how much we have in common. He was beyond infatuated. He expressed concerns over my (and women in general) ability to be faithful given his schedule and potential for deployment, which I assuaged. Sex came quickly and while amazing was somewhat porn-style-ish; he was disappointed that I didn't want him to choke me during sex and enjoyed controlling me physically; it didn't feel emotionally intimate.

 

The end: It came out of nowhere. In response to a message I'd sent him about spending some time together this weekend, he sent me a text message saying that he'd been thinking about us a lot, and that he didn't want to continue because he saw some serious "personality differences," "distinct issues" between us, and that "he was sure I could tell that we clash." This came as a big, big surprise to me, so I asked him to explain.

 

His explanation: "Well for one thing, you shrieked at the deer. Then your laugh is really loud and annoying to me. And you act like a puppy. A lot. With your nuzzling me and sounds. And you have a ton of videos of your dog on your phone. And you don't take fitness as seriously as I do, and I know that as soon as the newness wears off, your body is going to turn me off and I'm not going to be attracted to you anymore. Sorry, that's the truth. I just know I can't be the loving and attentive man you deserve."

 

:confused:

 

As for the above: (Deer) We were driving on a country road last weekend, and a deer jumped out in front of us, and I said, "Oh!" It wasn't a shriek, it was a normal reaction. I felt safe with him, I wasn't concerned about our safety.

 

(My laugh) He'd said he liked it. If I was looking at my phone or the newspaper and giggling, he'd come over and ask what I was laughing at, amused. He never seemed annoyed before?

 

(Puppy) I nuzzle up to him on the couch and in bed when we're hanging out/relaxing, and he'd say he loves how affectionate I am and my affection would usually inspire him to draw me closer to him. I would sometimes make a mmm sound as I settled into my little spot in his arms. The last time I saw him, he did snap at me when I did that, "Stop it. You're not a dog."

 

(Videos of my dog) We were talking about a band we both love, and I said I'd been to a concert of that band over the summer and it was the best I'd ever been to. I took out my phone to show him a video of that concert I'd taken. As I scrolled through the videos to find the concert video, he saw that I had a lot of videos of my dog. I train her for defense and to do tricks and the like, and there's videos of that on my phone. Her dog walker also sends me videos of her being silly, and I keep them. As he looked down at my phone, he commented in surprise that I had a ton of videos of her (maybe 30?), and I showed him one video, just one, that lasted 4 seconds, of me "shooting her" and her playing dead. He knows I love my dog, but she barely ever, if at all, came up in conversation, beyond comments about how I'd have to get home to let her out or arrange for the dog walker to do so.

 

(Fitness/my body) As mentioned, he'd said he loved my body and preferred it over skinny VS models. I am curvy and a little thick, but athletic, by no means chubby or fat. I'm 5'4'' and a size 6 because of muscle. He mentioned he works out 7x a week (but in reality he only works out 3-4x a week, the other days he just goes for a walk), and I said that was too much for me, that rest is an important part of my workout regimen, with a laugh. However, he knows I am an athlete - CrossFit, triathlons, ultras, etc. How he deemed that our views on fitness are too divergent is kinda crazy to me.

 

So needless to say, his explanation blew my mind. We exchanged some texts back and forth where I expressed hurt and confusion. He responded that clearly he shouldn't be dating anyone right now, and that he's obviously not as open or available as he thought, and he was very sorry for hurting me. I couldn't quite tell how much of that was sarcasm.

 

Was I used for a short term fling? Meaning, was this whole thing a charade and manipulation to have a short time good time? Or did he freak out for some reason? Is he just a typical emotionally unavailable cop who's incapable of intimacy?

Edited by dobielover
lollipopspot Established Member

lollipopspot

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(I got the impression he's one of the "bully" cops out on the street as opposed to the peace keepers).

 

Red flag. Who wants a guy like this?

 

His explanation: "Well for one thing, you shrieked at the deer. Then your laugh is really loud and annoying to me. And you act like a puppy. A lot. With your nuzzling me and sounds. And you have a ton of videos of your dog on your phone. And you don't take fitness as seriously as I do, and I know that as soon as the newness wears off, your body is going to turn me off and I'm not going to be attracted to you anymore. Sorry, that's the truth. I just know I can't be the loving and attentive man you deserve."

 

Wow! Did you ever dodge a bullet with this guy. It's unfortunate that you gave yourself to him at all, but good that you got clarity so quickly.

 

Was I used for a short term fling? Meaning, was this whole thing a charade and manipulation to have a short time good time? Or did he freak out for some reason? Is he just a typical emotionally unavailable cop who's incapable of intimacy?

 

Who knows. The only lesson is that until you know someone better, you really don't know them. Of course people can change after 6 year relationships too, but this guy could be a sociopath, a manipulator, unavailable, very picky and fickle, or just a guy who doesn't know himself and his wants all that well. All you need to know is that you're not right for each other.

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dobielover Established Member

dobielover

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Red flag. Who wants a guy like this?

 

I thought so too. Funny enough, I learned of that last weekend, the last night I saw him.

