LittleBitCaught Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Hi all! Thanks in advance for reading. So, I have been dating a man for almost 11 months. He is wonderful and we are very in love. He is 30 and I am 27. It's the best relationship I've had and I've had a few. One issue that is maki me nervous though is his view of kids. I've always thought I wanted kids and have told him so from the beginning (when having those types of early dating convos). He said maybe when we first discussed it and said that he has worried that he wouldn't be a good dad (he would...there's nothing inherently bad/not caring about him). He is great wth kids actually. However, he seemed to be open to it and didn't say"absolutely not". At the time I wasn't too worried because he seemed open to it and seemed ok with the fact that I did want kids. However, over the last month or two he has made a couple of negative comments about kids (things like "ugh kids) that have made me wonder if he is else open to it than he initially implied. Now, I wouldn't want kids for at least 5 more years but I am worried "what I'd we get to five years and have this big divide in this life choice?" I want to talk to him about it and we are usually very communicative and open. But I also know that 10 months is still pretty early and I don't want to freak him out by making this assumption that we are going to be together and talk about kids. I also feel like this is an important thing for me to know since it would be something if need to consider if we do stay together (which I am hopeful about). It wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker but it would be an important decision I would need to make. Do you think I should wait until later in the RS or go ahead and bring it up? Thanks so much!!!!!
Samhain Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Definitely wait. And forget about the whole kids subject for a while, just concentrate on enjoying each other and building your relationship. You guys are still a fairly new couple, and over time feelings progress and peoples future plans change. So he might not seem keen on kids now, but if you're together for a lengthier period of time he will probably want a family at some point. So it's not worth even discussing now. 1
VeveCakes Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 It's a huge question that needs to be asked. I don't see a problem with asking - if its a deal breaker for you it's better to know now then waste years. I always tell guys I date early on that I never want kids, no changing my mind happening here. Then they can decide what they want to do with it. 1
Samhain Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 To me it's a pointless discussion to have so early on because people change as relationships progress. I have so many friends who say "I didn't think I'd ever want kids" but have completely changed when they were with the right person in a long term relationship. So you can have the discussion with him if you must, but if you want to work out it's not worth freakin him out because you aren't necessarily having "the conversation" with the same person he will be in the future. 1
littlez360 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 I'm 30 as well, and feeling older every day. Truth of the matter is. Men and Women are usually EXTREMELY different when it comes to having kids... It's just not something most guys consider a goal or some type of achievement. Women are more nurturing and have a mother instinct in them. Men have a father instinct in them, it just doesn't effect their future plans if they don't have kids yet... I personally think I'll make a great father, and I'm open to eventually having kids, but I can't imagine ever thinking to myself "I want to raise some kids" But other men just want to reproduce and have as much offspring as they can.... Us men are from Mars... remember that.
Redhead14 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Hi all! Thanks in advance for reading. So, I have been dating a man for almost 11 months. He is wonderful and we are very in love. He is 30 and I am 27. It's the best relationship I've had and I've had a few. One issue that is maki me nervous though is his view of kids. I've always thought I wanted kids and have told him so from the beginning (when having those types of early dating convos). He said maybe when we first discussed it and said that he has worried that he wouldn't be a good dad (he would...there's nothing inherently bad/not caring about him). He is great wth kids actually. However, he seemed to be open to it and didn't say"absolutely not". At the time I wasn't too worried because he seemed open to it and seemed ok with the fact that I did want kids. However, over the last month or two he has made a couple of negative comments about kids (things like "ugh kids) that have made me wonder if he is else open to it than he initially implied. Now, I wouldn't want kids for at least 5 more years but I am worried "what I'd we get to five years and have this big divide in this life choice?" I want to talk to him about it and we are usually very communicative and open. But I also know that 10 months is still pretty early and I don't want to freak him out by making this assumption that we are going to be together and talk about kids. I also feel like this is an important thing for me to know since it would be something if need to consider if we do stay together (which I am hopeful about). It wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker but it would be an important decision I would need to make. Do you think I should wait until later in the RS or go ahead and bring it up? Thanks so much!!!!! There is nothing wrong with taking the temperature of a relationship in terms of life/future decisions periodically. You can say something like, "I've been very happy with our relationship over the past few months and thinking about my future. I'm hoping to have children in about 5 years. I know when we were first dating and you said "maybe" at that point. I am wondering where you are now about that subject." 1
central Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Dating for about 11 months? Well, he should know by now if he wants children at all, and specifically if he'd have them with you someday. If he's really unsure, then I suggest you move on soon, because it can take a number of attempts at a relationship to find someone who is a good long-term match. So, it could still be years off before you're married and can have children. IMO, no one should marry before dating at least two years - in fact, I don't think getting engaged before two years is smart, and you should also live together a year before deciding that you are truly compatible. You are coming up on a year of dating, so some tough decisions need to be made soon - such as living together, and whether you both see a future with shared goals and aspirations. Now is the time to bail if you don't, before taking the next step (living together) to be really sure you're compatible day to day and over time.
