kismet1 Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Met this guy back in April and we hit it off right away. The thing is he never had time for me. I saw him maybe once a week, for about half an hour to an hour or so each time. This was always him coming over before or after work, or maybe a breakfast, lunch or coffee date. We talked every day so communication was never a problem, and we became very close. He has an 8 year old daughter, so I understood why that was all he could invest at the time. As we got closer, I wanted to start spending more time with him and start actually dating and doing things together. He said he would make that happen because he wanted that too. He said the mom is very involved in their daughter's life, as are his family and in-laws, so date night or a day out was definitely possible. 7 months later and things haven't changed. He kept saying he would make time and it never happened. He would always say we wold go out that Saturday or he was planning an outing or whatever, and nothing. There were even a few times when he stood me up... like something ALWAYS came up and he would apologize and everything would be okay again. The past couple of weeks have been kinda rough between us. I had become increasingly upset and lonely in the "relationship" because I realized it wasn't enough for me. Finally, last night he said I was making him move faster than he was ready to and it was pushing him away. He said he needed to figure himself out instead of causing me to be happy one minute (the once a week/day after I see him) then down the next because he's never around or he can't pull through on his word. I said if that's what you want, then okay I will leave you alone and you can contact me when you decide what you want, but in no way am I waiting for you. Looking back, I don't even know why I stayed this long. Probably because I was so busy with my own life that I didn't even realize how long it had been, but I feel so pathetic now. I think what's making me really angry is that we talked about our expectations, wants and needs from the start. We both said we were looking for a relationship and eventually marriage. He said he saw that in me, that he hasn't felt this way about anyone and that he wanted a future with me. He said he was ready, and now he's backtracking. He said he wanted more time with me, always said he missed me and couldn't wait to see me, but he never made it happen. Now I feel like it was all just one big mindf*ck. He said he never wants to lose me, but that's exactly what happened.
Author kismet1 Posted November 27, 2015 Author Posted November 27, 2015 By the way, he is 36 and I am 30. Not really sure why I posted this. Need to vent I guess and would like your thoughts and words of encouragement to help me move on? I really fell for him and haven't opened up to anyone like this in a really long time. I guess I need some perspective too... was I expecting too much? Was I wrong to have believed we wanted the same things? What would you have done in my situation?
hippychick3 Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 You were not expecting too much. He sounds like he was lukewarm towards your relationship and it was definitely not important enough to him. I would have done the same. If he truly loved you and valued you, he would not have let you go so easily. 2
xcupid Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Words aren't always enough. You have to look at his actions to see if they match what he's saying. In your case, words and actions didn't match. 1
LilaMarie Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 I'm sorry. I understand how you feel. I'm sort of in the same situation...I'm putting the effort and he doesn't and he can't hang out with me on the weekends bc he's "cleaning" or doing something. I'm fed up. He doesn't meet my needs and I know my worth. I think I'm dumping him tonight. 3
IronZ Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Ok it's been several months of dating and seeing each other on a weekly basis. I'd say you're in a full-on relationship at this point and unless you're forcing him to pop the big question then I don't really see how this is you moving too fast. All you want is to spend more than half an hour a week with him. That should definitely be doable. Him standing you up is not a good sign. This reminds me of something I heard once: "A man who's busy 24 hours a day will create a 25th hour if he really wants to see you." If someone is invested in the relationship, they will move mountains to make it happen. It doesn't sound like he's trying.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Did you ever go to his house? Meet any friends or family? 1
Effleurer Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 I always say that you always make time for the ones that matter. It doesn't seem like he's treating you in a way that shows you that you matter to him. It seems like you've obviously approached him about it and I guess that's the most you can do. If you really feel like it's hard to leave then you can try one more time to have a serious talk with him about it, but if he can't meet your needs you're going to continue to feel like this and it doesn't get better. You don't get used to it. 1
