footie22 Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 ex and i have a sort of sad/immature history--dated for about a year (a nice but immature rs, i'm not sure i knew why i was in one/wasn't really ready to commit, nor was he), then i was a bit stupid/mean and ended it when it went long distance because i just didn't really know why i was in a rs (early 20s, far too young for marriage!); he tried to win me back as i waffled, then he met someone else and proceeded to torment me with his new rs until the new gf couldn't take it anymore and dumped him. we were still at uni together and saw each other all the time which just made it unbearable; he made it very clear he was fine being friends-ish but never wanted to date me again because he'd just realised (after seeing someone else) that we weren't actually that compatible. this whole situation obviously didn't have a very good impact on my studies/happiness/etc. anyway, after uni, we went our separate ways, both thnakfully on 'life paths' we both wanted; we're on better terms now and message frequently but only about very bland work-related things (i told him i never want to hear about his personal life again). i've been v happy/thriving in my work and a different environment and finally felt i moved on from all the stupid mistakes i made (which included dwelling far too much on it all). this past weekend he came to the city i live in for work; his accommodation fell through last minute and he asked if he could stay with me for a night. i reluctantly agreed because i felt bad and didn't think it'd be a problem (emotionally or anything). well of course one thing led to another etc, and now i feel horrible because it's not only triggered all the horrible memories of post-breakup time at uni, but also made me feel weak again (i obviously had a choice in having him over etc). as ever, he made it clear that he cares about me a lot but would never date/marry me because we're too 'different' (we're really not), which i *know* is a reflection on him, not me, but still really cuts deep, especially when i see plenty of 'different' people in committed rs. seeing him thus feels like a huge step backwards--i'm not in a position to date anyone right now but the fact that i've just reconnected with an ex who (to some extent justifiably) has crushed my spirit in every way (in my studies, personal life, etc), feels incredibly depressing. i've also learned my lesson not to ruminate so i'm just going to chalk this up to another life error/lesson but i guess some uplifting words of moral support would be nice :S
PegNosePete Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 Why on earth are you still "friends" with him? How does his presence in your life enrich it? Just cut ties and move on.
Author footie22 Posted November 23, 2015 Author Posted November 23, 2015 we work in v similar areas and when i started he was a useful sounding board/extra source of work advice (and still is)--lame, i know!
PegNosePete Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 If I were you I'd get a new sounding board. The terms and conditions that come with this one aren't worth the benefit!
Qboro90 Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 You keep saying you're not in a position to date anyone now... Why? Seems like you're holding yourself back from progressing and moving on from this silly ex for no reason. Yea you made a mistake letting him stay over and getting intimate. Chalk that up to a bonehead move. Don't contact or reply to him anymore and start getting on with your life and meeting new people. Just because you don't think you're in Position to be in a relationship doesn't mean you shouldn't be meeting new people and dating. You can go on dates and see what's out there. Sounds like you only consider dating guys who you think can be boyfriends... But how can you project or know that without getting to know them first . Get back in the saddle.
Author footie22 Posted November 23, 2015 Author Posted November 23, 2015 what drives me mad is that every time we have any personal conversation he's so sweet and kind and yet keeps insisting that we're 'not compatible', which then makes me self-examine for every 'incompatibility' we have (am i too neurotic? am i not interested enough in saving the world, as he is?<--he always brings up this one; am i too traditional? am i too boring? etc). all i can think is that he clearly preferred being with someone else (who also dumped him for someone else) to the point that even though he's been single for a while, he could never regain any interest in me, which kind of makes me feel like i must have been the worst gf imaginable :s how do i stop feeling this way? i get that obviously not every girl/guy will be compatible but honestly it's pretty **** to feel that even someone who seemed to care about you a lot has now categorically realised they wouldn't want to spend the rest of his life with you. however, i take your point -- if only there were another sounding board :s
Author footie22 Posted November 23, 2015 Author Posted November 23, 2015 Qboro, it was actually more a personal work/life choice--this silly ex messed up my studies at uni; I'm on a very intense course for my job this year and wanted to focus on work this year and 'prove myself' (which I didn't do at uni) without any potentially messy romantic situations getting in the way. that's why it's depressing that the first romantic anything i've had has been a moronic backslide to this ex :s
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