Need some urgently. Been split 5 weeks

[Mikeyfreedom]

Hi guys new onboard. Hope you don't mind if I dive straight in.

 

I split with my gf of 6 yrs about 5 weeks ago. I have been suffering from depression for quite a while and had gotten into a very bad habit of drinking to cover my problems up. But we still got on fine and never argued. I work away a month at a time and then have a month off at home. Anyway I was drinking heavy one evening and came home late and she decided to go to her parents. I thought this would only be a temp measure. Anyway when we did speak next she informed me that she loved me still but wasn't in love with me anymore.

 

I did ask her several times to come back home to our house and she told me to stop etc and she wouldn't. Anyway in the next period I didn't contact her, I knew I had to change to really took onboard my problems. Stopped drinking, went and got help for depression and really set out myself for change as I knew myself I couldn't carry on like that.

 

Anyway she messaged me several times before I came away to ask if I was ok etc. I have now left the country and am working away for my month. I am 2 weeks into my 4 week cycle. We had a conversation the first weekend were we got chatting nicely and she did tell me that she missed me and had thought of me. I got so frustrated being so far away that I wrote her a letter via email to explain some pretty big things I had realised about myself and I am now addressing. Also why I hadn't proposed to her as she was expecting as I had bought an engagement ring a year earlier. She replied some 15mins later and said she didn't know what to say and she would need to process it all.

 

I left it at that, then like a fool some days later I pressed her if she had any thoughts, she replied that she needs some space as she was flat out with work at the moment but we would talk at some point(I was asking this at a time of day when she would be leaving the house for work).

 

So now I haven't heard anything for 7 days. I am really being strong about not contacting her and respecting her wishes as I do love her deeply and I want her to be happy.

 

I suppose my question is what do you think my next move should be. I am thinking I just leave it until I get back home in just under two weeks then make contact again. For the time being I am just concentrating on myself, gym everyday and dieting and I am doing very well which makes me happy and has done no end with the medication for the depression. But the heartache just doesn't seem to go away.

 

Do you think staying away another two weeks from contact is a wise move? As I don't want to make any mistakes again. It means everything to me and my future hopefully with her I get this right.....any thoughts on approach from here on in? We haven't fallen out or argued really during the relationship or even in this patch. I just want to communicate as that has been lacking obviously between us.

[PegNosePete]

I would bet my bottom dollar that there is another guy involved. She is showing all the signs of third party involvement. It's like there's a script or something that they follow.

 

You have totally put the ball in her court now. She knows how you feel. Pressuring her further will just turn her off. So just leave it to her to get back to you. However don't hold your breath. Live your life and carry on with your self-improvement. She may never come back to you. But if you pressure her more you will only drive her away.

[Mikeyfreedom]

That thought had crossed my mind, but even though its human nature and I was paranoid at one stage, I just cant see it happening as we were very close, its only really broke down recently. But I do see what your saying and I know anything is possible now. Anything. If she had the decency she would tell me that.. but its like she has just closed off commination wise with me. I know I can be very over powering in conversations, so I think she feels like it hard for her to talk to me. What I do know is when I talk to her next I will back right off, leave it all to her and not reference the letter or the break up just to speak again you know. And make her comfortable no matter she has to say.

[PegNosePete]

I'll tell you what I'd do if it were me. I'd not contact her until you're back.

 

If she contacts you then your response would depend what she said. Anything non-committal / general waffle, ignore. If she says she wants to talk then arrange a date when you're back. If she says she wants to get back together then also arrange a date when you get back.

 

If she doesn't contact you before you're back, I would call her up. Tell her you can't be left in purgatory forever and you need a decision. She will have had plenty of time to think it over by then. If she still won't decide then there's only one thing you can do, which is to say it's not fair on you to leave you hanging, so if she won't end it then you will.

[Mikeyfreedom]

I'll tell you what I'd do if it were me. I'd not contact her until you're back.

