blueskyday Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 (edited) I think shy guys are very attractve, and I've dated quite a few. I'm a bold woman so it's a good match in most cases. That said, there is a line. I will make a guy comfortable and show him I'm interested by smiling, touching him and even asking him to join me to go do something (a date!) I will probably initiate a first kiss, too, if he's too shy, polite or not confident enough to initiate. But then he needs to respond and take action!! It's not a one way street. Once interest has been established, then HE needs to make me comfortable by pursuing and taking action. I don't want to do all the work in a relationship. Who does? I want a collaborative relationship, where we both come towards each other, read cues and try to anticipate each other's needs. We communicate with each other if one pulls away or acts in a confusing way. We both speak up and communicate our feelings and needs. Maybe I will be extra gentle and encourage a shy guy to express himself, but he must run with the ball I just handed him. Neither one of us gets the cop out of "too shy" for too long. Oftentimes, a shy guy can be unintentionally selfish and self-absorbed. He doesn't think about the other person's needs. There can be an insentivity. He might not understand or care to overcome his shyness to help the other person get their needs met. It's a big turn off to me if a guy doesn't have enough courage to be there for the other person. His shyness doesn't trump my needs. I once had a shy boyfriend who just stood there while someone said something disrespectful to me. I spoke up for myself, but I felt let down by his silence. He later told me he felt too shy to say anything. Really? I couldn't believe he wouldn't overcome that and come to my defense. He put himself first. He let his shyness overshadow the need to be there for me. That's the line. If I make a bunch of moves to establish interest, then he better step up. I need a guy with a backbone. Edited November 27, 2015 by blueskyday
littlez360 Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Guys are not stupid, when they have a chance to get laid, they go for it and forget the shyness. I always thought that way... but I've discovered most men actually have a problem with this. I on the other hand, find it hard to relate to other guys, as my problem is I find it too easy to hook up with an attractive girl when I'm out with my boys, and I "f" up my relationships... I have more important things that I have to work on, but I do have an unhealthy addiction to picking up women. Not all guys just go for it, trust me... I'd find more guys I can relate to if that were the case...
littlez360 Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 LOL... this website gets interesting. Perspectives... The world is awesome. 1
xcupid Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 You're going to have to take the initiative with this guy. He's got zero game and probably doesn't even know what that means.
smackie9 Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 There's shy and there's social anxiety. Everything causes him anxiety, and anxiety is not only mental, it's physical too. Shy people usually come out of their shell quite quickly, this guy will only poke his head out, then hide back in his snail shell to suck on his puffer to calm down with each step. Sorry hun but without therapy, this is the way he is. He's in his mid 20's and has already finished his physical and emotional development. It's gonna be real hard long road to change his behavior, if it ever does. But who knows, maybe he needs an aggressive woman to take the lead.
salparadise Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 If he wanted to be with you he'd make clear. Being shy is not an obstacle. He knows you're into Jim, so that should clear the shyness away. You're wrong. Just that simple. 1
Kevin De Smet Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Sorry hun but without therapy, this is the way he is. http://i.giphy.com/HwmB7t7krGnao.gif
brokengirl85 Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 You're wrong. Just that simple. Sure, I could be wrong. Let's see what happens next in this story I'm shy as well! But even though my shyness, I've told some guys I liked them. Who knows about this guy. I'm curious about what happens next.
Author Unsuretrying Posted November 27, 2015 Author Posted November 27, 2015 I will definitely keep everyone updated. He may have social anxiety but who knows. I think that would be something to discuss if we ever actually ended up in a relationship.
PaperCrane Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 I will definitely keep everyone updated. He may have social anxiety but who knows. I think that would be something to discuss if we ever actually ended up in a relationship. Realtionship? You've been on like...two 'dates'. If the guy is in his 20's and never had a girlfriend before, the weight of everything is right on top of him. You have a pile of experience compared to him and most likely has the pressure of having to 'measure up' to what's been before him. You may need to make the first move, maybe even second, but once he knows things are fine he should be able to comfortably come into his own. Then you can see if he opens up more or not and you can make the decision afterwards about a relationship. If you want to push lips together, just do it.
