Olivia89 Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 My ex is in a long term relationship with his current girl friend. They have been together for 3 years, live together, and have a 1 year old son and her daughter from a different relationship. My ex and I met when I was 16. We were best friends and off and on friends with benefits during high school. Then we started dating very seriously when I was in college and he moved to be close to me where I was going to school. We broke up and got back together a few times but we were always best friends even when we were not together. That changed when he finally got involved with his current girlfriend. I have not seen him in 3 years, since they got into a relationship. She will not allow him to speak to me or see me. He hides the fact that we are friends. He calls me in the middle of the night when she is asleep. Or during the rare opportunities when she is not around. And he has to delete our text messages so she doesn't come across them. Because she has found our texts in the past and gotten really upset about it. We do not talk often. But it bothers me a little that when we do, it has to be in secret. Like he has to go outside and walk around to have a 20minute conversation with me. And he deletes our texts after we have a conversation. Also, talking always has to be on his terms, when he has time and can catch up without his girl friend knowing. I feel like he should either be honest about the fact that we are old friends and he will always catch up with me every once in a while. Or if he cannot tell his girl friend and have her accept that, then he should not reach out to me at all. That's hard for me to say because I do miss him. I miss talking to him more then anything. Having his friendship and being able to talk about anything with the person who knows me better then anyone. I still have not found any friend ship that fills the void of the friendship I used to have in him. So most times I just accept it for what it is and take what I can get. On the other hand I feel like he is being selfish. He is not being honest with his girlfriend. He is not being a real friend to me by keeping me a secret and communicating on his terms. And if a person is doing something that they cannot tell the people they love about, then they probably should not be doing it at all. But I cant bare the thought of never talking to him or catching up. Most times I just feel like I will take what I can get because it is better then never hearing from him. This is complicated and frustrating for me. And it is an ongoing issue.
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 .....That's hard for me to say because I do miss him. I miss talking to him more then anything. Having his friendship and being able to talk about anything with the person who knows me better then anyone. I still have not found any friend ship that fills the void of the friendship I used to have in him. So most times I just accept it for what it is and take what I can get. On the other hand I feel like he is being selfish. He is not being honest with his girlfriend. He is not being a real friend to me by keeping me a secret and communicating on his terms. And if a person is doing something that they cannot tell the people they love about, then they probably should not be doing it at all. Sorry to say this, but he's not being selfish. He is having an emotional affair with you, and you are being just as selfish as he is by encouraging it, and not moving away. You have a total lack of respect for his partner. She is obviously quite right to be resistant to his continued contact with you, because she doesn't trust your connection. And you are proving her right. He is not your BF, partner, lover or in a relationship with you. While you persist in remaining in touch with him, you sabotage both his relationship with her, and your chances of moving on and finding a partner of your own.... But I cant bare the thought of never talking to him or catching up. Most times I just feel like I will take what I can get because it is better then never hearing from him. See? You're in this as much for yourself, as he is. So selfishness cuts both ways. He wouldn't continue being in touch with him, if you did the right thing. And you know what that is. This is complicated and frustrating for me. And it is an ongoing issue. Untrue. It's neither complicated nor frustrating. It would no longer be an ongoing thing if you decided to separate yourself from him, and went No Contact. You have no right to be doing this. Neither has he. You're both extremely selfish and the only confusion you have is why you feel this way when you're not even supposed to be a prominent feature in his life. There is no confusion. just subterfuge and cheating. And the frustration is that you are a side-issue. Not the main dish. Go No Contact, leave him alone, move on and make a better life for yourself.
Gloria25 Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Don't give him the time of day... He's an jerk and a loser. He has a kid with this chick without even marrying her and is chatting with other women (you) behind her back...he's using the both of you. See the "ignore" or "block" thing on your phone? Use it.
