Did she breakup due to GIGS or Distance??

[DodgersFan15]

So my GF of over a year and a half broke up with me about 2.5 months ago. We're both in our late 20's. We had been in a LDR for a year and visited one another routinely every month and a half. She's also from where I'm at but currently in law school. We talked/skyped/texted every single day and we're very close in every way possible leading up to the last month. I saw the signs of it coming to an end a month before the breakup as she grew more distant but I didn't want to believe my gut and figured everything would be hashed out once she came back to visit and her distance towards me was due to the stress of school and work.

 

When she broke up with me fact to face she blamed it primarily on the distance. We're a few states across one another. She said she still had strong feelings for me and there was no other guy involved, but she couldn't continue a long distance relationship anymore because it was too much for her along with the stress of law school and work. She wanted to see me more but due to our current circumstance she knew that it wasn't possible. We had talked about her returning home once she was done with school on many occasions, but when she broke up with me, she told me she wasn't sure where she would end up and there could be a chance that she could end up staying where she's at now. She also said that because she wasn't going to graduate for another year and a half, it was too long away for her to continue this.

 

However, she also said a few other things that made me confuse. We sat there for hours and I tried everything I could to plead to her that it didn't have to come to this. When I pressed her on why we could make this work she told me that even tho she still loves me, she wanted a BF who would be there for her at any given time, such as a weekday going out for coffee and I couldn't offer her that. She also said she thought she was being selfish because she was no longer and invested due to the distance factor in the R/S at that was not fair to me. She said she didn't want to continue our relationship when she wasn't sure about us anymore. After I pressed her further, she also told me that she wanted to be able to go out and not feel guilty anymore when guys would approach her. I then asked her to be honest if there was another guy involved and she swore there wasnt.

 

It's been 3 months now and we've been in NC for awhile. Although I'll never truly know why, she is still currently single and no signs of a guy through social media. What do you guys think? Do you think its Distance or GIGS or that she just simply fell out of love with me even tho she claimed that was not the case.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she was honest when she said the distance was too much, and I also think this contributed to her falling out of love. I don't know if there is someone else involved, but her saying she doesn't want to feel guilty when men approach her is telling. It means it's happened before and she perhaps didn't respond the way she should have, being in a relationship. So I would tend to believe that while she might not have been seeing anyone else, there could well have been another guy she was interested in.

 

You say there are no signs of another guy on her social media - why are you looking at her profile(s)?

[marky00]

I'm not convinced that long-distance causes people to fall out of love. I was in and LDR for 9 years.

 

When you are out of sight, out of mind...it really is difficult for your other to re-enforce any thoughts or questions they have about you and the relationship. I think its more when you meet up on the holidays etc when they take advantage of those moments to see how they feel.

 

Distance can make the heart grow fonder in fact... it really depends on the people involved.

 

The only sure thing that will happen you LDR, is that your partner will eventually have to find their independence and live a full life whilst they are away from you. Because of this their dependency on the relationship can drop over time, i.e. they can out-grow the relationship.

 

Bu yeah.. if your partner tells you they fell out of love for you because they didn't see you for 6 months etc...they are usually misguided in their statement. If a woman truly loved you.... she would go LDR for years no matter what.

[greenleaves54]

Distance might have played a part, but most likely she's getting attention from several guys at her law school, and that is probably too tempting and exciting for her. It sounds a bit like she was using the distance as an excuse to break up with you.

 

Try not to dwell on it so much. You will never know the exact answer anyway. Either way, she decided that she didn't want to be with you anymore. Maybe she regrets it, maybe not, but I'd advise you to stop following her on social medias. It will help you put her off the pedestal. Be confident in that she made a big mistake here, her loss. It had nothing to do with you.

 

Stay NC, live life, and keep us updated

[Amelie1980]

GIGS doesn't exist.

 

I'd say she found someone else.

[Jimmyjackson]

GIGS doesn't exist.

 

I'd say she found someone else.