 

If she contacts you then your response would depend what she said. Anything non-committal / general waffle, ignore. If she says she wants to talk then arrange a date when you're back. If she says she wants to get back together then also arrange a date when you get back.

 

If she doesn't contact you before you're back, I would call her up. Tell her you can't be left in purgatory forever and you need a decision. She will have had plenty of time to think it over by then. If she still won't decide then there's only one thing you can do, which is to say it's not fair on you to leave you hanging, so if she won't end it then you will.

 

 

I do feel like I am hanging to be fair - even though I have accepted we have split up. Its the total lack of commination which has killed me I think. But I am not doing it over text message either. I want at minimum a phone call or a meet up out of respect. I do think she is holding back from me for some reason though. Even if she just doesn't want to confront it you know. But I just see it as respect for each other, after such a long time. I do think no one else is involved though, I just don't think she would do that, especially after how long it has been and how good things were right up until recently.

[PegNosePete]

I just see it as respect for each other, after such a long time.

Yeah, you would think so wouldn't you. But maybe she sees it differently.

 

I would certainly call her up by phone if you haven't heard from her by the time you get back. As for meeting up in person, well, it's kind of a waste of time and effort and incredibly awkward if it's just to confirm that you're split for good. I mean you'll what, order your coffee, she'll tell you sorry it's a "no", and you'll be like, OK, what do I do now, my double cappuccino latte grande with hazelnut syrup and chocolate sprinkles hasn't even arrived and I just want the earth to open up and swallow me whole. So I wouldn't really recommend that. I'd push for a final yes/no answer over the phone.

 

I do think no one else is involved though, I just don't think she would do that, especially after how long it has been and how good things were right up until recently.

Well maybe you're right, who knows. I'll drop that thought for now. But I would say however, what you wrote above is exactly what they all say!

[Amelie1980]

I would bet my bottom dollar that there is another guy involved. She is showing all the signs of third party involvement. It's like there's a script or something that they follow.

 

You have totally put the ball in her court now. She knows how you feel. Pressuring her further will just turn her off. So just leave it to her to get back to you. However don't hold your breath. Live your life and carry on with your self-improvement. She may never come back to you. But if you pressure her more you will only drive her away.

 

There is a script. She doesnt seem 100% sure and where there is confusion, it usually means there is another choice.

[Mikeyfreedom]

The more it's said above by you guys the more it would make sense I suppose. That could well be the stalling tactic to see how that goes while I am out of the picture. I want to know either way because it's only right.

[mightycpa]

I read this and it seems to me that you're desperately trying to hold onto a connection that no longer exists.

 

Let me give you another perspective to look at it from:

 

Let's say it was you who moved out with nary a word about it. Let's say it was you who then informed your ex (yes, btw, she IS your ex) that while you "loved her", you weren't IN LOVE with her. Let's say that it was you who rebuffed her offers to come back and work it out. You that tried to chat amicably, you that said you needed time to process everything because work was taking all your attention. Let's put the shoe on the other foot, and say it was you who had done all that she has done, and she was the one who didn't quite understand, and had this need to communicate and explain and apologize and change and get things off her chest.

 

How would you have to feel about her for you to be able to do that to her? If you actually felt that way, would you consider yourself to be completely broken up, or somehow still in this thing?

 

The answer, of course, is that your feelings for her would have to have died, and while you were trying to let her down easy, there is no question in your mind that you are moving on. That is the only rational explanation. One of you has lost interest in the other, and when you feel like that, there is no going back.

 

Probably the best thing you can do is to text her back and tell her that you had the good fortune of talking to someone very wise who answered all your questions and explained things to you to your satisfaction. Tell her that if she has anything left at the house to go get it before you return, and that you don't need to speak to her after all. Then tell her not to contact you anymore, and goodbye.

 

After you send it, immediately block her from your phone so that you don't get a reply, and start blocking your email and social media. Make it next to impossible for her to contact you. Then start the rest of your life.