Author Unsuretrying Posted November 27, 2015 Author Posted November 27, 2015 Realtionship? You've been on like...two 'dates'. If the guy is in his 20's and never had a girlfriend before, the weight of everything is right on top of him. You have a pile of experience compared to him and most likely has the pressure of having to 'measure up' to what's been before him. You may need to make the first move, maybe even second, but once he knows things are fine he should be able to comfortably come into his own. Then you can see if he opens up more or not and you can make the decision afterwards about a relationship. If you want to push lips together, just do it. I was not saying that I even want to be in a relationship with him. I don't know him well enough. My point was that I'm not going to try to force therapy on him or something unless I was actually trying to make a relationship work with him. I do appreciate everyone's advice, thank you all.
PaperCrane Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 It was just interesting to note that your mind is thinking of that already.
Author Unsuretrying Posted November 27, 2015 Author Posted November 27, 2015 It was just interesting to note that your mind is thinking of that already. Well ultimately I'm not seeing men because I don't want a boyfriend. That's the motive.
SwordofFlame Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Curious question. What do you see in him? Is he good looking?
Author Unsuretrying Posted November 27, 2015 Author Posted November 27, 2015 Curious question. What do you see in him? Is he good looking? I think he's cute. He's really nice and always tries to help. He seems like he has a great personality from what I've seen so far. I tend to like the guys that go "against the grain" so to speak. And ones that don't seem to be after every girl on earth lol Eta: he's not what most women would consider conventionally attractive
Glitters Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 People either love shy people or they don't. Some don't like but end up falling head over heels. If you like him, you will have to be the aggressive one ( like someone here said ). He might curl back in the shell when ever you take an aggressive move but after the cooling period ( when you let his high tide caused by your aggressiveness ) settle down , you will feel closer. It's a slow and tedious process. That's why many people don't prefer shy as they are not flings. After a long process of push / cooling, feelings get invested, unintentionally. That becomes emotional bonding. I guess, guys with high testosterone get attracted to the feminine shy women and the fierce independent women to shy men. It's about balance. If you like him , be prepared to invest a lot of time/effort with little immediate result. If you guys end up long term, hes gonna love you like no other !
Islander19 Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 I think this is exactly what you should not do. Why would you make a move and have the potential to be rejected? If this is the way everyone thought no one would ever get together. In any relationship someone has to make the first move. And it doesn't matter how many "signals" someone is sending out, you're never be 100% sure they're interested until you make the move. There's always going to be the chance of rejection. OP, as a former shy guy myself who still has a hard time making a move on a girl, I would strongly encourage you to take the lead and make a move. Guys generally don't seek girls out for friendship. If this guy is hanging around it's most likely because he's interested. He just doesn't have the courage to act on it. He's probably doubting himself, thinking your just being nice or just want to be friends. I say just go for it. I really applaud you for being willing to make the first move. A lot of women won't do it and a lot of great guys are passed over because they're just not comfortable making a move. Sometimes it takes a woman like you to take an interest in them to finally break them out of their shell. I think you'll find that once that happens he'll loosen up and be more confident. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you! 1
Author Unsuretrying Posted November 28, 2015 Author Posted November 28, 2015 So he did end up texting me today. I did not text him. He basically suggested an activity he wants to do. I showed interest in doing it, but he never actually asked me to do it with him or set up a date. More texts followed and the conversation eventually changed subjects. I have no idea what to say