 

I agree, you see so many 'GIGS' stories on this site. GIGS isn't a thing, she simply lost interest that's all there is to it, don't fall into the trap of using this fallacy to justify your relationship ending.

[marky00]

Well I dont know.

 

I agree that people assume GIGS was the reason too many times. But I think GIGS does exist to an extent.

 

There are some people, especially guys who do get bored in relationships quite easily and see the solution as being to jump into something new.

 

When in actual fact the issue lies with them. Maybe they are not working on their own happiness enough. Once they work themselves out better, they are probably going to be less likely to jump to a new relationship just because its new.

 

Also when you are talking about an LTR (like 5 years plus), GIGS is possible because someone might be attracted to entering the honeymoon phase with somebody. So yes, I think GIGS may exist if their is a sufficient contrast between the old and new relationship.

[Amelie1980]

One of my exes is a serial cheater. He has cheated in every major relationship he has had from what i can see.

 

He sleeps around when he is single and goes back to exes and messes around too.

 

Maybe this is what GIGS is. Total discontent and always one foot out the door and one eye on someone else no matter who you're with.

 

But on this site i dont see see people like my ex described as having GIGS. Instead it is used to explain long terms breaking down when in actual fact they wanted to move on.

 

In the OPs case they were together only 1.5 years and a year of that long distance. No GIGS there she just met someone else.

[marky00]

Yes I agree. I think you nailed it.

 

GIGS exists but its incorrectly used to explain breakups. Any yes the OP's relationship wasn't long enough to bring in the GIGS theory.

 

I think GIGS is more likely a factor for ending very long relationships and as you said those folks who cant sustain a relationship for longer than 3 months.

[greenleaves54]

I agree that "GIGS" is a bad phrase, since it implies that the grass never actually is greener on the other side. However, the reality is that most dumpers don't come back which means the opposite: the grass usually turns out greener. GIGS as a phase that young people go through when they need to live out their single years exists though. Some people return, most do not.

 

OP - you and you're ex broke up after 1,5 years. Since you're both in your late 20s I think that usually doesn't imply GIGS (unless she never experienced some single years), but rather that the connection between you two wasn't strong enough to last after the honeymoon phase.

Edited November 24, 2015 by greenleaves54

[Liono84]

I think the writing were on the wall. LDR are always difficult to last, so you were facing an uphill climb from the very beginning.

[DodgersFan15]

I think she was honest when she said the distance was too much, and I also think this contributed to her falling out of love. I don't know if there is someone else involved, but her saying she doesn't want to feel guilty when men approach her is telling. It means it's happened before and she perhaps didn't respond the way she should have, being in a relationship. So I would tend to believe that while she might not have been seeing anyone else, there could well have been another guy she was interested in.

 

 

 

You say there are no signs of another guy on her social media - why are you looking at her profile(s)?

 

 

Good point. You see, the thing is, she talked about distance almost the entire time but she did slip here and there and mentioned other factors and this is when she brought up possible scenarios such as if she wanted to go out, she didn't want to feel guilty when other guys approached her, but I think they weren't potential scenarios, rather actual ones.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not convinced that long-distance causes people to fall out of love. I was in and LDR for 9 years.

 

When you are out of sight, out of mind...it really is difficult for your other to re-enforce any thoughts or questions they have about you and the relationship. I think its more when you meet up on the holidays etc when they take advantage of those moments to see how they feel.

 

Distance can make the heart grow fonder in fact... it really depends on the people involved.

 

The only sure thing that will happen you LDR, is that your partner will eventually have to find their independence and live a full life whilst they are away from you. Because of this their dependency on the relationship can drop over time, i.e. they can out-grow the relationship.

 

Bu yeah.. if your partner tells you they fell out of love for you because they didn't see you for 6 months etc...they are usually misguided in their statement. If a woman truly loved you.... she would go LDR for years no matter what.

