littlez360 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 So I'll try to make the long story as short as I can... I'm 29yrs old, have had my share of girlfriends, short and long. About 2 yrs ago I kinda stole a girl from one of my best friends, that ended my friendship with said friend and I went on to date, fall in love, and move in with this girl within like 3 months. Everything was great with us... a match made in heaven. I'm sad to say, about 6 months into dating her and I tried and became addicted to heroin... We used regularly for about a year after that, still being functional addicts and very much in love. We had a great sex life and social life regardless of our addiction, but knew we needed to end our problem at some point. One night I had accidentally overdosed and ended up in the E.R. whom notified my family and the word was out that I and my GF were using heroin. I got sent to rehab for 30 days, meanwhile she went to stay with her parents on the other side of the fricken country... Anyways, I get out, all talk is about us getting our minds right, getting back on path and then working on being together again... It's been 4 months since I've been out of rehab, she's still at her parents across the country and just doesn't talk about future plans of being together again, yet still considers us "together" and in love and a couple.... Okay, I've been working at the long distance thing and not rushing into something while we're both still in stages of addiction recovery. Well......... Today on the train to the city to meet my attorney for something I wont get into, I saw I pretty girl a few seats away. As we made stops the train car started to fill up. There's room for 2 people on each seat. When a couple came walking through the aisle looking for a place to sit, I offered them my seat, and took this as an excuse to go sit next to this pretty girl. I introduced myself and she did as well. Her name is Kate. We got into conversation very easily... we talked about everything for 45 mins. She got off at one stop before me on her way to work. I said goodbye and regretted not getting her number. Well as my luck would have it, my meeting with the lawyer dragged on for hours and hours. Afterwards I got some dinner and got on the train. At the first stop, I'm listening to my music searching through my phone when somebody sits next to me, and it's Kate! We talked more, and more. Clearly we click with eachother at this point. We were both getting off in the same town. She said she lives right by the train station if I want to join her for a beer and I accepted. Well.... we ended up a bit tipsy, started flirting, and ended up in her bed together and went the whole 9 yards. I needed a shower and clean clothes at this point, got kates number and went home. I'm showered, dressed. Just told my real GF that I had a long meeting with the lawyer, took a nap when I got home, and just got out of the shower. Haven't contacted Kate yet and not sure if I will... I'm just totally mind****ed with my life situation right now... Career and financially I'm fine. But relationship situation is a bit rough for me right now.... Any suggestions...?
ExpatInItaly Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 What type of treatment is your girlfriend receiving for her addiction? I would be very wary of remaining in a relationship with another addict; it could seriously jeopardize your own sobriety. It sounds like the relationship has probably run its course. If there are no plans to move closer together and especially no structured plan as to how you would be both maintain sobriety once in the same house again, I think it's time to move on. 2
Glitters Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 You are in no place to date anyone. You need to take care of your addiction first and foremost then dating 1
salparadise Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 What type of treatment is your girlfriend receiving for her addiction? I would be very wary of remaining in a relationship with another addict; it could seriously jeopardize your own sobriety. It sounds like the relationship has probably run its course. If there are no plans to move closer together and especially no structured plan as to how you would be both maintain sobriety once in the same house again, I think it's time to move on. ^ Yuppers. Whether you realize it or not, when the two of you became addicted together the relationship pretty much became centered and dependent on that as well. If you get back together with her and things are too real- not euphoric, it doesn't take a genius to understand what the solution to that will be. Didn't they cover the outcome of reconnecting with your old "user" comrades in rehab? Do you really think you could be the exception to a pattern that has no virtually no exceptions? Time to start a new life... with someone who would kick your ass to the curb in a New York minute if you started using again... unless you subconsciously intend to make the other choice and are looking for someone to hand the responsibility on so you won't have to own it.
kpl Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 You are in no place to date anyone. You need to take care of your addiction first and foremost then dating I have a feeling this is how your girlfriend feels. If she was addicted to heroin and was dating you during that time, it seems like the likelihood she would want to continue a relationship with someone that was unhealthy is low. You were both negative influences to each other. But while your gf is healing and distancing herself you are worried about dating someone again. I would be alone for a while and be 100% healthy and whole before I even thought of dating someone else. Are you in therapy consistently? Dating should not be your priority. Deal with whatever stuff you need to before you drag Kate into a mess too. Sometimes it is OK to be alone!
Zippy2000 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Wear your girlfriends shoes and do what's right for her.