 

Wow! Did you ever dodge a bullet with this guy. It's unfortunate that you gave yourself to him at all, but good that you got clarity so quickly.

 

Don't I know it! I couldn't believe my eyes. When explaining our differences or this "clash", I expected him to say something like, "You're a tree hugging feminazi and I'm voting for Trump" or "our schedules are too off to find enough time together" or even the standard, "I just don't feel that special something I think you need to feel in order to continue dating and getting serious," not a list like that.

 

I shrieked at a deer? I have too many videos of my dog on my personal, private phone? He's renigging on all the things he loves about me? Is he serious?

 

My response was, "That is the strangest and coldest explanation I've ever received." And he said, "Sorry, that's exactly why we'd never work."

 

Damn skippy, pal!

 

Who knows. The only lesson is that until you know someone better, you really don't know them. Of course people can change after 6 year relationships too, but this guy could be a sociopath, a manipulator, unavailable, or just a guy who doesn't know himself and his wants all that well.

 

All true.

 

I need to reflect on why I believed any of what he'd said. I guess I believed him because everything he said he loves about me, well, I love about me, so why wouldn't he?! :cool:

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Glitters Established Member

Glitters

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I say , be happy that he did the dirty job of breaking up with you. He is ( was) not the right guy. He did you a huge favor and now you can see what you couldn't see when you were in it.

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lollipopspot Established Member

lollipopspot

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Don't I know it! I couldn't believe my eyes. When explaining our differences or this "clash", I expected him to say something like, "You're a tree hugging feminazi and I'm voting for Trump" or "our schedules are too off to find enough time together" or even the standard, "I just don't feel that special something I think you need to feel in order to continue dating and getting serious," not a list like that.

 

Yeah, he really laid on the "It's all you, it's not me." What a way to break up with someone.

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introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

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Everything I did and said was perfect, or "incredible." Specific examples: He loved my laugh, he loved how affectionate I was, he loved my curvy athletic body and preferred it over skinny Victoria's Secret models, he loved how much I love my dog and animals, he loved what a good cook I am, he loved how I balance my life, and loved how much we have in common. He was beyond infatuated. He expressed concerns over my (and women in general) ability to be faithful given his schedule and potential for deployment, which I assuaged. Sex came quickly and while amazing was somewhat porn-style-ish; he was disappointed that I didn't want him to choke me during sex and enjoyed controlling me physically; it didn't feel emotionally intimate.

 

This - from the OTT and obviously fake flattery to the porn-style sex -- was a huge red flag.

 

Be glad he's gone.

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dobielover Established Member

dobielover

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This - from the OTT and obviously fake flattery to the porn-style sex -- was a huge red flag.

 

Be glad he's gone.

 

That's just the thing. I don't know how I would have interpreted his flattery as fake. I agree with everything he said, and I've heard it all before, from people who've just met me to people who've known me for forever.

 

And porn-style sex... some are just into it that way.

 

What do you think these things mean (flattery and porn sex), and why are they problematic?

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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That's just the thing. I don't know how I would have interpreted his flattery as fake. I agree with everything he said, and I've heard it all before, from people who've just met me to people who've known me for forever.

 

And porn-style sex... some are just into it that way.

 

What do you think these things mean (flattery and porn sex), and why are they problematic?

 

Because it all lacked sincerity. He barely knew you. He was performing but with no substance behind it.

 

He sounds like an aggressive nut-job. And that's probably the real reason his other relationships and marriage ended.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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I'm so sorry but I had to laugh at his explanation. To me he is either a complete nut job that has no filter for others feelings, Or you just got played.

 

I think you just got played. He laid it on thick to get your guard down. And the excuse was to make sure to make you mad enough so you won't talk to him again.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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He's a narcissistic bastard.

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Peachland Established Member

Peachland

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Honestly he sounds crazy. I wouldn't bother trying to figure him out. Be careful with the next guy. Take your time and get to know the person.

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dobielover Established Member

dobielover

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I don't really think I got played. A player wouldn't do it this way. Players tend to try to keep you on the hook, and certainly don't like being the bad guy.

 

I think he just finds fault with everything and everyone. Whether that's because he's a narcissist or emotionally available or a sociopath or whatever, who knows. But "aggressive nut job" kinda fits the bill!

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dobielover Established Member

dobielover

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Honestly he sounds crazy. I wouldn't bother trying to figure him out. Be careful with the next guy. Take your time and get to know the person.

 

Definitely. I was rebounding from someone else I was invested in and saddened when it didn't work out, so I'm sure that ending made me vulnerable to not seeing this guy for who he really was.

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Karine26 Established Member

Karine26

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His explanation: "Well for one thing, you shrieked at the deer. Then your laugh is really loud and annoying to me. And you act like a puppy. A lot. With your nuzzling me and sounds. And you have a ton of videos of your dog on your phone. And you don't take fitness as seriously as I do, and I know that as soon as the newness wears off, your body is going to turn me off and I'm not going to be attracted to you anymore. Sorry, that's the truth. I just know I can't be the loving and attentive man you deserve."