 

 

Yea, it really sucks. You're spot on in your statement when you say distance didn't have to cause the end, even tho it was a factor. There were times where I would go out during the week and have opportunities with other females, but I would NEVER fathom the thought of breaking up with her because I didn't see her on a weekly basis enough or that temptation made me re-think things. We saw one another routinely. It wasn't every 6 months, it was once every month and a half, we also have many mutual friends as she's from the same town I'm on.

 

 

I'm now starting to accept it's over for good, but I would be lying if I said I don't think about her everyday. Do you think distance can truly make the heart go fonder when it's been 3 months and not a single word from her since?? I mean, that's a long time, don't you think? Part of me feels like she will come back because she really did love me, but I also think she will come back when it's too late and I have moved on with someone else or no longer hold feelings for her. And then, part of me feels like she won't ever come back or contact me, because even if she starts having regret and distance makes the heart go fonder, the fact that she's miles away will prevent her from acting on those feelings. What do you think if you mind??

 

 

 

 

 

One of my exes is a serial cheater. He has cheated in every major relationship he has had from what i can see.

 

He sleeps around when he is single and goes back to exes and messes around too.

 

Maybe this is what GIGS is. Total discontent and always one foot out the door and one eye on someone else no matter who you're with.

 

But on this site i dont see see people like my ex described as having GIGS. Instead it is used to explain long terms breaking down when in actual fact they wanted to move on.

 

In the OPs case they were together only 1.5 years and a year of that long distance. No GIGS there she just met someone else.

 

Interesting point.... I didn't think of it that way but you do have a point. 1.5 years isn't the longest of times, esp. when we don't have the opportunity to see one another every week, too.

 

 

I agree that "GIGS" is a bad phrase, since it implies that the grass never actually is greener on the other side. However, the reality is that most dumpers don't come back which means the opposite: the grass usually turns out greener. GIGS as a phase that young people go through when they need to live out their single years exists though. Some people return, most do not.

 

OP - you and you're ex broke up after 1,5 years. Since you're both in your late 20s I think that usually doesn't imply GIGS (unless she never experienced some single years), but rather that the connection between you two wasn't strong enough to last after the honeymoon phase.

 

She was single for awhile before she met me, so that makes it less likely for GIGS to go with you point. I thought our connection was strong enough, but I guess not and it still hurts because I thought this was going to be the one. We're in our late 20's so we had both talked about marriage and the future together, many of times initiated by her =( I know the possibility of her returning back to me is bleak, given that from my experience most of the time dumpers don't come back. However, given the info here, do you think she will ever have possible 2nd thoughts? A mutual friend of ours whose a female and closer to me told me that she believes my ex will return back home when she's done with school but because she's not living here anymore , she won't contact me, since there is no point given that she can't see me. She said only when she does returns back home, is when she will have real thoughts and possible doubts on her decision assuming she's single. The prob is I can't and won't wait for a year and a half. I have to go on living my life and sadly, that's too late.

Edited November 24, 2015 by DodgersFan15

[ExpatInItaly]

If it's been three months and you've heard zero, I would guess she is probably dating again.

[Bo34]

She is either seeing another guy or is dating again. You must realize that it is only through the passing of time and dating others/being in a new R/S, that a dumper can then possibly start having regret on their decision because it will give them opportunity to compare and contrast.

 

3 months is awhile, but it's not too long either. She may come back but you have to live your life as though she will never come back.

[Jimmyjackson]

Well I dont know.

 

I agree that people assume GIGS was the reason too many times. But I think GIGS does exist to an extent.

 

There are some people, especially guys who do get bored in relationships quite easily and see the solution as being to jump into something new.

 

When in actual fact the issue lies with them. Maybe they are not working on their own happiness enough. Once they work themselves out better, they are probably going to be less likely to jump to a new relationship just because its new.

 

Also when you are talking about an LTR (like 5 years plus), GIGS is possible because someone might be attracted to entering the honeymoon phase with somebody. So yes, I think GIGS may exist if their is a sufficient contrast between the old and new relationship.

