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My own insecurity is pushing my Girlfriend away


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Posted

Hi, I came across this forum while searching for relationship advices as I don't know where I can get help from, n I hope you guys can offer me some insights on what I can actually do to salvage my relationship as I do cherish our r/s a lot.

 

Long story short, I knew my gf for about 3 months, things were going great for us but I don't know if it's because we have been going into the intimacy stage too fast that recently when she started to go colder towards me, i started to feel something amiss prolly cus of my insecurity problem and decided to approach her on this issue. And she said she do feel like we can't really communicate in a deep level, as in we can't have Long conversations and she feel like she can't really connect in that aspect, huge part of this problem comes from the fact that I'm usually a quiet person and I can't really hold conversations for long, it's just me I feel, n I told her if she can't really accept me in this way, it's hard for us to go Long term also and she suggested to go on a 2 wks cool down period so that she can decide for herself whether she can accept me for who I am. She did say she love me though and for the past one week, she has been msging me Everyday and calling me every night to talk to me bout our days. She's really a wonderful girl who deserves a lot better, I can tell she really cherishes our relationship a lot because even when I told her she deserves someone better and that since she can't accept my quietness personality, she still say she wants the cool down period to really see for herself first.

Actually we have agreed to meet this Friday as it is the dateline we set to meet on the day we decided on the cool down, however, last night I couldn't take it any longer and I called her to ask her what's our status exactly standing right now, I do admit it's my insecurity playing a huge part, and I questioned her what's the exact point of this cool down since it can't really change me for who I m and that if we r still texting n acting like how we used to be for the past few months, then she can't really tell for herself whether she can still accept me for who I m anyway and we started to quarrel abit on the phone. She said that I dint really put in much effort to try to salvage this relationship while she is the one doing it, n I just replied I did, it's just that u don't feel it at all, and furthermore if I'm to be Really nice to her, I would cloud her feelings during this cool down period anyway when it's supposed to clear her mind.

And today, she's really cold towards me, I've been trying to text her more now n taking the more initiative role as I felt really bad bout what happened last night n that I should put in more effort if I really want this relationship to work out. I do love her a lot but sometimes deep down in me, I feel my insecurities is wearing our relationship down and I felt I already damaged our relationship a lot. We will still be meeting on Friday but I don't know what to do for now.

Am I really a jerk? She's such a nice girl and I don't wanna lose her. But on the other hand I oso feel she deserves a much better person than someone who always make her cry :(

Please don't save your criticisms. I do want to hear honest feedbacks so I can know where I can improve on and how can I salvage this r/s

Posted

fear has a strong self forfilling element to it in relationships. In other words your fear brings about the result you were afraid of. Nasty little thingy isn't it?

 

The truth of a successful relationship is to believe in it, believe in your partner and most importantly believe in yourself. Even if a relationship fails under those circumstances, it is better than to have lived in fear of failure, because fear will not lessen the pain regardless, it brings no benefit, its useless.

 

Believe in yourself :)

 

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  • Author
Posted
fear has a strong self forfilling element to it in relationships. In other words your fear brings about the result you were afraid of. Nasty little thingy isn't it?

 

The truth of a successful relationship is to believe in it, believe in your partner and most importantly believe in yourself. Even if a relationship fails under those circumstances, it is better than to have lived in fear of failure, because fear will not lessen the pain regardless, it brings no benefit, its useless.

 

Believe in yourself :)

 

 

What u said is true :) I should have more faith in myself n our relationship thanks for the advice!

  • Like 1
Posted

OP, you shouldn't need to campaign for your girlfriend's interest and affection. She shouldn't need to convince herself that you're good together. A "cool-down period" should not be necessary.

 

You say you're damaged the relationship - how so? Have you said or done things that have hurt her? Also, I didn't see in your post, but how old are you both and how long have you been together?

 

I think it's probably better to end this. It's not fair for you to have to wait around while she decides if she likes you enough to continue. The right person will already know.

  • Like 1
Posted

Since you say you have already damaged the relationship and made her cry a lot, it would help to know what did you do?

 

If it's causing her more pain than happiness, of course , she deserves to move on.

Posted
What u said is true :) I should have more faith in myself n our relationship thanks for the advice!