 

After I read this there would be nothing else for me to think about. I would be so turned off to the point that I would laugh and thank my lucky stars he said this sooner than later. Especially since it was only a month. We all process things differently but you got your answer and there's nothing else you can do but move on and find someone you deserve. Learn to listen to your intuition a little more also. I have a feeling that you knew more than you let on that he wasn't quite right. :(

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dobielover Established Member

dobielover

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After I read this there would be nothing else for me to think about. I would be so turned off to the point that I would laugh and thank my lucky stars he said this sooner than later. Especially since it was only a month. We all process things differently but you got your answer and there's nothing else you can do but move on and find someone you deserve. Learn to listen to your intuition a little more also. I have a feeling that you knew more than you let on that he wasn't quite right. :(

 

I was so upset when he first sent the message about not wanting to continue, but then when I saw his "reasons," it was much easier to just write him off as a crazy person.

 

As for the bolded, yes, at least as to the aggression. The choking thing, asking if he could do that and expressing that he wanted to (he did this outside of the bedroom), concerned me. As did his flippant admission that he's a fighter at work and he's used at work as the FTO who trains new cops how to fight. And when he snapped at me the last night, "You're not a dog," there was a gut feeling that this guy had some hidden anger streak.

 

But the other stuff... still surprises me.

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dobielover Established Member

dobielover

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I did skim read back and forth but he is a narc IMO and you were not a good supply. You didn't give in! Be happy with that! :)

 

Read Aunty Alex's Army Manual.

Toads and the Women who Kiss Them.

You'll understand it a lot more.

 

 

Amazon.com: Toads, and the Women Who Kiss Them. Aunt Alex's Army Manual: How to Free Yourself From the Narcissist (9781475236972): Alexandra Nouri: Books

 

Oh, but I feel like I did. I was in a long term relationship in my early 30's with a narc and I really feel like I gave in to this guy. Icky ick ick.

xcupid Established Member

xcupid

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Only HE can answer your questions. My take: You're better off without him in your life. Time to move on and find someone who APPRECIATES you.

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truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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I don't really think I got played. A player wouldn't do it this way. Players tend to try to keep you on the hook, and certainly don't like being the bad guy.

 

I think he just finds fault with everything and everyone. Whether that's because he's a narcissist or emotionally available or a sociopath or whatever, who knows. But "aggressive nut job" kinda fits the bill!

 

Sociopath sounds about right.

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truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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I think you should take this a step further and put it out there publicly (file an anonymous complaint) on how this cop behaves. We need less cops like this on the force.

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dobielover Established Member

dobielover

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I think you should take this a step further and put it out there publicly (file an anonymous complaint) on how this cop behaves. We need less cops like this on the force.

 

What does his personal life have anything to do with his performance as a police officer?

Maggie4 Established Member

Maggie4

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Oh darn! She didn't want to be choked. AND she failed the deer-surprise test.

 

Sorry OP, he prefers his blow-up doll, who performed better than you on those two items, I'm sure.

Laugh him off and move on, you believed in something that was not real. Even if you can't laugh now, you will laugh at this a few months later, and wonder how you got so involved with a nitwit.

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dobielover Established Member

dobielover

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Oh darn! She didn't want to be choked. AND she failed the deer-surprise test.

 

Sorry OP, he prefers his blow-up doll, who performed better than you on those two items, I'm sure.

 

:lmao: You just made my day. If I didn't already feel okay about this whole thing, I sure do now!! Thank you!! :bunny:

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dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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He's a narcissistic bastard.

 

I am not looking at the OP right now but my Narc-Alarm went off by sentence two or three.

 

I get the feeling you haven't dealt with tooany narcissists in your life, that's why the sudden UP and crash DOWN feel really confusing to you.

 

He almost certainly has narc traits and I don't say that lightly because I don't believe in "diagnosing" someone via hearsay on a forum (and y'know, I'm not a mental health professional.)

 

My father is a narcissist. As is my maternal grandfather. But only my father has the diagnosis. As I've gotten older, I am much much better about recognizing the traits to the point where its almost an "allergy."

 

Why the flattery? Why the in stay connection? Because the new and exciting are what Narcs live for. And when they can't get that, they go through these weird cycles of "put up on a pedestal, devalue, discard."

 

As soon as you became more "real" to him with different needs (like not being choked during sex!) Instead of just an extension of him and his self-flattery, it was all downhill from there.

 

As soon as he mentioned his "reason for divorce" and that "being a cop and having a daughter" were his baggage, the BS alarm just buzzed for me.

 

He has FAR MORE AND DEEPER BAGGAGE than "my day job is a little rough and I have a child like 86% of divorced adult males."

 

Look at his Dad. Clearly no issue with discarding women there, and that's what was role-modelled to him. Seven times? I'm not sure I know seven People I like!

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littlez360 Established Member

littlez360

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Sounds like the guy has some issues and you should be glad the situation hit a brick wall... Don't over think his 180...

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