Feelings After Break Up

[solemnsmile]

I broke up with my partner of 4 years back in October and I have never separated with someone before so this is a whole new experience and this is a new emotional rollercoaster for me.

 

I lived with my partner for 3 years and he had purchased a house and I had even run my business from the house. We were really good friends - roomates even.. But I never felt passion for him. I do care about him though and I remain to care after our separation.

 

At first the break-up was my idea. I felt like we were going through the same thing over and over and that we were not really living, merely existing. Going back to school and realizing what I was missing in my life gave me the very difficult decision to end it.

 

At this point he has agreed to the break up and thinks that it is in both of our best interests and there is no bitterness between us. It's honestly the most civil break up I've ever had.

 

However I was actually quite upset to hear this morning that he had almost broken his ankle two nights ago and that no one informed me. I don't know why I felt so angry at it. Perhaps this is normal? Going through the anger stage of grief? He apologized for not telling me but I feel silly for being upset in the first place. I mean, I am a very caring person and if anyone in my life is hurt I want to know about it, but no one told me..

 

So, is this normal? If so, how can I work on changing my feelings about this.

 

At this point I am moving out for Dec 23rd, but I am not living there only packing up my business and things. I stay at my friends when I am in town.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Samhain]

I think one of the hardest things to come to terms with when a relationship ends (whether it be a mutual agreement or not) is that the ins and outs of a former partners life are no longer any of your business.

 

We still care about the well being of ex partners, some people care a lot more than others, but because your relationship was more like a deep friendship, it's probably even harder for you to have to accept that you are no longer entitled to information regarding him and his daily life.

 

Perhaps excluding you from these things is part of his moving on process. I don't think I'd want to indulge information about my personal well being to a very recent ex partner as being reminded of how caring and considerate that person is may trigger other emotions.

 

It's a bitter pill to swallow but for the best. People who end relationships, even when they are ended mutually, often hope they can remain friends, but it will rarely work out. Maybe it will for a while but it's only setting the scene for problems later on when one or both find new partners.

 

You said "at this point he has agreed to the break up" but he probably wasn't initially as enthusiastic about it as you were. So he likely has his own feelings to deal with in his own way. As hurtful as it may be for you, one of these ways is to not have to rely on the care of a person who is no longer going to be in your life. He's slowly detaching, it's a natural process.

[solemnsmile]

I really appreciate your kind words. This advice is really helpful, as I am a bit shy to go to people I know. Thank you kindly.

[marky00]

I think one of the hardest things to come to terms with when a relationship ends (whether it be a mutual agreement or not) is that the ins and outs of a former partners life are no longer any of your business.

 

We still care about the well being of ex partners, some people care a lot more than others, but because your relationship was more like a deep friendship, it's probably even harder for you to have to accept that you are no longer entitled to information regarding him and his daily life.

 

Perhaps excluding you from these things is part of his moving on process. I don't think I'd want to indulge information about my personal well being to a very recent ex partner as being reminded of how caring and considerate that person is may trigger other emotions.

 

It's a bitter pill to swallow but for the best. People who end relationships, even when they are ended mutually, often hope they can remain friends, but it will rarely work out. Maybe it will for a while but it's only setting the scene for problems later on when one or both find new partners.

 

You said "at this point he has agreed to the break up" but he probably wasn't initially as enthusiastic about it as you were. So he likely has his own feelings to deal with in his own way. As hurtful as it may be for you, one of these ways is to not have to rely on the care of a person who is no longer going to be in your life. He's slowly detaching, it's a natural process.

 

Couldn't have said it better.

 

 

NO relationship breakup is ever perfectly mutual. Out of his pride he may have given the impression he was ok with it as well.

 

When you made that decision he lost access to you as a girlfriend. And unfortunately for you, you have lost access to him as a friend. Dumpers often don't process that loss until later as they are so focused on ending the relationship.