am I wrong to break up with my current boyfriend

[hidden_memories]

I need someone to tell me what they think about my current situation and I'm going to flat out tell it like it is even if I get judged. Please be honest with me, i don't care if its the cruel truth. This might end up being super long so please forgive me.

 

I'm 20 and I've been with my current boyfriend for a year and three months. I've been having second thoughts about us at different points in our relationships. One of the main reasons for that is because we come from different cultures, as we are both of different race. I speak two languages while he only speaks one and will not be able to communicate well with my family. He has not met my parents, but I have met his several times.

 

We had a small break in February, and I eventually took him back for a reason I am ashamed to admit, its because I was afraid of being alone. I had gotten used to being with someone, and being alone terrified me. Another reason, is because I could see how miserable he was. We actually had a class together so I saw him for a while during our break. When I initiated the idea of breaking up he told me that he wanted to kill himself because no one loves him. Without me, he feels no one loves him and has a low self-esteem.

 

When I took him back, everything was fine. I was able to ignore the feeling in the back of my brain that I didn't love him in the way that I wished I could. For a while. We both go to the same college so we see each other a few times a week. When school ended for the summer, he had to go back to his home which is only like an hour away, but we barely saw each other because we were both working. But even though I made some attempts to go see him, I felt like he wasn't trying to attempt to come see me. The longest time we went without seeing each other was a month and a half, and to me that was ridiculous since we we're only an hour apart. But during that summer I learned what it was to not see him and I found that it wasn't as bad as I thought. I had planned to break up with him then, but since we weren't having issues, I didn't do it.

 

So now fast forwarding, we reached our one year anniversary and he gave me some earrings and I gave him a guitar pick with our date saying i love you, which I still have because he didn't want to lose it. To wrap everything up, we have some really great moments and some really not so great moments. I love him and all, but I just don't think he's the right person for me. I don't feel like I am completely myself when I'm with him. Sometimes I feel like I can't share parts of my life with him because I feel like he doesn't care. I have talked to him about it, and he just says its because he doesn't have anything to say about it. Another reason why I want to break up is because he is an atheist, and I am catholic, and I've been okay with that because I've been distancing myself from church. But in the end, I don't think I can ever leave my religion and eventually I want to be married through church. And he can't do that. I'm already breaking all the rules in my church and I feel guilty for that.

 

Now get this, I'm only like halfway done explaining whats been going on inside my head for the past few days.

 

This past Saturday, I had a little reunion with friends and we all ended up getting drunk. There was this particular friend who I really liked for a long time two years ago. I was "over" him, but every time I saw him, I was reminded of why I used to like him. (Flash-back to a couple months ago, I had admitted to him that I used to like him. His reaction was only surprised, and he asked me if I still did. I only answered with, would it matter?) So at the reunion, we were talking for a little longer than usual and then all of a sudden with no warning, he wishers in my ear, "You know how you said you liked me? I used to like you to too." And that deeply affected me, because the only reason why I thought he didn't like me back then is because I thought he was after my sister. And for the longest time, I thought I was this pathetic loser who had fallen for a guy who had fallen for my sister who didn't share the same feelings as he did.

 

And now, he tells me that him "falling" for my sister was all a lie that he went along with him, because all of our friends joked around with the fact that he liked her. I think we all did really believe that he liked her. And I went along with that too, because it was easier to cope that way.

 

And when I met my current boyfriend, it made it so much easier to forget about the guy I liked first.

 

Throughout the night the guy and I shared more of our feelings, about how he wished I would break up with my boyfriend over the summer, and when I didn't he thought I had fallen in love with my boyfriend. He didn't want to get in the way of my relationship because he thought I was happy. Which just goes to show how good of a guy he is. I asked him if he saw a future for us, and he said it would take time, which I agreed with. I told him I was not happy with my relationship. Side note- He had advised me on how to break up with him back in February, so he knew how hard it was going to be to break up with my boyfriend.

 

We hugged and took care of each other that night, at one point he was taking care of me because i was trembling, I was extremely cold, and another point I took care of him as he threw up in the bathroom. We crashed on the couch together with us holding hands.

 

And that's as far as we went. I'm scared to know if that's even considered cheating or not.

 

That night has really pushed me to consider actually breaking up with my boyfriend. Since I know its not gonna work out in the future. We're only with each other because we don't want to be alone. We enjoy being with each other, but I can't say I truly love him. I can't tell kind of love my boyfriend feels for me, but I do know that he wants me to be his last because he has had other relationships in the past, and I'm guessing he is tired of being in and out of relationships. And plus, his parents really like me. I just think he needs to grow up, stop complaining about the career he is studying, and stop being so dependent on me.

 

As for the other guy, he has recently graduated college, we're actually both the same majors, he speaks the same language as me, and I find it so much easier to talk to him about some parts of my life that I can't with my boyfriend.

 

But all in honestly, I just think I need to learn how to be on my own again. I am not expecting to be in a relationship with the other guy. I think that for to happen, it will take some time and for us to learn more about each other.

 

 

And I am done rambling. If you read this far, I appreciate it so much! All I ask is for what your thoughts on this are, whether you think I'm in the wrong for feeling this way, if I am overreacting, or its understandable where I am coming from.

 

Also, I am wondering what exactly I should say to my boyfriend when I do break up with him. I am planning on breaking up with him until after school/finals are over, so that he is not distracted and ends up failing a class because of me. So I will have to wait for two weeks.

 

 

again, if you read this far, thank you so much.

[hidden_memories]

damn I wrote a novel, I'm so sorry! I'm going to condense it here as it is not allowing me to edit my first post.