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Bring it up. A year isn't a short period of time, it is if you're in your late teens but he's in his thirties and you're approaching your thirties, if you want kids you can't really afford to be waiting until you're 32, finding out it's not gonna happen, separating, finding a new partner and settling in with a new relationship before trying for kids. I mean, you can try, but if you want kids as certainly as you sound, it's a big risk to be leaving it that late to think about kids with someone ambivalent. So yeah, bring it up. Better to find out now he doesn't want them for sure so you can break up and find someone who has plans for a family. He knows you want kids, to the extent you've discussed your desire to have them, for him to be saying stuff like 'urgh kids' in front of you doesn't sound like a slip of the tongue: I wonder if part of him is trying to communicate, consciously or otherwise, his lack of desire for children. He's probably as freaked as you are because he isn't sure if he wants kids and you are, knowing that if you stay together one of you is going to be disappointed or you'll split up. I'm 27 and want kids in the next couple years all being well, I sensed my boyfriend wasn't really thinking along those lines just yet (he's a couple years younger) so decided to bring it up to make sure we were both on the same page, and he said he wouldn't want them instantly (nor would I) but he's keen on the same kind of time frame as me. Obviously nobody can predict what will happen and anyone can leave a relationship at any time but it's better to find out now that you're not compatible than to continue for the next five years on a 'maybe'. If he was unsure about having kids at all or didn't want them for ten years then I'd have known that sadly we weren't right for one another and although I can't imagine us breaking up, I can't imagine missing out on kids either. 2
RecentChange Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 I absolutely disagree with waiting to have this talk. Choosing to have kids or not is a relationship / life changing matter. If he has realized he does NOT want kids, and you do want kids - why waste any more time. The unfortunate fact is that there IS clock ticking, especially for women, and if this guy doesn't want kids... Well, that something to think hard about. And maybe he does want kids! Then you two can continue to grow together, and you won't have this worry. I am someone that doesn't want kids, so it has always been brought up early, I don't want to waste anyone's time. And let me tell you, not wanting kids is not always a popular choice. Some feel pressured to say "well maybe" even though they do not want kids. This has to be an open, and honest discussion. Hell, I have been pressured enough to say "well maybe" - its hard when you love someone to admit to a fundamental difference like this (I came to my senses and stuck to my guns). 1
casey.lives Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 this is BIG! it's a must discussion! 11 months is great timing. it's not a good time to waste time. go for it!
RecentChange Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Truth of the matter is. Men and Women are usually EXTREMELY different when it comes to having kids... It's just not something most guys consider a goal or some type of achievement.... I know a number of men hell bent on having children, its something they want very much, and are looking forward to. Most are at least open to having children. Maybe I just notice more because I am a woman who doesn't want any. But I do not agree with this statement.
hippychick3 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 To me it's a pointless discussion to have so early on because people change as relationships progress. I have so many friends who say "I didn't think I'd ever want kids" but have completely changed when they were with the right person in a long term relationship. So you can have the discussion with him if you must, but if you want to work out it's not worth freakin him out because you aren't necessarily having "the conversation" with the same person he will be in the future. Exactly. Peoples' feelings change over time. It's very common for men to feel this way at this age and change their mind later on when they're more invested in the relationship and more mature. A lot of men (not all) are very wishy washy about major life decisions.