BikerAccnt Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 "On the other hand I feel like he is being selfish. He is not being honest with his girlfriend. He is not being a real friend to me by keeping me a secret and communicating on his terms. And if a person is doing something that they cannot tell the people they love about, then they probably should not be doing it at all. " ------------------------ Agree. He, or better yet you, need to stop allowing communication. Mainly because he's not being truthful to his current GF. I keep in contact with an old GF of mine. We lived together for a time, but it ended and we are still friends. Not seeing each other often kind of friends, but still email each other type of friends. I also left behind a couple of dogs I dearly love. We've been apart nearly 8 years now. I mention this only because my current long term GF is fully aware of her. She knows we email occasionally, and she knows we have contact. I do not keep it secret from her. Where she to ask me to stop communication with her, I would. Not because I don't care for my friend, I do, but because I love my GF. I don't think she'd ever ask that because she trusts our relationship, and she trusts it, because I don't keep my friend a secret from her. 1
preraph Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 You've got to stop thinking of him as monogamous and only wanting one woman. The ideal for most women is to be monogamous and have one loyal man, but the ideal for many men is to somehow keep as many as possible on the string without the other finding out. You're allowing him to keep this secret or he wouldn't be able to do it. All you have to do is tell him you'd like to have them both over for dinner or otherwise always say "you both" to every invitation and he will stop this nonsense.
Author Olivia89 Posted November 25, 2015 Author Posted November 25, 2015 Thank you for all the feedback. I do not feel good about this situation right now. I think I said something that I didn't mean and wish I could take back. He called last night and we talked for just 8 minutes. He was only calling to check how I was doing since the last time we talked. Because the last time, I asked him to call me because I was freaking out about a roommate issue I was having. I just wanted to vent about it and get his opinion on the situation. So he called to see how things went and briefly ask what my plans for the holiday are. It was a very short conversation and he said he would try to give me a call sometime this weekend but it might be late. This morning I woke up late and then checked the replys to this post. Then I decided to send him a text. This is what it said: "Do not text or call me anymore. You are sneaking around, being deceitful, and disrespecting Ericka. You are also being a lousy "friend" to me because friends don't need to be kept a secret. Keep this in mind... If you are doing something you cant tell the people you love about, then you should not be doing it at all. Do NOT reply". His response: "If you don't want to talk, that's your decision but don't make it sound like I was the one to call you. you were the one to ask me to call you. I was just checking up on you to make sure everything went fine since the last time we talked. When again, you reached out to me." And I replied: "I know I asked you to call but what bothers me is that you keep our friendship a secret. I asked you to call so I could talk about a roommate issue. Why should you have to go outside to have that conversation? And why do you still need to delete my texts, as if I don't exist. And it is not so much that I mind late night phone calls. What I mind is the fact that you call at 2am because you have to wait until Ericka is sleeping. I don't understand why Ericka still feels threatened by me when we have not been in a relationship for a very long time and we haven't even seen each other in over 3 years". To that, he finally did not respond. But I regret even saying anything because I would have liked a phone call sometime this weekend. I don't want him to not talk to me. I feel like I do not know what I want. I feel like a crazy women lol.
Gloria25 Posted November 26, 2015 Posted November 26, 2015 To that, he finally did not respond. But I regret even saying anything because I would have liked a phone call sometime this weekend. I don't want him to not talk to me. I feel like I do not know what I want. I feel like a crazy women lol. And that's how self-absorbed people like him roll. You had a great comeback and he can't defend it, so he runs away like a coward. What do you want here? I mean, if he's gonna sneak around her he'll do the same to you. Besides, he's not a stand up guy to level with you. I mean, I'm not trying to raise any hopes in you, but he could of said the truth...(i.e. sorry for chatting you up, but I just enjoyed the attention from another woman that had/has feeling for me but am happy with my gf). But no, you caught him in his game and he rather hide and leave you "guessing" than level with you. By leaving you "guessing" he's gonna try to keep that door open so when you chill out, he can come with some lame excuse as to why he did/does what he did. Look, he has a child with this woman and quite frankly appears to have knocked her up irresponsibly. Let him lie in the bed he made...I don't feel sorry for him in the least. Oh yeah, lovely how guys leave you like this...feeling "crazy" as if you were the one hiding him or doing something wrong What a jerk!!!
Sparta Posted November 26, 2015 Posted November 26, 2015 Run ... If you think about anything else run some more you can't run for her enough from this girl... Dude look on the marriage it's a little and like they all do what do you think she's going to do... The best thing that happened to you you investigator you snooped and you had every right Now run
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