StBreton Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 ,OP sorry you're going through this. After a few months of what you described, I'd have been out of there. Not sure why you stayed. Do you take note when actions don't match words? It's important, especially with guys, because guys are about action, woman more about feelings, so this guy either: Is married as someone already said Decided he wasn't that into you and is sidelining you until someone else comes along (is a coward for not telling you) Maybe just enjoys your company but wants nothing further. If his child's mom and family are very involved, this guy has time on his hands when the child isn't with him...I have children and share custody 50/50 with the children's father. He's giving you a snow job. As you get older, you realize that just because you have a connection with someone, if that person doesn't have time to grow the connection or puts time into the relationship that is meaningful to you, sometimes you just have to walk away. Life is too short for crap like this guy is doling out. Make a New Years resolution which includes finding someone with whom you have a connection who also has time to share with you that fulfills your needs. 1
jelai Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 You were not expecting too much. He sounds like he was lukewarm towards your relationship and it was definitely not important enough to him. I would have done the same. If he truly loved you and valued you, he would not have let you go so easily. Thanks for the support. I didn't think I was expecting too much either. I did bring up the lukewarm issue - in fact, I used the same word - and he profusely denied it. He said he didn't realize he was coming off that way and how he feels about me is the complete opposite of that. Yea I don't know. He did text me and wished me a happy thanksgiving yesterday, said he was thankful I came into his life, asked how I was and all that. I told him that unless he can give me what I want and a solid plan to make it happen, to save the small talk and please leave me alone. I am just so upset with him. 1
jelai Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 I'm sorry. I understand how you feel. I'm sort of in the same situation...I'm putting the effort and he doesn't and he can't hang out with me on the weekends bc he's "cleaning" or doing something. I'm fed up. He doesn't meet my needs and I know my worth. I think I'm dumping him tonight. How did it go?? Sorry you're in the same spot too. It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? I admit I didn't put in as much effort after the first couple of months, only because it wasn't working and my schedule is more flexible than his so I put the ball in his court.
jelai Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Maybe he's married. No, he isn't. The thought did cross my mind, but he has never given me a reason to believe that he is. I always know his whereabouts and when we're not together and when he's not with daughter we are always talking so there's really no way for him to sneak around and "hide" me, so to speak.
jelai Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Ok it's been several months of dating and seeing each other on a weekly basis. I'd say you're in a full-on relationship at this point and unless you're forcing him to pop the big question then I don't really see how this is you moving too fast. All you want is to spend more than half an hour a week with him. That should definitely be doable. Him standing you up is not a good sign. This reminds me of something I heard once: "A man who's busy 24 hours a day will create a 25th hour if he really wants to see you." If someone is invested in the relationship, they will move mountains to make it happen. It doesn't sound like he's trying. Very true, but that's the thing - he says this *is* him moving mountains, this *is* him trying. At the end of the day it doesn't matter bc his effort isn't enough for me, as harsh as that sounds. And no I'm definitely not forcing him to pop the big question, not even close.
LilaMarie Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 How did it go?? Sorry you're in the same spot too. It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? I admit I didn't put in as much effort after the first couple of months, only because it wasn't working and my schedule is more flexible than his so I put the ball in his court. I was the last to text him on the 25th, he hasn't contacted me...not even to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. I know they say never to ghost on someone you are exclusive with...he doesn't care enough to even text me so why should I even bother letting him know I'm moving on? Next!
jelai Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Did you ever go to his house? Meet any friends or family? Yes, I've met his brothers, but not his daughter or her mom or anything like that.
Maggie4 Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 I was the last to text him on the 25th, he hasn't contacted me...not even to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. I know they say never to ghost on someone you are exclusive with...he doesn't care enough to even text me so why should I even bother letting him know I'm moving on? Next! He is not enough boyfriend. It's not ghosting if you stop contacting him, cos he knows exactly why he got the boot. A student who hardly ever showed up for class knows why he got an F. 1
Recommended Posts