LeslieKnope Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Hi everyone, I haven't been on here in a long time but wanted to seek out some advice. After an on and off relationship of about a year that culminated in a bad breakup about two months ago,I've entered the dating pool again in the last month. Very tentatively, of course - just meeting new people. In the last week, I went on a date with a lovely guy with plans to see each other again. We really hit it off, and even though I'm feeling very cautious, it's been nice to flirt and have a crush again. Then suddenly this evening, a song that reminded me of my ex popped up on my iPod and I started crying. Like heaving sobs. I felt sad because it made me remember how much I loved him and how much hope I once had for the two of us. I missed him. I missed talking to him. It really caught me off guard. I'm at a point now where I know the previous relationship is over and that it's for the best. I wouldn't go back to him. I guess my question is this: is it possible, or is it normal, to begin liking someone new even while still mourning the love of the last guy?
mrldii Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 It's a delicate balance, huh? Not dating too soon, when you're not over it yet (and you bring all that baggage and dump it at the new beau's feet) and yet, if you never venture out, that's all you'll ever have: memories from That Last Guy, that'll never go away. Be patient and kind with yourself. Don't expect your next date to be your last date ever by falling right into another relationship too soon. Before you know it, you'll have that moment when you hear a new song that reminds you of a new memory with a new/different guy, and you'll try to remember the last time you heard that old song and cried. Best of luck to you...and remember: baby steps. 2
mrldii Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Oh, and on a personal note...one night, the first guy I seriously dated after the break-up of my 10+ year LTR and I were finally *getting down to it*. It was The First Time with a different guy in over 10 years. I was nervous. I was jittery. We had music on to set the mood. Once naked and cuddling as the warm-up, a song came on. An old song. An obscure song that is never played on the radio. That Song. A song I'd never heard before in my life, 'til my ex introduced me to it, on our first night together. It became Our Song. Yup. Came on. Right then. Right when we were about to do *it*. It...was...a...sign. I excused myself to the bathroom for the remaining 3-or-so-minutes of the song and came back. Never said a word of it to him. I can't imagine it getting much worse than that. I survived it. You will, too. The Universe has a *funny* sense of humor, like that...yanno? 1
marky00 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 The way your talking, I am assuming ur Ex broke it off? i.e. you were the dumpee?
mrldii Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 The way your talking, I am assuming ur Ex broke it off? i.e. you were the dumpee? Can't speak for the OP, but in my case I was the one who chose to end it, after watching it die a slow, painful death for the last year. Even we "dumpers" carry around memories of the times when we were happy and remain wistful of What Could Have Been, If Only... 1
Author LeslieKnope Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 Really appreciate the kind words... Yes, my ex broke up with me, twice. The second time was particularly tough because it just didn't end well. It kind of messed with my self-esteem. But the second time was also much more of a clean break, which has made dating again easier too - there's absolutely no chance of us getting back together and I've blocked him on every possible social outlet. I guess I was just caught off guard. I want to give this new guy a chance - taking it slow of course - because I really like him. Yet, then I got myself down because I suddenly realized that I once thought the same thing about my ex... and that got me missing him... and feeling a bit worried. Anyway, all the words of encouragement are much appreciated!
AnyTakers Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Sometimes the best way to get over an ex is to get with someone else. Maybe that's what I need personally, is to find someone else, or when I finally do find someone else, whenever that will be, I will finally be able to fully be over this break-up.
mountains Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Make sure you are 100% over your ex and ready for a new relationship. Otherwise you are just messing with your emotions and his. 2
SoThatHappened Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 As mentioned, this is a Catch-22/fine line. On one hand, you should move on and date other people. On the other, when you're not over the previous relationship, you're likely going to disappoint if not hurt potential suitors when you're not ready to fully engage them. Been on both ends and they both suck! How's that for worthless advice?
Chelsea5019 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 My experience has been that I am much more cautious, my heart isn't in it and the person I am meeting up with will see it as disinterest in them. But sometimes lightening strikes and that makes the effort worth it.
slider1985 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 My opinion is don't do it until you have healed. I was a rebound and it hurts a lot. It's been 2 months since the break with no closure and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. I've slipped at work, school, and now its effecting my social life. My head is moving on but my heart is stuck. I realise it's a painful struggle but it's not fair to the new person in your life.
Chelsea5019 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I don't believe it the rebound effect, but that wasn't the OP's question. The question was is it possible to fall in love with someone else when you still have feelings for another? I would say yes. Usually, it will be other issues that cause the next relationship not to succeed, not the heartbreak from the earlier relationship. If you keep putting yourself out there, you will find someone eventually that you can love and who loves you back, and hopefully you will have learned things about how you can be a better partner in the future.
Redhead14 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Hi everyone, I haven't been on here in a long time but wanted to seek out some advice. After an on and off relationship of about a year that culminated in a bad breakup about two months ago,I've entered the dating pool again in the last month. Very tentatively, of course - just meeting new people. In the last week, I went on a date with a lovely guy with plans to see each other again. We really hit it off, and even though I'm feeling very cautious, it's been nice to flirt and have a crush again. Then suddenly this evening, a song that reminded me of my ex popped up on my iPod and I started crying. Like heaving sobs. I felt sad because it made me remember how much I loved him and how much hope I once had for the two of us. I missed him. I missed talking to him. It really caught me off guard. I'm at a point now where I know the previous relationship is over and that it's for the best. I wouldn't go back to him. I guess my question is this: is it possible, or is it normal, to begin liking someone new even while still mourning the love of the last guy? Then suddenly this evening, a song that reminded me of my ex popped up on my iPod and I started crying. Like heaving sobs. I felt sad because it made me remember how much I loved him and how much hope I once had for the two of us. I missed him. I missed talking to him. It really caught me off guard. Until you find that you haven't been "triggered" for at least a few months, you should put dating on hold. You should spend your time focusing on your needs and your life and return to being able to be the strong, secure, independent woman you and need to be before you can be able to be a good partner for someone. It's very unfair to another guy to end up being the rebound guy who really only was a distraction from the pain and a temporary boost for your ego and emotions. Give yourself some time now that you have been triggered again.
Chronotrgr Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I've never been the kind of person who could do that, not saying it doesn't work or it isn't worth doing but if my head is thinking about the ex then I have no business in a relationship with someone else, my ex made this mistake when she left her ex of 6 years, she said she didn't know what she was doing or even who she was at this point and wound up doing things with someone she really didn't want to do, she found me not long after and it all clicked for her but god damn it sucked, the guy she messed up with was her first guy other than the ex in 6 years, still tears me apart thinking about it, your red raw after a relationship, you have to be careful.
Kehv Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Can't speak for the OP, but in my case I was the one who chose to end it, after watching it die a slow, painful death for the last year. Even we "dumpers" carry around memories of the times when we were happy and remain wistful of What Could Have Been, If Only... Really wonder if my ex still feels that way. She dumped me over 5 months ago (6 year relationship) and instantly went into a relationship with a colleague. Our relationship was good but I think she believed she could do better than me, her new guy has a better career than I do.... I'm still connecting every tiny detail I see or do with a memory of her. The most stupid things, you name it. I know she doesn't think about me that much, after all she's got another guy who took my place.
Recommended Posts