callingyouuu Posted November 28, 2015 Posted November 28, 2015 (edited) If he wanted to be with you he'd make clear. Being shy is not an obstacle. He knows you're into Jim, so that should clear the shyness away. As a former pathologically shy guy, I wish it were so simple. Being shy is an obstacle in personal relationships rooted in a low sense of self-esteem. It has little to do with what the other person does. So he did end up texting me today. I did not text him. He basically suggested an activity he wants to do. I showed interest in doing it, but he never actually asked me to do it with him or set up a date. More texts followed and the conversation eventually changed subjects. I have no idea what to say Yeah, this is the frustrating part of dating shy people. I think he genuinely wants to hang out with you, but he just doesn't know how to make it work (ie, he has no idea that it makes little sense to come up with a date idea, get a positive response, and then not follow through with details). If you're truly interested in seeing where this goes, you'll have to put in more legwork than you're used to in making things happen. If you get sick and tired of having to initiate so often, I also don't blame you. Edited November 28, 2015 by callingyouuu
Author Unsuretrying Posted November 28, 2015 Author Posted November 28, 2015 So after a little more prodding I asked him if he was trying to say he wanted me to be his date for this event. And he said yes. So we have a date, a legitimate date that I called a date and he agreed. Lol. Happy right now 1
shet Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I can understand this guy. Just make him comfortable making moves on you. Prodding him into proper date-requesting procedure is good. He'll learn from that. You'll need to prod him a bunch more. Physically too. Being a woman you probably don't have the sack to kiss him first, but you can, you know, put your arm through his, hold his hand, maybe even slide an arm round him. Then later you can get up close in his face during the right conversation and give him the distinct impression what he needs to do. Of course if you do have the sack to kiss him, kudos on being 1 in 100 women, and go do that. There'll be a tipping point, there is with shy people, where you can push and prod them until they take over and do what feels natural themselves with confidence. It's just, that may not happen until after you've already prodded his clothes off and prodded a rubber in his direction.
Author Unsuretrying Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 It's just, that may not happen until after you've already prodded his clothes off and prodded a rubber in his direction. Hahahaha that was funny:laugh: I wouldn't want to let something as small (to me) as initial shyness stop me from getting to know a potentially great guy. It's just a little hard to navigate. Hopefully after our next date, more will become clear. I'm excited.
Islander19 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Hahahaha that was funny:laugh: I wouldn't want to let something as small (to me) as initial shyness stop me from getting to know a potentially great guy. It's just a little hard to navigate. Hopefully after our next date, more will become clear. I'm excited. Thank you so much for giving this guy a chance. As someone who used to be just like this guy, and someone who still battles shyness in his dating life, it's nice to know that there are women out there who are willing to look past shyness and give a guy a chance. Also props to you for taking the lead on this. Not many girls are willing to do that. Based on my own experience he should loosen up and become more confident as things progress. Good luck!
mortensorchid Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Whatever the case may be with him, this is a lost cause I'm sorry to say. A man who is interested in you will take an initiative with you. It sounds like you are asking him to do things and he's saying yes. Ask yourself why. Is it because he likes being with you or because he has nothing else to do? Chances are it's because he has nothing else to do. Do you want to be in command the whole time? Because it sounds like you are. Socially awkward? Well yes, we all have certain quirks and things, but when it's super bad like this is, it's pretty ridiculous. 1
Author Unsuretrying Posted November 29, 2015 Author Posted November 29, 2015 Whatever the case may be with him, this is a lost cause I'm sorry to say. A man who is interested in you will take an initiative with you. It sounds like you are asking him to do things and he's saying yes. Ask yourself why. Is it because he likes being with you or because he has nothing else to do? Chances are it's because he has nothing else to do. Do you want to be in command the whole time? Because it sounds like you are. Socially awkward? Well yes, we all have certain quirks and things, but when it's super bad like this is, it's pretty ridiculous. I get your point, and I thank you for sharing your opinion. However, I'm pretty sure he is quite interested. I believe he mentioned the event because he wanted me to come along. When I suggested it, he said that's what he was hoping for. He's been texting me quite a lot since then, and I would venture to say a few of those texts were definitely on the flirty side. He seems very excited about our upcoming date as well. I think it is unfair to dismiss him for being shy this early in the game. I have a strong sense that once he is comfortable, the kinks will be ironed out. But no one can say for sure! But then again you can't say for sure about how things will turn out with anyone. Just have to go with the flow sometimes I think.
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