Author littlez360 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 Thank you everybody for chiming in. My girlfriend was going to intensive outpatient out by her parents, now she's seeing a drug counselor as am I. I understand where a lot of you are coming from, that the relationship could just be toxic considering we were addicted for the majority of our time together. But I personally don't think about the drug anymore, and I certainly don't relate my GF and the drug when I think about it. Perhaps you're right, I might as well move on, which I have really... it's been quite some time and it's getting easier for be without her. But talking, we haven't really been on the same page. Like I said, she talks to me like we're still a couple and have a future... but that future just hasn't been discussed. So, whether I stay with my GF or not, I'm still struggling with the GUILT part of this... Kate, the girl on the train was pretty, but it's not like I was looking for a relationship or anything (something tells me that wasn't a priority of hers either). It's just... I've cheated on my GF and I don't know why. It just happened. Ive always been very confident with women, finding another GF isn't a concern for me. But can't help but to wonder if later in life I'll regret letting her go. Because we really were great together even before the drugs started.
Author littlez360 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 Also. I understand what has been said about avoiding relationships while still in recovery, particularly somebody I "used" with. Again, I just don't think about the drug anymore, I'll never go back to it. I've always known I'm a very intelligent person, just not wise... I've experimented with drugs since highschool. I was curious about H, went through it, and I know now that I don't like that drug... Everybody deals with drug addiction recovery differently. We're all complex individuals. So back to avoiding relationships for the sake of my recovery... I honestly don't think it'll be a problem however this situation with my GF works out. I was lucky enough to get in on a good business plan early in life. I have a secure career that I was kinda born into and have continued to be responsible in that department. Providing for myself and living a life without dope is a certainty for me. I don't know if I'm looking for answers here. But I usually keep these kind of thoughts under lock and key to myself. I feel comfortable talking about my situation here and looking at other perspectives. So again, thanks for any input guys. Still just going through the motions right now, putting the GF and Kate thing on the side burner until I have a solid outlook on it...
Ic1 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Your previous girlfriend's lack of addressing what next between you is probably because she's thinking a lot about it. Either she hasn't made her decision, or she doesn't want to accept that it's not best for her. Very common for someone to be in doubt like this and avoiding the obvious. As for you, I think you need to consider whether you're best for your previous girlfriend AND at a point of your life where you should think of a stable relationship. -You lost a best friend because you 'stole' his girlfriend. No respect for other's relationship, and you've done cheating before. -You did heroine for quite some time, and have only recently finished rehab. -You aren't admitting to how your addiction ruined your previous relationship. -You are already sleeping around, and obviously can't be loyal to the relationship. I think you should see a psychiatrist.
Author littlez360 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 Your previous girlfriend's lack of addressing what next between you is probably because she's thinking a lot about it. Either she hasn't made her decision, or she doesn't want to accept that it's not best for her. Very common for someone to be in doubt like this and avoiding the obvious. As for you, I think you need to consider whether you're best for your previous girlfriend AND at a point of your life where you should think of a stable relationship. -You lost a best friend because you 'stole' his girlfriend. No respect for other's relationship, and you've done cheating before. -You did heroine for quite some time, and have only recently finished rehab. -You aren't admitting to how your addiction ruined your previous relationship. -You are already sleeping around, and obviously can't be loyal to the relationship. I think you should see a psychiatrist. I understand what you're saying. Unfortunately I don't do well with psych doctors... I just don't like listening to one persons perspective repeatedly. As for drug addiction... Nobody other than the individual in recovery can truly understand where they are in recovery and if it's truly past them. Only I know what my mind can do with those thoughts and I'm confident that you can put a "jab" of dope in front of me and I wouldn't even think about doing it. As for sleeping around, not being loyal, and not respecting relationships... Keep in mind, it's a long story short. My friend whom was previously dating my GF was very abusive to her, it was a strange time and it just kinda happened. I was very ashamed of what I did to my friend, but I couldn't erase the first night, and after that it didn't matter to him, he was on fire, so I persued the relationship knowing the friendship was over regardless. I've had my share of "relationships" but I've always been loyal... This is just an odd situation, and it's because I've always been a loyal BF that I'm currently feeling guilty about the whole Kate thing... I have no problem being single, but I have everything else pretty much set for me... I don't need to worry about work, good friends, family... I have 2 good cars, I own my own home fully paid for. I'm almost 30... So really I'm just trying to get perspectives... Thanks
