New to LS; I'm in need of some post BU wisdom

[Fieryhal90]

Kinda long, forgive me.

 

I started dating a man in Nov 2013. We both had just gotten out of LTR's 3 months prior to meeting. We started hanging out with each other quite often, not gonna lie, I wasn't into him at first. We continue hanging out and months go by then I start to let my friends get into my head about the fact that we hadn't made things official yet, so in April of 2014, I asked him what he wanted and he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I cried and told him I couldn't do it anymore and left. 5 days later, he text me saying he missed me and wanted to take me out. I agreed and we moved on from there. About a month later, I decided I wanted to end things because I felt he was getting distant. A week later, I apologized for blowing up on him and he told me that he missed me and we started up again. He let me stay at his apartment while he went to work and I ended up going through his FB and finding out some things that I didn't like at the end of June.

 

He found out and disappeared for a week then came back to talk when he was ready. All I could do was listen because I was dead ass wrong and I knew it. He still wanted to try after that, but everything was still ****. I was constantly starting fights with him, one night, I woke him up out of a dead sleep throwing a tantrum because of my insecurity. He kept trying to console me and figure out what happened, but I was an immature ******* and didn't tell him. That same weekend, he went out and met someone else then told me about it and said that there were way too many insecurities on both ends and that it wasn't right for us, so, I let him go. He came back 5 days later calling me telling me that I had a tighter hold on him than I thought and he missed me so much. He said he wanted to be with me more than anything, so, we started up yet again. I still had insecurities, so from Aug 2014 to March 2015, I was starting fights constantly then asking for forgiveness. He said that he liked me so much and I would be the perfect girl if I didn't go psycho on him every time I didn't get a response from him on my time. In March of 2015, I text him cussing him out because I thought he was talking to another girl, then apologized and told him I wanteda relationship. He told me that he couldn't see how it would work out because he believed I didn't really know what I wanted. I begged for a little then told him the next morning that I wanted nothing to do with him because I thought he was trying to let me down easy. We didn't talk for two weeks and then he becomes friends with a nice looking female on FB. I instantly knew that they had been talking. Two months of no contact go by, then I reach out in May.

 

He tells me that he's seeing someone and the fact that I called out of nowhere really messed his head up. We decide to meet and talk and he tells me, during our meeting, that he really likes the girl but he still cared for me. He told me he had a decision to make while he went on a month long trip in June and I told him not to worry, to stay with her if that's where his heart was. The month of June, he was overseas and tried reaching out to me, but I shut it down. He reached out again the day after he made it back to America in July asking to meet up. I told him that I had way too much respect for his new relationship and that he should probably leave me alone. We didn't talk the month of July and he ended up dumping his rebound. He went back to her right before his bday and I sent him a bday message. He responded and we ended up hanging out. We almost had sex, but he said he couldn't and left. Two weeks later, he reaches out again asking what I want and told me he missed me and thought of me often.

 

We ended up meeting again and having sex...didn't talk for another two weeks until I reached out. This time, he came over and told me that while he missed me, our relationship was way too toxic and there was no way we could come back from that. He told me that she threatened to start talking to her ex so I let him go. He said that he was doing it for me, that things would've been different if we met a year later. I went NC as soon as he left my apartment. I changed my number and deleted him from all social media; it's been almost two months of strict NC. Today's a really hard ****ing day for me; I could use some words of encouragement from awesome people like yourselves who have made it out alive. I'm dramatic as hell, I know, but I just want to feel better.

[Fieryhal90]

Bump for an update:

 

He sent me one of those "hope you're well" breadcrumbs a month ago via messenger and I never responded. Still haven't. At first, I had thoughts about him never trying again because I didn't respond and that worried me. But now, I'm better. So much better.