Deonce Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 My girlfriend and I have been together for more than a year. Recently there was this male friend who admitted that he has feelings for her. We talked about this and she told me how sorry she felt for him, and that she will stay away from him so his feelings could vanish. A couple of months later they're still talking and she's commenting his pic on instagram with a <3. Honestly, this is kind of bothering me. What should I tell her? Am I ridiculous for reacting to something like this, or how would you feel? Not to mention that she's been kinda distant lately..
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 If all she is doing is being kind, be happy that your GF is a nice person. However, keep your eyes open that she's not giving him the wrong impression or he's not taking it the wrong way. I'm not on IG but if it works similar to FB where you can "like" something without further commentary, I don't translate a "like" to "i want to dump my BF & jump your bones."
Author Deonce Posted November 23, 2015 Author Posted November 23, 2015 If all she is doing is being kind, be happy that your GF is a nice person. However, keep your eyes open that she's not giving him the wrong impression or he's not taking it the wrong way. I'm not on IG but if it works similar to FB where you can "like" something without further commentary, I don't translate a "like" to "i want to dump my BF & jump your bones." Basically you can "like" a picture on instagram too, and comment. She did both. There's no way she can physically cheat on me with him, but after this and lots of other things that has happened I'm starting to wonder if she's right for me. I have also seen big signs that she's an attention seeker. Do you think that she might be keeping in contact with this guy since she likes the attention he might be giving her?
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 If she is an attention seeker, she could very well keeping this guy around because he strokes her ego. That doesn't mean she will be unfaithful to you, but it's not the best character trait either. It is one, many girls grow out of.
ravfour4 Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 If she's actually commenting "<3" on a picture of him, that's a huge red flag. At a minimum she's leading on someone that she knows likes her, worst case she's falling or has fallen for him. If it's a picture or some tasty food or she's just liking his pics, it's not as big of a deal, but she's still leading him on to an extent. PLUS she said she'd stop talking to him after he confessed his feelings and never did. Doesn't seem very trustworthy.
Zippy2000 Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 There is nothing wrong with this as long as the BOUNDARIES have been set and he knows nothing will happen. I say this as a girl turned me down 6 years ago and she met someone else and I still chatted to her by text and met up with her as FRIENDS ONLY. One has to be mature about it and dont act like a jealous boyfriend or she`ll go under ground with her texts. 1
Author Deonce Posted November 23, 2015 Author Posted November 23, 2015 If she's actually commenting "<3" on a picture of him, that's a huge red flag. At a minimum she's leading on someone that she knows likes her, worst case she's falling or has fallen for him. If it's a picture or some tasty food or she's just liking his pics, it's not as big of a deal, but she's still leading him on to an extent. PLUS she said she'd stop talking to him after he confessed his feelings and never did. Doesn't seem very trustworthy. That's my thought too. She's leading on someone that she knows likes her.. and I honestly can't see that she would have feelings for this guy. But who knows. It's a picture of him by the way.
ravfour4 Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 And to answer your other question, you probably shouldn't say anything, it will only make things worse as Zippy mentioned. Just give her attention, listen to her and spend some quality time with her, see if you can rebuild the connection. If it seems strong and sincere, go with it and don't worry about this side guy. If it doesn't go well, the whole situation doesn't look good. 1
kendahke Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 (edited) What should I tell her? tell her "good bye". She is of the mind to do as she pleases and how you feel about it isn't factoring into her behavior. She wants the attention from this guy, so let her have him. Am I ridiculous for reacting to something like this No, but it starts approaching the ridiculous when you have told her how you feel, she does it anyway and you are still dealing with her. or how would you feel? As you do, but if I have to say something to a fully functioning adult more than one time, that means they have no intention on honoring my feelings and I set them adrift. Life's too short for BS. Not to mention that she's been kinda distant lately.. Let her drift on out of sight. The thing that sets this apart from some friend is the fact that the guy is in love with her and she knows it and you know it. That changes the dynamics significantly. Edited November 23, 2015 by kendahke 2
suenelson Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 You've been dating over a year? She shouldn't be engaging much with some other guy who is interested in her. I wouldn't worry too much about little comments on Instagram right now, but if you get engaged or married, then you'll want to lock it down even more. If there's lunch, phone calls, or other things that are more than Instagram comments, you should get more worried now. The big thing is to communicate openly with one another and not in an accusing or defensive way. If you start accusing, she'll get defensive. If she cares about what you think and feel, she'll opt to cut off that relationship anyway. If she doesn't, you can frame it up as if it were the other way around and ask if she would get jealous of another girl who got that attention from you, especially if she knew that girl had feelings for you. She should look to get her emotional needs met more and more by you and no one else as your relationship gets more serious.
dads new boyfriend Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 This guy confessed his feelings to her while you're in a relationship with her, trying to sabotage your relationship and take her from you ... and she is still in contact with him? She knows that this guy is not a friend, he's an orbiter and your girlfriend clearly enjoys the attention and is leading him on. 2
Author Deonce Posted November 23, 2015 Author Posted November 23, 2015 I really appreciate all your comments. Maybe I shall mention that this guy has been a friend to her for a couple of years, so he was there before we got together. So maybe she doesn't want to lose their friendship. Still he confessed his feelings for her and she did not back off. It just looks like she's leading him on and it's kind of obvious to me that my girlfriend is an attention-seeker. I am not sure what to do right now.