 

That will take balls made of titanium steel, but I'm here to tell you that this is your best move. Your story has been told and played out a million times, and your particular situation is not special in any way. I already know how the story ends. She's done, you're not, and it will take a while for you to catch up. Any delay now is simply refusal to accept reality. Time to get started. Be your own best friend here.

[Mikeyfreedom]

I read this and it seems to me that you're desperately trying to hold onto a connection that no longer exists.

 

Let me give you another perspective to look at it from:

 

Let's say it was you who moved out with nary a word about it. Let's say it was you who then informed your ex (yes, btw, she IS your ex) that while you "loved her", you weren't IN LOVE with her. Let's say that it was you who rebuffed her offers to come back and work it out. You that tried to chat amicably, you that said you needed time to process everything because work was taking all your attention. Let's put the shoe on the other foot, and say it was you who had done all that she has done, and she was the one who didn't quite understand, and had this need to communicate and explain and apologize and change and get things off her chest.

 

How would you have to feel about her for you to be able to do that to her? If you actually felt that way, would you consider yourself to be completely broken up, or somehow still in this thing?

 

The answer, of course, is that your feelings for her would have to have died, and while you were trying to let her down easy, there is no question in your mind that you are moving on. That is the only rational explanation. One of you has lost interest in the other, and when you feel like that, there is no going back.

 

Probably the best thing you can do is to text her back and tell her that you had the good fortune of talking to someone very wise who answered all your questions and explained things to you to your satisfaction. Tell her that if she has anything left at the house to go get it before you return, and that you don't need to speak to her after all. Then tell her not to contact you anymore, and goodbye.

 

After you send it, immediately block her from your phone so that you don't get a reply, and start blocking your email and social media. Make it next to impossible for her to contact you. Then start the rest of your life.

 

That will take balls made of titanium steel, but I'm here to tell you that this is your best move. Your story has been told and played out a million times, and your particular situation is not special in any way. I already know how the story ends. She's done, you're not, and it will take a while for you to catch up. Any delay now is simply refusal to accept reality. Time to get started. Be your own best friend here.

 

 

Thanks for your reply. And I really like the "be your own best friend"

 

 

Yes I completely agree with all you have said. And that is fair enough. But you did say if the shoe was on the other foot. That is where I come in as I judge it on my own standards. And I suppose that is adding to my confusion because of that. I would have been straight out of respect for her and not told her a few one liner clichés. I wouldn't have. And I certainly wouldn't have left her hanging, no way about it. I suppose time will tell on this and what happens when I get back but I am prepared for it.

But people are different I know that and people react to different situations in different ways. But I will not be strung along. I need to move on if that is the case and I need to know. I have taken your advice onboard and I will be sorting myself out in the mean time. I have a great life and a lot to offer. My self worth is back. I believe in myself again after all the problems I have had personally this situation aside.

The way I look at it is, if you are not prepared to work on things, as life needs that sometimes, you are not on the team. And it will be her loss, because she is walking out of a situation when I can offer more than most. And I am sure there are a lot of people out there, that will really value me as a person and what I can bring with it. That's job done.

 

If she regrets this further down the line I suppose not my concern now, I have changed my life radically and my outlook too. I honestly feel like I have a exciting future in front of me, with or without her because I know where I am in myself again. I would obviously still like her to be a part of that, but I can't control that. Because of severe depression over years I hadn't felt that for a long time for myself. I just need to tidy this situation up now. She will notice massive changes, but they were put into place for myself and my quality of life, if she doesn't appreciate that, again its her loss.

 

 

Writing that letter was me questing for answers, but as time has gone on I realize that a lot of them was at my own feet staring back at me. Not saying I'm to blame for everything. It takes two to tango in a relationship, but what I identified as my problems, I have sorted. In fact I have been all over it.