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 End it with your girlfriend. If she isn't willing to talk with you about getting back together or even visiting regularly then as much as she may pretend you're 'together' in a relationship, it has no future. It's empty and hollow. The relationship probably wouldn't survive without the drugs either, it was something you bonded over and did together, it made every day life a little happier and more bearable, without that it's going to be a very different experience relating to one another. I think it's academic anyway, as it sounds like she's not interested in a proper relationship anymore. And... you cheated. You owe it to your girlfriend to either tell her what you did, or end the relationship so you can both go and meet new partners. It's really, really not fair to stay in a relationship with her knowing that you've slept with another woman unless she finds out about it and is happy to work on things. Regarding Kate, well you've said you're you don't really feel like a relationship, so what is there to stress about? Just go with the flow, or don't date at all and just see how you're getting on with general life in recovery. I wish you very well, especially with the recovery. However, one thing leapt out at me... and it was you saying you'd 'never' go back to the drug. Just be careful not to get too complacent. Usually when someone swears off the fact that it's even a possibility, that's when they let their guard down. It makes much more sense to acknowledge there'll always be that small chance of you using H again, just like there's that small chance for absolutely anybody. Having been an addict previously doesn't make you immune to addiction again, it makes it statistically more likely. Just as you had to work at maintaining a habit, you have to work hard at recovery. I'm sure rehab taught you that, but please remember that it's only been a few months... it's still pretty novel. You could be riding high on 'wayhay! I'm finally free of the drug, life is amazing! I'll never go back there!' but when monotony or a hard time kicks in again, it can be really tough not to go back there, trust me I know. 1
Author littlez360 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 End it with your girlfriend. If she isn't willing to talk with you about getting back together or even visiting regularly then as much as she may pretend you're 'together' in a relationship, it has no future. It's empty and hollow. The relationship probably wouldn't survive without the drugs either, it was something you bonded over and did together, it made every day life a little happier and more bearable, without that it's going to be a very different experience relating to one another. I think it's academic anyway, as it sounds like she's not interested in a proper relationship anymore. And... you cheated. You owe it to your girlfriend to either tell her what you did, or end the relationship so you can both go and meet new partners. It's really, really not fair to stay in a relationship with her knowing that you've slept with another woman unless she finds out about it and is happy to work on things. Regarding Kate, well you've said you're you don't really feel like a relationship, so what is there to stress about? Just go with the flow, or don't date at all and just see how you're getting on with general life in recovery. I wish you very well, especially with the recovery. However, one thing leapt out at me... and it was you saying you'd 'never' go back to the drug. Just be careful not to get too complacent. Usually when someone swears off the fact that it's even a possibility, that's when they let their guard down. It makes much more sense to acknowledge there'll always be that small chance of you using H again, just like there's that small chance for absolutely anybody. Having been an addict previously doesn't make you immune to addiction again, it makes it statistically more likely. Just as you had to work at maintaining a habit, you have to work hard at recovery. I'm sure rehab taught you that, but please remember that it's only been a few months... it's still pretty novel. You could be riding high on 'wayhay! I'm finally free of the drug, life is amazing! I'll never go back there!' but when monotony or a hard time kicks in again, it can be really tough not to go back there, trust me I know. I agree with you 100% actually. I do feel guilty and I know I have to address it with my GF. It's just really complicated, I have always been faithful and I don't know how to deal with it myself, let alone telling her in a way that she can deal with it somehow. In the end I can accept that the relationship doesn't have a future and probably shouldn't. So that'll have to come out on the table with her too. I love her very much, what I did was out of character for me, but I can't rearrange the stars... As for my recovery, you're right. I know you took my confidence in never using again as a way of letting my guard down. Please don't assume that, I've learned a lot, I continue with very good support that's tailored to me, and am aware that for the rest of my life I will consider myself in recovery. I'm just confident and happy with where I am in my recovery and I celebrate it. Thanks!
Author littlez360 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 As for when hard times kick in. Trust me they have... I've been through the ringer aside from this relationship scenario. I have my healthy substitutes in times like those, there'll always be things that remind me of it, but a trigger only lasts as long as you let it. I have given myself new hobbies and a good support system, at this point a trigger doesn't effect my mood anymore. I've always been honest about my entire addiction and my stance in recovery since my first day in rehab. I was already ready to get the drug out of my life and have been forthcoming about it as I can to get the best support I can. I don't do the 12-step, I don't go to meetings. However I have counselors, I have peers that understand my addiction and are always on call for me. It's off topic a little, but a part of the relationship ordeal. Just explaining that part of me...
Recommended Posts