three years of intense ups and downs, constant trying, finally ending?

[mgce]

Thank you in advance to all who read this.

 

I'm 37. She's 38.

 

We met three years ago. We have an on-and-off history. 100% of the reason is because she's an alcoholic - we'd fall into an ungodly wonderful bond on a level I've never had with anyone else, then it would come crashing down after some traumatizing incident with alcohol.

 

I broke up with her officially just over a year ago. She had just moved into my place. Everything was wonderful. I came home one night and she was extremely angry. I slowly realized she was angry at me. We had a horrible, nasty fight. I didn't even know what we were fighting about. The next morning I found an empty bottle of wine hidden in a laundry bag. I asked her, compassionately, to either stop drinking or seek professional help if I was to continue to feel comfortable. She declined, and I broke up with her. The final night before she moved out, we had one of the most magical "last hurrah" dates imaginable.

 

We stayed in low-simmering contact most of this year. This past August, I finally managed to help her sign up for an addiction therapist, who she's been seeing ever since. That was a huge, credible step forward from my perspective, and I finally started to open up to her again in the belief we were finally on the path toward really dealing with these problems. She acknowledged her problem openly, as she never had before. Her anger dissipated. And she showed amazing resolve to conquering this.

 

In the time since I broke up with her, she met someone who fell in love with her from moment one. She kept it as a friendship, but he also gave her constant emotional support and encouragement over the entire time "I wasn't there". She frankly outclasses him - she walks on water as far as he's concerned, and he's always been a huge esteem boost for her in his raw, uncritical admiration for her.

 

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This story goes on much longer, but I'll try to summarize concisely: she ultimately got confused. She developed deep "friend love" for him, while wanting to rebuild her and my partnership. Just a few weeks ago she reassured me this was her commitment. Since then, she's developed a narrative that he has always accepted her as she is while I've always been trying to "sculpt her" into something else. Just a few days ago I finally learned she's treating him as a serious romantic prospect.

 

One of her major claims against me is that I've been alternately hot vs. cold to her over the years, and she's afraid to open her heart to me if I'll break it again. And this other guy has always been universally supportive. I can't for the life of me figure out if she understands the role alcohol played in this.

 

She now claims she hasn't "made a decision" between us. She and I have been doing weekly couples' therapy in addition to her own addiction therapist. She says she wants to continue these sessions with me.

 

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I'm not naive here. I see all the signs of a sinking ship. But this is still emotionally devastating to me, so I'm asking for simple basic coping support .

 

More concretely: she hasn't professed an "end" to us. But she's also asserting her right to explore her feelings with this other guy. In other words, she hasn't "made her decision". Should I make it for her now, or just stop focusing on her and move on?

 

Finally: why in the world does she want to continue therapy with me? What is she possibly hoping to accomplish with that at this point?

 

Thank you. And happy holidays to all.