monkey2121 Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 So my ex boy moved at the end of summer to go to Georgia (from Ohio) to live with a mutual friend to be in a band. We were together for 1 1/2 years and had an AMAZING relationship. He was so sweet, told me he couldn't wait to have a future, said I was the best thing that ever happened to him, etc. We went to high school together so we had mutual friends, our families were familiar with each other, and we lived in the same neighborhood. We never fought except for the 2 times his ex tried to get him back(he really doesn't want to be with Herut would just make me uncomfortable and he sometimes wouldn't understand). Before he moved he debated on either giving me a promise ring or breaking up with me. We had a long hard conversation about how we could make long distance work till I was done with school. He decided we could make things work for the 3 years(see each other about once a month or once every 2 months). Since his family lived near me he would come back often and I could visit him when I wasn't too busy with school. So before I visited him he was texting me everyday and snapchating me about how in love he was and how the distance gave us time to focus on ourselves but that it would make us stronger. Since he was unsure about us before he left I told him if he started having any doubt he had to talk to me right away so we could try everything we could to make this work. So 2 months go by and I visit him for the first time, he wasn't very affectionate but he said it was just because the family he was staying with(our mutual friend) had little kids. So I was a little upset but he reassured me everything was fine. So a week after I left, I got a txt from him saying he would be at my house in a few minutes and we needed to talk. I knew if he hadn't told me he was coming home and said we needed to talk he was breaking up with me. He did and fist said it was the distance, which I said was bull because we had a solution for that an could spend summers together(it was just temporary), he then said he didn't know if he loved me anymore that he wasn't feeling the spark. He didn't want to lose me but he didn't know how we could be friends. And that he felt he hadn't really been single any of his post pubescent life. He was in a long term relationship before me that ended badly. He said he wanted to be single to have time to think and by "be single" he didn't mean to hook up with girls because he really only wants to have sex with a girl he loves(so far only me). I was hurt and thought the long distance made us lose the spark. Well I went NC for a little over a month and sent him a little txt telling him about a song I thought he would like and he said he would check it out. He always loved that I had good taste in music(especially since he wanted music to be a big part of his life). Well not long after he was told that he couldn't live with our mutual friend anymore(long story but they are still friends and things are fine) so now he is moving back home. Should I try to pursue him or is it a lost cause? I thought maybe the long distance is what made us lose the spark and breakup but maybe he used that just so he could breakup and have time to be single. I don't know what to do. When he comes home should I wait to see his move? See if he regrets his decision? Or should I make a move and try to get us to hangout so we can try to get the spark back? I tried to make this as short as possible with still getting the important details out. Please help! And thank you for your time.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 You and I are in very similar boats. I honestly wish I had good news, and reading your post kind of made me a bit emotional as well, because I know exactly how you feel. My now ex girlfriend and I had to go long distance at the beginning of the school year. It was going fine for a while, but about two weeks ago we both realized we'd been arguing every day for a while, even if it was just about little things. The spark was gone. The feelings were still there because of course we both still really care for each other, but we ended up just having to break up because it wasn't working. I, honestly, was not for it. I really really REALLY tried everything to make it work. It takes a very particular type of person to be able to handle a long distance relationship. It's definitely hard for everybody, but for some people, like my ex girlfriend and from what I can tell your ex boyfriend, its just too exhausting. This is a really frustrating realization, knowing that someone who once loved you just doesn't want to work at it anymore because its too hard, especially when you're still willing. I saw her for the first time today (we broke up over the phone) since we were both home from Thanksgiving break. I fully expected her to see me and realize she still loved me, and everything would be okay. All of the hard work I had put into trying to get over her kind of just vanished, as she told me that even though she cares about me, its best for both of us. Which I agreed with on my own during no contact, but hearing it from her made me desperate and want to beg. If you think you can handle the worst case scenario of hearing from him "I don't love you, this is what I want", I'd go ahead and try to talk to him. I thought I could, but I'm back at square one now.
Author monkey2121 Posted November 23, 2015 Author Posted November 23, 2015 Thanks so much for responding rjblak13 and I'm so sorry you're going through a hard time too. I just don't know if things will change since he will be back home for good. I mean where do I go from here to I try to make contact and start off that way or wait for him to do something. And we are bound to bump into each other and our families. We just live a few houses away from each other. LD sucked but it's over now. It sucks we couldn't make that work but maybe it was too much to handle at the time and we were looking at it to be for 3 years LD but now we don't have to. But I'm guessing he's still not sure how he feels. Do I try to become a part of his life, we got along so well and were always so amazing together. Or do I wait for his move? I just don't know. I don't want to like scare him off.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 I'm not usually sure what other people's opinions on that matter are, but with my limited experience of one girlfriend, I've always gone for broke. I put all my feelings out there on the table in a text and ask to meet up and talk about it. We had broken up three times prior to this, and each time we had gotten back together (yeah distance wasn't our only problem haha). She was the type of person who was easily persuaded and won over by a good argument though, so this tactic might not always work. Slowly weaning your way into his life again and starting from the beginning might be a better option, but you have to decide what's best based on his personality. I'd also try to evaluate why you want to get back into his life. Do you really want to be with someone who lost their spark for you and couldn't make it work long distance? Or are you just excited by the prospect of mutual love again? There's certainly no shame if either are true, but I would just try to decide if you're craving that "back in a relationship with my ex" high. It's so addicting knowing that somebody who broke you heart is in love with you still and/or again.
Liono84 Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 Sorry to hear about your breakup. I can relate because my most recent breakup involved a LDR. I don't doubt that the distance contributed a huge factor in the breakup, and knowing that sucks because it's an external factor. However, as hard as it is to come to grips, you also have to be realistic in realizing it didn't have to be the factor. If someone really loves you, they will always find a way to make it work. I'm not saying your ex didn't love you, but he didn't love you enough. Right now, there is nothing you can do to change things as hard as that is to hear. In fact, the only thing you can change is making it worse by contacting him and appearing needy/desperate in his eyes. If he cares about you and regrets it, he'll contact you, so there is nothing you can do on your end. I've said this before and I'll say it again, LDR breakups are always the worst because we fall into a false narrative of blaming everything on the distance. We firmly believe that it would work out were it not for the distance. It's a good thing he's coming back because if he doesn't contact you and express regret/2nd chance, then you will now know that distance wasn't the only factor. This will hurt you deeply, but only for the short-term, and you will move on because you will know there was more than distance being the factor.
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