 

Maybe if there is someone else involved, she hasn't totally closed me down to either keep the door slightly a jar just in case while she is making her mind up fully and seeing how things are going you know. Straight into someone else on the rebound is currently filling the void I left obviously. At the end of the day, I am not a concern currently, I know that, I am out of sight out of mind until 2 weeks time. It is easy for her as she knows where I am and what I am doing...working and sleeping everyday a long way away. She essentially has me in the palm of her hand at this moment. But it will be face up time soon that's for sure. And I am cracking on when I get home either way, I have wasted too much time in my life already in a bad place. Time to start living again whatever the outcome. But I still hope it is the outcome I am looking for.

Edited November 28, 2015 by Mikeyfreedom

[Mikeyfreedom]

The question is now, and I refuse to do anymore over email or texting, is do I leave it until I home, or confront this directly now. If that is the case I want to know as the sooner I know the sooner I can move on and crack on with things. So do I phone. OR if by some miracle its not as above and she genuinely just needs some space to sort her head out, if I go crashing in again, it will really push her away for good when there may have been a slim chance. That is what I am asking myself.

[makemineamac]

This is what she said and it's huge: "She informed me that she loved me still but wasn't in love with me anymore." And we do not know why she feels this way, is it just because of time passing, is there someone else we don't know. But she said it.

 

As mightycpa said, this is a problem you are not likely to overcome. This is something that happens over a long period of time. Who knows how long she may have been feeling this way?

 

And why do we want someone back who does not want us? It doesn't make any sense does it? I know exactly how you feel though, and it sucks.

 

You addressing your issues right now is great, but it's also too late. So continue addressing them for you and not her.

 

Take the advice mightycpa gave you. Follow it step by step and you'll be heading in the right direction.

[Mikeyfreedom]

This is what she said and it's huge: "She informed me that she loved me still but wasn't in love with me anymore." And we do not know why she feels this way, is it just because of time passing, is there someone else we don't know. But she said it.

 

As mightycpa said, this is a problem you are not likely to overcome. This is something that happens over a long period of time. Who knows how long she may have been feeling this way?

 

And why do we want someone back who does not want us? It doesn't make any sense does it? I know exactly how you feel though, and it sucks.

 

You addressing your issues right now is great, but it's also too late. So continue addressing them for you and not her.

 

Take the advice mightycpa gave you. Follow it step by step and you'll be heading in the right direction.

 

 

Thank you. Yes and I will. I just need to get my head about it, I am feeling a LOT stronger than I was though. NO one will ruin my path ahead. I am not even sure that statement meant anything, it has been teenage excuses to avoid talking, its not you its me, I love you but not in love with you. etc etc. Its just bull****. There is something and she hasn't discussed it as an adult. Pathetic attempt and something I would never have done. Do I want that in my life, no.

[Mikeyfreedom]

SO MY UPDATE

 

 

After no contact for about 2 weeks, it had to break. She needed to go to our home to get some stuff as she is going away with her parents for 4-5 days. I was cool about it, because rightly so all her stuff is in the house(living with parents) and only left with a small bag of clothes since she has gone.

 

 

Anyway, I spoke on the phone with her when she was there, I mentioned that I was working on myself and had learnt many lessons, she said good. But I kept the tone non breakup involved and we just chatted. I then said, I respect you very much and your need for space. I will call you when I get home and can I see you. To which she said yes. So I will leave it at that for now. I know that doesn't really mean anything, but what I do know is she only took essentials with her and left a LOT of other stuff in the house, including personal sentimental stuff to her from her family etc.

 

 

The perfect opportunity was there, to take everything while I wasn't there and post the key through the door and that's that. SO I can only take that as a positive. I am keeping going with my development and I will see her when I get back. Its slim, but I think there is a chance. I'm not getting my hopes up too much, but there is certainly a chance even if its minimal.

 

 

We needed space apart that's for sure. I agree with her. I was a mess in my life, but I think if she sees that is now truly over. I can be the Man she wants to be with and not the boy she had previously.