JiltedJane Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 I need answers from the men specifically on this one: Why bother with grand gestures or romantic declarations only to disappear without a trace? Is it an ego thing? It can't just boil down to being scared. This month two guys from my past (one who blew me off and the other a casual hookup) both unexpectantly did these things. The blow off guy: popped up out of no where after 6 months, told me this whole speech about how he can't stop thinking of me, misses me, hasn't dated anyone else..... We made plans-he flaked, never heard from him again. Casual hook up guy: i told him i don't want to be his casual hookup/whore anymore. He proceeded to call me (which he never did before) and tell me that hes ready for us to begin a relationship he just didn't think i was interested, wants to know more about me, etc. Said he would call me over weekend, never did. Now before everyone starts criticizing me, i'm old enough and have dated long enough to know that people don't really change and that actions speak louder than words. Although I'm suprised by these guys, I didn't actually expect a follow up. I'm just beyond confused and quite frankly a little pissed off that they would bother doing these things at all... So men..whats the deal? Women... anything similar happen to you?
Oregon_Dude Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Answers in bold. The blow off guy: popped up out of no where after 6 months, told me this whole speech about how he can't stop thinking of me, misses me, hasn't dated anyone else..... We made plans-he flaked, never heard from him again. He was dumped. He needed ego validation from someone. He used you for that. Your response was enough validation for him. He wasn't actually interested in you as a person. Casual hook up guy: i told him i don't want to be his casual hookup/whore anymore. He proceeded to call me (which he never did before) and tell me that hes ready for us to begin a relationship he just didn't think i was interested, wants to know more about me, etc. Said he would call me over weekend, never did. This one is your fault. If you didn't wanna be a FWB, you shouldn't have started off under that premise. You don't get to go from f*ck buddy to GF. It doesn't work that way. He only wanted you as a piece of a**.
smackie9 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Those are players. If you look up 10 signs he a player, one of them is grand gestures, heavy compliments....laying it on thick.
Author JiltedJane Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 Answers in bold. We actually didn't start off under that premise. We started dating and it slowly became just a casual hookup. the whole situation is f'ed up. However I tried to completely end it, wasn't looking to be his gf, and he was the one who suggested it...
Oregon_Dude Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 However I tried to completely end it, wasn't looking to be his gf, and he was the one who suggested it...Gotcha. And you went along with it. I'm sorry, but you're not innocent here. You could have stopped seeing him. You are not a victim in this situation.
Author JiltedJane Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 Gotcha. And you went along with it. I'm sorry, but you're not innocent here. You could have stopped seeing him. You are not a victim in this situation. Not claiming to be a victim dude. I did stop seeing him. He kept texting to "hang out". I told him whats up. He called saying he wanted to make it exclusive. As i said in my original post: I know people don't change. I didn't expect anything in the situation to change. I am just confused as to why these men bother with the romantic sentiments at all only to disappear. Why not just disappear?
Oregon_Dude Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 I am just confused as to why these men bother with the romantic sentiments at all only to disappear. Why not just disappear?Simplest answer: they are douchebags. People do confusing and horrible things in dating. Best not to wonder why. Most of them are damaged and heartless. 2
Author JiltedJane Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 Well since that took an unexpected turn... again why bother with the romantic gestures only to disappear? Also, does that happen to anyone else? I want to emphasize that I am not having a pity party or trying to make myself a victim. I'm just confused as to why two different people, who i have different relationships with and don't know eachother, would pull these stunts. I for one wouldn't reach out and give false hope to someone I wasn't interested in. Again- not trying to make myself the "poor victim", the situation just leaves me wondering......
Oregon_Dude Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 These aren't "stunts". They are staples of dating. People acting shady. Saying one thing and doing another. Are you new to dating? If I had a dollar for every time a chick said she'd love to go out again, and then texted me that she wasn't interested.. I'd have like, a lotta dollars. Anyway, that's it from me here, I'll let you get some other perspectives. 1
Author JiltedJane Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 Are you new to dating? wtf, no Anyway, that's it from me here, I'll let you get some other perspectives. thanks! tough love from someone with the philosophical, thought provoking forums.
losangelena Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Well since that took an unexpected turn... again why bother with the romantic gestures only to disappear? Also, does that happen to anyone else? It's frustrating, but there's really no satisfying answer to this. I mean, yeah, WHY go to all the trouble doing some kind of grand romantic gesture and then backing off later? It's not logical. I can pander a guess and say that a man who does that lives in a fantasy world and then gets scared off when he realizes that an actual flesh and blood woman might place an expectation on him because of it. I've read my fair share of relationship books and feel like commitmentphobes do this kind of thing. I'm no psychoanalyst, though. As a woman I think it's unavoidable to some degree—everyone will run into a least one man like this at some point. What I do is take everything they say with a grain of salt until I see them back it up with action. Any man who's too "grand gesture-y," too over-the-top, too lovey-dovey too soon, makes me put my guard up a little bit. If he delivers on that gesture with action, then okay, my guard will start to come down. Otherwise, he can go on his flakey way and I leave the situation with my sanity in tact.
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