ravfour4 Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 Re-read my advice She's either: 1) Oblivious that what she's doing hurts you and this guy 2) Is doing it because she loves the attention and doesn't care about either of your feelings. 3) Is starting to fall for this guy None of these are good and approaching the topic explicitly will only make things worse, unless it was #1 which is the least likely. You have to decide whether or not you trust her enough or care enough, if not - get out of there. If so, go with the flow and if it feels off, it probably is. 1
Glitters Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 A ' friend ' who confesses love, should not stay in contact. Period. She should cut him off.
suenelson Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 I really appreciate all your comments. Maybe I shall mention that this guy has been a friend to her for a couple of years, so he was there before we got together. So maybe she doesn't want to lose their friendship. Still he confessed his feelings for her and she did not back off. It just looks like she's leading him on and it's kind of obvious to me that my girlfriend is an attention-seeker. I am not sure what to do right now. I don't think it changes things because she's known him for a long time. It depends on how serious you two are. Maybe she's keeping her options open - you've been dating for over a year and haven't put a ring to reserve it. How old are you two? Girls get a little more impatient later in life because prime baby-making years are fleeting...
kendahke Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 I don't think it changes things because she's known him for a long time. It depends on how serious you two are. Maybe she's keeping her options open - you've been dating for over a year and haven't put a ring to reserve it. How old are you two? Girls get a little more impatient later in life because prime baby-making years are fleeting... What a leap. It doesn't take a ring for someone to open up a can of "act right". How she is acting is not incentive to anyone to put a ring on it... she is showing that she is selfish. Knowing someone is in love with you while you're in a relationship with someone else and you're not behaving in a way to discourage them is cruel--to both the guy whose feelings are not being met and to the guy with whom she is supposed to be with. This has nothing to do with babies or ticking clocks. This has to do with being messy and self centered.
suenelson Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 What a leap. It doesn't take a ring for someone to open up a can of "act right". How she is acting is not incentive to anyone to put a ring on it... she is showing that she is selfish. Knowing someone is in love with you while you're in a relationship with someone else and you're not behaving in a way to discourage them is cruel--to both the guy whose feelings are not being met and to the guy with whom she is supposed to be with. This has nothing to do with babies or ticking clocks. This has to do with being messy and self centered. Didn't mean to leap. You're right, it's a jump, but who knows what's in the girl's head? And the age question is just a shot in the dark and asking for more info. If she's 40 and wants two kids... I'm not sure I would jump straight to "selfish" though, either - maybe "misguided" or "unwise." Knowing that they've been friends for years, before she knew OP, she may have it in her mind that she'll be able to keep her friendship and her boyfriend by saying "friendly" things but not expressing interest in a relationship... but those friendly things are probably interpreted otherwise by both. OR she could have it in her mind that she likes the attention she is getting from two guys, in which case: "selfish"
Author Deonce Posted November 23, 2015 Author Posted November 23, 2015 We are teens. Still way too young to be talking about marriage etc.
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 We are teens. Ok, then her behavior mirrors her age. She probably has only a very limited sense that doing what she is doing is leading this other guy on & hurts his feelings. She isn't drawing clear boundaries. Some of that will come in time with maturity. It's not a crack against either of you but life is a learning experience.
Author Deonce Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 And now he commented a pic of her with "<3" and similar smileys, she replied back with the same. I'm seriously thinking about calling her out on it, because it's ridiculous what she does to this guy and what she does to me and our relationship. I'm aware that it might not be a good idea, but how would you advice me to approach her about this? 1
Author Deonce Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 And now he commented a pic of her with "<3" and similar smileys, she replied back with the same. I'm seriously thinking about calling her out on it, because it's ridiculous what she does to this guy and what she does to me and our relationship. I'm aware that it might not be a good idea, but how would you advice me to approach her about this? Anyone? I think that it will be really hard to bring this up with her without coming off as needy or stupid. I just feel like no matter what I'd say she'll feel like I'm forbidding her to talk with this guy, or that I'm a jealous boyfriend.
xUnknown Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 Get rid of her. If she needs the attention of someone else then that says what you're doing for her isn't enough for her and she has too high standards. What I'm saying is its a dig at her, not at you, as backwards as that statement may sound. You can do better. You don't need attention like that from someone else. Tell her to take a hike and if she likes his attention so much she can be with him. FYI, I was seeing someone that would do this too. I called her out, she said she said it was just being friendly (weather it was or wasn't, I don't know. I haven't talked to her in over a year). She'll prob say the same. But either way, the damage is done and she can't be trusted. You'll be on edge from now on...time for a new one. This one isn't worth your time.
d0nnivain Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 And now he commented a pic of her with "<3" and similar smileys, she replied back with the same. I'm seriously thinking about calling her out on it, because it's ridiculous what she does to this guy and what she does to me and our relationship. I'm aware that it might not be a good idea, but how would you advice me to approach her about this? I'm not crazy about that turn of phrase or the connotations of aggression behind it. If you just want to vent, verbally attack & punish her then end the relationship, fine but if you want to improve things, a gentle approach is more appropriate. Be deferential & gracious. Say to her Can we please talk about your interactions with Mr. X. I know I'm a little jealous & I'm not trying to control you but some of what's going on hurts my feelings & I don't think you are even aware that you are doing it. I know he likes you & I worry that you are leading him on. I also really hate the hearts he leaves on your page. It's like he doesn't care that you have a BF. How do you think we can handle this? If she says that you should just get over it or trust her, you have a problem on your hands. If she works with you to find a solution you have a keeper as long as she continues to implement that solution.
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