My (long) story

[Donald-Dux1982]

Hi everyone, this is my first post and visit to the site. I am doing this as a sort of self-help therapy, hope yall don't mind.

 

I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and marked personality disorder, I met my girlfriend on a dating website , she was my first friend and girlfriend.

 

Almost 4 years ago I told my girlfriend I was cheating on her, I told her there was more, but she didn't want to hear it. She cried and made me promise I would never do it again, she was upset for about a week but we worked through it and recovered. I was on ice (methamphetamine) at the time and was addicted, I got off the ice after this event to change for the better.

 

2 and a half years later I proposed to her and she accepted, it was the happiest moment of my life, I've always known I wanted to be with her forever.

 

1 month ago I told her that there were 3 other women I slept with when I was on ice, the shame and guilt was too much to bare any longer and it in hindsight was a selfish act to tell her and hurt her again.

We cried together and I thought she was okay, she had sex with me the next two nights, she wanted me to be rough I didn't realise why at the time.

The next morning we had planned to go to the movies but she left early to go shopping and said she needs "me time" and was gone all day.

She came back and said she couldn't be here (at our apartment) and went to stay at her mothers house.

Two days later she came back to get clothes and told me our engagement was canceled. I cried myself to sleep the next few days.

She returned again, I had dressed up and was cooking dinner for her, she said I look stupid when she first seen me, my heart sank to new lows.

 

I had written a list of things I could do to improve myself and our relationship and things I could do for her to make life easier since she was the main breadwinner. She said she would give me another chance and that I should buy a blow up mattress to sleep in the spare room.

 

2 Days later she returned, I thought she was back and I would have my second chance and I had already acted on my list, I thought she was going to sleep at the apartment again.

But she wasn't. She told me she didn't love me anymore and that we're finished, I burst into tears and pretty much begged her to reconsider because I loved her and was changing things for the better of me and us.

 

The reasons she gave for not giving me another chance and not loving me were: I hurt her without realising it, I don't have a job and promised I would a year ago, I have wasted 8 years of her life and that she looks at other people and see's how well they have done.

 

After an hour of crying, more me than her I was in a bad way and said I will leave and move back to my home city, my sister would come and get me that night as I was suicidal and couldn't bare another night at the apartment alone.

I asked her to help me pack and she did. As we packed she told me she had met a man on craigslist (wtf) and had coffee with him 2 days after she first left the apartment, I burst into tears again telling her that site is full of weirdos and murderers.

We continued packing, she seemed quite happy to help. I hugged her and said she's beautiful, she burst into tears. My sister had now arrived and she cries again knowing it's goodbye.

We both agreed to be friends.

 

When I got back home I was okay for a while, still crying myself to sleep. I had good light hearted conversations with her on the phone.

Then I got suicidal, and unfortunately involved her by telling her and asking why I should go on.

I was ready to exit this stupid life and had my note ready, I had planned to OD on heroin. I went to my friends house, he talked me out of it (no girl is worth killing yourself for)

I just ended up smoking weed and shooting up fentanyl patches to kill the pain, I sent some nasty messages to her blaming her for me shooting up again, not giving us a chance, writing me off and threatened to post her details on craigslist so she could be the kind of person she wants to be.

 

2 Days later when my binge was over and the drugs had left my system I felt physically sick for what I had done, I wrote a apology email explaining that I guess I had to hit rock bottom before I got over her and sent flowers to her house.

I sent 5 more emails, 2 more apologetic and 3 explaining what I am doing to stay positive and turn my life around for the better.

 

Since then we have barely spoken, she says she is not ready to talk.

5 days later (today) I sent a txt to her: "Hi, I hope you are doing well" and she has not responded.

My feelings are that I have lost her for good with my stupid emotional outbursts and negativity and I am devastated, I am considering a permanent solution as I am 33 and women will barely talk to me on the online dating (is it me?) and going from almost married and having children to no hope and prospect of a family in 1 month has really shaken my world to the foundations.

So basically I go from positive (enrolling for study and moving on) to suicidal thoughts.

 

I should add I stupidly bought a how to get your ex back guide that said to change facebook relationship status to "it's complicated" and said to sent a txt to the ex saying "not tonight. too tired" as a tactic for elevating my "dating market value"

 

So this is my story, and so you all can contribute I would like to know what you think and if you think it's possible to win her love again?

Please don't talk about my suicidal thoughts, I have not committed to them and it's my life anyway.

Edited November 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
poster request ~T

[PegNosePete]

I should add I stupidly bought a how to get your ex back guide

Oh goodness, I would not use that to wipe my bottom. To be honest you've done all you can do in that regard. You've told her how you've gotten better, want to try again, and put the ball in her court to take you back or not. The best thing you can do now is to give her space and time. She will either come back to you or not. Hounding her any further or playing silly relationship status games will only drive her away.

 

women will barely talk to me on the online dating (is it me?)

It's probably not you. The vast majority of online dating problems are caused by bad profile and/or photos. I'd advise you to make a thread on your OLD's forums, in the profile reviews thread. There's lots of experienced, successful people there who can help you.

 

But why are you trying online dating if you're still emotionally involved with your ex? That is not a good idea.

[Donald-Dux1982]

 

It's probably not you. The vast majority of online dating problems are caused by bad profile and/or photos. I'd advise you to make a thread on your OLD's forums, in the profile reviews thread. There's lots of experienced, successful people there who can help you.

 

But why are you trying online dating if you're still emotionally involved with your ex? That is not a good idea.

 

Thanks for replying. I think I'm just lonely, I have no friends here at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, no. I don't think you can win her back. The hurt you caused her by repeatedly cheating, along with your drug problems, lack of employment and emotional instability all created a very toxic situation and if I'm being very blunt, she is probably in some ways breathing a sigh of relief that it's over now. She has already told you she compared you to other people at the same age and saw potential for something more. When faced with the option of a man who comes with a heap of problems and causes her pain and one who doesn't, she's going to choose the latter. Forget about those silly "get your ex back" guides; they are a waste of money.

 

Focus on getting yourself healthy again. Not to be unkind, but you're not ready to be in a stable relationship unless and until you get your life in order. Otherwise your problems will continue to affect future relationships and the cycle will repeat itself. Yes, you've made some pretty terrible mistakes but it's not too late to turn yourself around and find some happiness and peace.

[Donald-Dux1982]

Honestly, no. I don't think you can win her back. The hurt you caused her by repeatedly cheating, along with your drug problems, lack of employment and emotional instability all created a very toxic situation and if I'm being very blunt, she is probably in some ways breathing a sigh of relief that it's over now. She has already told you she compared you to other people at the same age and saw potential for something more. When faced with the option of a man who comes with a heap of problems and causes her pain and one who doesn't, she's going to choose the latter. Forget about those silly "get your ex back" guides; they are a waste of money.

 

Focus on getting yourself healthy again. Not to be unkind, but you're not ready to be in a stable relationship unless and until you get your life in order. Otherwise your problems will continue to affect future relationships and the cycle will repeat itself. Yes, you've made some pretty terrible mistakes but it's not too late to turn yourself around and find some happiness and peace.

 

Thank you for your honesty.