cluelessk Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Hi all - I had posted here a few months ago and you all were so helpful I'm looking for more advice! I've been dating a guy for just over six months now. We are both in our mid-late 30s. I am divorced, no kids, he has never been married. He is a 13 year cancer survivor (lymphoma) but has many residual effects from his treatment. He has lymphedema but has been able to manage his condition by wearing a compression stocking each day. Still, he lives with a lot of pain because of this condition. Yet, despite all this, he owns his own small business and he has been successful at it. I have invited him a few times to meet my family/friends and he has declined saying he hasn't felt well. I've tried to respect this, as obviously, I don't know his body and what he can handle. From what he reports, when he has bad bouts with his condition, he can't even work. I 100% believe this. Yet at the same time, I have yet to meet any of his friends, despite letting him know I'd like to meet them. Also, he lives right above his mother and his brother owns the house next door. I have met both twice, in passing. I know the outlook for this "relationship" probably seems pretty grim. With Thanksgiving coming up, he randomly offered last week that his aunt invited him for dinner. Great, but he didn't mention me in any of the plans. I just mentioned that my family invited him for dessert and he said 'tell them I said thanks for the invite..." without committing to anything??? Should I just move on???
Ruby Slippers Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 With Thanksgiving coming up, he randomly offered last week that his aunt invited him for dinner. Great, but he didn't mention me in any of the plans. I just mentioned that my family invited him for dessert and he said 'tell them I said thanks for the invite..." without committing to anything??? So, he told you his aunt invited him for dinner, but he didn't invite you? And he didn't make it clear whether he wanted to have dessert with your family or not? I'm assuming that what you want is to spend some time with him on Thanksgiving, yes? Can you ask him if the two of you can spend some time together on Thanksgiving? Some people don't find holidays as important/meaningful as others. It could be he's just not aware that it means something to you to spend time with him on the holiday.
BluEyeL Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Probably yes. I'd give it maybe until the end of the Holidays but I don't think you should spend much more time on him. He may not want a relationship in general, not just with you due to his personal reasons, but is not telling you to your face because you'd leave. By this time he should have introduced you to his friends and other important people in his life. He doesn't sound like a keeper to me. Don't waste much longer!
Robratory Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 I've been dating a guy for just over six months now. We are both in our mid-late 30s. I am divorced, no kids, he has never been married. He is a 13 year cancer survivor (lymphoma) but has many residual effects from his treatment. . . . I have invited him a few times to meet my family/friends and he has declined saying he hasn't felt well. . . . Yet at the same time, I have yet to meet any of his friends, despite letting him know I'd like to meet them. Also, he lives right above his mother and his brother owns the house next door. I have met both twice, in passing. . . . Should I just move on??? It's hard to say how much his health affects him and how much he just has psychological issues. The fact that he acts as if it's normal at your age and after dating this long not to include you in his family and not to accept family invitations from you is discouraging. You may just have to move on. But you know, the situation itself is only out of whack because it bothers you. If the circumstances were such that you did not want your family to meet him, you'd be just fine. So the real issue here is communication. It's great when our lovers meet our needs as if they read our minds and at most need a little hint from time to time. But that's mostly a fantasy. In real life, people can be pretty clueless, so you have make your wishes unequivocally known, and even negotiate their fulfillment. You've invited him a few times to meet your family, so now use the "we need to talk" approach. You want him to meet your family. You have the right to want that, and you have the right to a straight answer. It should be either yes or no, and if it's "ok but not now," then you have the right to know when. If he won't discuss this like adults, he's a poor communicator in addition to whatever else, so you'd be better off without him. If he will discuss the issue, and his position is, "Sorry, but I'm never going to meet your family," then you can decide if you can live with that or not.
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