 

I need someone to tell me what they think about my current situation and I'm going to flat out tell it like it is even if I get judged. Please be honest with me, i don't care if its the cruel truth. This might end up being super long so please forgive me.

 

I'm 20 and I've been with my current boyfriend for a year and three months. I've been having second thoughts about us at different points in our relationships. One of the main reasons for that is because we come from different cultures, as we are both of different race. I speak two languages while he only speaks one and will not be able to communicate well with my family. He has not met my parents, but I have met his several times.

 

So basically I found out a guy I used to like, who I thought liked my sister, actually liked me too. And he just told me this past weekend that he was waiting for me to break up with my boyfriend to make a move. But when I didn't he thought I was in love with m boyfriend. Which I am not. I am not happy. I've been having second thoughts at different points of our relationship.

 

I'm not expecting to get in a relationship with the guy, but I just need some time to learn how to be single again.

 

All I ask is for what your thoughts on this are, whether you think I'm in the wrong for feeling this way, if I am overreacting, or its understandable where I am coming from.

 

Also, I am wondering what exactly I should say to my boyfriend when I do break up with him. I am planning on breaking up with him until after school/finals are over, so that he is not distracted and ends up failing a class because of me. So I will have to wait for two weeks.

 

Writing out my long novel actually helped me to finally write out everything I've been keeping inside.

Edited November 24, 2015 by hidden_memories

[marky00]

 

So basically I found out a guy I used to like, who I thought liked my sister, actually liked me too. And he just told me this past weekend that he was waiting for me to break up with my boyfriend to make a move. But when I didn't he thought I was in love with m boyfriend. Which I am not. I am not happy. I've been having second thoughts at different points of our relationship.

 

 

Well... sorry to point this out but this other guy is essentially trying to break you guys up when he says something like that. If he was a respectful guy he wouldn't say anything at all and wait for your relationship to run its course.

 

When he says he is waiting for you to breakup, he actually means he cant wait till you breakup so he can come in and win his prize. Sorry but that's the way I see it.

 

OK I admit I may be coming from the perspective of a heart-broken male dumpee, but I tell you if this other guy is capable of baiting you from the sidelines (knowing you have a boyfriend)...he sounds like trouble to me...just my 2 cents worth.

[Marco Valerio]

Yep, I agree with the response above.

 

I believe the best thing for everyone in your story should be, that you break up your current relationship, and you maintain single for a while before entering another relationship.

[Clarkwg]

Please don't be offended by this & it's only my opinion but.......

 

If you are telling another man you have feelings for him & vice versa then sleep side by side holding hands then you are emotionally cheating on your boyfriend. Obviously you don't love or respect your boyfriend enough to not do this so it is only fair that you end the relationship. I guess you can not help your feelings but you can avoid acting on them until you are single. Do not lead your boyfriend on any further when you already know your intentions. He at least deserves that.

[marky00]

Please don't be offended by this & it's only my opinion but.......

 

If you are telling another man you have feelings for him & vice versa then sleep side by side holding hands then you are emotionally cheating on your boyfriend. Obviously you don't love or respect your boyfriend enough to not do this so it is only fair that you end the relationship. I guess you can not help your feelings but you can avoid acting on them until you are single. Do not lead your boyfriend on any further when you already know your intentions. He at least deserves that.

 

Maybe so but she certainly shouldn't be ending the relationship purely on the account of the weasel who is waiting in the shadows. That guy sounds like a real piece of work.

[hidden_memories]

Well... sorry to point this out but this other guy is essentially trying to break you guys up when he says something like that. If he was a respectful guy he wouldn't say anything at all and wait for your relationship to run its course.

 

When he says he is waiting for you to breakup, he actually means he cant wait till you breakup so he can come in and win his prize. Sorry but that's the way I see it.

 

OK I admit I may be coming from the perspective of a heart-broken male dumpee, but I tell you if this other guy is capable of baiting you from the sidelines (knowing you have a boyfriend)...he sounds like trouble to me...just my 2 cents worth.

 

Well he was drunk when he said that, which I know it doesn't make it any better, but I think he regretted telling me that because he doesn't want to be that kind of guy. I've known him for two years, we went to the same uni. I really do believe he is a good guy.

 

Yep, I agree with the response above.

 

I believe the best thing for everyone in your story should be, that you break up your current relationship, and you maintain single for a while before entering another relationship.

 

I have to agree, and I do think it wouldn't be right for me to enter another relationship so quickly.

 

Please don't be offended by this & it's only my opinion but.......

 

If you are telling another man you have feelings for him & vice versa then sleep side by side holding hands then you are emotionally cheating on your boyfriend. Obviously you don't love or respect your boyfriend enough to not do this so it is only fair that you end the relationship. I guess you can not help your feelings but you can avoid acting on them until you are single. Do not lead your boyfriend on any further when you already know your intentions. He at least deserves that.

 

Thank you for your opinion. I was worried that what I did may be considered cheating. However given the circumstances, there was really no where else to sleep, there were other people sleeping in the living room as well. We just happened to be sharing the couch and we only held hands for a little while until I broke away. There was no cuddling involved at all, it was simply him sleeping on his side, and me on the other side.

 

 

Now, I am sure that I will break up with my boyfriend, but I don't really want to do it until after finals so that he will not get distracted. I just don't know how to act around him for these next two weeks. Should I start distancing myself? I don't want to avoid him completely, but I'm not also going try to see him every time I get the chance.

[hidden_memories]

How can I have a mod edit my first post? I have condensed the whole story into the second post since I realized it was too long.