 

Now, think about the 'opportunity' when you see her again... it is highly likely to go south at this point, but still, think about the opportunity. And don't be afraid to ask 'her' for more time because you feel that your emotions are controlling you too much and you want to learn to handle your emotions - that will impress her, especially if you truthfully take on that challenge.

Posted

listen to someone who's been through this exact same thing before....

 

Don't reach out to her at all. Not even to make sure you're meeting on Friday. Go silent. Asking for a "cool off period" was her way of getting time to get the guts to break up. I hate to tell you, but its coming. Start acting like it has already happened now. It will only help you in the long run. Will get you a head start on things.

 

I can almost guarantee she will be waiting around to see if you will be the one to contact her about meeting on Friday. Don't. Let her reach out to you.

 

She wants you to reach out, but doesn't want you to cloud her "cooling off" period. My ex did the same thing. I stayed silent. She contacted me to talk. I agreed. I said OK. She went on her way. Later when she came back (3 months later), she said she wished and wanted me to chase after her and get her back. I told her, "all that would have done was push you further away". She agreed.

 

The best thing you can do is bow out of her life. If she wants you in it, she'll keep you there. She knows you want her, which was why you called the other night. She'll try to make you look like the bad guy when you two talk....putting the blame on you. Don't buy into it. Its called "gaslighting"...they make you seem like the bad guy to put the blame on you and make themselves feel better.

 

Start NC now. Consider if you even want this person in your life. I was in your shoes. After a few days, I didn't want her in mine. I could see what she was doing and it wasn't fair.

 

Stay strong and keep us updated.

 

 

 

Also, its not insecurity... its your gut telling you something is off. Trust it.

  • Author
Posted
OP, you shouldn't need to campaign for your girlfriend's interest and affection. She shouldn't need to convince herself that you're good together. A "cool-down period" should not be necessary.

 

You say you're damaged the relationship - how so? Have you said or done things that have hurt her? Also, I didn't see in your post, but how old are you both and how long have you been together?

 

I think it's probably better to end this. It's not fair for you to have to wait around while she decides if she likes you enough to continue. The right person will already know.

 

With my insecurities. I felt like I've hurt her by questioning on our relationship and what I've said that night have hurt her. We have been together for 3 months, I'm 26 and she's 21.

  • Author
Posted
Since you say you have already damaged the relationship and made her cry a lot, it would help to know what did you do?

 

If it's causing her more pain than happiness, of course , she deserves to move on.

 

I made her cry a lot that day when we sat down for a talk regarding our relationship, like how I mentioned in my first post. I just felt like relationships should be a happy thing n it really hurts me to see her that way.

  • Author
Posted
listen to someone who's been through this exact same thing before....

 

Don't reach out to her at all. Not even to make sure you're meeting on Friday. Go silent. Asking for a "cool off period" was her way of getting time to get the guts to break up. I hate to tell you, but its coming. Start acting like it has already happened now. It will only help you in the long run. Will get you a head start on things.

 

I can almost guarantee she will be waiting around to see if you will be the one to contact her about meeting on Friday. Don't. Let her reach out to you.

 

She wants you to reach out, but doesn't want you to cloud her "cooling off" period. My ex did the same thing. I stayed silent. She contacted me to talk. I agreed. I said OK. She went on her way. Later when she came back (3 months later), she said she wished and wanted me to chase after her and get her back. I told her, "all that would have done was push you further away". She agreed.

 

The best thing you can do is bow out of her life. If she wants you in it, she'll keep you there. She knows you want her, which was why you called the other night. She'll try to make you look like the bad guy when you two talk....putting the blame on you. Don't buy into it. Its called "gaslighting"...they make you seem like the bad guy to put the blame on you and make themselves feel better.

 

Start NC now. Consider if you even want this person in your life. I was in your shoes. After a few days, I didn't want her in mine. I could see what she was doing and it wasn't fair.

 

Stay strong and keep us updated.

 

 

 

Also, its not insecurity... its your gut telling you something is off. Trust it.

 

I have suggested to not stay in contact for the 2 wks but she said that if we don't keep in contact at all, then even if we got back together after the 2 wks, it's just out of missing each other n it made sense to me so we agreed on that and went as normal during the period now, just that we are not meeting each other. we've agreed to meet on this coming fri and I'll be sure to update on the outcoming.

  • Author
Posted

And thanks guys for the replies, they do help a lot, really appreciate the concern :)

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