smackie9 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 IMO, and I have seen this before.. "maybe" is not worth the wait and see. Yes he may want kids but I'm afraid it's not going to be with you. If he was truly in love with you and into you, he wouldn't hesitate to say "yes". It's not like he's 20, he's 30, and by now he knows whether he wants kids or not. Sorry dear but he isn't feeling it. I totally get your concern because you are not getting younger, and to be denied children 5 years from now will be devastating, and yes it can happen. He is great with kids sure, but they are not his, and he isn't raising them or dealing with the responsibility. I know someone who accepted his GF's wish to have a child....he silently resents his decision. When I was in a 5 year relationship, my BF brought up wanting us to have a child. He begged and I said maybe to just shut him up. I never wanted kids, and I knew that I made a mistake to stay in this relationship for another year. 1
compulsivedancer Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 (edited) Exactly. Peoples' feelings change over time. It's very common for men to feel this way at this age and change their mind later on when they're more invested in the relationship and more mature. A lot of men (not all) are very wishy washy about major life decisions. But is this good enough? Is it enough to hope that "someday" he'll want kids with you? Because it might never happen, and if you find that out at 35, it might be too late for you find someone else to have kids with. I waited eight years for my ex to be ready for kids, but even though he said he wanted them "someday," some day never seemed to get any closer. When you've put that much time into a relationship, it's hard to say "this isn't enough" and move on. With my current boyfriend, I told him pretty early that not only did I want kids, but that it was a dealbreaker if he wasn't interested. I didn't want to fall in love with someone who wouldn't be able to give me what I need in life. He already has two kids, so this affects things, too. He is open to kids, but we haven't discussed specifics (when, how many, etc). I think he just wants to be with me, and he wants me to be happy, within reason. I think if he didn't have any more kids, he'd be happy with that. And if he has more kids, he'll be happy with that, too. I've been really amazed how open he is to discussing this kind of stuff. Have the discussion now. See where he stands. See if he's firm on it or waiting to see where life takes him. Edited November 24, 2015 by compulsivedancer 1
littlez360 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 I know a number of men hell bent on having children, its something they want very much, and are looking forward to. Most are at least open to having children. Maybe I just notice more because I am a woman who doesn't want any. But I do not agree with this statement. I'm not disagreeing that there's men that absolutely want children asap. Many are open to it. I have to say though, MOST men don't really think about it that much... "Most" men don't want to raise children with their time, until they have children. Although, most men are "open" to having a family and having kids, men are more prone to building a foundation before bringing a child into it. I think women are basically ready for it before men are. So when it comes to "The Talk" it's not a red flag that the man is hesitant on the idea. Most men are willing to make it a priority if it's a priority of their loved one... But it's not as often for it to be the man's idea first. It's a good time to talk about it, but it also deserves time to consider putting it off. Depends on the dynamics of both as individuals and the relationship itself...
RecentChange Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Exactly. Peoples' feelings change over time. It's very common for men to feel this way at this age and change their mind later on when they're more invested in the relationship and more mature. A lot of men (not all) are very wishy washy about major life decisions. He is THIRTY he should be mature enough to know if he wants children or not. 1
mattelipstick Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Exactly. Peoples' feelings change over time. It's very common for men to feel this way at this age and change their mind later on when they're more invested in the relationship and more mature. A lot of men (not all) are very wishy washy about major life decisions. No offense, but I could not possibly disagree with this more. Run a search on this forum for "doesn't want kids" or "doesn't want to get married." You'll find hundreds of threads started by women who assumed their partners would change their minds about not wanting children and/or marriage as the relationship deepened. Plot twist -- a LOT of people don't. 2
littlez360 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Depends on the guy very much as well... Some guys have experienced life in a way that portrays marrying a woman, getting a house, and raising a family as the goal in life. Some guys see this is a living hell... Totally depends.
mattelipstick Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 I'm not disagreeing that there's men that absolutely want children asap. Many are open to it. I have to say though, MOST men don't really think about it that much... "Most" men don't want to raise children with their time, until they have children. Although, most men are "open" to having a family and having kids, men are more prone to building a foundation before bringing a child into it. I think women are basically ready for it before men are. So when it comes to "The Talk" it's not a red flag that the man is hesitant on the idea. Most men are willing to make it a priority if it's a priority of their loved one... But it's not as often for it to be the man's idea first. It's a good time to talk about it, but it also deserves time to consider putting it off. Depends on the dynamics of both as individuals and the relationship itself... A lot of very dangerous generalizations here. I am a woman who is fairly ambivalent about having a child -- if I had one, I'd be okay with it, but I'd also be okay if I did not. The vast majority of men I meet/date are very certain about wanting children and most want more than one. I think you're asking for trouble by hearing "I'm not sure I want kids" and interpreting that as "Oh, he'll want them down the line, he's just being a man!" 2
hippychick3 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 No offense, but I could not possibly disagree with this more. Run a search on this forum for "doesn't want kids" or "doesn't want to get married." You'll find hundreds of threads started by women who assumed their partners would change their minds about not wanting children and/or marriage as the relationship deepened. Plot twist -- a LOT of people don't. I believe you. I suppose it's a risk. I just know of so many men who felt this way...even at 30, and changed their minds. My brother is one such person. At 30, he absolutely did NOT want kids ever. He now, 12 years later, has 2 children who are the center of his world. I realize that's anecdotal, but he's one of many I know who later changed their mind.