 

I agree in terms of long relationships, if you've only been with one person or very few you're likely to see what's out there. But I disagree that there's something wrong with the person. 9/10 it's about the other person they're dumping, they've lost interest in them. That's why I hate the term GIGS because it implies that something is wrong with the dumper, when all that happened was one or both parties grew apart.

[d0nnivain]

It's a combo. Law school changed her. It's a new phase in her life. the distance probably didn't help.

 

Why she ended things is not as important as the fact that they ended.

[Liono84]

I agree in terms of long relationships, if you've only been with one person or very few you're likely to see what's out there. But I disagree that there's something wrong with the person. 9/10 it's about the other person they're dumping, they've lost interest in them. That's why I hate the term GIGS because it implies that something is wrong with the dumper, when all that happened was one or both parties grew apart.

 

Doesn't everything come down to a dumper losing interest? In my opinion, whether it's GIGS, distance, compatibility or whatever else, they all have the same fundamental reason; The dumper simply has lost interest in you. Maybe the time of the relationship you two had plays a role, but I would guess it's not as big as some make it out to be. And like the other poster said, it is only thru the passing of time and them dating others or being in a new relationship, where they can weigh their decision and determine if it was the right one. Either they will come back or never look back. Your goal should always be to assume they will never come back, because that's the likelier of odds;

[Jimmyjackson]

Doesn't everything come down to a dumper losing interest? In my opinion, whether it's GIGS, distance, compatibility or whatever else, they all have the same fundamental reason; The dumper simply has lost interest in you. Maybe the time of the relationship you two had plays a role, but I would guess it's not as big as some make it out to be. And like the other poster said, it is only thru the passing of time and them dating others or being in a new relationship, where they can weigh their decision and determine if it was the right one. Either they will come back or never look back. Your goal should always be to assume they will never come back, because that's the likelier of odds;

 

Well exactly yes, which is why I think GIGS is nonsense. People break up, it's life. Most of the time it's for good. Theres no GIGS, BPD etc etc..it's just what happens.

[Amelie1980]

She is either seeing another guy or is dating again. You must realize that it is only through the passing of time and dating others/being in a new R/S, that a dumper can then possibly start having regret on their decision because it will give them opportunity to compare and contrast.

 

3 months is awhile, but it's not too long either. She may come back but you have to live your life as though she will never come back.

 

Maybe but in this case she did give it a good run. 6 months and then a year of being long distance.

 

One of my male friends told me something very interesting recently.

 

He told me that he still thinks of this girl he didnt pursue 5-6 YEARS ago.

He is still in contact with her as a friend so has gotten to know her more over the years. He didnt pursue her, although I think they fooled around a bit in a physical sense, but they he didnt pursue a relationship.

 

He picked someone else, because she was more mysterious and a couple of other things. He felt more strongly for her.

 

The girl he rejected though, he said he didnt pursue her because he was interested in a the other girl at the time and he thought she was the right choice but he was wrong. In hindsight the girl he didnt pursue would have been a much much better choice he said. But at the time he did not fall strongly for her and wasnt head over heels. But as time went by he realized she was very nice, a great cook, more stable and responsible and lots of other stuff and he realized he should have gone for her. He started liking her alot more over time but by then it was too late.

 

So the thing is I think you may regret the one you just didnt try with at all...and wonder what if. But with someone you dated for a few months, well you kind of know why it didnt work, you tried it.

 

I mean a prime example is, you date someone a few times and give up and move on, dont take them seriously as a prospect then maybe later on you think I should have taken that one more seriously.

[DodgersFan15]

Maybe but in this case she did give it a good run. 6 months and then a year of being long distance.

 

One of my male friends told me something very interesting recently.

 

He told me that he still thinks of this girl he didnt pursue 5-6 YEARS ago.

He is still in contact with her as a friend so has gotten to know her more over the years. He didnt pursue her, although I think they fooled around a bit in a physical sense, but they he didnt pursue a relationship.

