HopelessOne Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Hello all... How is everyone doing? I am a long time lurker but this is my first post. I have read this site for the past year on various topics and everyone on this site provides great advice. I was wondering if you all could help me with a MAJOR problem that I am having. I am a 26yo guy who by all accounts should be loving life having a good time going out with girls and having meaningful realtionships with them. I could not be any more of the exact opposite of that though. At age 26, I have only had one relationship with a woman, which ended very badly...actually she just never spoke to me again and wound up pregnant months after our break up(not mine). That was FIVE years ago. I have been intimate with two women, 1 a ONS, the other persued me heavily, but I had to tell her there was no relationship. But other than those, no dates no nothing. I don't know what is going on. I feel life is passing by but for some reason my damn exgf subconciously is still haunting me. I just don't get it. I want to have some fun before I settle down but I feel I am getting to the ages where normal women would be looking to settle down and start popping kids out, which I am not ready for. Being honest, I would much rather stand in front a live firing squad then walk up to a woman in a club or a bar. i have no idea what to say and I feel I am a so out of the social loop, what would I do with her? I guess I figured my 20's would be different than this, but this is really draining me. I can admit that this is sucking the self esteem and confidence from my head. I just hope I haven't hit a point of no return.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Originally posted by HopelessOne Being honest, I would much rather stand in front a live firing squad then walk up to a woman in a club or a bar. The phrase "No guts, no glory" comes to mind. You need to build up your self-confidence and sense of self-worth before others will see a value in you. Do you think salesmen care that they get turned down a lot? No, because they: a) Don't take it personally. b) Know that each "no" is one step closer to a "yes." That is my philosophy when approaching women. It also helps to have a plan. Don't just walk up to them without a game plan. That's like running up the huddle and not knowing the play. Nothing good will come of it. If you understand that you will get turned down more often than not, what have you to lose? Let me put it this way: "If you ask her and she says no, you've lost nothing. But if she says yes, you've gained EVERYTHING." Again, you have NOTHING to lose. i have no idea what to say and I feel I am a so out of the social loop, what would I do with her? Read threads on how women want to be approached. Read how other men approach women. Get some self help books or go to counseling to learn how to like yourself and be self-confident. Work out, go to the gym, TALK TO WOMEN. You will never learn how to approach women if you have zero experience. Think of it this way. If you never shag fly balls and learn the outfield, you will never make it to the big leagues playing outfield. It's as simple as that. You can read about women all day, you can read all the self help books and boost your confidence. But if you don't get out there and play the game, you will never succeed. I guess I figured my 20's would be different than this, but this is really draining me. I can admit that this is sucking the self esteem and confidence from my head. I just hope I haven't hit a point of no return. Nope. You can build yourself up, you just have to be willing to take a risk. And as far as I can see, the biggest risk you take is getting a "no." Mind you, the odds are you WILL be turned down. It's just that you have little experience. But every time you're told "NO WAY!" think of it as banking experience. Eventually, and the more you try the faster it happens, you'll start to get the hang of and BAM! You'll be dating in no time.
Angeleyez2583 Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Do you drink when you go to these bars? Drinking a few beers usually helps people get up the guts to talk to other people. Good luck hun I just got out of a 2 1/2 year relationship and it sucks cuz I am totally out of the loop on how to meet guys
bstill Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 "I am a 26yo guy who by all accounts should be loving life having a good time going out with girls and having meaningful realtionships with them." Being 26 isn't very much fun. I got there, and am 26 now, and my life in no way resembles what I had envisioned. If you're like me, I can remember being 16, thinking about being 26, and it all seemed so perfectly obvious that everything I wanted would be mine for the taking. It didn't happen like that. We've been seduced by the ever more implausible idea that youth would be as wonderful as those who are older than us have made it seem. Life is just life, sometimes its good, sometimes its bad. Is your issue simply one of sex and romance? Is that all there is to it? Sometimes, when I've been out of the game for a while, I feel that way too, no matter how well or poorly other things were going. Kingsley Amis once said, after his first divorce, "A man without a woman is only half of a man." It is a big part of what we want and need, especially at out age, when we are supposed to be dating around alot and getting to know what we like. What always gets me confused is hearing people talk of seeing "others"; the plural is the punchline. What sorts of super men and women have these opportunities cast about for them like an octupus garden? Somehow this phrase has entered into the dating lexicon, as if there were innumerable attractive options awaiting our courtship as soon as we become available. Nope. you're gonna be lonely. you're gonna be happy. No way around it. You mentioned sleeping with two women. Why should this bother you? Is there a quota? I've slept with a fair amount (and truly loved two of them), and I still feel like you alot of the time, even when I'm sleeping with someone. It just doesn't matter. "I feel life is passing by but for some reason my damn exgf subconciously is still haunting me." Feeling like that is part of it. I had a terrible time getting over my first love, it ended awfully, too. I wasn't ableto love anyone for 4 years, and didn't really date for around 1.5to 2 years after the first relatinship ended. You just let it go. How is your social life in general? I think COC posted some good advice if dating is your only concern right now. How long have you felt this way? When you think about how want to arrange your life right now, is a female companion is the only absent component?
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