hippychick3 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 He is THIRTY he should be mature enough to know if he wants children or not. I'm way older than 30, and I've seen the difference in myself and others from 30 and 5-10 years later. Not everyone knows what they want at 30. There's still a lot of room for growth and maturity. Maybe he "should" be more mature at 30...doesn't mean he is. 1
oberkeat Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Hi all! Thanks in advance for reading. So, I have been dating a man for almost 11 months. He is wonderful and we are very in love. He is 30 and I am 27. It's the best relationship I've had and I've had a few. One issue that is maki me nervous though is his view of kids. I've always thought I wanted kids and have told him so from the beginning (when having those types of early dating convos). He said maybe when we first discussed it and said that he has worried that he wouldn't be a good dad (he would...there's nothing inherently bad/not caring about him). He is great wth kids actually. However, he seemed to be open to it and didn't say"absolutely not". At the time I wasn't too worried because he seemed open to it and seemed ok with the fact that I did want kids. However, over the last month or two he has made a couple of negative comments about kids (things like "ugh kids) that have made me wonder if he is else open to it than he initially implied. Now, I wouldn't want kids for at least 5 more years but I am worried "what I'd we get to five years and have this big divide in this life choice?" I want to talk to him about it and we are usually very communicative and open. But I also know that 10 months is still pretty early and I don't want to freak him out by making this assumption that we are going to be together and talk about kids. I also feel like this is an important thing for me to know since it would be something if need to consider if we do stay together (which I am hopeful about). It wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker but it would be an important decision I would need to make. Do you think I should wait until later in the RS or go ahead and bring it up? Thanks so much!!!!! A woman's online dating profile I saw recently said something along the lines of, "if you don't want a family/kids, cool, just don't message me." Like, if you want kids that badly, and all you care about is the man's little swimmers, why don't you just get yourself a sperm donor? Cut out the middle man get preggo the modern way. That would be a lot easier than dating. Truthfully though, I can see both sides of this. It's a tough call. You wouldn't want to waste years together if "no kids" is a dealbreaker and he never wants to have any. When I was doing OLD I always wrote "doesn't have kids and doesn't want any," so the girls knew where I stand. I'm 29, but I've never even had a long term relationship, so kids are obviously light years off my agenda. It might have cost me some dates. But at the same time, he's only 30, and you're only 27, so there's plenty of time for both to change your minds. My father was 41 when I was born.
Ami1uwant Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 From a guys perspective.... Friends of mine when we were 24-28 range were like kids are snnoying. Things changed after they had their own. It's more of I only care about mine. You have seen how he is with kids...he is probably more scared and nervous and taking on that responsibility. Where the negative kids comments about kids in general or a particular child who likely was misbahaving?
Samhain Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 The divorce rate is now 40-50 percent of married couples. Single parent families are on the rise. And it's all because of people making hasty decisions and finding themselves in situations they were not ready for. I'm sorry but 11 months really isn't that long. The honeymoon period lasts anywhere from 6 months to 2 years (for the majority of people) after the initial butterflies and constant sex stage has ended the nature changes and other aspects of the relationship become more prevalent. This is also when the "real" people start to show, and many relationships end. How can you make a permanent decision about kids futures when you don't even know that your partner is the permanent partner for you? Sure you can have the conversation just to assess whether in the future someone is wanting kids (whether it be with their current partner or just in general) but people do change over time, and there are a lot of immature 30 year olds. So it's down to you to decide whether the person you are with is worth investing in over time enough to see whether their feelings will change.
Author LittleBitCaught Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 Definitely wait. And forget about the whole kids subject for a while, just concentrate on enjoying each other and building your relationship. You guys are still a fairly new couple, and over time feelings progress and peoples future plans change. So he might not seem keen on kids now, but if you're together for a lengthier period of time he will probably want a family at some point. So it's not worth even discussing now. Thank you for your help!
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