 

He picked someone else, because she was more mysterious and a couple of other things. He felt more strongly for her.

 

The girl he rejected though, he said he didnt pursue her because he was interested in a the other girl at the time and he thought she was the right choice but he was wrong. In hindsight the girl he didnt pursue would have been a much much better choice he said. But at the time he did not fall strongly for her and wasnt head over heels. But as time went by he realized she was very nice, a great cook, more stable and responsible and lots of other stuff and he realized he should have gone for her. He started liking her alot more over time but by then it was too late.

 

So the thing is I think you may regret the one you just didnt try with at all...and wonder what if. But with someone you dated for a few months, well you kind of know why it didnt work, you tried it.

 

I mean a prime example is, you date someone a few times and give up and move on, dont take them seriously as a prospect then maybe later on you think I should have taken that one more seriously.

 

I see.... So are you trying to say that sometimes it's more likely with the passing of time, dumpers can regret and come back to those in which they didn't get to know too well but dumped for whatever reason and had strong potential with, as opposed to partners they were with for a very long time and knew them thick and through yet then ultimately decided to dump after exhausting all efforts?

[Amelie1980]

I see.... So are you trying to say that sometimes it's more likely with the passing of time, dumpers can regret and come back to those in which they didn't get to know too well but dumped for whatever reason and had strong potential with, as opposed to partners they were with for a very long time and knew them thick and through yet then ultimately decided to dump after exhausting all efforts?

 

I dont know. But when you have hard;y any history with or it didnt get off the ground.,,,maybe

 

But a long relationship, you know all the reasons why it didnt work.

[Gretzky99]

I dont know. But when you have hard;y any history with or it didnt get off the ground.,,,maybe

 

But a long relationship, you know all the reasons why it didnt work.

 

I think Amelie1980 hit it spot on!!! I've been both a dumper and a dumpee. I can speak from my own personal experience what when I dumped my longest-standing GF of over 3.5 years, I had thought about it for a long time, but when I did it, I never looked back because I knew we were no longer compatible and I just knew nothing was going to change or make it work. I fell out of love and knew my in my heart there was no more spark.. However, when I dumped the GF after her we had only been going out for roughly 8 months. To this day, I still think about that and if I had another chance would ask her back in a second. There was a lot of potential with her and still so much more to grow with. At the time, I was too busy with going out with friends, my busy social life, my new found career, stress from grad school, and I had a few girls interested in me, so I decided to dump her. Later on, about a year or so later, when those potentials sizzled, and when I got settled in with work and school, I reallly regretted my decision. But the sad part of it was, it was too late and she's now since been engaged.

Edited November 25, 2015 by Gretzky99

[Amelie1980]

I think Amelie1980 hit it spot on!!! I've been both a dumper and a dumpee. I can speak from my own personal experience what when I dumped my longest-standing GF of over 3.5 years, I had thought about it for a long time, but when I did it, I never looked back because I knew we were no longer compatible and I just knew nothing was going to change or make it work. I fell out of love and knew my in my heart there was no more spark.. However, when I dumped the GF after her we had only been going out for roughly 8 months. To this day, I still think about that and if I had another chance would ask her back in a second. There was a lot of potential with her and still so much more to grow with. At the time, I was too busy with going out with friends, my busy social life, my new found career, stress from grad school, and I had a few girls interested in me, so I decided to dump her. Later on, about a year or so later, when those potentials sizzled, and when I got settled in with work and school, I reallly regretted my decision. But the sad part of it was, it was too late and she's now since been engaged.

 

You know I had an on/off thing with a guy. He never tried.

 

I often hope he'll remember me later and think of me.

[Gretzky99]

You know I had an on/off thing with a guy. He never tried.

 

I often hope he'll remember me later and think of me.

 

I don't know the details but I'll prob say something you've already heard; Accept that it's permanently over and that he's never coming back. Don't hope for anything, don't contact him in any way and block him off all social media to help you move on. The hope should be for you to find someone better.