66Charger Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Staying out of fear is a horrible reason to remain with your wife. The thought that you are too old, may get cheated on again, may end up alone is a fear based decison and if you have honor, it is very possible to find one that does. Staying because you still love her is the only reason that matters. Perhaps it is time to put past the whys and focus on forgiveness. If not, your very existense will be tainted until the day you die. It may take some time and may not be possible, but why live your remaining years without happiness? That, i just dont understand. Perhaps it is because I still believe in the forever. At any age. Make a hard decision and stick with it. But do not make that decision based on fear. 1
lolablue17 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) It's not about your wife anymore, it's about you. You're trapped in swirl of imbalance between you and your wife. Your consultation sessions probably deal with her (in the past and present) a lot, and your ability to put it behind you, which is very convincing in your mind. everybody's so damn right. I think many therapists do not pay much attention to the Ego problem + ego solution. Everybody (also here on LS) always say that revenge is bad, that balance fixing by punishing your wife is wrong, and of course everybody are so right and wise... But your instinct cannot let go. You NEED her to be in pain (even if you really don't want to hurt her), so you find convoluted ways to make her pay for what she did. If you're happy, she will not be in pain and that's out of the question of course... She must pay! She mustn't be happy. Believe me, she would have wanted you to have 5 affairs with 5 women in the last year, if it would have brought the balance back, if she could be equal to you. Not that everything must disappear in a year, but if you say you haven't made real progress, than you must have taken the wrong solution. I suggest that you admit your need to get balance back. First admit the problem then solve it. I don't know how, go **** other women, do anything that can help you to stop feeling like a martyr. Because i suspect you've became addicted to this feeling of "I'm the victim here, and I want my compensation, everybody please bow down to me". Be a man, take responsibility, identify the problem and solve it. The way you live now, is no way to live, sorry. Edited December 21, 2015 by lolablue17
66Charger Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) No offense, but revenge affairs just make you feel dirty. Honestly, i dont see what the big deal is in divorce. It does not have to mean the end of your lives together. Why is it not possible to divorce, remain together, work on yourselves and if the both of you decide to forgive, remarry? The balance is the price has been paid. The end result is that you BOTH willingly decide to move forward, without the past. Its been done millions of times. Talk about it. It isnt a way to punish her. Its a way to end a bad marriage and get a new one. With the woman you still love. Thats the only way I could do it Strength and Honor. Edited December 21, 2015 by 66Charger
lolablue17 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) The balance is the price has been paid. The end result is that you BOTH willingly decide to move forward, without the past. It would have been nice for him to move forward without the past, but he testifies he can't. BTW, I did not mean that revenge affair is the solution. It may not be, how would i know. But i think when nothing else works, you must consider even options that you wouldn't consider in the first place. This man is living in hell. It must be changed, and I agree with you about the divorce option. But if he chooses not to divorce, he must make a dynamic crucial change. Edited December 21, 2015 by lolablue17 1
Author Ironpyrites Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) Staying out of fear is a horrible reason to remain with your wife. The thought that you are too old, may get cheated on again, may end up alone is a fear based decison and if you have honor, it is very possible to find one that does. Staying because you still love her is the only reason that matters. Perhaps it is time to put past the whys and focus on forgiveness. If not, your very existense will be tainted until the day you die. It may take some time and may not be possible, but why live your remaining years without happiness? That, i just dont understand. Perhaps it is because I still believe in the forever. At any age. Make a hard decision and stick with it. But do not make that decision based on fear. Just to be clear, I don't fear being alone It may bother me from time to time but I can busy myself and kill time, but that's not really living is it. I'm not in a constant state of misery and I mainly post on here to find common ground with others and to vent. My biggest confusion is how she can be this devoted to me now and show the amount of love and caring. Is it hysteria, guilt, panic? I suppose only time will tell if that's the case. She has even played the you can sleep with someone else card , which I'm sure some on here have had. Thing is her affair wasn't about sex so it wouldn't even be the same and I'll never take her up on the offer anyway as it would not be in the least bit constructive. But she has made this last year all about me. The sad truth about anyone who cheats on someone else is that It will "taint you forever", people can claim what they like but its not like you will ever forget the worst time of your life is it. You may even stay with that person and they will know this to be true also and that is the consequence of it all. Ive made this very clear to wife that there is probably never going to be a time in our lives when we don't feel this and it's you who have caused it by your selfish actions.Even those who "move on" as it were, will never be free from that memory as if the out of sight out of mind theory will kick in somehow. That does not mean to say that you can never be happy again, whether you stay with them or not. Maybe it a man thing that we just want straight answers and a female thing that they can't give them and I'll just have to live with that. Edited December 22, 2015 by Ironpyrites 1
Cephalopod Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 What does this mean: some "men" never accept it? Is it a uniquely male phenomenon? What happens to women then? Do any of them "never accept it"? We don't know. You tell us.
Cephalopod Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) It took me a good three years to get past all the pain my exWW inflicted on me. And she wasn't even around. I can only imagine what it would be like having your WW with you every day as a reminder of what she did. Your WW is a broken, pathetic individual. She thinks having a kid is going to make her happy, when in fact that would be the worst thing she could do. She does not have the emotional stability or mental health needed to be a good mother to any child. She's keeping you around because she wants a kid desperately. That is the only reason. If the OM had impregnated her, she would have happily allowed you to raise another man's child. Do not doubt it for one second. You are miserable and unhappy. My advice to you is to take the focus off her needs and wants and live for yourself. Make her go to counseling. See if she can redeem herself, but you live for you. Edited December 22, 2015 by Cephalopod
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